American dating

n3150n

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Can someone from the US explain in the simplest possible terms how your dating system works?

Maybe it's just American TV/movies that don't accurately portray real life, but the impression I get is that you can date/sleep with multiple people at the same time without causing offence - and it's not until both parties agree to "go exclusive" (which is a major relationship milestone weeks down the road) that sex with other people is considered "cheating". There are complex rules and strategies to get potential partners to commit faster, playing hard to get or withholding sex until a defined number of dates.

In my experience the UK position is more tilted in favour of monogamy - if you have sex with someone (and it's not just an agreed one-night stand or booty-call) then you're usually "going out" which includes automatic exclusivity. I think as a result of this sex happens faster in new relationships here, often on the first/second date.

Is this something anyone else has noticed, or am I way off? For bonus points, is there a concrete definition of what each "base" equates to for rating date progress? Home base is presumably full sex, first base is kissing? Or feeling up clothed on tit? I'm just curious about the difference in US/EU attitudes, and assumptions that people make about relationships as a result.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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Think of it this way: America is a mixing pot, right? There's a little bit of everything here (culturally speaking).. so there's really no general 'dating system'. It just depends where you are in the states and who you meet.
 

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If I'm seeing more than one person (hey, it could happen!) I am not having sex with them. If I have sex with someone, it's exclusive. That seems to be how it works with the people I know. Whether it's actually discussed officially by the couple or not.
 

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Think of it this way: America is a mixing pot, right? There's a little bit of everything here (culturally speaking).. so there's really no general 'dating system'. It just depends where you are in the states and who you meet.

This is pretty much correct. The one thing that holds true no matter where you are though is to communicate. If you want to casually date a person, tell them. They might not want that. Or may not care that you're boffing other people. Or may want to join! It's kind of common sense. If you aren't sure, ask.
 

n3150n

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If I'm seeing more than one person (hey, it could happen!) I am not having sex with them. If I have sex with someone, it's exclusive. That seems to be how it works with the people I know. Whether it's actually discussed officially by the couple or not.

So it's a movie device to allow for hilarious misunderstandings then? What about sex on first dates?
 

n3150n

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This is pretty much correct. The one thing that holds true no matter where you are though is to communicate. If you want to casually date a person, tell them. They might not want that. Or may not care that you're boffing other people. Or may want to join! It's kind of common sense. If you aren't sure, ask.

I'm aware of what the decent thing to do is (thanks though!), was just wondering how close the projected image of American dating through media is to reality.

Think of it this way: America is a mixing pot, right? There's a little bit of everything here (culturally speaking).. so there's really no general 'dating system'. It just depends where you are in the states and who you meet.

I appreciate that these things vary between areas and countries (UK is big mixing pot too!), but surely there's a sort of baseline of "normal" behaviour that you measure yourself and others against, and I wondered if that was subtly different on the other side of the Atlantic (as it sometimes appears from Hollywood/HBO).
 

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This is kind of a cute post, at the risk of sounding condescending. I spend a lot of time encountering people from abroad, because of where I live, what I do, my travel habits when I can, and my own background with relatives in Latin America, and yeah, I think people forget that Hollywood is a very bombastic, over-the-top representation of American life, although as they say life imitates art and people do pick up norms from pop culture, for better or worse.

Uh, where was I? Right, so I'm guessing you are just interested in how straight dating works (which is probably better because gay "dating" is all over the map, heh), but since I'm here I'll weigh in on what I know from my own social circle as well as my own experience in dating women back in the day.

I think your definition and ours is actually pretty close. Once dating has reached the point of having sex, both parties do tend to have set ground rules as to whether this is romantic attachment, something more casual (even "fuckbuddies" or "friends with benefits"), or just a hookup. So while yes, it's not especially unusual for two lovers to be seeing other people and having sex with various of them in the process, my impression is that sex by default implies some attachment unless declared otherwise explicitly. In general promiscuity is more an exception than the norm, outside of settings like college campuses or "it" neighborhoods in major cities.
 

Reddhott

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So it's a movie device to allow for hilarious misunderstandings then? What about sex on first dates?

I never have. But then, I may be a bit of an aberration. For me sex is generally more about connecting emotionally with a guy. I don't do casual sex.
 

Tight_N_Juicy

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I appreciate that these things vary between areas and countries (UK is big mixing pot too!), but surely there's a sort of baseline of "normal" behaviour that you measure yourself and others against, and I wondered if that was subtly different on the other side of the Atlantic (as it sometimes appears from Hollywood/HBO).

I guess I can't really help ya, I hate the way Hollywood portrays relationships. They make it seem like everyone falls in love after a week of dating.

