An open and honest discussion about interracial same-sex pairings and relationships

kayman

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Kayman, I kept coming back to this thread because i found it interesting..I think what it comes right down to it..with the cultural differences you will have to understand there will be differences we will never understand..We are who we are. We all have our own way of thinking, our own insecurities,our own interpretations wheather it is within our own race or the color of ones skin. Some races have different shaped eyes or most Norwegians are known to mostly for having Blonde hair and pale skin. Even within the Black culture you have discrimination with Blacks who are lighter then others. We never will have all of the answers. Excuse the pun but life is not black and white. Our world is constantly evolving..The United States is a melting pot of different cultures trying to live side by side and enjoy the freedoms we have.Face it some other undeveloped countries will hang you for being gay. Some countries repress their woman.The list goes on..All that i am trying to say to you is, when the man of your dream meets you, you will know it. You never know, he might be a mix of Black, White Asian, and Spanish..In the mean time try to be happy and embrace the differences between us all :)

Thanks for the concern, but I'm already very well-versed and experienced in our respective differences and how dating goes for everyone. I was just speaking on my own personal experiences, and what I've learned is right or not right for me on interracial intimate interactions. Personally, I strive to live in a very diverse environment because I hate being in places where things are ethnically or racially 'ghettoize' or homogeneous.

I was just trying to generate an open discussion on this topic. It is much healthier to speak on what is or is not right with this particular segment of the dating and relationships. It is obvious when we tacitly do things and let it fester like topics on race in general has in the US, and we wind up reaping what is sowed on this subject with the awkward race relations as of now.
 
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kayman

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The topic of race is always an interesting discussion; one that I've had countless times. I'll be honest, it almost always ends the same: with a simple, 'What can you do?'

Dating, in itself, is incredibly difficult. Add in the stigma of being gay and it gets all that much worse. Then add in the interracial aspect and it's close to impossible.

As some have mentioned before, it seems that the white men I've come in contact with are only interested in a 'big, chocolate daddy'. Sorry but I'm not interested in playing out anyone's mandingo warrior fantasy.

Then there are those that stick to the motto of 'White men only!' I guess in that case you can't really be mad because when you're dealing with dating, you are dealing with a set of preferences that many are unwilling to change.

Personally, I think Wendy William put it best when she said, 'We are the
world, down with the swirl!' I've always been completely open to dating any race. Just as long as the guy isn't crazy, won't beat me or cheat on me and likes Mariah Carey (lol).

But seriously, it would be cool if more people dated based on things other than superficial things such as race or sexual fetishes.

Funny you mention the embolden. Whenever, I rarely log onto sites like A4A, guys with those very lines in their profile ALWAYS seem to be on my 'recent visitors' list every time. Sometimes multiple times and I wonder if you can clearly see that I am black (visually and in the description) and you have listed that you don't want a black guy, then why are you looking at my profile all the time?
 

willow78

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I'm usually reluctant to discuss my preferences because I'm sure I can come across as (unintentionally) patronizing, plus a complete lack of practical experience (a 100% percent virgin who has never raised the slightest amount of interest in anyone I've ever met in real life) so my theories are based on pure fantasy.

I am a white guy attracted to dark-skinned men. I wouldn't date a guy just because of his skin colour but the fact is, that is the first thing that would attract me to him.

Similar to what Nia88 posted earlier - skin colour will get my attention and interest, but it will take personality and compatibility to keep it.

As for my family's reaction, I think my sexuality would be more of an issue than my BF's skin-colour. But their problem is their problem - I could never give up someone I love and be miserable just to please my family.

Mind you, to be in my 30's but never have any RL interest.....I sometimes wonder if anything will ever happen to/for me.....
 

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Thanks for bringing this up, kayman. It is a topic that doesn't get enough discussion, though I've noticed in my neck of the woods interracial same-sex couples are an increasingly common occurrence. In fact, I know almost no one (my age or younger) who hasn't dated a person of another race, and it definitely comes with its own set of baggage. I think the big thing is that everyone's experience of race is both individual and collective, and so every relationship experiences it differently as well.

