Am I the underlying root of this problem or is she?

Chebz

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I’ve been reading quite of few of the Q&A posts on this forum and at first the general tone struck me as somewhat biased and cold. As I’ve read on though my opinion has changed. I now have the sense that there are a lot of really smart, funny, open minded ladies here who just have a low tolerance for fools. Which seems like a great place to ask for meaningful insight on something I’ve been struggling with. Hoping my question doesn’t land on the wrong side of this meat grinder - but if it does, it does… maybe I’ll learn something.

I started dating a woman a few yrs ago who I instantly liked on many levels: we always have fun, never struggle for stimulating conversation, have a really great sex life (I think she feels this way too), and she’s just a really good all around person. There is however one particular problem that just won’t seem to go away for me. I didn’t ask for this information, but a few months into our relationship she told me a story about an ex-boyfriend (from about 8 yrs earlier) who has what she referred to as an unbelievably gigantic dick. (I know <cringe>… another tired dick size related post). She went on to tell me it’s 10” long and ridiculously thick - explaining it wasn’t a good experience as it was painful (for context I’m a little above average in length/width). She talked about this guy quite a bit (he’s still in her life peripherally) the first year - telling stories about trips they took, etc. I eventually told her to stop brining him up, and when she did anyway we would have arguments… that would eventually always lead to her explaining this type of size is definitely not what she wants in a guy. Over time, however, she would occasionally add in little comments about her actually kind of liking his size during sex, “but it would hurt afterwards”. She would also (every 2-3 months) make little comments that would for some reason just crush me, once telling me sex was incredible that particular night because I felt “bigger than I normally do”, another time telling me sex was really good that night because she could feel more friction on her interior walls, etc. What felt like back handed compliments that usually seemed to be focused on something she liked on that one occasion about my size, that she generally doesn’t experience with me. I would express frustration about this and she would always suggest I’m being overly sensitive (explaining she’s trying to compliment me, other BFs laughed at these ex bf stories, explaining she couldn’t wrap her head around why this bothers me, etc). Over time all of these things really started screwing with my head. This has never been a subject that has been a problem for me before, but now I find myself thinking about it more than I’m comfortable admitting. Googling things, etc. For a while I would ask her questions for clarification around what she really likes/wants - which was super awkward for both of us - but it seldom helped or led to me being able to “just get over it”. She doesn’t really say things like this anymore due to the problems we’ve had over it, but it’s left me with all of these triggers and sometimes insecurities that just weren’t there before. I have tried a hundred times to make myself just let it go because it’s not happening anymore - but I just can’t seem to forget it. I never bring it up to her anymore because it’s just embarrassing. For the past year if something happens that triggers me, I just silently grind on it until it eventually goes away. I don’t know how to fix this - part of me wants her to sincerely own and regret her part in this (thinking this might help me to move on), the other part of me thinks I should work it out on my own instead of relying on someone else to fix what is ultimately now my issue. I guess my questions is, from an objective woman’s perspective… am I wrong to feel like I have been wronged here and that she should take some accountability for this… or am I just sounding like another insecure guy trying to convince myself the problem is with someone else?
 
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LaFemme

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First of all - paragraphs, dude. Make it so much easier to read. Lol!

Anyway, from my perspective, if the situation were reversed, and I had to put up with some guy making digs about how his ex’s breasts were better than mine? Yeah, I’m not about to put up with that. I tell him one time to cut that shit out - and if he doesn’t, cut him loose. I don’t need that kind of sexual erosion. I don’t need to think whether he’s comparing me to his ex every time we get intimate. It’s not healthy.

Plenty of guys know better, will be better. No reason to put myself through it.

So, only you can decide whether or not to keep this relationship going. It just sounds to me that you two aren’t compatible. Cut your losses and move on.
 

Chebz

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OMG… I just looked at the endless length of my post, what was I thinking? (Apologies for that!)

Thank you @LaFemme and @Holly Doors, I really appreciate your taking the time to share your thoughts. I have to admit the idea of walking away is pretty depressing - we connect on so many levels and the issue I described that’s bothered me so much has stopped, so I wish I could just get over it now. It does kind of feel like the stew has been spoiled with some bad ingredients though and for a long time I’ve just been trying to figure out how to add the right thing to fix it. Sometimes it‘s best to just start over again I guess.

I know you don’t have much to go on here, but just curious, is your take more that some things once broken can’t be fixed… or is it more that I might not be providing something she seems to want… or that there are some big (mind-game type) red flags here that should have me concerned about the foundation I’m trying to build a future on? Or something else perhaps?

For the past 6 months or so she’s been talking about moving in together and I’ve been avoiding it… just kicking the can down the road until I figure this out. It’s just something I‘ve been stuck on for too long and I need to make some changes one way or another.

Thank you again for your insights, they mean more than you know.
 
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EllieP

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Sounds like someone has the "woulda coulda shoulda" syndrome. There's a part of her stuck in the past, and she apparently cannot shake it.

If you think you can live with the reminiscing then good luck to you! I couldn't take it.

I have one past lover that was the one that got away. I've thought about how it could have been, but I definitely don't dwell on it. And I definitely have never shared that with my husband because it's in the past and never to make a repeat appearance.

It sounds like she wants a repeat appearance, so my advice is to let her dream on... alone.