Am i odd for not wanting to live with a significant other?

[rtg]

So after 2.5 years my bf and I broke up. It was mutual because a number of reasons that it just wasn't working.... but the key thing really was because he wanted to live together but I just wasn't ready. I like to have my own space and to have time to myself one or two nights a week. I've also enjoyed my own company and I don't understand what is wrong with that? He just didn't understand and thought that it meant I didn't want to be with him...

Truth is, I've never wanted to live with a boyfriend. Ever.

I've lived with two boyfriends before though (including this one) due to circumstances making that happen... i.e. the first one was long distance and he got a job in my town and then wanted to move with me. It didn't work out and we broke up 2 weeks later. The next time was with my last bf (the one that we just broke up), I moved away for work and he was working at a mine nearby and would stay with me on his days off... then he lost his job and just ended up living with me. It didn't work out and we fought all the time because he wasn't happy while he was at his job and then wasn't happy while he was unemployed. I was living in a work house and my manager said he had to move out, which is why we then lived separately again.

I think those two issues have fucked me up too in making it basically set in stone that I don't want to live with a partner. I dunno.

Am I the only one like this? Most people seem to move in together within a few months! I just don't understand it.

 

[K.Dst]

Though I'm not like you, I can assure you there are quiet a lot of people like you.

Aromantic people for one part, but even romantic people who just happen to enjoy more their relationship while living apart.

Living together has it's advantages, money of course, you put more effort in keeping some place neat if it's for someone else than just you, and sometimes being on your own can feel lonely, but also quiet a lot of prices : it's a real luxury to get back to a place you call home and be sure everything will be there just as you left it earlier, living with someone else is the quickest way to live everything wrong about them (though some could argue that's part of love, living with the other's flaw and actually not be bothered by them as much as you could have thought), you somehow lose the intensity of meeting up with someone you love if you take that for granted every time you get back home...

 

[Naughty Teacher]

maybe you just need some downtime? my wife is similar, and while we live together, it doesnt mean that we need to be combing each other's hair. sometimes she seems stressed, and i know my job is 'come back later'. not always, but communication helps.

 

[bar4doug]

So after 2.5 years my bf and I broke up. It was mutual because a number of reasons that it just wasn't working.... but the key thing really was because he wanted to live together but I just wasn't ready. I like to have my own space and to have time to myself one or two nights a week. I've also enjoyed my own company and I don't understand what is wrong with that? He just didn't understand and thought that it meant I didn't want to be with him...

I enjoy my solitude. Others don't understand it.

A platonic friend of mine, who was (is I guess, haven't seen her in a long time) very emotional in time of relationship change, simply cried out to me, "How can you live alone like this?"

My response to her was, "I don't know... It's just how I am."

So you are not alone. Or maybe you are... and that's okay in my book....

 

[Mercurygirl]

I don't think you're alone. Everyone has varying degrees of time they like to be alone. The trick is to find a partner who is more like yourself when it comes to that.

I personally love living with my boyfriend, although there are times we seek private moments. Long ago we established a level of respect for each other's privacy. It comes down to having the maturity to understand that we are not seeking this alone time because we don't care about our significant other but that these times apart are a necessity that help preserve and strengthen the relationship.

I totally get how it must have drove you nuts with your bf not working and up your ass all day and how that cemented in your mind, never again.

He was obviously not "the one" and maybe for you there will never be a guy that you'll want to live with. But you know what? That's OK. Relationships don't come in a one size fits all. You just have to find that guy who doesn't want to give up his space and is seeking a happy middle ground with a girl just like you.

P.S. Long time no see. Good to see you posting again. =]

sometimes she seems stressed, and i know my job is 'come back later'.

That cracked me up. =P

 

[Ocine]

Well ,I also dont see myself live with someone, Im more like a solitary/lonely person

But some people say I think like that because I never met The girl... but still I dont think so

 

[bar4doug]

Well ,I also dont see myself live with someone, Im more like a solitary/lonely person

But some people say I think like that because I never met The girl... but still I dont think so

For me it came down to expectations.

