Am I ugly or do I live in SoCal?

campoverbeauty

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So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)
 

briacon429

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It sounds like self-confidence may be a big part of the issue. You described yourself as ”fat”: how do you define that, exactly? Do you have a goal weight, and if so, what have you done to get there? You also mentioned femmephobia: do you feel more fem than you want to be?
 

campoverbeauty

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It sounds like self-confidence may be a big part of the issue. You described yourself as ”fat”: how do you define that, exactly? Do you have a goal weight, and if so, what have you done to get there? You also mentioned femmephobia: do you feel more fem than you want to be?

Before I answer your questions in earnest, I am interested how you came to the conclusion that self-confidence was the issue. I led by saying that I am contending with fatphobia and femmephobia. Keeping such context in mind, you asked the following: “Do you have a goal weight, and if so, what have you done to get there?” which was immediately followed by “[d]o you feel more femme than you want to be?” Your questions suggest that you didn’t understand mine. So, I’ll ask again using better words. When you—a fat, femme, black, gay—have lost hope living in a skinny, butch, white, gay world, how do you find hope again?
 

JCEO

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Get a gym membership. If you wear a beard keep it neatly trimmed. Get a haircut. Upgrade your style. Men are shallow and visual which means unfortunately you're gonna have to make some changes to your appearance if your current look isn't attracting the men you want. Cultivate some hobbies or try something new you always wanted to try. If you already have an extroverted personality making some small but noticeable changes to your aesthetic can increase your odds and your self esteem. Mental health issues require a therapist. No one on this board can get you to love yourself through our screens and we are not qualified to do so. If you don't already have one make an appointment with a professional. It's good to seek advice but the more in person perspectives you have the better.
So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)
 

GS_PL

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I like you, because you remind me of myself. While the description of me is WAY off from who you indicated you are, I get rather flustered and fed up with how so many others act and behave. It effing maddening seeing those that insult and make fun are seemingly the ones with the most "fans", while I feel THEY should be the ones that are sad and alone.

Plenty of people are like you. You'll see.
 

Iamyesyouareno

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So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)
Maybe all the "phobias" and "isms" are actually inside you. Something to consider.

In other words, who are the men YOU are idealizing/hoping to find?
 

marriedasian

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Before you start beating yourself up, did you ever wonder what kind of partner you want and what they would want in a partner as well? I think too many times we're so busy thinking about what we want that we fail to see that it works both ways. You can't expect certain outcomes if you're not willing to "put it the work" per se.

Do you know what type of fish you're trying to hook and are you using the right bait/gear? In other words, are you willing to become what the type of partner you're looking for is looking for?
 

Sagittarius84

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So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)
I'm in an adjacent boat? (Straight black guy), honestly I'd give you the same advice I would if it were a woman in your place...get out of SoCal. Don't head to Miami, or Atlanta, the DMV, or any of the "happening" places, because these places are elite gladiatorial coliseums of socioeconomics and aesthetics. You need to find a decent suburb or smaller city, a place where the average income is comparable to the working/middle class median, and there you will find more people that look like you, or at the very least aren't as hung up on the societal expectations for the aesthetics of a partner.
I would also advise to look at what you may be attracted to, and if at anytime that resembles you, because quite often this happens to folks whom aren't really attracted to the equivalent of what they have to offer, but expect the admiration of someone who may not be getting their "match"
 

mars515

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BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN SOCAL

It’s true!

I travel in the US a lot and I find it very hard to “compete” with the guys in LA. For context, I am a short asian guy with muscular build. Once i made advances to a guy in his late 60s only to be told “Im not interested at all!”

But then i visited Orlando and my grindr was lighting up constantly all the time! A pornstar even reached out and was keen to meet up!

So i guess locations do matter some times. Maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe try finding your niche elsewhere..?
 

Magnus1998

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So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)

Most of us are acutely aware of how we sit within the gay social pyramid, and make an effort to be the type of guy that appeals to the type of guys we are attracted to. And even the most masculine gay man will get a little swishy after a couple cocktails and Gaga starts to play. Of all the attributes you listed... black, femme, chubby... the weight is the easiest to tackle. Fit black and somewhat femme guys do exceptionally well. That's my disjointed way of saying, do that.
 

heinz.friedrich

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So, I am thirty-two and stuck in a bit of a rut. It seems like I am climbing up hill when it comes to finding a guy. Like others, I struggle against an onslaught of the usual -obes and -ists: racists, colorists, fatphobes, sexists, femmephobes, etc. They’re tantamount to a mob. And the fight is making me tired, so tired I am starting to believe I will never find love. For those in my boat (my boat being the fat, gay, black boat) or partnered with someone who is, how did you/they get to the other side—minimum: loving themselves, max: being happily partnered—without going overboard? Thanks for your compassionate response :)

You have to practice loving-kindness towards yourself. You see yourself as a being with infinite worth and you should also see other as beings with infinite worth. How you view other people is often a mirror of yourself. If you love everybody, you usually also love yourself and the other way around.

The repetition of the practice and the faith that you can change increases your self-acceptance and the acceptance of others. That is also why the placebo-effect works. You have to have faith.

To the other part: You have to find someone who also practices that stuff. It is possible to deprogram yourself from the distortion and beauty standards of society. Those beauty standard always change anyways. This is something very subjective.

For example: Some scientists think that fat people were viewed as attractive in the past.
 

Magnus1998

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You have to practice loving-kindness towards yourself. You see yourself as a being with infinite worth and you should also see other as beings with infinite worth. How you view other people is often a mirror of yourself. If you love everybody, you usually also love yourself and the other way around.

The repetition of the practice and the faith that you can change increases your self-acceptance and the acceptance of others. That is also why the placebo-effect works. You have to have faith.

To the other part: You have to find someone who also practices that stuff. It is possible to deprogram yourself from the distortion and beauty standards of society. Those beauty standard always change anyways. This is something very subjective.

For example: Some scientists think that fat people were viewed as attractive in the past.

Huh? Your comments are just body-positivity platitudes that give people false hope, provides illusive goals, and continues a cycle of frustration.

No one should be so critical of themselves that it turns into dysmorphia, but it is very important to our personal growth to establish some actual personal improvement targets.

Regarding your last example... Prior to commercial food production, an overweight physique was a sign of royalty or wealth. But it was always considered gluttonous and sexually unappealing. History has been very consistent regarding the ideal male physique.
 

Iamyesyouareno

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Christ, there are some shit-ass replies in this thread. "Have you considered that you have to change everything about yourself because you are actually unfuckable?"
There might be some "shit-ass replies" but some of us are just being honest. "You'll find love and all the hot sex with male models you want if you just manifest it and blame others constantly!!!! Everyone else is wrong except for you!" just is not helpful advice to give anyone, sorry. Reality exists, and it sucks. We all have struggles in love and lust, and some of it isn't fair. But some things just are how they are.