An Ideal Husband

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Principessa, Jul 10, 2008.

  1. Principessa

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    An Ideal Husband
    By MAUREEN DOWD

    This weekend, we celebrate our great American pastime: messy celebrity divorces.

    There’s the Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook fireworks on Long Island and the Madonna/Guy Ritchie/A-Rod Roman candle in New York.

    So how do you avoid a relationship where you end up saying, “The man who I was living with, I just didn’t know who he was” — as Brinkley did in court when talking about her husband’s $3,000-a-month Internet porn and swinger site habit? (Not to mention the 18-year-old mistress/assistant.)

    Father Pat Connor, a 79-year-old Catholic priest born in Australia and based in Bordentown, N.J., has spent his celibate life — including nine years as a missionary in India — mulling connubial bliss. His decades of marriage counseling led him to distill some “mostly common sense” advice about how to dodge mates who would maul your happiness.

    “Hollywood says you can be deeply in love with someone and then your marriage will work,” the twinkly eyed, white-haired priest says. “But you can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married.”

    For 40 years, he has been giving a lecture — “Whom Not to Marry” — to high school seniors, mostly girls because they’re more interested.

    “It’s important to do it before they fall seriously in love, because then it will be too late,” he explains. “Infatuation trumps judgment.”

    I asked him to summarize his talk:

    “Never marry a man who has no friends,” he starts. “This usually means that he will be incapable of the intimacy that marriage demands. I am always amazed at the number of men I have counseled who have no friends. Since, as the Hebrew Scriptures say, ‘Iron shapes iron and friend shapes friend,’ what are his friends like? What do your friends and family members think of him? Sometimes, your friends can’t render an impartial judgment because they are envious that you are beating them in the race to the altar. Envy beclouds judgment.

    “Does he use money responsibly? Is he stingy? Most marriages that founder do so because of money — she’s thrifty, he’s on his 10th credit card.

    “Steer clear of someone whose life you can run, who never makes demands counter to yours. It’s good to have a doormat in the home, but not if it’s your husband.

    “Is he overly attached to his mother and her mythical apron strings? When he wants to make a decision, say, about where you should go on your honeymoon, he doesn’t consult you, he consults his mother. (I’ve known cases where the mother accompanies the couple on their honeymoon!)

    “Does he have a sense of humor? That covers a multitude of sins. My mother was once asked how she managed to live harmoniously with three men — my father, brother and me. Her answer, delivered with awesome arrogance, was: ‘You simply operate on the assumption that no man matures after the age of 11.’ My father fell about laughing.

    “A therapist friend insists that ‘more marriages are killed by silence than by violence.’ The strong, silent type can be charming but ultimately destructive. That world-class misogynist, Paul of Tarsus, got it right when he said, ‘In all your dealings with one another, speak the truth to one another in love that you may grow up.’

    “Don’t marry a problem character thinking you will change him. He’s a heavy drinker, or some other kind of addict, but if he marries a good woman, he’ll settle down. People are the same after marriage as before, only more so.

    “Take a good, unsentimental look at his family — you’ll learn a lot about him and his attitude towards women. Kay made a monstrous mistake marrying Michael Corleone! Is there a history of divorce in the family? An atmosphere of racism, sexism or prejudice in his home? Are his goals and deepest beliefs worthy and similar to yours? I remember counseling a pious Catholic woman that it might not be prudent to marry a pious Muslim, whose attitude about women was very different. Love trumped prudence; the annulment process was instigated by her six months later.

    “Imagine a religious fundamentalist married to an agnostic. One would have to pray that the fundamentalist doesn’t open the Bible and hit the page in which Abraham is willing to obey God and slit his son’s throat.

    “Finally: Does he possess those character traits that add up to a good human being — the willingness to forgive, praise, be courteous? Or is he inclined to be a fibber, to fits of rage, to be a control freak, to be envious of you, to be secretive?

    “After I regale a group with this talk, the despairing cry goes up: ‘But you’ve eliminated everyone!’ Life is unfair.”
     
  2. D_Ivana Dickenside

    D_Ivana Dickenside New Member

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    father connor is so wise :smile:
     
  3. D_Portelay Porquesword

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    Friend shapes friend. Food for thought.
     
