Another friendship thread......

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by ConstantComment, May 1, 2010.

  1. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    A situation has recently arisen that has me contemplating how does one avoid such situations This has to do with a now ex friend, G. G and I were friends, or so I thought for a couple of years. I broke off the relationship in 2007 due to three issues.

    1. The biggest one is that she stiffed me over a concert ticket. Despite having agreed to go with me and knowing that I had already bought the ticket, she later told me that since she was spending so much money on going out she decided not to go with me after all. So I stuck not only with two concert tickets and no companion but also the cost GBP90 in total.

    2. Just the year before she and I spent a week in the south of France. This occurred because she originally planned to go with another woman but that person, while having backed out of the trip did pay her portion of the accomodations. So I agreed to go. The day we were due to leave the owner arranged to come at noon to check us out. After I had cleaned my part of the cottage, I sat down around 11:50 to have lunch, that is to eat the leftovers that we had already paid. I offered some to G who then got in my face, so to speak and like a child in grade school said "I'm not going to eat because I'm going to be ready for when the owner comes."

    The irony here is that owner was 20 minutes late himself and I don't recall her telling him off for his tardiness.

    3. The third reason that I put this relationship to rest is that after several months of getting "I really busy, can I call you back in a couple of weeks" I had to come to terms with the fact that this relationship isn't working for me.

    The reason why I am thinking about it now is that we have friends in common. I saw something that I thought may have been of interest to her so I e-mailed it to a friend in common. I guess we all have an urge to help sometimes.

    So the friend in common e-mailed me back suggesting that I get in tocuh with , "reach out to her" as things aren't going well for her.

    That unnerved me a bit for the reasons above (that I ended the friendship) but then I thought maybe the friend in common thought that I wanted to restart the friendship.

    I'm troubled for two reasons:

    1. I have trouble believing that someone can bale on anyone like the above without having serious (underlying) contempt for someone. It's really hard for me to believe that anyone could have a good reason for doing so.

    2. That incident in the cottage was rude as well and suggests to me that she saw me as less than a friend and more as some "hired hand"

    Do any of you have ways of avoiding such scnearios?
     
  2. B_Mademoiselle Rouge

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    She sounds flakey, another one of those "Hey call me sometime" but then when you call them they wont talk to you. So you plan big events because you dont have time for the small day to day events......she gets obviously more flaky when you guys need to work together to make something work.

    More than anything, i especially, hate being talked to like a child. I dont like people to look at me like im an idiot when i ask a question that needs to be asked. You were just trying to be polite to her and do your part....who the hell knows what was in her head.

    Does she have a family, if so, do you see her treating them like this?
     
  3. Keleios

    Keleios New Member

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    Yes.
    Stop wearing a facade of niceness when you're seething underneath it.
    If someone does something that pisses you off, tell them "You've pissed me off and here's why..."
    If you had good reason for being pissed off and they value your friendship, chances are that they won't do whatever they did again. If they carry on doing it, tell them to fuck off and stay fucked off.

    I know and understand that it's hard when someone whom you consider to be a friend does annoying shit but it's a lesson thing. If I stick my finger in a bee and get stung, I'll learn not to stick my finger in a bee because getting stung hurts like hell. Therefore, if someone does something genuinely annoying, tell them. Then they learn not to do it again; either because you made them understand that it was annoying or they learn that continuance of the annoyingness will result in having one less friend.

    We value kindness and being nice, patience is a virtue and tolerance is a wonderful thing but when you martyr yourself to posses those qualities, it's self defeating and you end up suffering for it whilst the people you tried to please tread all over you in the shoes you probably brought for them.

    The alternative to standing up for yourself is being really difficult to annoy but some people find that in itself annoying so they deliberately try to annoy you to find out what happens when you're annoyed. Think of it as a game and it becomes fun!

    This post is wholeheartedly dedicated to the person who cared enough to aim nearly all of the above in my direction apart from the last bit and the bit about bees.
     
  4. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    Thanks for responding and helping me to explore various areas of friendships. The friend in common called me Thursday this week asking if I wanted to join them to see a play Friday afternoon. I declined but I am finding this new effort rather interesting. The FIC (Friend in Common) knows exactly why I dropped her.

    At the same time I am enjoying hearing the news that G is lonely and so on.

    ****Does she have a family, if so, do you see her treating them like this? ****
    She does have family --a father, a sister who is married with children. Her mother died when she was young. At one time FIC and I were discussing the terrible relationships we had with our respective mothers and she complained that well, at least we had one. We had to set her that there was no comparison here.

    She also turned 40 in 2007 and had confided in FIC that she was depressed that she was 40 and still never married. She is also the type of person who constantly wants to do something elaborate for her birthday (hence the trip to France in 2006 even though it was meant to be with someone else and a few other efforts that I recall over the years.)

    One thought that has crossed my mind as I feel as I was in similar friedship triangle years before. G may be (have been) jealous of the friendships FIC has with me and possibly other people. She never told me about her still singles blues.
     
  5. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Easy dont make plans with her if you cant rely on her

    However since your FIC has told you she may be depressed, and you think she may have some underlying jealousy issues that comment up there is slightly disturbing.
     
  6. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I've done nothing to bring on any of her problems. Nor have I attempted to. It's not even clear to me if FIC just wants to bring us together and thought a hard luck story might draw me in.

    The reason why this issue has come to the fore in the past week is because I found something on the internet that could be of interest to G (she's been writing plays and producing them in small venues; I saw that a meetup group organises groups to attend plays in non West End (ie Broadway) theatres and I sent it FIC to pass it on to her as potential outlet to advertise her productions. No, it was no skin off my back to do it so I'm not expecting someone to kiss my ass for it. but it was potentially to her advantage to follow through on.

    I don't think I deserved the treatment from G and for 2 people to act as if being left high and dry for GBP90 (I don't go to rock concerts alone -- and I also shouldn't have to tell someone that) is perfectly acceptable is difficult for me to grasp. To have whatever feelings for this person, even the ones mentioned above, is what you're left with.

    And tell me, Mr. Lee, you only and always have the best and highest hopes for everyone who has doublecrossed you.
     
    #6 ConstantComment, May 2, 2010
    Last edited: May 2, 2010
  7. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Thats doesn't matter. If she is a friend you should be looking to help her. And if you aren't looking to help her then you shouldn't be friends.
     
  8. ConstantComment

    ConstantComment New Member

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    I am not friends with G. Where did you get that idea from?

    We have a Friend in Common whom I refer to as FIC here. I raise the questions here at this moment because I am annoyed that FIC is trying to bring us together as if what G did to me was " so bad."

    And in case, I missed writing it or you missed reading it, I have told FIC those three things that I mentioned in my first post in this thread.

    And these are the questions that I would like to explore in this thread (I copy and post from the post above):

    1. I have trouble believing that someone can bale on anyone like the above without having serious (underlying) contempt for someone. It's really hard for me to believe that anyone could have a good reason for doing so.

    2. That incident in the cottage was rude as well and suggests to me that she saw me as less than a friend and more as some "hired hand"
     
    #8 ConstantComment, May 2, 2010
    Last edited: May 2, 2010
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