An engagement with no ring?

[PatriotSam]

I find it funny that I always turn to LPSG with my most serious relationship queries. I guess it's the open minded, non-judgmental and oddly intelligent nature of the majority of this site's membership?

Anyway ...

I've been dating this girl for 2+ years now ... long story short ... we're both in our early 30s, it's serious, I lover her, she loves me, we both want a family, I asked her to marry me.

The proposal is in limbo right now.

Problem is, I can't "afford" to buy her a decent ring because despite my good paying job, I have a lot of fresh debts to pay back in the aftermath of the recession and she's undergoing a career change.

Though "afford" is in quotes because it's less about "affording" and more about "justifying" the cost of such an exorbitantly priced trinket.

I understand the significance of the ring ... but our love exists regardless of the ring and that money could be put to better use right now.

What would you do in this situation? Bite the bullet and buy the ring? Or wait until the ground under our feet is a little more solid before spending so much on symbolism?

Of course, I'll talk to my girlfriend about all this ... I just want to get some tertiary opinions form the ether.

Thanks.

 

[D_Fiona_Farvel]

Why not buy a modest ring or simple band now and upgrade later?

There's no need to break the bank or follow any tradition beyond what you and your future wife prefer. I'm not a fan of jewelry, and knowing that, I was given and wore a necklace as a sign of engagement.

 

[TheBestYouCan]

Why not buy a modest ring or simple band now and upgrade later?

There's no need to break the bank or follow any tradition beyond what you and your future wife prefer. I'm not a fan of jewelry, and knowing that, I was given and wore a necklace as a sign of engagement.

How silly is it in our society that you are letting your relationship float in limbo over something as trivial as a "trinket". Yes, it symbolizes your love, but it isn't your love. The lack of it doesn't speak to a lack or deficit in love.

With or with out a circular band of metal your love for one another is still real, just as real as if it had a glittering bauble to announce it. Your actions will announce it to the world louder and greater than any ring ever could. Let the real ring that symbolizes your love be the ring of truth in your vows to one another and the way you choose to live your lives daily.

 

[Ed69]

My wife and I have done just fine over 20 years of marriage without any rings.We did exchange tattoos on our 10th year,but still no rings.

 

[nudeyorker]

The best advice I can give you is talk to her and ask her about how she feels about it.
I think the ring is important to most people so I would ask if she would like something simple now and something more substantial when the financial picture is brighter or would she prefer to wait?

 

[ManlyBanisters]

All good advice so far - well, maybe with the exception of the classy Mr.69 but each to their own, eh?

Nudie is talking the most sense though - talk to her. I know you said you would but please, when you do talk to her don't start with the 'justifying the expense of a trinket' speech, start with the 'how you do feel about it' question. Listen first, explain your feelings / ideas second.

I don't know or care to know what Hickboy paid for my ring. It doesn't matter - it's very much my style, he chose well. He didn't get it the minute were engaged, it was quite some time after - I didn't mind that, or even think about it. But now I have it I very much like wearing his ring. I can't really explain why but I do like feeling that tangible and durable symbol of our commitment on my finger. I would have bought him one too, but he doesn't wear jewelry. Perhaps he should have an engagement fishing rod or something. :smile:

 

[Ed69]

All good advice so far - well, maybe with the exception of the classy Mr.69 but each to their own, eh?

So cute,worried about being classy married to Hickboy!LOL:tongue:

:smile:

 

[B_Hickboy]

Bamboo

3wt, "Baby Creek", please. And this reel...
Hardy Perfect - fryingpananglers Store

...and a silk line...

All good advice so far - well, maybe with the exception of the classy Mr.69 but each to their own, eh?

Nudie is talking the most sense though - talk to her. I know you said you would but please, when you do talk to her don't start with the 'justifying the expense of a trinket' speech, start with the 'how you do feel about it' question. Listen first, explain your feelings / ideas second.

I don't know or care to know what Hickboy paid for my ring. It doesn't matter - it's very much my style, he chose well. He didn't get it the minute were engaged, it was quite some time after - I didn't mind that, or even think about it. But now I have it I very much like wearing his ring. I can't really explain why but I do like feeling that tangible and durable symbol of our commitment on my finger. I would have bought him one too, but he doesn't wear jewelry. Perhaps he should have an engagement fishing rod or something. :smile:

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Bamboo

3wt, "Baby Creek", please. And this reel...
Hardy Perfect - fryingpananglers Store

...and a silk line...

I dunno about engagement present - that's about a year's worth of non-stop cunnilingus, though. :biggrin:

Oh, and can you lend me a coupla thousand bux, pls? :kiss:

 

[B_Hickboy]

I dunno about engagement present - that's about a year's worth of non-stop cunnilingus, though. :biggrin:

Oh, and can you lend me a coupla thousand bux, pls? :kiss:

All I have, or am, or will become.

Tongue included.

 

[joyboytoy79]

This is not a bad idea:

Why not buy a modest ring or simple band now and upgrade later?

There's no need to break the bank or follow any tradition beyond what you and your future wife prefer. I'm not a fan of jewelry, and knowing that, I was given and wore a necklace as a sign of engagement.

This is a GREAT idea:

The best advice I can give you is talk to her and ask her about how she feels about it.
I think the ring is important to most people so I would ask if she would like something simple now and something more substantial when the financial picture is brighter or would she prefer to wait?

Finally, add in the bolded part:

All good advice so far - well, maybe with the exception of the classy Mr.69 but each to their own, eh?

