Am I The Asshole? Bf And I Had Our First Fight

gaysian24

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Context: My BF and I have been dating for over a year.

A few days ago, we were talking about Pride. He mentioned his company is going to be participating in the parade (he had just met up with a colleague to get details on the LGBT association), and I asked him if he'd be walking in the parade with them. His answer was "maybe but likely no," but his demeanour said "no." I pushed a bit and said it could be fun: "Do something outside of your comfort zone" I said. He did not take this in the way I expected, and replied with "It's not my preference. Should I have sex with a girl because it's outside of my comfort zone?" I was a bit surprised at his answer - it felt very defensive and aggressive at the same time.

I pushed the subject a bit more, asking what "comfort zone" really meant to him, etc. Suddenly the tone changed, as if he felt I was attacking him. He asked if I thought it was a weakness. And he thought maybe I thought he was being homophobic about it, and about how he would never wear drag, doesn't watch RuPaul, doesn't really dress in any bright colours, because it's not "his brand". He says he "doesn't like attention". And that given that it's a parade, he doesn't want to "parade" himself, he doesn't want to have to "wave at everyone."

I always knew he wasn't going to go to the parade, because I do know how he behaves and what he likes. We are together, after all. But I also said "If you said you'd be in the parade, I would have been pleasantly surprised." And he said "Well sorry I can't pleasantly surprise you."

He took it so very personally. I was a little rattled by his attitude to it as well, super defensive and making me feel bad for asking a few questions. We've said we want to challenge each other so I thought I would dig a bit deeper, but apparently I should have stopped. I had to apologize, and constantly reiterate that I wasn't disappointed in him, and that I never intended my tone to come across as negative, just that I wanted to poke a bit harder. I wanted to see if maybe I could find out a bit more about "why" he doesn't like attention, why he hates having pictures taken, why he doesn't have social media, etc. etc.

Anyway, we ended the night on good terms but it's been in my head ever since and I think getting outside opinions would be helpful.
 

Reg

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Context: My BF and I have been dating for over a year.


He took it so very personally. I was a little rattled by his attitude to it as well, super defensive and making me feel bad for asking a few questions. We've said we want to challenge each other so I thought I would dig a bit deeper, but apparently I should have stopped. I had to apologize, and constantly reiterate that I wasn't disappointed in him, and that I never intended my tone to come across as negative, just that I wanted to poke a bit harder. I wanted to see if maybe I could find out a bit more about "why" he doesn't like attention, why he hates having pictures taken, why he doesn't have social media, etc. etc.

Anyway, we ended the night on good terms but it's been in my head ever since and I think getting outside opinions would be helpful.

So you think you should have stopped? Gay or Straight he has the right to feel as he does. Not everyone embraces being sexual overtly and being gay can have a lot of societal implications. I would have respected his feelings and not pushed it.
 

winesthel945

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From your explanation, I'm not clear whether he's got some embarrassment and self-hatred about being gay, or whether he's just an introvert. Not knowing what tone you took with your responses, it does seem like he went very quickly into a defensive posture. That suggests he knows that whatever is driving his behavior in this scenario, it's behavior that he probably feels is problematic in one way or another and he's embarrassed or frustrated by it.

I can certainly understand not wanting to march in a parade; I've done it, and it's hot and exhausting and I have no interest in doing it again. But that's different than being embarrassed for gay reason, for introvert reasons, or for something else.

Is there anything in his other attitudes or behavior that suggests he's got some latent self-hatred? If so, that might be worth understanding better and perhaps working on with a therapist. But if he's just a grumpy introvert, well, that's what you signed up for. If you know this and still keep picking at it, you're indeed being an asshole. So if that's the case, just let it go.
 

