rexcasual
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American/British stereotypes
- Thread starter B_dumbcow
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Principessa
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Hmm, you say your head is throbbing?
I do have a cure for that but it needs to be administered in person. :wink: 
haha this is so funny.
i've never been to america, but what i know of it... i guess i view it as technicolour. laid-back. conservative. (if thats not too much of an oxymoron) i don't know what else. britain ftw though!
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dong20
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Well, pup is a little bit psychic, it's the whole puppy sixth sense thing.
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I wavered between saying "under 40" and "under 50." I guess I ought to have gone with 50.
Who you callin' a sorry chap?
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Ditto, at least London's. Actually until a few years back it was more likely to be dog shit, but I'm sure Mr. Whittington had bigger problems.
Nice thread. I lived in Manchester for a couple years and was the only American a couple of my mates had ever really met. One night out with my flatmates... there'd been a documentary series running called "Sects in America," so they were asking me all sorts of questions about Mormons, Amish, and "people who worship snakes." Once we got on the topic of Utah, I mentioned it was 2,000 miles away from where I grew up. So one of my flatmates said, "Christ, you go 2,000 miles from here and you're in Russia." So then my friend K asked, "Do you have neighbors in America?"
Which I thought was an odd question, but I delicately tried to explain that, while America is quite big, its not so big that we don't have people who live near us. Which confused the hell out of her because what she was asking about was the Australian soap opera.
At least five times I've been asked if people from the North still hate people from the South.
Anyway... a little bit of humor on the topic:
Guide for Americans Visiting the U.K.
Language: The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as goolies in slang, so you should for instance say I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies. Quid is the modern word for what was once called a shilling the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called wellies and friends are called tossers. If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great tosser he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits: Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three-hour siesta, which they call a wank. As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities: University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are in the know one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
Sightseeing: One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as cottaging. Many of the boats (called yer-I-nals) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food: British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Wines: Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation: Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell I think not, you charlatan!, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is not really necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are pence), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: Please take me to the British Library. A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called prams in England, and trains are called bumbershootsit's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called lorries and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the off-license. It's also very important to know that a doctor only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an MP (which stands for master physician).
Underground: For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement Mind the Gappe! is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say Subway and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization the shin stands for shalom). As savvy travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
Remember these tips and you are sure to have a great time in England.
Which I thought was an odd question, but I delicately tried to explain that, while America is quite big, its not so big that we don't have people who live near us. Which confused the hell out of her because what she was asking about was the Australian soap opera.
At least five times I've been asked if people from the North still hate people from the South.
Anyway... a little bit of humor on the topic:
Guide for Americans Visiting the U.K.
Language: The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as goolies in slang, so you should for instance say I'd love to come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies. Quid is the modern word for what was once called a shilling the equivalent of seventeen cents American. Underpants are called wellies and friends are called tossers. If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a great tosser he will be touched.
The English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the street. Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only between people of the same sex.
Habits: Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three-hour siesta, which they call a wank. As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank everyone will understand and forgive you.
Universities: University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by quaint medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small knife for sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the librarians that you are in the know one of the inner circle, as it were, for the rules are unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is customary to kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've requested, a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.
Sightseeing: One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as cottaging. Many of the boats (called yer-I-nals) are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Crisco and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.
Food: British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, the American traveler can easily afford to dine out several times a week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.
Wines: Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.
Transportation: Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell I think not, you charlatan!, then grab the nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is not really necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are pence), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: Please take me to the British Library. A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!).
Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently moved to a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales. It can be reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about the complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called prams in England, and trains are called bumbershootsit's a little confusing at first. Motorcycles are called lorries and the hospital, for reasons unknown, is called the off-license. It's also very important to know that a doctor only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, you must ask for an MP (which stands for master physician).
Underground: For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.
Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement Mind the Gappe! is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty locating the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say Subway and ask one of the full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization the shin stands for shalom). As savvy travelers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, in fact, want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, as it will expedite things on your return trip.
Remember these tips and you are sure to have a great time in England.
Here are Morrissey's views on America... and I think I have a tendency to agree with him at this point:
Morrissey - America is Not the World
America your head's too big, Because America, Your belly is too big. And I love you, I just wish you'd stay where you belong
In America, The land of the free, they said, And of opportunity, In a just and a truthful way.
But where the president, is never black, female or gay, and until that day,
you've got nothing to say to me, to help me believe
In America, it brought you the hamburger. Well America you know where, you can
shove your hamburger. And don't you wonder, why in Estonia they say, Hey you, you big fat pig, you fat pig, you fat pig
Steely blue eyes with no love in them, scan the World,
And a humourless smile, with no warmth within, greets the world.
And I, I have got nothing, to offer you
No-no-no-no-no, just this heart deep and true, which you say you don't need
See with your eyes, touch with your hands, please, hear through your ears, know in your soul, please. For haven't you me with you now? and I love you, I love you, I love you. And I love you, I love you, I love you.
Morrissey - America is Not the World
America your head's too big, Because America, Your belly is too big. And I love you, I just wish you'd stay where you belong
In America, The land of the free, they said, And of opportunity, In a just and a truthful way.
But where the president, is never black, female or gay, and until that day,
you've got nothing to say to me, to help me believe
In America, it brought you the hamburger. Well America you know where, you can
shove your hamburger. And don't you wonder, why in Estonia they say, Hey you, you big fat pig, you fat pig, you fat pig
Steely blue eyes with no love in them, scan the World,
And a humourless smile, with no warmth within, greets the world.
And I, I have got nothing, to offer you
No-no-no-no-no, just this heart deep and true, which you say you don't need
See with your eyes, touch with your hands, please, hear through your ears, know in your soul, please. For haven't you me with you now? and I love you, I love you, I love you. And I love you, I love you, I love you.
Rugbypup
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I always thought Americans nerver really got English humor, but I nearly pissed myself reading this. So much so, and knowing how innocent your fellow country men can be, I must warm them... do as the guys says, you'll be just fine. :wink:
This is hilarious however it's rather sobering to know most Americans would fall for it.
The Dragon
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There many, many strero types about Australians, all of which I'm going to exploit to the fullest when I move to America.
If Texas didn't need help before I arrived it is sure as hell going to need it after I get there.
If Texas didn't need help before I arrived it is sure as hell going to need it after I get there.
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