An open and honest discussion about interracial same-sex pairings and relationships

[kayman]

I know personally there been many times over the last few months where there have been threads most in the Womens' Issues forum where interracial relationships or pairings have been discussed. However, the discussion of relationship between same-sex couples seems to be omitted. It's obvious there are way more homosexual and bisexual guys on this site some want to admit. I also would like to hear from other LGBTs on here from their experiences with interracial dating. Hopefully, without it becoming too acrimonious.

I'll start with myself:

As a black male, I have found interracial dating a curious and rewarding yet bizarre minefield for me. Interestingly, I was reared in a suburban, predominately white environment, but always been taught to be open-minded and egalitarian on the perspective of others different than myself. Although all of my long term relationships have been with black guys, I've dated a couple white guys and 1 Latino guy in the past.

I've come to the conclusion there is certain mindset of white guys that I can only see myself with in the future. I feel that the dynamics our backgrounds and surroundings plays a part in determining the ability of such pairings to work. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I've noticed some white guys let their peers effect how they act and what they do in their relationship with non-white guys particularly black guys.

I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off.

This pattern of constant encounters of insecurity and dichotomy in behavior experiences in a way made me very cynical of dating white guys. At the time I had friends whom were black experienced similar situations and have these sentiments. Over time this perspective had moderated by the time I dated another white guy. However, it wasn't meant to be because he was older than me by 13 years and our lives were in different places at the time. In the end, although it didn't make it to a physically intimate level, it was an overall pleasant experience for once.

The Latino guy and I had a lot of chemistry and many things in common, but our life tracks were going in different directions. We both were about to graduate from undergrad from our university. He had plans to go back to Spain for a teaching gig and I had plans to move to Atlanta upon graduation.

Overall I would do it again in the future and don't see any issues in practice in general. The problems have been those individuals that seem to not be able to get beyond the fixation of my racial background and fetishizing it rather than liking and being with me for the person I am.

Now let the discussion begin...

 

[concupisys]

just tell those white gays and bisexuals that without black people, there would be no rupaul, martha wash, diana ross, whitney or mariah, shirley bassey, rihanna, janet jackson, haddaway, byron stingley, or all the white people who try and emulate them.... the world of homosexuality would be a much different place without black people and the flavour they bring in to our lives....

 

[kayman]

just tell those white gays and bisexuals that without black people, there would be no rupaul, martha wash, diana ross, whitney or mariah, shirley bassey, rihanna, janet jackson, haddaway, byron stingley, or all the white people who try and emulate them.... the world of homosexuality would be a much different place without black people and the flavour they bring in to our lives....

LOL, that is true.

 

[rayray]

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, that's what really matters. I'm really surprised by the way you see some of the things(not all) you wrote. I am 53, my generation was way more aware of interracial relationships then most people your age.Alot a kids these days, if raised properly dont see black and white quite the way we did when i was growing up. I was very young and quite frankly when the equal rights movement began i was unaware of the difference between black or white people. I was raised in the burbs and was not raised close to enough to anyone of any race different then mine. If i understood you right about the fetish issue..White men who are obsessed with white men ? It's just a preference..I like Blondes, he like Brunettes. Do you get what i mean ? I just think maybe you are reading to much into about what you think.

 

[kayman]

As long as you respect each other and care for each other, that's what really matters. I'm really surprised by the way you see some of the things(not all) you wrote. I am 53, my generation was way more aware of interracial relationships then most people your age.Alot a kids these days, if raised properly dont see black and white quite the way we did when i was growing up. I was very young and quite frankly when the equal rights movement began i was unaware of the difference between black or white people. I was raised in the burbs and was not raised close to enough to anyone of any race different then mine. If i understood you right about the fetish issue..White men who are obsessed with white men ? It's just a preference..I like Blondes, he like Brunettes. Do you get what i mean ? I just think maybe you are reading to much into about what you think.

No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc.

 

[travis1985]

I think there's a taboo about stating what your preferences are when it comes to race. If you say you're generally not attracted to members of other races, you will nearly inevitably get branded a racist. And as Ray points out, if you're particularly attracted to another race, the assumption is that it's some kind of fetish. As a society, we've made progress in accepting and respecting everyone, but then again the requirement that that be the case has made race a really touchy subject that's dangerous to acknowledge as existing.

