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- Jan 27, 2022
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I’ve been reading quite of few of the Q&A posts on this forum and at first the general tone struck me as somewhat biased and cold. As I’ve read on though my opinion has changed. I now have the sense that there are a lot of really smart, funny, open minded ladies here who just have a low tolerance for fools. Which seems like a great place to ask for meaningful insight on something I’ve been struggling with. Hoping my question doesn’t land on the wrong side of this meat grinder - but if it does, it does… maybe I’ll learn something.
I started dating a woman a few yrs ago who I instantly liked on many levels: we always have fun, never struggle for stimulating conversation, have a really great sex life (I think she feels this way too), and she’s just a really good all around person. There is however one particular problem that just won’t seem to go away for me. I didn’t ask for this information, but a few months into our relationship she told me a story about an ex-boyfriend (from about 8 yrs earlier) who has what she referred to as an unbelievably gigantic dick. (I know <cringe>… another tired dick size related post). She went on to tell me it’s 10” long and ridiculously thick - explaining it wasn’t a good experience as it was painful (for context I’m a little above average in length/width). She talked about this guy quite a bit (he’s still in her life peripherally) the first year - telling stories about trips they took, etc. I eventually told her to stop brining him up, and when she did anyway we would have arguments… that would eventually always lead to her explaining this type of size is definitely not what she wants in a guy. Over time, however, she would occasionally add in little comments about her actually kind of liking his size during sex, “but it would hurt afterwards”. She would also (every 2-3 months) make little comments that would for some reason just crush me, once telling me sex was incredible that particular night because I felt “bigger than I normally do”, another time telling me sex was really good that night because she could feel more friction on her interior walls, etc. What felt like back handed compliments that usually seemed to be focused on something she liked on that one occasion about my size, that she generally doesn’t experience with me. I would express frustration about this and she would always suggest I’m being overly sensitive (explaining she’s trying to compliment me, other BFs laughed at these ex bf stories, explaining she couldn’t wrap her head around why this bothers me, etc). Over time all of these things really started screwing with my head. This has never been a subject that has been a problem for me before, but now I find myself thinking about it more than I’m comfortable admitting. Googling things, etc. For a while I would ask her questions for clarification around what she really likes/wants - which was super awkward for both of us - but it seldom helped or led to me being able to “just get over it”. She doesn’t really say things like this anymore due to the problems we’ve had over it, but it’s left me with all of these triggers and sometimes insecurities that just weren’t there before. I have tried a hundred times to make myself just let it go because it’s not happening anymore - but I just can’t seem to forget it. I never bring it up to her anymore because it’s just embarrassing. For the past year if something happens that triggers me, I just silently grind on it until it eventually goes away. I don’t know how to fix this - part of me wants her to sincerely own and regret her part in this (thinking this might help me to move on), the other part of me thinks I should work it out on my own instead of relying on someone else to fix what is ultimately now my issue. I guess my questions is, from an objective woman’s perspective… am I wrong to feel like I have been wronged here and that she should take some accountability for this… or am I just sounding like another insecure guy trying to convince myself the problem is with someone else?
I started dating a woman a few yrs ago who I instantly liked on many levels: we always have fun, never struggle for stimulating conversation, have a really great sex life (I think she feels this way too), and she’s just a really good all around person. There is however one particular problem that just won’t seem to go away for me. I didn’t ask for this information, but a few months into our relationship she told me a story about an ex-boyfriend (from about 8 yrs earlier) who has what she referred to as an unbelievably gigantic dick. (I know <cringe>… another tired dick size related post). She went on to tell me it’s 10” long and ridiculously thick - explaining it wasn’t a good experience as it was painful (for context I’m a little above average in length/width). She talked about this guy quite a bit (he’s still in her life peripherally) the first year - telling stories about trips they took, etc. I eventually told her to stop brining him up, and when she did anyway we would have arguments… that would eventually always lead to her explaining this type of size is definitely not what she wants in a guy. Over time, however, she would occasionally add in little comments about her actually kind of liking his size during sex, “but it would hurt afterwards”. She would also (every 2-3 months) make little comments that would for some reason just crush me, once telling me sex was incredible that particular night because I felt “bigger than I normally do”, another time telling me sex was really good that night because she could feel more friction on her interior walls, etc. What felt like back handed compliments that usually seemed to be focused on something she liked on that one occasion about my size, that she generally doesn’t experience with me. I would express frustration about this and she would always suggest I’m being overly sensitive (explaining she’s trying to compliment me, other BFs laughed at these ex bf stories, explaining she couldn’t wrap her head around why this bothers me, etc). Over time all of these things really started screwing with my head. This has never been a subject that has been a problem for me before, but now I find myself thinking about it more than I’m comfortable admitting. Googling things, etc. For a while I would ask her questions for clarification around what she really likes/wants - which was super awkward for both of us - but it seldom helped or led to me being able to “just get over it”. She doesn’t really say things like this anymore due to the problems we’ve had over it, but it’s left me with all of these triggers and sometimes insecurities that just weren’t there before. I have tried a hundred times to make myself just let it go because it’s not happening anymore - but I just can’t seem to forget it. I never bring it up to her anymore because it’s just embarrassing. For the past year if something happens that triggers me, I just silently grind on it until it eventually goes away. I don’t know how to fix this - part of me wants her to sincerely own and regret her part in this (thinking this might help me to move on), the other part of me thinks I should work it out on my own instead of relying on someone else to fix what is ultimately now my issue. I guess my questions is, from an objective woman’s perspective… am I wrong to feel like I have been wronged here and that she should take some accountability for this… or am I just sounding like another insecure guy trying to convince myself the problem is with someone else?