I don't really do 'normal'. Normal is boring.
 

n3150n

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This is kind of a cute post, at the risk of sounding condescending.

Don't worry, I'm thick skinned. And I know it's a silly thing, but I've always wondered and been too embarrassed to ask any Americans directly!

Hollywood is a very bombastic, over-the-top representation of American life, although as they say life imitates art and people do pick up norms from pop culture, for better or worse.

That was my question, though you've put it better. Which came first, the Hollywood representation or the pop culture?

Uh, where was I? Right, so I'm guessing you are just interested in how straight dating works (which is probably better because gay "dating" is all over the map, heh), but since I'm here I'll weigh in on what I know from my own social circle as well as my own experience in dating women back in the day.

To be honest I'd be interested in hearing how Gay dating works too - again not something I can just ask someone on the street about, and I always like to find out how other people think/act.

I think your definition and ours is actually pretty close. Once dating has reached the point of having sex, both parties do tend to have set ground rules as to whether this is romantic attachment, something more casual (even "fuckbuddies" or "friends with benefits"), or just a hookup. So while yes, it's not especially unusual for two lovers to be seeing other people and having sex with various of them in the process, my impression is that sex by default implies some attachment unless declared otherwise explicitly. In general promiscuity is more an exception than the norm, outside of settings like college campuses or "it" neighborhoods in major cities.

Good to know - I suspected this was probably the way it is seen in most cultures.
 

n3150n

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I guess I can't really help ya, I hate the way Hollywood portrays relationships. They make it seem like everyone falls in love after a week of dating.

I don't really do 'normal'. Normal is boring.

Sure, but finding out why "normal" is seen as "normal" (or where the threshold with no-longer-normal is) might sometimes be interesting? Maybe losing the point of this thread a bit, not sure what it was...
 
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Tight_N_Juicy

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Sure, but finding out why "normal" is seen as "normal" (or where the threshold with no-longer-normal is) might sometimes be interesting? Maybe losing the point of this thread a bit, not sure what it was...

I dunno. I guess I'm interested in different things. I've always been confused and annoyed by how society pressures people to fit into a box and be seen as 'normal' or 'just a regular guy/girl'. My interest lies in the unique people who are doing things I've never heard of. ;)

It's just a conversation to satisfy your curiosity. Nothing wrong with that.

I'm off to work now, time to make the coffee!!
 
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mikeyinbrooklyn

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Like the others said, there is no real system here now (I think prior to the 1970s there was, and people had many fewer sex partners). The only real thing an individual needs to make sure of is that they and their partner(s) are on the same page as far as what their status is. If there is no understanding that you are dating someone or in a relationship, I don't think there is any expectation that sex is more than just sex; no strings attached, no limits on seeing and screwing other people. I will say that this can be problematic and cause complications for those who try to have regular "no strings" sex with someone. I firmly believe after a lifetime of dating and observing others as well: no one can have an ongoing sexual relationship with someone without developing emotions and expectations. So, for better or worse, Americans as a whole don't attach sex to relationships; but the sex can cause the relationship, whether it's intended or wanted or not.
 

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… I'm just curious about the difference in US/EU attitudes, and assumptions that people make about relationships as a result.

I've never traveled Europe but from what I've heard from friends and family who have there is considerable variation between the countries that make up the EU. Same thing in the US from region to region and especially when contrasting urban populations to the rural community. So I seriously doubt that there is anything resembling an easy answer to the question.

As for me, if I'm actually "dating" a gal then reaching the stage where we decide to have sex defines the relationship as monogamous. That said, I have on occasion had sex with women the very day that we met, not anything that I would call an agreed to one night stand or booty call, just something that happens spontaneously. In those cases the sex was very exciting, but not altogether complete by my standards. With a few of those spontaneous hook ups we went on to have sex again and upon that second act of lovemaking it became a monogamous relationship, be it short term or long term. I guess I'm rather like Reddhott in that regard, meaning that making love to a woman is for me more than just getting off, it takes an emotional connection and a passion that transcends lust.

When it comes to men, however, having multiple partners simultaneously is my standard approach. With men I'm not looking for a "relationship" per se, just good clean hedonistic fun and physical sex. A number of my male sex partners and I have become very good friends with a relationship that extends far beyond the hedonism, but never anything that would constitute a monogamous relationship.
 

belowaverage1

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When getting to know someone it's best not to assume anything.

Dating: Has gone on (at least) 2 dates, will go on another to make the word properly continuous.

Seeing each other: Dating. Might be more or less involved, saying this phrase is very your mileage may vary.

Have had sex: You've had sex. (that's absolutely all this means)

Fuck buddy: See dating where only sex happens instead of the date or maybe with dates/hanging.