Example: I'm white and I've only had sex with one black person. This man smelled and tasted weird, so it was kind of repulsive and I didn't have a good time. Ask me about my experience with black guys, and I'll have to say I've only been with one and didn't like it for that reason. If someone chooses to interpret that as me thinking black guys are gross, which is likely, there's not much I can say to convince them that it's not a matter of racism but of limited experience of the kind that happened to go poorly.

On the other hand, I've had sex with several Latino men, and found them all sexy, attractive, and great in bed. The ethnicity in and of itself isn't particularly attractive or unattractive to me. But damned if I haven't had a good time every time.

So I guess one of two things is true. One possibility is that I hate black guys and perv on Latinos. Another is that my experience with black guys has happened to be bad, and my experience with Latinos, good. Draw the conclusion you will.

I'll go ahead and agree that it comes down to preferences. I'm generally attracted to white, Latino, and Jewish guys. I'm generally not attracted to black or Asian guys. I also find dark brown hair the sexiest hair color and am not at all enticed by redheads.

 

[Countryguy63]

This is unique, while being not so unique :wink:

In one way, it's unique because of the racial issues that you bring up. It's unfortunate that you have experienced guys (who were white) that were not genuine enough to show you the admiration and respect in front of others that they apparently expressed in private.

It's not so unique because no matter what the racial differences, same gender or opposite gender relationships, there will always be those who for some reason or another will feel the need to put on a front when they get around their friends.

You say that you're tired of the guys that just want to be with you because of your skin color, but for the most part, unless it's someone that you have known for a while, it's going to be your physical attributes that is going to attract them to you. Just know that you are not going to accept someone that is not genuinely happy and proud to be with you, no matter who they are around.

I'm not saying that interracial relationships don't have additional challenges, but just like many other relationships, not all are going to be successful. I wouldn't worry about why they are attracted to you, but more about who they are, inside. If it's what you want, somewhere there is a white guy, that is not only going to be attracted to you for your appearance, but is also going to have an open and sincere heart! :smile:

 

[avg_joe]

Latino men are hot. I'm generally attracted to them because of their beautiful eyes and brown skin color. I'm Asian with brown skin, and think I can relate more to Latino guys, whom I have in common with family values, tradition and culture, than black guys or white guys. For a long term relationship, I would choose a latino or an Asian as my partner; but for a quickie or friend with benefits, I would pick other races.

 

[buffaloboy]

No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc.

I've found there's a huge fetishisation of black men online, to a degree that I've not encountered in the real world. I've recently deleted my profile on XHamster, as I grew tired of the endless messages which talked only of my 'BIG BLACK cock' and the assumption that I would be their 'black bull', or dominant top. I received literally hundreds and hundreds of messages on that site which all said pretty much the same thing and it grew to be tediously boring in the end.

There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

 

[D_22]

When it comes to guys, I find myself to be attracted to blacks, Asians, and mixed (of whatever race) more than the others. But race plays no factor when I'm actually talking and am interested in someone. I honestly don't really even see race when I'm interested in someone and talking to them where something could happen. Usually my friends/family have to ask me what their race are when I'm talking to them and it's not something I automatically think about.

 

[B_Nia88]

I am attracted to black man and it may be his skin colour that brings me to the relationship but it is who the man is that keeps me in the relationship.

 

[kayman]

I've found there's a huge fetishisation of black men online, to a degree that I've not encountered in the real world. I've recently deleted my profile on XHamster, as I grew tired of the endless messages which talked only of my 'BIG BLACK cock' and the assumption that I would be their 'black bull', or dominant top. I received literally hundreds and hundreds of messages on that site which all said pretty much the same thing and it grew to be tediously boring in the end.

There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

I do agree with the online observation. I've experienced a similar notion on a number of sites, but I am a bottom. Honestly, I am automatically off-put by guys that assume about my race that I am a top w/ a big dick. It's degrading to be only seen as a body part or a human sexual object.

