McSweeney's Internet Tendency: Reasons to Fear Canada.
Reasons to Fear Canada
by Sean Carman
- Ninety percent of population is massed within 100 miles of northern American border.
- Seems not to mind that one of its provinces has turned almost entirely French.
- Excessive politeness only makes sense as cover for something truly sinister. But what?
- Citizens seem strangely impervious to cold.
- Decriminalization of marijuana and acceptance of gay marriage without corresponding collapse of social institutions indicate Canada may, in fact, be indestructible.
- Has infiltrated entertainment industry with singers, actors, and comedians practically indistinguishable from their American counterparts.
- Consistently stays just below cultural radar yet never quite disappears.
- Parliamentary government and common-law judiciary appear to function acceptably yet remain completely inscrutable.
- Never had a "disco phase."
- Seemingly endless supply of timber, donuts, and Scotch-plaid hats with earflaps.
- Keeps insisting it "has no designs on America" and "only wants peace."
- Plays a mean game of pond hockey.