Anyway, blah blah blah. You asked about personal experiences, and mine has been that there's a lot of white privilege in the queer community at large around here. I've never had to read "not into white guys" on a profile online, and I've never had the impression that it was a "thing" for me to be white. Meanwhile, whenever I dated a person of colour (or a person of a non-Christian religious background), that was a thing for them. I never dated anyone of another race or religion (and some religions are seriously racialized) for whom their race or religion wasn't an issue. They were concerned how I would react (fetishizing, for example), or how their families or friends would react. For some it was a big, huge concern, for others it was really minor (one guy said his family teased him endlessly for never dating good Jewish boys) - but it was still there. Just like how the gay thing is always there for me. Sometimes it's a big thing, sometimes it's barely anything, but it's always, always there.

Frankly, I'm really happy for the interracial dating experiences I had (past tense because I'm not looking anymore). They opened my eyes to the privilege that I have by virtue of my skin colour - and not just in the queer community.
 

kayman

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Thanks for bringing this up, kayman. It is a topic that doesn't get enough discussion, though I've noticed in my neck of the woods interracial same-sex couples are an increasingly common occurrence. In fact, I know almost no one (my age or younger) who hasn't dated a person of another race, and it definitely comes with its own set of baggage. I think the big thing is that everyone's experience of race is both individual and collective, and so every relationship experiences it differently as well.

Anyway, blah blah blah. You asked about personal experiences, and mine has been that there's a lot of white privilege in the queer community at large around here. I've never had to read "not into white guys" on a profile online, and I've never had the impression that it was a "thing" for me to be white. Meanwhile, whenever I dated a person of colour (or a person of a non-Christian religious background), that was a thing for them. I never dated anyone of another race or religion (and some religions are seriously racialized) for whom their race or religion wasn't an issue. They were concerned how I would react (fetishizing, for example), or how their families or friends would react. For some it was a big, huge concern, for others it was really minor (one guy said his family teased him endlessly for never dating good Jewish boys) - but it was still there. Just like how the gay thing is always there for me. Sometimes it's a big thing, sometimes it's barely anything, but it's always, always there.

Frankly, I'm really happy for the interracial dating experiences I had (past tense because I'm not looking anymore). They opened my eyes to the privilege that I have by virtue of my skin colour - and not just in the queer community.

Thank you for your input and honesty about how white privilege plays into this equation. I feel this type of thread should have been introduced and discussed in a rational but honest manner hopefully to beacon better understand and less issues in the future as more interracial dating between same sexes occurs.
 

dude_007

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I don't really do boyfriends, but I have had sex with a few of my friends who were black. I am white. I've also fooled around with Asians, middle eastern, caucasian, latinos.....hmm I guess I'm a slut. But I'm not a racist
 

B_Sweetcar

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Glad you brought up this subject. I usually don't respond anymore to posts about black/racial and all that and I don't mention anymore that my boy friend is black. There's a lot of racial tension/misunderstanding and all that and if I mention it people respond by saying I've got some underlying racial issues I haven't dealt with.

So, if you want a frand discussion and want to hear about people's relationships, I'll tell you about mine. Let me begin by saying; "We like what we like" who cares if someone likes black guys, hispanic guys or whatever.

Ok, I'm from the New York City suburbs originally and there were very few black people in my neighborhood or schools. My family moved to Virginia in 1966, just after Virginia schools were desegregated and I was just starting high school at the time. There were a lot more black people in my new Virginia high school and there was still a lot of residual racial tension. A lot of fights between blacks and whites and in gym class, the black guys showered AFTER the white guys had finished. Being from NY and not haviing these experiences before, I never understood them.

Anyway, I went to high school and then college and only had black guys as casual friends; never knew many and just made a few black friends. When I returned home after college I started making friends in my new hometown. To keep this from getting too long, I met some black guys at a party and I got curious about them. They were from the neighborhood so we became friends. I got to know them pretty well and we became good friends. I started meeting other black people and made other black friends from their aquiantances.

AT this point, I was still unsure of my sexuality and not necessarily attracted to them sexually. That changed when I met one of their friends that was very sociable. He had a habit of leaving his pants unbuttoned and his fly open....This was a turn on and I became obsessed with trying to see his dick....

I'll continue tomorrow because it is getting late here now.
 