In a relationship: Both (or all 3+) people talked and agreed upon this. Never to ever be assumed by anyone involved for any reason.

I'd like to be a more positive person so I'll just say this about gay dating:

Sometimes it's actually dating and the guys date and it develops into a relationship. Most of the time it's just sex or a whole lot of bs. Which I assume is like straight dating?
 

twoton

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Most women I know would regard having sex as a commitment to monogamy, unless it's a pre-defined FWB relationship. I don't think most women would have sex with other people while they're with one guy.
Slightly different for the guys. I think a lot of (straight) guys would have sex with multiple partners given the right circumstances.

I think the plots in US rom-coms would not work in real life because the people in them wouldn't put up with it.

As for sex in the first date, my longest lasting relationships started off that way, including my marriage.
 

invisibleman

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AMERICAN DATING. Some Americans do well with monogamous relationships. Some Americans, like myself, don't do well with monogamy. Not that I hate monogamy...I would love it if a man liked me well enough to want me to be the one and maintains that he is happy with me. But I haven't found that man that was ever that happy to make a commitment. I wasn't an asshole to these men either. I am not ugly. I treat these men golden. But they don't stick around. IT would be nice to meet a guy and have a guy MAINTAIN his interest in monogamy...but I haven't been able to.

So, I have had to adapt to the market. I am not monogamous. I am polyamorous. Men have ruined the monogamous concept for me. But because I am poly, doesn't mean I agree with everything. If they cannot handle my rules...they don't have to be with me. If I cannot handle their terms...I don't have to.



 

Trevor

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Can someone from the US explain in the simplest possible terms how your dating system works?

Maybe it's just American TV/movies that don't accurately portray real life, but the impression I get is that you can date/sleep with multiple people at the same time without causing offence - and it's not until both parties agree to "go exclusive" (which is a major relationship milestone weeks down the road) that sex with other people is considered "cheating". There are complex rules and strategies to get potential partners to commit faster, playing hard to get or withholding sex until a defined number of dates.

In my experience the UK position is more tilted in favour of monogamy - if you have sex with someone (and it's not just an agreed one-night stand or booty-call) then you're usually "going out" which includes automatic exclusivity. I think as a result of this sex happens faster in new relationships here, often on the first/second date.

Is this something anyone else has noticed, or am I way off? For bonus points, is there a concrete definition of what each "base" equates to for rating date progress? Home base is presumably full sex, first base is kissing? Or feeling up clothed on tit? I'm just curious about the difference in US/EU attitudes, and assumptions that people make about relationships as a result.

I think it really depends on what region of the United States you are in. The United States is a big country and people in different regions of the US have VERY different attitudes about sex and concepts of morality. In the South and Midwest (i.e. the "Red States") where most people tend to be more religious and more conservative I think people tend wait until they are in a relationship to have sex and tend to be more monogamous whereas in the more liberal "blue states" in the Northeast and out on the West Coast they probably tend to have more partners, and be more open minded toward alternative lifestyles.

This is just based on my personal experience having lived in different regions of the US.
 

Carpe_Diem420

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As others have pointed out, America is a huge place with many different cultures and sub cultures. As a young man in college, there isn't too many in my age group who's seriously dating. It tends to be more of a come as you please type of deal. Lots of hooking up and FWB, this is why I stay away from exclusive relationships because there's really no point when you're focusing on school work, sports etc. As I get older I envision myself probably going the more traditional route when I plan to travel to more traditional countries.
 

AtYourCervix10

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as a single male in LA, i'm constantly yelled at by women who want serious monogamous relationships. if there is a hook up culture, its because guys have to lie to american women to get sex... so yeah.


Can someone from the US explain in the simplest possible terms how your dating system works?

Maybe it's just American TV/movies that don't accurately portray real life, but the impression I get is that you can date/sleep with multiple people at the same time without causing offence - and it's not until both parties agree to "go exclusive" (which is a major relationship milestone weeks down the road) that sex with other people is considered "cheating". There are complex rules and strategies to get potential partners to commit faster, playing hard to get or withholding sex until a defined number of dates.

In my experience the UK position is more tilted in favour of monogamy - if you have sex with someone (and it's not just an agreed one-night stand or booty-call) then you're usually "going out" which includes automatic exclusivity. I think as a result of this sex happens faster in new relationships here, often on the first/second date.

Is this something anyone else has noticed, or am I way off? For bonus points, is there a concrete definition of what each "base" equates to for rating date progress? Home base is presumably full sex, first base is kissing? Or feeling up clothed on tit? I'm just curious about the difference in US/EU attitudes, and assumptions that people make about relationships as a result.