Industrialsize

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It's you. You saw he was uncomfortable and yet you"pushed the subject a bit more." Any further conversation by you should have started," I'm sorry for having upset you. It wasn't my intention. (FWIW, my husband and I have been together for 42 years.)
 

ohiorod

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I will try to offer something constructive from my point of view. There are s few times you said that you pushed and you also mention noticing changes in his demeanor. A good listener and caring partner would gently say, sorry this sounds like a sore spot or say sorry, didn’t mean to upset you. Instead, I think you had an agenda to “push” and you got in return pushback. And I think you seem to regret it. Be more sensitive to those changes and your relationship will go farther. I have a similar partner. He won’t hold hands in public, march in a parade and certainly is a little more conservative than me. But, I love him and try not to push the buttons, because at the end of the day, they are meaningless when I look at this loving, caring and gentle man. I love so much about him and our differences are meaningless. It just isn’t important to me to push my line of thinking. Hope you have many more years together.
 

malakos

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I wanted to see if maybe I could find out a bit more about "why" he doesn't like attention, why he hates having pictures taken, why he doesn't have social media, etc. etc.

Try to have an open, honest, and charitable conversation about this question, instead of covertly probing and pressing on considerations he's not comfortable with.

I'm pretty similar to your partner in this respect, and if I had a boyfriend who asked sincerely about why I avoid promoting a public presence, I would most likely open up and explain.
 

OKCLane

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It’s possible that he may not know the “why” of his positions. Confrontation, even done gently, isn’t always welcome.
One of my best friends has a terrific saying, “Is it worth sleeping alone over?”
That’s a great approach to your relationship and one I’ve adopted for my own.
 

MisterB

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It strikes me that you are projecting your feelings about this issue on him. Because you are comfortable with marching in a Pride event, everyone should be? That's how your post struck me.

You seem surprised because he reacted pretty much how you expected. You wanted him to not be who he is; at least on this issue. He could be stressed because his company participating in Pride somehow makes him think maybe having to participate himself. Which is out of character for him. I'd say in this instance you pushed him too far. Took him out of his comfort zone and he reacted as he did.

And that's okay. There's a reason why you've been dating for a year. Something's working, right? I'd suggest if you want to continue your relationship, then: You do you. And let him be him. Especially in this case. Where you knew in advance how he might react. Sounds like he did not disappoint, lol.

Let this be a lesson on learning more about who you both are. Welcome to relationship dynamics!

I wish you and he well. And hope your relationship flourishes. Good luck.
 

Brodie888

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Most of the time, there's right and wrong on both sides. Even when you think your partner is wrong, you have to know when to pick your battles and fight the important ones and leave the pointless ones.

Communication is verbal and non-verbal. It's important to look out for both.

The good news is that you have enough awareness to see the non-verbal cues, you just need to act in the same way as you would a traffic light.

He was giving you the amber light to begin with. This turned into a solid red light and the you chose to take your chances running the red light.

If you are lucky, you hopefully have a partner who is equally tolerant of your sensitivities and knows when to push and when to let things go.
 
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902369

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You won’t get good answers here. Most of the gay men on this forum are the 40+ crowd, “masculine” (quotes used on purpose), and look down on flamboyance. You should ask r/askgaybrosover30.

My opinion is he was aggressive for no reason but maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to have issues at his job? Some jobs pretend to be pro LGBT but in reality not really. Hope you guys had great make-up sex after!
 

dreambridger

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I second what indrustrialsize said. I feel like you took his discomfort as an invitation to push further, and that's your behavior to examine.

He may have even felt like you were shaming him to do something that he doesn't want to. I hate in relationships when someone tells me "Step out of your comfort zone." because what I hear in that situation is, "You're not allowed to have boundaries." If you love this man and want to stay in a healthy, balanced relationship with him, then you must respect his boundaries. If you see his boundaries as something to challenge and persuade and cast doubt upon, then to put it frankly, he deserves better than you. Nobody should be in a relationship in which their boundaries aren't respected. This is something I know too well.

Apologize sincerely and tell him you love him just the way he is and that he doesn't have to change, and make sure he knows that he's still the one in charge of his own choices, and that you loving him would never be a challenge against his freedom to make his own choices.
 
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