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I have a black friend that is gay who has opened my eyes to a lot of issues. He is mainly into white guys. First of all, I am very positively biased about him because he was my f/b for a couple of years (before he came out) but I was out of his age range so he and I dating was out of the question. He wanted to be with someone his age. Anyway, he is vgl, very masculine, hard working, smart and should have no problems meeting a nice guy. However, according to him, he has to deal with all kinds of idiots out there. I'm a little freaked out by the things he tells me regarding race. My circle of friends is very multicultural as well as multisexual so I feel like I am probably living in a protected bubble. Although Chicago is very segregated, I have only a few friends that are natives here and I think that is partially why I've avoided the majority of racial issues that my black friend has encountered. The bottom line is that I feel people are more than willing to give me a chance than they are willing to give my friend. To his credit, he really puts himself out there but it is a little discouraging to see him get shot down so often. I'd just like to see more people give him a fair shake.
 

B_Sweetcar

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Well, to continue with my discussion....On a side note, from reading these posts, my experience/perceptions are a bit different from others so the discussion is worthwhile.

As I was saying, I was making more and more black friends stemming from the original black friends I made at that party. I had 3 or 4 guys that I became good friends with and we hung out together all the time. Eventually I met the guy I was telling you about who'd hang around with his pants open. Although I was still kind of unsure about my sexuality, I was already very attracted to guys. I became good friends with this guy but he was also turning me ON because he was so casual about keeping his pants buttoned. It wasn't long before we were hanging out together and spending a lot of time together; going to the gym, going to clubs, going on weekend trips, camping out and all that.

He WAS a friend first and foremost but I became more and more interested in seeing his dick. Anyway, not to belabor the point, I eventually saw it by accident one night when we were spending the weekend at a friend's house. It turns out, he was doing what he did ON PURPOSE to turn me on! He told me he was interested in having sex and now he's been my boy friend for many years.

Now, let me say a few things about my relationships with my black friends...for the most part they have been great...loyal, loving and giving friends who accept me for who I am. In fact, I'm considered FAMILY by most of my black friends and we never consider race as a factor.

It is the absolute truth, I am considered family by at least 3 of my black friend's families and they all love me. I don't even see them as "black" and I know they don't even see me as "white". When I look at them I see friendship and love before I see anything else.
 

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It's impossible to truly be color-blind in the US; race is as much an issue here as it ever was, though nowadays few are as open with their racial animosities than they were in the past (unless they think they can "trust" you: ugh!).

There has always been a sort of "scene" involving interracial coupling. I was introduced to it in 1978 when I met my first real lover, who was black but only liked young white guys (he was about 26 when we met: I was 18+ maybe a week). It seemed as though the black-guys-who-only-date-whites and the white-guys-who-only-dated-blacks had their preferred clubs, dinner circles, etc, and it seemed as though they all knew each other very well: Boston in the 70s had a very strange racial dynamic (in many ways it still does). Though the relationship didn't work out, it was eye-opening to see how men in general responded to seeing me with a black lover, both positive and creepily negative, especially at such a young age. If nothing else, it was a genuine learning opportunity.

I have never accounted our issues and difficulties with race, nor has the fact that he was an abusive habitual liar incapable of monogamy prejudiced me toward AAs in general: I make it a personal habit not to generalize based on gender, race, or age. The fact that we were spectacularly mismatched is really much more an artifact of my youth and inexperience than anything else: he was not only beautiful and ultra-smart but had charisma to burn. It's a shame he turned out to be such a shitty person, as it should have all been splendid yet it was all so terribly not.

My criteria for FBs are very different from my criteria for BFs: the former need only have certain features (both physical and of temperament) while the latter needs all of those plus that indescribable something called chemistry overlaid with wit, charm and a fiendishly active imagination.

As I'm something of a serial monogamist, with uber-slutty intervals in between, if by some alchemy one could bring all seven of my exes into one room (especially tricky as most are now dead), it would be a mini UN; but even corralling the last 100 sex partners would reveal a preference for Latinos and white guys. The few blacks would stick out like raisins in a bagel :redface:

The reasons are actually easy to understand, provided you know me and my criteria, preferences and limits. I dislike large penises on my beaux; I demand strict submissiveness (not a trait generally associated with AAs, most of whom are not into BDSM and many of whom are actively hostile to the concept); and I prefer more malleable flesh than is common in a black physique, generally. Those who enjoy my specific brand of kink have regaled themselves with me (and I with them, obviously).

But facts are facts, and those who most closely approximate my needs tend more toward the Latino or European than black, most especially American black. It's not hate (or even prejudice), it's simply an acknowledgement of what makes me work best.