People have always wanted something more out of me. I thought I had met the one, but eventually parted ways, because we couldn't agree on certain things. She wanted us to be a single unit. I wanted us to be two individuals who enjoy time together, and enjoy time apart doing things. We agreed to disagree, and parted ways.

 

[Brian S]

I do love living with my partner, but if I ever ended up single, there's no way in hell I would take on a roomie. Not the same thing exactly, but I do still understand the desire for space.

I read this thing about a married couple who had a son. The son grew up, went to college, and moved out. This couple is a bit atypical since they're allowed to play with others; it had been how they met, and has been a staple of their lives ever since. So there's that, but they just really wanted their own places. They discussed it at length and the wife ended up moving to her own apartment, because she wanted to. The dad lives in their house, and she rents a place. They still meet for dates and sex, but just have their own spaces. They untangled their bank accounts but still share certain bills like phone and car insurance. I don't think that could work for just anyone, but it seems to be working for them.

My partner and I could never live separate like that. But we do have a four bedroom, two bathroom house which seems excessive for the two of us. But we have our own bedrooms and he has an office in the den on the main floor, while mine is upstairs in one of the spare bedrooms. We do value our own space in that way, so I have a slight understanding of your thoughts. Many people are shocked when they find out we have separate bedrooms. It happened organically when I was working at 5 AM every morning and he owned a wine bar/bistro and would come home at 1 or 2 every morning from work. He still owns the business but I now am freelance/work from home/independent contractor and can set my own hours, but neither of us want to physically sleep together. Our sex life hasn't suffered at all. Again, obviously not the same thing as you mentioned but I think it just takes the right kind of person to make this work.

 

[keenobserver]

I would not say you are odd at all. For some, being either alone or at a distance works best. I live alone now, after a 12 year relationship, and I love it. If I'm lonely I go out, or have someone in. The space is just perfect for me right now, so I understand why being alone is appealing. Maybe at some point things will change - maybe not, just enjoy what works best for you.

 

[rtg]

Hi all, thanks so much for your advice! I'm glad to know that I'm not alone and maybe (I'm hoping) things will change when I meet "the one".

There's even some people who I work with that live with their partners and they have lunch together most days too. That's something I really cannot understand but I hope someday I will want to spend that much time with someone; and them with me. Or if not, if I can just find someone on the same page (sometime in the distant future). I wouldn't want to be like that couple who was married and lived separately... I wouldn't think there would be much point being married if you're going to do that but each to their own.

 

[LaFemme]

I remember the girl....

Condolences...it's got to be difficult ending after so long, but I get your need to have a separate place. Personally, I'm not sure I could live with someone, no matter how deeply I felt for them. I like having my own dwelling, my own place. Maybe I haven't met the "right" person, but I just need to be on my own. Financially, I see the point, but otherwise...I guess I'm at a stage in my life life where I am too old to change. Living with someone just seems too exhausting.

 

[rtg]

Hi LaFemme, glad you remember me!

Thank you for your kind and understanding words...I'm glad that you understand where I'm coming from too. I don't understand why these days living together is made to be such a big deal... most couples I know live together, and after a short time dating too. What ever happened to "time apart makes the heart grow fonder"?

 

[concupisys]

essentially i have always been single, except for a couple of people who i dated briefly and it just didn't work out.... it took me a long time to discover that my clinical introversion is much of the reason why i enjoy being alone so much, but also to realize that for all my time alone i am rarely ever 'lonely'....

i live in my head most of the time, and am often thinking out loud as i muddle through my brain's inner workings.... i find that speaking my thoughts helps to separate the truth from all the other noise that takes place in my head.... i NEED space to do this, and living with people makes it very difficult because the knowing that someone is within earshot of my ramblings makes me less secure in expressing myself.... if i wasn't able to ramble out loud alone, i would be sticking my foot in my mouth with others all the time....

