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Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by mywenis, Aug 30, 2011.
When it comes to relationships can you be straight but with sex be bi?
I think so as well. However, I'm wondering if this is ultimately an issue of being unable or unwilling to merge intimacy and sex into one act. I think psychologists call this "splitting". If that is the case, it could certainly lead to preference for same sex encounters while preferring opposite sex intimacy.
I don't understand the question; bi guys enjoy both. If you're straight you only enjoy opposite-gender sex. If you're bi, you like sex with them both.
What is intimacy if not sexual?
I wonder if he was meaning that he wants gay sex but without the intimacy, which is reserved for the opposite sex. I guess that would mean liking the physical act with same sex but the cardiac emotions and relationship aspects with the opposite gender. I'm kinda that way myself. Never really understood it. I'm trying to get better at it though.
Well it all depends on your POV. There are people who have very intimate emotional relationships that are not sexual. Personally I don't do very well being sexual without emotional intimacy also, but there are a lot of people who can have sex without caring about the other person at all. In fact it's pretty common these days.
You can, but I would say it isn't the prettiest personality trait, no offense poultrygeist. I say this just because I can't help but wonder why one gender is okay to have a relationship with and have sex with, but the other is only okay for sex. Frankly if I were in the sex only gender of said person I'd probably be a little insulted. I'm going to armchair psychology here for a sec unfortunately but I would guess (I am guessing!) that a lot of the people who are like this are trying to still conform to social pressure or are dealing personal issues/concepts about the sex only sexuality. "It's okay if I fuck this guy, it's just sex, I only love women." Like I said, armchair psychology. *shrug*
I would laughingly, and totally - satirically say that would be trysexual.
.....They'll try it with any sex. ;> But wouldn't it just simply be opportunistic, rather? Many people would see folly and not feel true to their nature if say; they did not fulfill their particular needs with physical goods, money, etc. Other people, do not see why they should limit themselves to being limited in sexual preference. *shrugs* Apples to Oranges, perhaps - but as it's said, "Same difference".
I have a number of male friends who are bisexual, but could only fall in love with another man. And I've seen a number of profiles online from bisexual men who said they only wanted relationships with a woman. So, without question it's possible!
As for the other comments above... Emotions, Intimacy, Sexuality... These things are all very personal and if you ask ten people for their viewpoint, you'll get a dozen answers. What it comes down to is that you CANNOT create an end-all definition for these things about what is and what is not appropriate... What must come with what-else... Everyone feels differently. And that? That's O.K..
Certainly no offense taken in the least, Pendlum. I agree about the issue of someone feeling offended or insulted that they are wanted physically but not in a relationship way. Actually, this has been the biggest reason that I have not been with another guy in over a decade. I just can't stand the thought of sex only without any kind of closeness -- even if I'm the one who doesn't feel close. What's troubling is that I deeply wish that I felt a natural closeness with guys more than I do girls. I doubt people hear this very often out loud, but I'm a bi guy who wishes that he was more gay so that the intimacy issues weren't a barrier.
I would support a definition such as this, and wish someone would come up with a term for it soon.
glad to see I'm not the only person that feels this way. I have an extremely hard time being in a sexual relationship without some sort of love or strong feelings for my partner. When I do one night stand deals, I often have this sort of guilt/shame that takes over for awhile. I don't know where that comes from...prehaps because I was raised in the deep south going to church at every opportunity.
In that scenario, though, he'd be bisexual due to his contact with men. There's a medical/sociological term for this which is MSM. It's used as a completely judgment-neutral way to discuss sexual activities between men and does not infer any specific emotional attachment (or lack thereof).
I really can get on board with this designation. I think too many guys split hairs and over-qualify their sexual expression; I also think that far too many guys reject the whole bi/gay label because they internalize the social stigma associated with being a sexual minority. Stereotyping labels to specific behaviors and mannerisms sure doesn't help, either.
I also get the disconnect between emotional bonding and feeling horny. More on that below:
I think I overstated my feelings on the connection between sexual expression and intimacy (which isn't exactly a razor-specific noun, IMO), so I'll take a second and elaborate on what I meant in my first post regarding equating the two:
1) I agree completely that one can have intensely meaningful and deeply intimate relationships that have no sexual component whatsoever. I currently enjoy just such a bond with at least three people whom I can think of off the top of my head. There really should be a better word than friend for such relationships;
2) When I was still in my late teens, I recognized a concept I called casual intimacy, which I applied to many, though hardly the entirety, of my sexual contacts. Casual intimacy involves the chemistry that seems to evolve quickly with someone one's having an otherwise emotionally unattached encounter with. It doesn't involve anything other than the time you share, be it a few hours or a series of encounters spread over weeks or months. It's a bonding that allows trust to open enough at least to explore intense physical sensations and the resulting, inevitable emotions such sensations impart.
Kissing during sex is an excellent illustration of this concept. It can be a strictly sexual thing: "I love the way this feels". It can be a casually intimate thing: "I love the way you make me feel and the way you have let me into your head and not just your ass". Obviously it can also be a deeply intimate thing, too: "I love you and our lovemaking is yet another demonstration of this";
3) I have always appreciated a good sportfuck, and have never required any degree of emotional bonding to get a nut off. But I also expect (no: require) that my partner be on the same page as me in this regard. That lesson was learned just once, when I was 20 and assumed that an FB felt as casually intimate with me as I did with him; the chemistry and sex were superb, but he was completely unsuited to my tastes and requirements for a real BF to take it any further. The problem arose when I rejected his overt expressions of love for me and I attempted to pull away. He reacted poorly and beat me up, pretty badly: so much for his "love" :wink:
For myself, I only have sex with women when I'm in a three or foursome. I've never had sex one-on-one with a woman alone. I enjoy the sex I've had with women - even if the man isn't participating. Yet, I'm not interested in having a relationship with a woman. Having sex with women doesn't make me straight, but I'm not really bi-sexual. So what am I?
I've had relationships with 3 bi-sexual men - each of whom could form relationships with men or women. They enjoyed sex with men or women. I'm comfortable with those men, more so than men who identify as being completely straight.
I guess I don't really know where I fit in exactly, either. Then, again, it doesn't really bother me. I don't really need a label. I fall in love with men, but am really comfortable playing with women. Maybe I don't fit anywhere, but I'm sure I'm not alone.
I don't think that being "gay" means that a guy can be more open emotionally to other men. I think it has to do with mutual attraction and the desire to be close to the other person. I don't think that can be forced. I can't force myself to fall in love with someone. It has to happen in a natural way. Also in my case it's hard for me to truly make love with another person, if I don't feel some love for them. I guess I could go through the motions, but what's the point? Feeling some deeper emotion and caring for a partner is something that develops over time. I really don't feel it's any different that falling for a woman. Anyway that's been my experience so far.