Sex is about pleasure first, right?
 

kayman

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I have a black friend that is gay who has opened my eyes to a lot of issues. He is mainly into white guys. First of all, I am very positively biased about him because he was my f/b for a couple of years (before he came out) but I was out of his age range so he and I dating was out of the question. He wanted to be with someone his age. Anyway, he is vgl, very masculine, hard working, smart and should have no problems meeting a nice guy. However, according to him, he has to deal with all kinds of idiots out there. I'm a little freaked out by the things he tells me regarding race. My circle of friends is very multicultural as well as multisexual so I feel like I am probably living in a protected bubble. Although Chicago is very segregated, I have only a few friends that are natives here and I think that is partially why I've avoided the majority of racial issues that my black friend has encountered. The bottom line is that I feel people are more than willing to give me a chance than they are willing to give my friend. To his credit, he really puts himself out there but it is a little discouraging to see him get shot down so often. I'd just like to see more people give him a fair shake.

Yeah, the reasons and experiences you mentioned that your friend had are some of the main contributing factors why so many black guys will date and exclusively have relationships with other black guys. This is even in contrary to the fact many black guys like myself wouldn't turn down a non-black guy if we were compatible, but rather avoid the issues the foolishness some people front on about race.

Although the irony is many of these same individuals have openly rejected dating black guys that in their younger days but will wind up chasing after every decent looking black guy as they get older... :confused:
 

kayman

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It's impossible to truly be color-blind in the US; race is as much an issue here as it ever was, though nowadays few are as open with their racial animosities than they were in the past (unless they think they can "trust" you: ugh!).

There has always been a sort of "scene" involving interracial coupling. I was introduced to it in 1978 when I met my first real lover, who was black but only liked young white guys (he was about 26 when we met: I was 18+ maybe a week). It seemed as though the black-guys-who-only-date-whites and the white-guys-who-only-dated-blacks had their preferred clubs, dinner circles, etc, and it seemed as though they all knew each other very well: Boston in the 70s had a very strange racial dynamic (in many ways it still does). Though the relationship didn't work out, it was eye-opening to see how men in general responded to seeing me with a black lover, both positive and creepily negative, especially at such a young age. If nothing else, it was a genuine learning opportunity.

I have never accounted our issues and difficulties with race, nor has the fact that he was an abusive habitual liar incapable of monogamy prejudiced me toward AAs in general: I make it a personal habit not to generalize based on gender, race, or age. The fact that we were spectacularly mismatched is really much more an artifact of my youth and inexperience than anything else: he was not only beautiful and ultra-smart but had charisma to burn. It's a shame he turned out to be such a shitty person, as it should have all been splendid yet it was all so terribly not.

My criteria for FBs are very different from my criteria for BFs: the former need only have certain features (both physical and of temperament) while the latter needs all of those plus that indescribable something called chemistry overlaid with wit, charm and a fiendishly active imagination.

As I'm something of a serial monogamist, with uber-slutty intervals in between, if by some alchemy one could bring all seven of my exes into one room (especially tricky as most are now dead), it would be a mini UN; but even corralling the last 100 sex partners would reveal a preference for Latinos and white guys. The few blacks would stick out like raisins in a bagel :redface:

The reasons are actually easy to understand, provided you know me and my criteria, preferences and limits. I dislike large penises on my beaux; I demand strict submissiveness (not a trait generally associated with AAs, most of whom are not into BDSM and many of whom are actively hostile to the concept); and I prefer more malleable flesh than is common in a black physique, generally. Those who enjoy my specific brand of kink have regaled themselves with me (and I with them, obviously).

But facts are facts, and those who most closely approximate my needs tend more toward the Latino or European than black, most especially American black. It's not hate (or even prejudice), it's simply an acknowledgement of what makes me work best.

Sex is about pleasure first, right?

I can understand where you are coming from your response. You have other traits that you base your criteria for attractiveness.
 

Bbucko

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I can understand where you are coming from your response. You have other traits that you base your criteria for attractiveness.

Oh yeah: skin color is near the very bottom of my criteria.

One of my favorite jokes is that I learned my French in Paris, my Spanish in bed and my German watching porn :cool:

Like most really great jokes, it's laced with a profundity of truth.
 

Scott2005

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Yeah, the reasons and experiences you mentioned that your friend had are some of the main contributing factors why so many black guys will date and exclusively have relationships with other black guys. This is even in contrary to the fact many black guys like myself wouldn't turn down a non-black guy if we were compatible, but rather avoid the issues the foolishness some people front on about race.

