And So it really is over--

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Onslow, Apr 25, 2006.

  1. Onslow

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    Moderators--move this to a better category if need be.

    So what has been happening? I had random sex with no condoms used, I got drunk, Ray tossed me out, more sex, more booze, some drugs which I had never used before (this hash is sort of nice), I had a major blackout and lost my leg (the prosthetic one), my son Jimmy came and got me and brought me to his place, I escaped, got drunk, had more unprotected sex (I can do it now that Ray is safe from me), and so it continued and then I straightened up a little and have been staying with my son and his family. Then I screwed up again. I disappeared for a few days and I got drunk at least on a few of them and used some drugs, (I will never use cocaine again, I hated it), more random sex, a lot of oral on unknown men, a scuffle with 4 toughs in March who I could have sworn were gay--they weren't, but a few kindly folks passing by held them off of me and the cops then carted me away--where's the justice? I still had on my undershorts and my socks--even on my spare leg.

    Well, Jimmy has probably had enough although he won't say it and I got an envelope yesterday from Ray which came certified mail and a brief note and synapsis of what the sale of our place came down to. He was looking to unload it fast and I can't say I blame him since he needs to distance himself from me. There was a nice check and I figure it's enough to get out of the way for Jimmy. Maybe even get a small trailer or some other low cost place. The check also included the sale of my old Buick Skylark from the early '60s. I have lost driving priveleges and told Ray to get rid of it although it is shredding my insides.

    So, I figure I should go now. But where? Jimmy may not want me to leave but I have to get out for the sake of his kids. They deserve a decent life and Grampa coming home drunk and spacey is not a good place for them.

    Within a few weeks I may stop the drinking again, it's not too bad right now, and I have a level of control although I am developing a sex addiction--then again I've always had that. Now however I am going the dangerous way and eschewing any protection. I refuse to be bothered with a condom, it is just un-natural (please put that on my gravestone). Here too, I may see things differently in a few more days or weeks, who knows.

    Other than that I am actually happy. I have found a level of peace, the booze soothes me, and the sex reminds me that I am still able to make other men happy and they can make me happy as well--where's the down side to that?

    As to Ray, I did him wrong and there's no going back on that. He had warned me years ago, but I wouldn't listen. Maybe it wasn't really love after all.
     
  2. Lex

    Lex
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    Onlsow--I feel badly that you have encountered this downward spiral.

    I can't really say much other than please, PLEASE come to a point where you LOVE yourself enough to stop having unprotected sex and to check yourself into somewhere where you can get help and support you are asking for.

    All my best and if you want to talk (I'm serious) PM me and I will give you contact info.

    Lex
     
  3. Onslow

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    I appreciate that Lex. Jana knew something of this a while back, and for what it's worth I am sorry about my recent attacks on you. I''ll let you know if I can get back on track. In the meanwhile you stay true to yourself.
     
  4. Lex

    Lex
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    Onslow--our disagreements over education and class have NO bearing on my concern for you as a person and member who I have enjoyed posting with. I meant what I said, if you need/want to talk.
     
  5. Freddie53

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    Onslow,

    Do think about what is important to you in the long haul. For me, it would be those kids and my relationship with them.

    If I had never married, and had children, I don't know what I would be doing now. But I did and they are so precious to me.

    I understand sex addition especially at our ages. We want and need those reassurances that we can still do it and today. Yesterday's sex encounter was yesterday. We want to know about TODAY.

    Alcoholism is a difficuilt situation to deal with. I have it in my family. I know.

    I do care. If I can help, let me know. I'll be glad to listen through pms or e-mails. I'll be glad to offer any help I can.

    I understand more than you realize. Count me as a person who cares.

    Freddie
     
  6. DC_DEEP

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    Onslow, Lex and Freddie have said it better than I could, but the sentiment is there. We care, and we are trying to convince you to care.

    Put a chunk of that check into certificates of deposit, check yourself in some place where you can get some good treatment, and learn to care about yourself (first) and your children and grandchildren.

    Those of us who have been members of LPSG for more than a year have reason not to trust and care about the other members; yet here we are, caring about what happens to you. What does that tell you? We want you with us for a while longer, and I'm sure your progeny do, also.
     
  7. D_Elijah_MorganWood

    D_Elijah_MorganWood New Member

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    Sounds like you're having a turn around my old Monopoly board. I'm clean and sober coming up on 11 years. It's not how much you drink or how often you drink, it's what happens when you drink. Drinking, drugs and sex...sounds like my story too. You may want to check out your nearest AA meeting. They have gay ones too. You can usually get the schedule online.

    I'm sorry to hear about your recent adventures. You don't have to do it anymore if you don't want to.
     