 

[Countryguy63]

{snip}
There's an interesting contradiction here because although they wanted to play the submissive role I, seemingly, had no choice at all in what I wanted to do. I was just the 'big black cock' to be used for their own pleasure which, when you think about it, is really just another form of slavery.

Except you could choose to walk away at any time.

A form of being used? Maybe.
Not your desires? Definitely.
A form of slavery? Absolutely not!

 

[rayray]

"QOUTE"I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off." Kayman. In the above mentioned, did you ever ask these guys that you were dating that you felt like (He)they were treating you or acting different around his white friends ? I still don't quite understand the "fetishisation". Are you saying they date you because they think your hung well because you are black ? That's the only fixation i can think of..If they were fixated because of a body part they, i assume have not seen yet..I would think they would get to know you and if the chemistry was there you both would know it..That is called attraction because they like you for who you are.Personally for myself, i prefer men who are well endowed period.I am not trying to be shallow but that is what i prefer"QUOTE"No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc." This too i don't quite get ?

 

[kayman]

"QOUTE"I've had some white guys I dated who would treat me like gold when privately but possess an awkward disposition towards me around some of their friends (almost always white and openly gay/bisexual). Mainly because they feared what their opinion of us being together. At times, one guy in particular wouldn't even acknowledge me as somebody special in his life publicly. Also sexually, I experienced the obsession and many ways sexual fetishization of me being black, which ultimately a turn-off." Kayman. In the above mentioned, did you ever ask these guys that you were dating that you felt like (He)they were treating you or acting different around his white friends ? I still don't quite understand the "fetishisation". Are you saying they date you because they think your hung well because you are black ? That's the only fixation i can think of..If they were fixated because of a body part they, i assume have not seen yet..I would think they would get to know you and if the chemistry was there you both would know it..That is called attraction because they like you for who you are.Personally for myself, i prefer men who are well endowed period.I am not trying to be shallow but that is what i prefer"QUOTE"No, I was addressing how some white guys have only wanted to be with me just because I am black. The issues that arise when someone just likes me for my skin color and physical features of a descendant of the African diaspora but not because they like me as person with common interests, specific personality traits, etc." This too i don't quite get ?

Yes, I did ask them. They never did give a clear nor concise answer those questions rather the run around the subject. They didn't fixate on my dick rather my ass, which is very visible even when I wear looser fitting clothes. Also actions speak louder than words, and I trust my own judgement when a person shows you who they truly are and their intentions of being in your life and vice-versa.

RayRay, I've explained as thoroughly as possible about how it feels when someone sees you in a myopic manner of being just a member of a race group and stereotypical notions irrespective the individual things associated your being such as personality, commonalities, etc. (especially after spending time with that person) then I don't know what I can tell you.

The sexual fixation on only one trait of a person such as skin color or just a body part is not attraction, that is a form of fetishisation. Sexual attraction involves appeal towards more than one trait such as a combination of visual along with olfaction and/or auditory cues.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

Geez, this hits a cord. I lived in Central Europe for 17 years. An area that was predominated by whites and only recently seen an influx of north Africans. Needless to say Czechs are fascinated by the newcomers. I had never given it a thought for some reason until I met a guy on line (he wrote to me) and we eventually met. I was actually quite nervous about it because I knew eventually he's want more than the coffee or dinners or movies we shared and sure enough I bit the bullet and asked him over one evening. I had such a great time. He was an incredible lover. We played around for months until I moved back to the US. Now in Atlanta I'm confronted with a different group of people. Gangsta is NOT my cup of tea. I don't like the language they use, their style of dress, etc. I have however met one guy (from the Ivory Coast now living in the US for 30 years) who did ring my bell. Intelligent, soft spoken and a pleasure to be with. We openly discussed this and he even admitted that the American black was not his cup of tea at all and one reason why he preferred dating white men.

Now for me - and this might cause a stir - I would have a problem introducing a black BF to my family. We can be friends but nothing more. My brothers would probably disown me. The gay thing was a big enough hurdle - now this?

I have found myself "intrigued" by black men and I can't figure out why. I find myself answering their ads first on line. Secretly meeting is fine and going out with friends is fine too but no family functions.