Although the irony is many of these same individuals have openly rejected dating black guys that in their younger days but will wind up chasing after every decent looking black guy as they get older... :confused:

I couldn't agree more. I'd like to say that race isn't an issue. But honestly, it is. Why date a guy of a different race that only sees you as a sex partner and nothing more. We've read various examples of 'I'll screw a black guy but I'd never introduce him to my friends and family'. Honestly, it's pretty shitty.

It's also something I will never put up with. If you can't date me, you can't fuck me.
 

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Interesting thread. I'm (obviously) a black man and I've found myself pretty much exclusively attracted to white guys. My only 3 bfs have all been white. I remember one brought up the fact that we were interracial when we were on a date. My response was along the lines of, "Being a gay couple, I never even thought of us as an interracial couple."

I guess for me being gay has always "trumped" (for lack of a better word) being part of an interracial couple. I guess I'm lucky that I've never run into an issue with a bf's friends or family so far.

I do, however, sometimes feel weird that I don't find black guys sexually attractive. Almost as if I'm betraying my race. But then I just realize people are born a certain way. God made me a certain way, the sooner I embrace it, the happier I'll be.
 

august86

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Uber interesting thread.
IMO interracial relationships are the most challenging relationships to be in because of the complexities involved. Things like culture, religion, discrimination/mistreatment are huge things to consider.

The newer generation has grown up in a somewhat less racially-charged society than many before them are used to, and generally find it much easier to date outside of their racial/cultural/religious comfort zone, but of course the biggest considerance and very often hinderance can be one's own family and how they will accept you dating a person outside of your own race. Never underestimate the emphasis one places on one's family's approval.

Getting used to the other person's way of doing things which is very often different from what you're used to, can also be challenging.

People's perceptions and the stares, be it from curiosity or from disgust, would also place a burden of the relationship.
Of course these vary from country to country, city to city, family to family, but it does require more temperament and tolerance than just dating within your own race.
I have friends who have found other countries (especially in Europe), to not even notice that they're in such a relationship, which was a welcomed change from what they're used to in their own country.

I think interracial relationships are beautiful and, to me, an indication of how far we have progressed in creating a culture of colour-blindedness.
I doubt I would date within my own race or even nationality, but it's not one of my major preferences, intelligence, wit, articulation and a wonderful personality would get you a second glance much easier than your outer appearance.
 

B_Over_Endowed_EMT

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I never discriminated against the women I chased after but looking back I have dated a large number of women that were of caucasian descent. Now this isnt because of some inherent racism on my part it just happened that there were more white women in my area than anything else. As I got older and my social circle grew I started to date Latin women and African American women. I find myself more attracted to "exotic ethnic" types now as I get older than I did 15 years ago.

In the few interracial relationships I did have I always experienced some difficulty with people from my partners ethnicity. I would frequently hear things like "Youre pretty cute. For a white boy." or "Youre alright. For a white boy." and so on. I think there is a stigmata that goes along with any race dating outside their own.
 

erratic

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I do, however, sometimes feel weird that I don't find black guys sexually attractive. Almost as if I'm betraying my race. But then I just realize people are born a certain way. God made me a certain way, the sooner I embrace it, the happier I'll be.

(Emphasis mine.)

I've always found that concept really interesting. I've known lots of people from racialized communities ("racialized communities", I'm told, is replacing "people of colour" in these parts as it recognizes that not all people who face racial stigma and discrimination have dark skin) who feel guilt and/or shame over mainly or exclusively dating white people - and the word "betrayal" comes up frequently. I wonder exactly what that betrayal means. Is it that you're doing a disservice to your race? Turning your back on them? Selling out? And if so, how so? (You don't have to answer - I just find it a fascinating statement.)

Also, I find an interesting corollary among some privileged white people who will secretly profess to mainly finding white people attractive that they feel guilty about not finding more people of colour attractive, while they don't see anything wrong with (for example) Korean guys only dating Korean guys.
 

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I lived next door to an interracial gay couple when I was in college. The black guy was solid and reliable, always employed, and very laid back. The white guy was silly and catty, never had anything productive to do, and never failed to say something negative about his black partner every time he was out of ear shot. They were otherwise good neighbors.