Annoyed Or Annoying?

[hornyt2k5]

Hello ladies of LPSG. I’m finding myself in something of an odd situation and was hoping I could get some advice/perspective on.

I’ve known Alice for about 6 years now. We met as coworkers at a coffee shop and quickly became nerd friends (video games, books, dr. Who, etc). We were both in relationships at the time so we kept our flirting as innocent as possible, but through conversations it turned out we’re both into BDSM. Alice is actually the first real-world person I ever admitted being submissive to. She was interested, but as neither of us was free to act, it mostly became an in joke, with me responding “yes Miss” to her “commands” at work.

Fast forward a few years and we’re both currently single, but she has moved down to Boston (about 3 hours away). We’ve kept in touch and hung out a few times, but still nothing serious. About a month ago she asked me to buy her a vibrator, as she doesn’t own a good one. I started doing research and we had a few back and forths on the subject. We’d landed on a much nicer one (funfactory for anyone curious), but that was going to take me a minute to save up for. This last weekend she said she was feeling needy, so I popped on amazon and bought her two cheapys: a long bullet, and a short wand. She was excited that they’d be coming in and told me to expect some “proof of receipt *wink wink*”.

The package arrived Sunday. I’d told her it should be there but she waited all day to check. After that I waited. And waited. And waited. She does have a 7 year old son, so I knew it might be a little bit before she could actually put them to use. She’d said she would give them a test run Sunday night/Monday day. I’ve been hearing crickets. I’ve tried to engage her in conversation, only to be brushed off. I’m trying not to be a gross, over-expectant piggy, but....I can’t help but feel a little betrayed. I’m not asking for videos of the toys in action, but a simple “good boy!” wouldn’t be out of place. She hasn’t even actually said “thank you” yet. I know we have a power dynamic that makes big shows on her part not necessary, but I’m still just hurt. More and more I’m feeling like it’s time to just give up on Alice and stop pining for a woman who appears to not really care about me much/at all. I’m not sure how to proceed or even if my feelings are valid, or if I've misread things and should just not think about it too much. Any thoughts/questions/discussion would be helpful, I’m kinda lost.

(Thanks for reading, sorry if the formatting is a little wonky, I’m writing this on mobile)

 

[AlteredEgo]

If long silences aren't new, why are you freaking out? It can be hard to establish new boundaries in an old relationship. I don't want long silences. I have always made it clear the first time someone gives me one that I assumed we were never speaking again, and that in the future, my overtures merit acknowledgement. "Hey. Swamped. Talk soon." Or, "Yo. Stressed. Anti-social. Radio silence until. " I'm worth that consideration. We teach people how to love us. The middle of a silence is not the time to ask questions or draw boundaries. You have to do that while you're talking. She may decide your boundaries are not for her.

A boundary for me. Don't be transactional with me and expect to get what you want. If you do something for me, you do it because you want to. You don't hold out specific actions you want in return. Friendship is largely about generalized reciprocity. I'll return the favor my way in my time. She may not even realize she didn't thank you. A single parent is busy.

 

[Enid]

My gut feeling is that she needs to take this level of sexual flirting at her pace. Maybe she was into it initially but something put her off? She might need a breather.

 

[693987]

I don't think there's anything wrong with expecting/desiring someone to follow through with something they said that they would do. Having said that, until any kind of "formal" relationship is established, I tend to keep my expectations of what people will do for me pretty dang low. My suggestion is based off the assumption you're not committing the generally accepted faux pas of blowing up someone's phone/being needy... so long as you're not doing those, a simple text along the lines of "Hey, I just want to make sure you got your parcel(s) from Amazon. If not, then I can follow up with them" seems completely reasonable.

If she just isn't into you, then that's crappy for anyone to string a person along. Asking for clarification of where you two stand with each other, in a non-demanding way is pretty reasonable from my perspective too. And by non-demanding (not that your post comes across as demanding, I'm just covering bases here) I mean no expectation that you bought her something or are friends with her, so you expect a relationship or favors of any sort.