 

[rayray]

Kayman, I kept coming back to this thread because i found it interesting..I think what it comes right down to it..with the cultural differences you will have to understand there will be differences we will never understand..We are who we are. We all have our own way of thinking, our own insecurities,our own interpretations wheather it is within our own race or the color of ones skin. Some races have different shaped eyes or most Norwegians are known to mostly for having Blonde hair and pale skin. Even within the Black culture you have discrimination with Blacks who are lighter then others. We never will have all of the answers. Excuse the pun but life is not black and white. Our world is constantly evolving..The United States is a melting pot of different cultures trying to live side by side and enjoy the freedoms we have.Face it some other undeveloped countries will hang you for being gay. Some countries repress their woman.The list goes on..All that i am trying to say to you is, when the man of your dream meets you, you will know it. You never know, he might be a mix of Black, White Asian, and Spanish..In the mean time try to be happy and embrace the differences between us all

 

[hung30306guy]

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful black man for 7 1/2 years now. It sounds to me like you've just had bad luck finding a white guy who really loves you for who rather than what you are. This is no general condemnation of white men (I am one after all), but the sad fact that we all have to wade through shitty guys to find the right one.

The fact you are 26 also means you are right in the middle of the time when gay men are the most unpleasant in general. I also live in Atlanta and recall having fun in my mid-late 20's here, but it was a hassle and every single guy seemed to need lots of work to be ready for a grownup relationship. I met the love of my life when I was 28 and he 30, you're right guy will come, he might be white he might not.

 

[Scott2005]

The topic of race is always an interesting discussion; one that I've had countless times. I'll be honest, it almost always ends the same: with a simple, 'What can you do?'

Dating, in itself, is incredibly difficult. Add in the stigma of being gay and it gets all that much worse. Then add in the interracial aspect and it's close to impossible.

As some have mentioned before, it seems that the white men I've come in contact with are only interested in a 'big, chocolate daddy'. Sorry but I'm not interested in playing out anyone's mandingo warrior fantasy.

Then there are those that stick to the motto of 'White men only!' I guess in that case you can't really be mad because when you're dealing with dating, you are dealing with a set of preferences that many are unwilling to change.

Personally, I think Wendy William put it best when she said, 'We are the
world, down with the swirl!' I've always been completely open to dating any race. Just as long as the guy isn't crazy, won't beat me or cheat on me and likes Mariah Carey (lol).

But seriously, it would be cool if more people dated based on things other than superficial things such as race or sexual fetishes.

 

[kayman]

Geez, this hits a cord. I lived in Central Europe for 17 years. An area that was predominated by whites and only recently seen an influx of north Africans. Needless to say Czechs are fascinated by the newcomers. I had never given it a thought for some reason until I met a guy on line (he wrote to me) and we eventually met. I was actually quite nervous about it because I knew eventually he's want more than the coffee or dinners or movies we shared and sure enough I bit the bullet and asked him over one evening. I had such a great time. He was an incredible lover. We played around for months until I moved back to the US. Now in Atlanta I'm confronted with a different group of people. Gangsta is NOT my cup of tea. I don't like the language they use, their style of dress, etc. I have however met one guy (from the Ivory Coast now living in the US for 30 years) who did ring my bell. Intelligent, soft spoken and a pleasure to be with. We openly discussed this and he even admitted that the American black was not his cup of tea at all and one reason why he preferred dating white men.

Now for me - and this might cause a stir - I would have a problem introducing a black BF to my family. We can be friends but nothing more. My brothers would probably disown me. The gay thing was a big enough hurdle - now this?

I have found myself "intrigued" by black men and I can't figure out why. I find myself answering their ads first on line. Secretly meeting is fine and going out with friends is fine too but no family functions.

I understand some of where you are coming from, however, you also have to ask yourself, if you future partner was black, would they want to put up with being in a situation where they never is able to interact with one another's family? I know of a lot of dudes that are black and still quasi-closeted to their family but have partners and/or long-time boyfriends that haven't been around their families introduced as anything other than 'friend', and it has always been a hotbed of issues.

It just sounds like to me that you might be better off you keep it to a fantasy or fling with any black male because that wouldn't result in a healthy, long-term pairing if that was the case for most seeking such with such family dynamics on race.