Another sexless. Help from the ladies

Discussion in 'Women's Issues' started by amendmentx, Jan 29, 2010.

  1. amendmentx

    amendmentx Member

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    So read a few of these and have a bit of a different situation.

    I've been seeing this girl for a few months and she says she was a virgin when we met. Not sure if i believe it but who knows. Anyhow we had sex about a month ago and since then have had very little sex.

    She says she has to be drunk to do it because when we do it sober she says she can't relax. I've tried lots of forplay and kissing etc. but still she doesn't even want to try anymore. Its gotten to the point where i'll finger her and she loves it and go down on her but won't do anything for me (never really has, doesn't give blow jobs, and never touches me as she says penis are weird). This is all very new and weird to me. I really like this girl but sex is very important and I feel very neglected as I'm left with blue balls almost everytime we are together.

    For the last two times she slept over I never even tried to do anything. No kissing etc. Didn't do anything for her just cuddled and fell asleep. What can I do to give her the hint. Have talked to her about and she says she doesn't want to/like to. I mean I want her to like it but I feel like she doesn't like me if she has to be drunk every time. Also did I make a bad move by not trying anything the last two times?

    Thanks for reading my long post.
     
  2. AlteredEgo

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    It's all very new and weird to her. She likes what she likes, and doesn't like what she doesn't like. Remind her that good sex involves mutuality, and taking pleasure from the gift of pleasure. She says she cannot relax (which means she probably does not orgasm) and that can be terrible. Maybe she can't relax because it is new, and maybe she can't relax because of something that she was told or experienced in her past. Maybe it's something yuy can work through together. If after talking it out, her level of interest in sex (she doesn't sound particularly interested in receiving either) seems doomed to never improve, I guess you have to reevaluate what you can and cannot do without.

    by the way: Why would you deal with someone if you believe them to be lying about their sexual history? in this day and age, it's a dangerous thing to lie about.
     
  3. D_Polyxena Pasties

    D_Polyxena Pasties New Member

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    I agree with most of what the above commenter said. but i'd like to add that *I* think you're wrong about her lying about having sex before. What it souds like to me is, her first sexual experiances with you weren't all that great or what she expected.

    since you're a guy, you almost automatically get pleasure everytime you have sex, woman do not in most cases. The first few times you have sex for a girl it.will.hurt...

    So lets break this down, painful, no pleasure.... yeah, it doesn't sound all that awesome does it? I'd want to be drunk too.

    and this statement;
    "never really has, doesn't give blow jobs, and never touches me as she says penis are weird"

    This concerns me a bit.... How old are you, and more important how old is SHE?

    This statment reminds me of something a YOUNG girl would say, if that's the case, then stop trying to piush her!!

    EVERYTHING you said makes me think she was a virgin, infact, I feel bad she wasted it on some jerk who doesn't trust her.


    JMO ;]
     
  4. Not_Punny

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    Sounds to me like she has trauma or a lot of religion in her background.

    The only advice I have to offer is this: Be very kind to her. Give it another month and be very slow and reassuring. Look at this as an opportunity to help another human being (as opposed to an opportunity for you to get laid).
     
  5. D_Polyxena Pasties

    D_Polyxena Pasties New Member

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    This.
     
  6. Wish-4-8

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    Great advice above from the ladies. But here is another option.
    How much do you like this girl? I mean, really. Are you two just better off as friends? You could still do stuff; go to the movies, museums, events, etc. Its good to have a female friend.

    Or else you are going to want something out of her that you just are not going to get. You will be waiting, and waiting, and waiting, for something to change. And because I believe you are a gentleman, and not just trying to get laid, you will wait. Frustrated as hell, but you will do it.

    You will want her to change at some point. And that is wrong. She is who she is. And you will have to accept her if she opens up or not. She might turn out to be a sex freak. But you will never know. She may turn out to be fun 5 years from now. Or never.

    So back to my question. How much do you really like this girl. Is it worth the wait? Because if you decide to wait and she turns out less to your liking, DO NOT resent her for being who she is. That is wrong. You have the choice right now if you want to invest yourself in this situation.