  4. Principessa

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    I once dated a man with no friends and mother issues...never again! :cool:
     
  5. B_Nick4444

    B_Nick4444 New Member

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    just broke my heart ...
     
  6. Principessa

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    Sorry dude, but I try to learn from my mistakes. :redface: Men with no friends tend to be possessive and clingy. I used to beg him to go join a bowling league or have a poker night or something.
     
  7. B_Think_Kink

    B_Think_Kink New Member

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    hum, very neat.
     
  8. JamieBoy

    JamieBoy New Member

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    Very wise man Father Pat. Experience counts. These guys have seen all types of couples and marriages.

    I would also add: Never have ANYTHING to do with someone who is insanely jealous. It never gets better - just worse.
     
  9. TwasBrillig

    TwasBrillig Member

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    Well, now, maybe. Not all men are relationship-challenged simply because they do not have other male friends. I have moved numerouse times (Tokyo, Hong King, New York) and am having a bit of a problem making the kind of friends you are suggesting. I don't go to bars or clubs - and please do not read any criticism into that - it's just not what works for me. I do have acquaintances here but no friends yet, although I think I am still capable of a committed relationship.

    Thank you
     
  10. Love-it

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    Make sure that your potential mate is capable of sharing.
     
  11. Ed69

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    That might hold true in your world.Not in mine,I want a woman in my life.But I don't need her or any friends to be a man.I won't cling to anyone or anything ever again.
     
  12. D_Jared Padalicki

    D_Jared Padalicki Account Disabled

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    An ideal husband would be me :biggrin1:, just because I'm: neat, friendly, a bit hung, helpful, not that bad looking, a good cook, ... and the most important for some of you --> a virgin!

    Hahahaha

    Cheers
     
  13. houtx48

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    if he was celibate and not married then what makes him an expert, i tend to agree with what he says but still.
     
  14. D_Ed69s girl

    D_Ed69s girl <img border="0" src="/images/badges/member.gif" wi

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    You found the right wife cause I am cling free too. Just to let you know babe You are my Ideal Husband.:biggrin1:
     
  15. D_Ed69s girl

    D_Ed69s girl <img border="0" src="/images/badges/member.gif" wi

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    All I can say to this article is SO WHAT. Why is it that everyone want to text book life. Just live it!! I burn the text book years ago and I am a happy woman for doing that know. Cause guess what I am not trying to turn my husband into something he is not. If you care about the man your with then you accept him and his faults. And don't walk out the door the moment he fails to do what you think he should do.
     
  16. hypoc8

    hypoc8 Member

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    Testify sister! I have never figured out why people always want to change others. My ex was one of those people.
     
  17. EagleCowboy

    EagleCowboy Well-Known Member

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    AMEN TO THAT!!

    One of my former jobs, I saw it ALL. The good, the bad, and the really weird!! I sincerely hope I learned from everyone else on what not to do and more importantly, what TO do.

    My last family re-union, I KNEW I was going to be bombarded by everyone on "when ya gonna get married". That I NEEDED to be married. That's when I blew a gasket and let everyone have it with all the cannons I had.
    I simply told them that NO ONE in this room is qualified to give me advice or tell me what I need to do in that area of my life!! Reason #1- there was no one in the room that hadn't been married and divorced less than 2 times. I then proceeded to tell them that on the 3rd time, they should be denied a license, because they all suck at being married, and ain't none of them came out of the divorce on top or smelling like a rose!! If I was to follow their example, I would do better for myself to go out once every 10 years, find a woman I hate, and buy her a house!! They haven't bugged me about it since!!

    There is no such thing as a "textbook" life or the "perfect" life, or the "perfect" marriage. It is all simply what you make it. And if you haven't figured that out BEFORE you got married, you most likely shouldn't be.
     
  18. whatireallywant

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    There is no such thing as an "ideal" husband or an "ideal" wife, because we're all humans, we all have faults, and every one of us has quirks that would annoy just about anyone else.

    The trick is to find someone whose quirks you can live with, even if they do annoy you a little bit! :smile:
     
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