Nudie is talking the most sense though - talk to her. I know you said you would but please, when you do talk to her don't start with the 'justifying the expense of a trinket' speech, start with the 'how you do feel about it' question. Listen first, explain your feelings / ideas second.

I don't know or care to know what Hickboy paid for my ring. It doesn't matter - it's very much my style, he chose well. He didn't get it the minute were engaged, it was quite some time after - I didn't mind that, or even think about it. But now I have it I very much like wearing his ring. I can't really explain why but I do like feeling that tangible and durable symbol of our commitment on my finger. I would have bought him one too, but he doesn't wear jewelry. Perhaps he should have an engagement fishing rod or something. :smile:

I've worn my engagement ring for 4.5 years now. It has become a part of my identity. I can't imagine having not gotten one. For me, this "trinket" is very important. I know there are many people for whom it isn't very important. I think what's important for you, Patriot, is to find out what the future Mrs' feelings are on the subject.

Then, IF she is the "rings are important to me" sort, ask her if she would be okay with the "modest ring now, nicer upgrade later" solution. If she's hesitant, explain to her your reasoning and feelings on financial security.

Of course, if she's the "romance is SUPER important" type, you might want to skip the questions, buy her a modest token ring, surprise her with it, and explain the upgrade option after the "thank you" sex.

 

[petite]

There are several ways to do the "upgrade later" idea, if she likes that idea. You could always just shop for a setting together and have it set with an imitation stone or a sapphire. Then, when you can afford it you can replace that stone with a diamond. If you have a ring set with a sapphire, that stone could later become a pretty pendant or be set into a new ring to wear on her right hand. Sapphires come in all colors and are hard enough to withstand being worn daily on the hand, unlike most other stones which will fracture or chip, such as emeralds or tanzanite, for example.

You could also look at pre-owned rings instead of new ones to get a better ring for less money. That way you don't lose the depreciation value from buying brand new jewelry.

Some considerations if you plan to buy a setting to have the stones replaced. Choose gold over platinum. Platinum is harder but does not take to resetting well because the metal is less pliant. You don't want to lose a reset diamond because a prong snapped off. When choosing settings, be aware of what kinds are better for it. Many bezel settings and channel setting are not optimal for replacing a stone. Tension set rings may not be a good choice either. It may be better to wait on purchasing these settings with the stone in it rather than attempt to replace it later. I would be sure to ask a jeweler if she really likes a setting how easily the stone could be replaced.

A typical Tiffany-style prong setting in gold should be no problem, though.

Here's a guide to different types of settings:
http://www.whiteflash.com/about-diamonds/books/diamond-settings-guide.pdf

Stones vary in weight, so keep that in mind. A one carat sapphire setting will not hold a one carat diamond, and a sapphire ring that is $200 might need a 2 carat diamond to fill the same space. Target what size diamond you intend to upgrade to, then look at the mm diameter and choose a setting based upon that measurement.

Also, round diamonds are the most brilliant and reflect the most light, this is scientific fact, so you may want to choose that shape if the eventual setting is intended to be for a diamond, but that entirely depends on her preferences.

I don't actually recommend choosing colored stones on the internet because you cannot see the colors accurately, but I included these links to illustrate the possibilities.

http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=4375679&kpc=1
That's approximately the size of a one carat diamond I believe.

This is very pretty.
http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=11891931&kpc=1

For example , this is a pretty white sapphire 3 stone ring, only $186. It won't be as brilliant or shine like a diamond or an imitation diamond, but it's all real stones.

 

[Valium]

Have you thought about a posey ring? They are actually the precursor to the wedding ring.. They are not terribly expensive at all and the sayings on them can be tailored to suit you and yours' personality..

That being said.. Talk to your other half and if she's ok with it, get rings later.. A ring is only a sign of love for other people. You love each other just the same with or without it.. You shouldn't let a ring hold up your engagement if you both want to move forward in your lives with each other

 

[petite]

Oh, another tip: Keep in mind that because people are silly about numbers, a diamond that is .99 carats will cost significantly less than a diamond that is 1.01 carats, even though no one can tell the difference in size.

And if she argues that authentic Tiffany's is worth the markup, you might be in big trouble.

 

[dreamer20]

I've been dating this girl for 2+ years now ...we both want a family, I asked her to marry me.

Did she say yes?

 

[Bbucko]

I started a thread on engagement rings in the Women's Issues forum on the subject a while back. I found the responses most interesting.

 

[vince]

The world's largest known yellow diamond has been sold at auction for over $10.9 million.

CBBC Newsround - A huge diamond goes on sale in Switzerland

I love you long time!


Diamond politics aside, it fucking gorgeous.

 

[CUBE]

I really respect the fact you are thinking about the cost of the ring in a realistic fashion. I mean why jeopardize a relationship by creating debt over a big ring. I agree with a few others here. I would talk this out with your lady. I would get simple bands now and change up later. I think it is more import to be the diamond in each other's life then have a diamond on your finger. Be out of debt and it will be less stress in a new relationship. Regards. Glad you have someone in your life.

 

[snoozan]

This is something you need to talk out now because financial decisions like this can make or break a marriage.

Personally, I would not go into debt over a ring, and you can get gorgeous rings for a good price. Silver, for example, is a lot more durable than gold. Diamonds aren't the only beautiful gemstone.

If she's the type of woman that is always going to want expensive jewelry and extravagant things and this isn't your style, that's something to consider in terms of whether you're compatible.

I guess the only other thing I can say is that it's a bad idea to start your life together on bad financial footing, and if a ring is going to cause that, it's not a good idea, period. It might not even be a bad idea to wait on the engagement until your finances are straight.