Am I wrong to want compliments?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by skippydoo, Jun 9, 2008.

  1. skippydoo

    skippydoo New Member

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    I have been with my gf for a year now and literally have gotten maybe 3 or 4 compliments unique to myself. She usually just says very generic things like, "you're the sexiest man alive" or "you're hot" stuff like that. Unfortunately the best compliment she ever gave me was that she liked the way my hair looked coming out of the shower.

    Whenever I compliment her I tell her specific things like "I love the way your ass jiggles when you walk" "I love your little ballerina feet" things like that that are specific to her, not something generic.

    I confronted her about this and flat out called her compliments very generic and that it would be nice to hear something specific about me instead of some broad sweeping universal compliment. She got in my face about how its not her job to make me feel good about myself.

    I guess my argument is that I know its not her job to make me feel better about myself but I have never been with someone so cold about complimenting the one they love. And whenever I tell her something I feel about her that I love I feel like a jackass because I know I will never get the same type of thing back.

    Am I an asshole or something?
     
  2. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    Skippy, be careful what you wish for. It could get to a point of being very embarrassing.

    I'm not pathologically shy, but I do have some introverted tendencies. Some time during our dating period, my then-fiancee begin with the "big whanger" phrases. Every time I'd do anything with my wardrobe, tucking in a shirt, tightening a belt, checking my zip, or even stuffing my wallet in my pocket, she'll say something to the effect "making room for that big whanger, huh?"

    For a while I began getting very subconscious about it. She would even do it in public thinking she was out of earshot, but it was quite apparent she was overheard by others. At times I even thought she wanted to be heard. I kind of knew what it felt like to be thought of as a piece of meat.

    We've been married for a few years now, and while the whanger talk has calmed down it's still around, and I still get embarrassed sometimes. She's added "tight butt" to her lexicon, which also makes me clenches when I hear it.

    I never confronted her on any of this, and she's never admitted discomfort when I make comments about her breasts or her face (both beautiful, by the way).

    So, the question: is it the partner's job to make the other feel good? Yeah, I would think it is. Otherwise, who else is going to do it, and if someone else does, does that diminish the partner's role?
     
  3. skippydoo

    skippydoo New Member

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    thanks for the thoughtfull reply, but I'd actually love those types of compliments!
     
  4. RedScrotum

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    Jees,...you're bitchin' that the compliments aren't good enough?
     
  5. naughty

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    Skippydoo,

    I think individuals deliver compliments in their own unique ways. SoOme people are naturally more observant, while others are more general in the way they approach things. She may not be wired to process things the same way. Some people love frank almost crude references to their body parts while others may find them embarassing as is the case of Captain Elephant. Try not to focus on it as much and do focus on some of the other things in your relationship that make you smile.
     
  6. skippydoo

    skippydoo New Member

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    Yes actually they aren't good enough because she puts no thought into it. They're all very generic compliments which in turn have no meaning. Imagine you're a singer and all your partner ever said was its the greatest or the best song but never opened up n said how your music her feel maybe I m crazy I don't know.
     
  7. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    Awwww how sweet, he said she had cute little ballerina feet. I had an ex that said that.

    I give my husband an abundance of compliments but he gets really shy about it. He doesnt give me a lot of specific compliments. I'm happy to get them. I probably do say a lot more generic things like your girlfriend does. We've been married for 10 years and i'm still so incredibly attracted to him. Sometimes all i can say "Damn you are soooo goodlookin'!" and he gets a little bashful. But i still continue to say those things.

    Sometimes i have to stop him in the middle of a sentence and tell him just how sexy i think he is.
     
  8. naughty

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    Workin' up a good pot of mad!

    LOL! I think you and my mom would have a great time talking. SHe too likes to ply my brain for all the details and it can be exhausting. No you arent crazy you just process that way. But you will make yourself miserable if you continue to put a negative spin on the way she may process things.
     
  9. Scott14

    Scott14 New Member

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    Skippy, here's a few points.

    1) It likely was not in her upbringing to generously give others praise or compliments. I wouldn't be surprised if her parents rarely ever gave HER compliments...If that's the case, she just may not realize how important these little things are.

    2) You are being an asshole if you expect compliments, or expect them back when you give one. These should be given freely and generously with no strings attached.

    3) I definitely would NOT in any way tell her that you want or expect compliments, unless your goal is to totally destroy your relationship. But I do think you can help her...

    My recomendation: Make it a game whenever you're together with other people for the two of you to try to give these other people genuine and appropriate compliments. The "game" is for each of you to notice when the other gave a compliment! That way, she can both become more aware of compliments that you are giving others, and she can concentrate in a positive way on finding and giving compliments to others! By focusing on complimenting people other than you, she'll start to become more aware of the opportunities to give others' compliments!

    After a while, it will become much more spontaneous for her, and I bet she'll start giving them to you too! (I supervise several people and I try to find something to compliment or praise every one of them every day. You have to be very careful to make sure they are genuine because fake compliments are offensive...like loud stinky farts!)

