Context: My BF and I have been dating for over a year.
A few days ago, we were talking about Pride. He mentioned his company is going to be participating in the parade (he had just met up with a colleague to get details on the LGBT association), and I asked him if he'd be walking in the parade with them. His answer was "maybe but likely no," but his demeanour said "no." I pushed a bit and said it could be fun: "Do something outside of your comfort zone" I said. He did not take this in the way I expected, and replied with "It's not my preference. Should I have sex with a girl because it's outside of my comfort zone?" I was a bit surprised at his answer - it felt very defensive and aggressive at the same time.
I pushed the subject a bit more, asking what "comfort zone" really meant to him, etc. Suddenly the tone changed, as if he felt I was attacking him. He asked if I thought it was a weakness. And he thought maybe I thought he was being homophobic about it, and about how he would never wear drag, doesn't watch RuPaul, doesn't really dress in any bright colours, because it's not "his brand". He says he "doesn't like attention". And that given that it's a parade, he doesn't want to "parade" himself, he doesn't want to have to "wave at everyone."
I always knew he wasn't going to go to the parade, because I do know how he behaves and what he likes. We are together, after all. But I also said "If you said you'd be in the parade, I would have been pleasantly surprised." And he said "Well sorry I can't pleasantly surprise you."
He took it so very personally. I was a little rattled by his attitude to it as well, super defensive and making me feel bad for asking a few questions. We've said we want to challenge each other so I thought I would dig a bit deeper, but apparently I should have stopped. I had to apologize, and constantly reiterate that I wasn't disappointed in him, and that I never intended my tone to come across as negative, just that I wanted to poke a bit harder. I wanted to see if maybe I could find out a bit more about "why" he doesn't like attention, why he hates having pictures taken, why he doesn't have social media, etc. etc.
Anyway, we ended the night on good terms but it's been in my head ever since and I think getting outside opinions would be helpful.
A few days ago, we were talking about Pride. He mentioned his company is going to be participating in the parade (he had just met up with a colleague to get details on the LGBT association), and I asked him if he'd be walking in the parade with them. His answer was "maybe but likely no," but his demeanour said "no." I pushed a bit and said it could be fun: "Do something outside of your comfort zone" I said. He did not take this in the way I expected, and replied with "It's not my preference. Should I have sex with a girl because it's outside of my comfort zone?" I was a bit surprised at his answer - it felt very defensive and aggressive at the same time.
I pushed the subject a bit more, asking what "comfort zone" really meant to him, etc. Suddenly the tone changed, as if he felt I was attacking him. He asked if I thought it was a weakness. And he thought maybe I thought he was being homophobic about it, and about how he would never wear drag, doesn't watch RuPaul, doesn't really dress in any bright colours, because it's not "his brand". He says he "doesn't like attention". And that given that it's a parade, he doesn't want to "parade" himself, he doesn't want to have to "wave at everyone."
I always knew he wasn't going to go to the parade, because I do know how he behaves and what he likes. We are together, after all. But I also said "If you said you'd be in the parade, I would have been pleasantly surprised." And he said "Well sorry I can't pleasantly surprise you."
He took it so very personally. I was a little rattled by his attitude to it as well, super defensive and making me feel bad for asking a few questions. We've said we want to challenge each other so I thought I would dig a bit deeper, but apparently I should have stopped. I had to apologize, and constantly reiterate that I wasn't disappointed in him, and that I never intended my tone to come across as negative, just that I wanted to poke a bit harder. I wanted to see if maybe I could find out a bit more about "why" he doesn't like attention, why he hates having pictures taken, why he doesn't have social media, etc. etc.
Anyway, we ended the night on good terms but it's been in my head ever since and I think getting outside opinions would be helpful.