  8. Onslow

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    Another day another dollar or some such strangeness. I made it home again some point early yesterday. Jimmy managed to get me into an aa meeting late yesterday although I was only half there, I hate those people for what they have and their idiotic smiles and happy lives. Some fool tried dragging me off afterwards but mercifully Jimmy was outside waiting for me. The last thing I need is coffee and cheery crappy talk so more peole can remind me of the waste I have become. I can look at the pictures of the grandchildren and know that. Great legacy I'm leaving them. A one legged faggot who cant even stay sober.

    It'll be 24 hours if I surrvive another 20 minutes.

    As to sobriety, I tried it, it tried me, I screwed up. I am essentially a screwup there's no two ways about it but maybe I'll start to figure it out this time. who knows. For right now, I just want to get out of here, and I mean from me, not just my surroundings. Jimmy said we will discuss this after I have sobered up a little. He sent the kids off to their cousins for the next 2 days, didn't even have them come back here from school yesterday so I guess the handwriting is on the wall for me. Then agian maybe he just wants to give me time to get some of this stuff out of my system. Maybe this maybe that. Maybe I'll someday stop being stupid or for the best of the world I'll just stop being. No, I'm not looking to kill myself that way, I clearly have opted for the slow hellish way.


    Christ I'm feeling sorry for myself again this has got to stop.

    My thanks to all for the concern, if you do the prayer thing just get one out there for my son and his family they need it and deserve it more than I ever will.
    As for me once more I am sure I will regret my posting but maybe seeing this in print a day or even more from now will help slap me back to some level of reality.

    11 years Sorcerer? I can't even figure that out.
     
  9. dolf250

    dolf250 New Member

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    I hate being blunt (particularly when I have not really had any conversations with you in the past.) I have been here for quite awhile and have read much of what you have put on the board without commenting. This time I feel compelled to reply to your last post. You need to check yourself into a residential treatment program. An hour a day in a group is not going to help you. You need the one on one counselling with a qualified person who has been where you are; and you need it 24 hours a day to find a place where you can live with yourself sober. Almost anybody will be able to tell you that your addiction is not the cause of your unhappiness, but rather a symptom. I can almost guarantee that you have many other issues that you need to address and face to break your habits. Some people can do it with an hour a week; most cannot.

    I have fortunately not had the problems with drugs and alcohol- but I have had family members, friends and acquaintances who have wrestled with these issues. Some got help, some did not. Some go better, some got better only to return to their lives of addiction and some never got out in the first place. Of them some are happy and living, some are emotionally dead and a few are dead (more than one from their own hand.) As someone who knows you only from this board I will only say that the very limited support and advice that we can give you on this board will not be enough. Please get some real help.

    As for saying that your tried sobriety, it tried you and you screwed up I will only say that I do not know a single person who got it “right” their first time, or even their second time. I know one girl who is giving it a shot for probably the 25th time since I have known her (under 7 years.) Each time she does not just fall for a day- it is months until she hits bottom again.

    I will say it again- it is difficult and you will HATE your first couple of weeks, but opt for the live in treatment program. I can tell that a large part of what is eating you is what you are doing to your family, but do not seek help if it is just for their sakes- it never works. Do it if you honestly mean it when you say that “THIS HAS GOT TO STOP.” Do it if you mean those words and are not just putting them out there for us to read.
     
  10. chicagosam

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    Most of what you read on this site is . . . well . . . what it is. I never expected to see what your wrote, Onslow, and what great personal pain you are in. My heart goes out to you. That is why I am repsonding.

    Let me also offer my hopes that you will seek professional help, and also offer my best wishes for your recovery, your return to being whole as a person, and that you will find the ability to love yourself and accept the love that is being offered to you. Every human is worthy of love and life. I know it t is difficult to pull yourself out of the seemingly bottomless abyss that you are in, but somewhere you will find that last ounce of courage to do it. You had the courage to do write to this site about what is going on with you and acknowledge the problem. That is a wonderful first step and I admire you for it. However, no one here is qualified to help you with this—you really need to seek professional help, but there are many, it seems, that can and will be of great comfort and support to you as you go through your ordeal. You must feel secure enough at this site to share the difficulties of your life. You have had some great reponses from some men up above that have impressed me with their kindness toward you, and their offer to be an available and non-judgemental ear for you. You've been handed a gift from them. Take the gift and then find the courage to heal yourself, Friend. Seek the help you need.

    You are in my thoughts. I can only hope for you like the rest, and I will hope for nothing but the best for you. I send you strength and courage.
     