    Skippy, I'm very impressed that you're so aware of the power of a good compliment. When you give them to others, you make them feel better about themselves. That's going to pay big dividends for you in business, in life, and in love! Keep up teh good work!

    (See? I just gave you a compliment!!) :smile:
     
  10. D_Gaylegate Greatfloppye

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    I would not be embarrassed about Your wife saying things like that to
    you, at least She still looks at You in a sexual way. I love it when a woman shows Her interest. It lets You know You still have Her attention. When She starts to ignore You, start to worry. She most likely has Her eye on someone else. The same goes if You dont pay enough attention to Her. She may feel unattractive to You. I always make an effort to notice things
     
  11. timincm

    timincm New Member

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    Well you obviously were never a ballet dancer or been around dancers very much. If you had been you would know that ballet dancers have the ugliest feet possible. Nor do ballet dancers: male or female, have little feet as as a rule. So your compliment to her is rather like saying that someone eats like a bird. When most people say this they mean that the person they are talking about doesn't eat very much but anyone who knows anything at all about birds knows that they eat a great deal, all the time.

    As to your question: You are both right. Everyone likes to get compliments and it really isn't her job to make you feel good about yourself.
     
  12. Fed Agent

    Fed Agent New Member

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    skippydo,
    nice mushroom head on that hot cock of yours! how's that for a compliment? wink
     
  13. B_New End

    B_New End New Member

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    those are fine compliments... what makes "I like how your ass jiggles" personal?

    Personal compliments are more on personality, or facial expressions.... not ass jiggling.

    You better just drop it dude... its not macho... its wuss.

    arguing about not getting enough positives makes giving positives feel even more forced and uncomfortable.
     
  14. HyperHulk

    HyperHulk New Member

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    Skippy, a couple things. You may want to explore, what would it mean to you to hear the compliments you're expecting? If she said the things you want to hear, what would be different about your life? What would that information give you?

    It seems like you feel the need to be validated in some way. Perhaps you may want to spend some time to find out what's missing and then approach it more directly. Is this really a case of you not feeling attractive or is about your doubts regarding your relationship? Are you using these discussions to drive a wedge between you and your partner because you're not sure of her commitment or love for you?

    I think we have to be careful when we try to make our partners too much like ourselves. Our partners are unique beings who approach life differently than we do. Try to find the value in the compliments you do receive. If there is something lacking, again, be direct. You can say, "I'd love for you to let me know how you feel about X because I haven't been feeling to confident about it." Your partner isn't a mind reader and neither are you. Avoid the passive aggressive style and share with your partner your vulnerabilities if it means that much to you.

    You're not an asshole, but you do seem to be a bit needy. The issue is, what do you need and how can get that need in a healthy way that respects your partner and doesn't manipulate her?
     
  15. visceraltuning

    visceraltuning New Member

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    Skippydoo here is what I think.

    The type of compliments that I think you are requesting, that is specific compliments about your physique, are historically not something that men desired or that woman would give; men were not trying to look good for women. Men would impress women with other stuff like skills, strength, money, power, etc. However, in this day and age when men do try to impress women with their looks, a compliment would not be inappropriate but the women may have not caught up.

    On the reverse side, if your girlfriend is still operating under that old paradigm, then you need to consider that her just being with you means that she must like you for some reason. However, the things that she likes about you might be things that are not "sexy" sounding. For example, she might careless about your cock, chest, and clothes, but be really turned on that you have a steady job, come home regularly, know how to have fun . . .

    Imagine this . . . 150 years ago women liked a man with muscles not because they looked good but because they indicated that the man could protect her.

    My mind says this is very old fashion, but on a gut level I totally agree.
     
    #15 visceraltuning, Jun 9, 2008
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2008
  16. skippydoo

    skippydoo New Member

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    lots of good insight. it helps to hear opinions from outside my social circle. thanks everyone.
     
  17. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    No, I wouldn't post pictures here if I didn't want complements.
     
  18. killerb

    Verified Gold Member

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    I was in a relationship once where nothing I ever did or said was done or said "the right way"....not even when I said "I love you"...

    needless to say, after always getting complaints I just clammed up, pulled back & eventually ended things altogether...

    just take the damn generic compliments, at least you're getting them!
     
  19. Jovial

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    Some people just have a hard time giving compliments. I think because my parents didn't give a lot of compliments, especially my dad, I never learned to do it well and make it seem sincere. I am trying to get better at it and sound sincere. I always fear that I won't sound sincere. Giving compliments on appearance is especially hard for me.

    So maybe your girlfriend is in that category. Does she give compliments to other people, but just not you?

    The alternative explanation is that she just doesn't like you that much. I know that is what you suspect or how you feel when she doesn't compliment you. So hopefully, it's just that she isn't good at giving them.
     
  20. skippydoo

    skippydoo New Member

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    I get it, I get it. I am insecure and lets leave it at that. I see that people do grow up differently, I am just insecure and self centered, bad combo.
     
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