Over the years I've had a few people who liked to buy me things. Some were when I was doing cam work, so I consider that a bit different, but the longest running friend who likes to buy me stuff? I always make sure I let them know when I've received something as a matter of courtesy. I also tell them thank you, but we don't have any kind of a D/s dynamic. It was established long ago that there's zero expectation of reciprocity and they know I'm in a monogamous relationship. Best conclusion I can come to is they just get satisfaction out of doing nice things now and then for someone with their disposable income.

 

[LaFemme]

There is no way to know what she’s feeling. I couldn’t even hazard a guess - I’m not into bd/sm and I would never expect anyone to buy me toys.

The only control you have is over yourself. She’s not sharing her thoughts, and you can tell yourself as many stories as you like about her reasoning, but they’re just stories. Either text her and see what’s up or don’t and let the whole thing go. Just because you have some sexual interests in common doesn’t mean she’s the right person anyway.

 

[AlteredEgo]

If long silences are abnormal between you, I think a text or call after a day and a half, just checking for signs of life, is reasonable.

But. Are you saying she already told you not to text a thousand times a day? And were you kinda doing that?

 

[TinyPrincess]

Let her breathe...

If she returns, fine. If not, you know why.

 

[MickeyLee]

Dude, if it ain't happened by now it ain't going to happen.

Meet a local woman you have something in common with.

 

[nailz]

Long silences aren't abnormal, sometimes we end up drifting off for a week or so. It's been known to happen. I like to think I've avoided the texting a thousand times a day thing, but that can be hard to self-judge. I try not to spam, and usually if I've sent the last two messages with no response, I'll just go dark and wait for her to come back around, which is sometimes a while.

Your whole relationship sounds so one-sided
If you're truly interested in someone you don't leave their messages unread and ghost them for a week. It takes a moment to write "Sorry I'm a little busy, I'll reply later ". I ghost acquaintances, not friends, and certainly not people who are relationship material.

Have you considered that she may simply be open about her sexuality and not interested in a relationship with you? I talk candidly about sex with guys and now and then and I'm known to give silly sex-themed gifts, but it doesn't mean I want to date them.

 

[hornyt2k5]

Yeah. The more that I re-read everything here and think about things, the more I see problems. Either I’ve massively overestimated her interest in me, or she just really doesn’t care about me at all. I’m going to see if she says anything in the next week or so and then maybe just block her and give up. I’ve been carrying this torch for so long I don’t really know what to do with it anymore.

 

[hornyt2k5]

Thanks for the replies, just "talking" it out a little is helping. To clarify, she did let me know that the package has arrived and that nothing was broken. She also said she fired up the wand and it worked, but didn't go into any more details than that.

I guess part of me was hoping that this would help open the door to us playing a little more. She and I have never had a chance to actually do anything, there's always been other people/distance to contend with, but we're both currently single, and while I know we're never going to be happily ever after, I had hoped that this explicit show of interest/intent might spark a little fun. Maybe I've misconstrued the foundation of the relationship, but it always seemed (and i'm sure its been drunkenly said) that if we got a good chance, we'd at least try to fool around a little. But this morning at 9:40 I sent her a hello text, and have heard literally nothing since. I'm trying not to be obnoxious and text her a thousand times a day (that's currently the last thing sent), but...after I just did something nice, don't I at least merit a "hi" back? or is that quid-pro-quo thinking that makes me a jerk? If I wait for her to respond and she never does, doesn't that just make me some idiot chump? My anxiety is getting the better of me and I realize I'm obsessing a little, but I just don't understand where I stand in this situation. I also realize I'm only posting my half of things, so any questions anyone's got would be more than welcome.

 

[hornyt2k5]

If long silences are abnormal between you, I think a text or call after a day and a half, just checking for signs of life, is reasonable.

But. Are you saying she already told you not to text a thousand times a day? And were you kinda doing that?

Long silences aren't abnormal, sometimes we end up drifting off for a week or so. It's been known to happen. I like to think I've avoided the texting a thousand times a day thing, but that can be hard to self-judge. I try not to spam, and usually if I've sent the last two messages with no response, I'll just go dark and wait for her to come back around, which is sometimes a while.