  11. headbang8

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    Onslow,

    Blunt words
    • You're sick. There's no shame in that.
    • You're sick. It's not your fault.
    • Don't try to cure yourself through an act of will. That hasn't worked. What makes you think you can make willpower work, someday, somehow...?
    • You can't do it alone. It's like trying to be your own doctor.
    • Rehab. Forcible, irreversible.
    • Your revulsion at "coffee and cheery crappy talk" is part of the sickness. That innocent cheery crappy talk (among other small, everyday stuff) is how normal people get joy out of life. You need to learn, or relearn that. That's a well documented aspect of the disease of addiction.
    • Rehab is going to force you to learn that innocent joy again. If you fight it, because you think you're too smart and cynical for its simplicity; too pained and desperate, too worthless and vile to deserve such pleasure, you will fail.
    • You need to re-learn the sheer pleasure of living. Maybe after that, you won't need the grandiose, artificial pleasure of alcohol or drugs. Or the constant reassurance of a new sexual partner.
    • You'll get plenty of coffee and cheery, crappy talk in rehab. Swallow your pride and learn to love it. It's normal.
    Augusten Burroughs writes about rehab in his memoir, Dry. He describes the reaction of a new arrival to the first exercise: hug a teddy bear. The patient, a high-powered executive type, is outraged. Hug a teddy bear? I've paid tens of thousands of dollars, and you tell me to hug a teddy bear? I want action! I want treatment! The question was, did he actually know how to hug? The answer was no. That was the first step. Don't sneer at it.

    Stop trying to control your disease. Abandon it. Not cold turkey--that seldom works. Do it in a considered structured environment, with lots of support from people who have been there and know what it's like to heal.

    Like many of your fellow LPSG members, I am really eager to help. Feel free to PM me.

    HB8
     
  12. Onslow

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    Slightly more lucid today


    My thanks to all of you.

    Jimmy is working on gettin me into a place which is downstate so wwhp knows. He;s wrangling and wangling with his insurance company and using loopholes its weird, he spent a few years working in the insurance business so he has the inside track on what to do and who to contact. Cant say I undestand a lot of it.

    I sent a message to someone here (a few minutes ago and I cannot remember to who) commenting on the matter of hearing the other day of a 60 year old getting sober so I figure maybe there is some hope. Killed off my I'm too old arguement. I will possibly be here over the next days or not. It occurs to me maybe I should not be on the computer so much since I start looking at the sex sites and then I get into the bad places. Well it will be whatever and that is that.


    Not thrilled by the idea of a lock up place but I've been in worse places and survived so what's another few months of life off the streets and I sure as hell have nothing to lose in trying it out.



    Thats all folks. Stop thinking about it, I lost a leg and a testacle to this mess I'm too dammed vindictive to lose my life on it. (Just hope that God person is listening to me)
     
  13. headbang8

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    Onslow, congratulations. Sounds like you've acknowledged to yourself that you reached rock bottom. That's a necessary part of a cure. Admitting that your life is out of control.

    You lost a leg and a testicle to the disease and now you're going to cure it. Or, rather, I suspect "this God person" will cure it. I've done my fair share of twelve-stepping, and though I'm an atheist, I find the notion that I'm not responsible for absolutely everything that happens around me very useful. And very comforting. The disease is responsible. And if you fix the symptoms, by hook or by crook, by locking yourslf up, or by just getting through one day at a time symptom-free, you'll make it.

    Does "this God person" have a calling for you? A reason for this 60 year-old guy to change? Maybe to be sure that by the time you kick the bucket, there's one fewer wretched, restless, disquieted souls knocking on His door. Die happy: is there a better ambition?
     
  14. Onslow

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    One more long weekend and I am off to treatment. Jimmy managed to get me in a place and it should be a regular laugh a minute for me--or maybe just for them. Much better today and half of me wants to abandon the whole idea of rehab and the aftercare which I have been informed may include some aftercare madness. I am scheduled for a Monday check-in at some place in Schenectady so lets see how this goes. He told me the name and I forgot it twice already I was even put on the phone with a man there who asked a truckload of questions. Theres annoying talk about halfway houses which seems strange since I thought that was only related to jails and things.

    In the meanwhile, I am going to sign off and put the computer in hibernation so I can avoid the temptation it seems to bring when the naked gentlemen start appearing on the screen which seems to be an another addiction I may have to address. Just stay inside for a few days with the television remote and the grandkids and of course their parents. They seem to still like me which is irritating considering the mess I've made of their house.


    Be good all of you and once more my thanks and appreciiation to all and apologies for recent behavior which although I cannot recall it, may have been bad.
    I want to say more but my mind is still fuzzy a week since my last fiasco so I had better shut up.
     
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