but i digress: i made the decision to stay single a few years ago and to only have people in my life as either friends or friends with benefits.... i spent years living with roommates, and while i have remained on good terms with them i am happily settled in my own space and have been for over 3 years now.... it is wonderful.... no smoking outside, i get to play my music loud and dance around my apartment, i don't have to worry about awkward situations with guests because i choose who visits me, i don't have to bend my personal lifestyle such as my diet or the fact that i go on benders once in a while to blow off steam, and i can stink up the bathroom with my legendary poops....

silly i know, but without feeling absolute freedom to be me in my home, i turn in to a complete basket case.... i am solely responsible for myself and my life, pay my own bills, do my own shopping, cooking and cleaning.... i had a roommate once who would change the wi-fi password every time we gt in to an argument because he was the administrator of the internet in our apartment.... i ultimately got my own internet stick just so i could tell him to fuck himself and not fear that i couldn't check my email the next morning....

so you are not alone.... if living alone is what works, then do it.... i can only suggest that when it comes to matters of relationships: be totally upfront about your wanting to stay alone in your dwelling from the VERY beginning.... don't wait to feel the pressure and then open up about it.... i am that way when meeting guys who state any kind of romantic intentions with me that may become exclusive.... i tell them i don't want a boyfriend and that's final.... if they can't handle it or start to put the pressure on, i either walk away quietly or literally do everything in my power to make them hate my guts so they can walk away and not feel bad because i'm an asshole....

and nobody has to understand it but me..... it's my life and my decision, and i have lived long enough to deflect that kind of pressure..... play on girl.... play on.....

 

[rtg]

Thanks for your reply, concupisys I actually really connected to what you wrote. I'm very introverted as well and for that reason i've always enjoyed my own company and while I have been lonely on quite a number of occasions in my life, if was only because I wasn't get comfortable in my own skin. I hate the pressure of having to talk to people and even worse, making small talk. I like the freedom to be able to do whatever I want, when I want and not have to answer to anybody. I think a lot of men probably don't like women who are so independent. Nor do they understand it.

The thing is, I didn't know that I wouldn't want to move in when we met... I hope that will change when I meet the "right one". I've met two loves of my life though and they are long gone. So I think the boat has sailed for me, but that's okay. Being alone is fine

 

[Scarletbegonia]

Living with just a partner can be a pressure cooker.

I have dreams of solo dwelling, but see myself in a situation where we both have a room that is ours alone.

One of my partners is the best match for this, once I go monogamous (and I will). We would have just a bit of at home together time, meaning I'd get most evenings and he'd get the days. He's a sound engineer. I am a massage therapist, so my day ends about the time of his tech calls.
When we worked together, it was great. We are usually on the same page, communicate well and both have a Virgo/ obsessive need for tidy.

My other option is a converted minivan that is my space, and hanging with the partner in his space.

 

[918177]

I live by myself and I find it's better for me.

My space, my roof, my bills, my mess.

It seems regardless of a very firm talk about boundaries, personal needs for space, division of household chores and bills the lion's share of household duties falls on my shoulders regardless of my 60+ hours a week job in a high pressure, high stress environment.

The male when entering a committed, co-habitation with me suddenly forgets how to operate all white goods except the fridge.
Cooking? Forget it!
If it doesn't involve an outside fire or a microwave and there is beer in the fridge, well he can make do with smoked small goods until the little woman gets home to rustle up some grub.

I have friends, I go out and enjoy company on my terms.

Everything works so much better now.

 

[wallyj84]

You're not alone. I don't have a partner, but if I did I don't think I could live with her.

 

[wallyj84]

Hey, a thought just entered my mind. Would you want a situation where you and your partner lived in different places, but were physically close to each other? For example, you lived in the same apartment building, just in different apartments. Or, you live in different houses, but on the same street?

I know that's kind of an odd question, but I'm curious to know your answer. For me personally, that's the perfect arrangement.

 

[rtg]

Hi Wally, that is almost exactly the situation that we had... we live in a small town and he only lives 5 minutes away from me. I think that was the perfect arrangement also and didn't understand why it was such a big deal to have to change things.

 

[815953]

Not odd at all it is what it is if that is what you like you just need to find a partner that can except that. no one should ever settle or force themselves to be someone they are not