    I dont tell people what to do. I just ask them questions so they can come up with thier own answers.

    So, how much do you like this girl?
     
    #6 Wish-4-8, Jan 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2010
  7. molotovmuffin

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    That's rather harsh... and shame on you.
     
  8. D_Polyxena Pasties

    D_Polyxena Pasties New Member

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    It may be harsh, but so were his words. He doesn't seem to care much about her... just getting laid. She gave her virginity, she waited.. So I'm sure she has feeling for him. To most woman, that's sacred... a big deal... something is wrong here. That's my honest opinion, harsh or not.


    To be honest? I thought I was being nice about it.
     
  9. AlteredEgo

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    I thought you were being nice about it too.
     
  10. molotovmuffin

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    He's trying to please her and it seems to me that she is the one not interested. It would be better for him and her if she were honest with him... maybe she has problems with sex along the lines of what Dolfette has.
     
  11. MickeyLee

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    she sounds like a pissy little do-me-queen. not all women have trauma, some women are just selfish when it comes to sex. they assume consent and a vagina is all they need to bring to the show. see the "starfish", the "i don't go down, but feel free to go down on me".

    admittedly the needing to be drunk for sex is a warning sign. but to fix that she'll need a shrink. not a boyfriend. is harsh but true.

    she is open enough sexually to allow activities that get her off.. but isn't willing to do the same for her partner? selfish. simple as that. i have no clue how she got that way, but foreplay and "give her time" won't fix it.

    you both sound young, very young. i am assuming this is not a long term relationship, or not a relationship heading toward long term. i'd tell you to get out. you two are just not a good match sexually. you're left wanting and she's either happy to tell you no or is getting frustrated, maybe feeling too much pressure is being put on her.

    randomly: could people just assume that not every male posting is a total asshat?

    both of them sound young. she might be new and unsure of herself. he might be in the exact same spot. but he's trying his best and instead of just lashing out he's online seeking honest advice. he didn't ask how to get her to suck his dick or try a threesome.. he just asked how to help her be more comfortable.

    he might have mentioned not knowing if she really was a virgin to avoid sounding naive, lots of women will lie about a guy being their first. or it could have been something as simple as she didn't bleed the first they they had sex.

    if the female gets benefit of the doubt you need to extend the same allowance to the male.


    okay, so the women's issues forum and LPSG in general seems to attract a disproportion number of asshats.

    and at times i can be an asshat.

    i might be acting like an asshat right now :redface::sorry:
     
    #11 MickeyLee, Jan 30, 2010
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2010
  12. amendmentx

    amendmentx Member

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    Ok so thanks for the help. Some good some bad. And thanks molotovmuffin for sticking up for me. But all help from EVERYONE is appreciated. And you are all entitled to your own opinions or conclusions. So will try to answer everyones questions and respond.

    About the lying this is hard to explain. Russian girls have this picture that they must be virgins. She did tell me she has never done anything with a guy before and then told me later on she lied. I always tell people I will trust them 100% until I don't have a reason. If she is or isn't not about big deal just extra information you probably didn't need.

    Maggie first. I am 25 she is 23. She says it doesn't really hurt. Sometimes when I first go it she says it hurts for a few seconds and then goes away. As for pleasure she receives it. She says she loves it when shes drunk just can't do it sober very well and doesn't like to do it. As of right now. As for pushing her I have never pushed her. I'm not sure where that statement came from. As for her wasting it on me who knows. But I think you have misunderstood the situation as I'm here because yes I do want to have sex with her but I do want her to enjoy it. I never push or make her have sex with me. I only do what she wants and stops when she wants it. I was looking for some female insight as how to help her enjoy sex with me. As it is pleasureable for me and I want it to be pleasurable for her. Sorry I did not make that more clear but as molotovmuffin post shows I did at least imply it.

    Not_Phunny. As for trauma I don't know. I hope not I don't think so but its not something I'm going to ask about as Its probably not a good idea to bring up. She is somewhat religious but doesn't go to church and stuff but religion is there. She has always been a good girl (straight A's, Red diploma from university which is straight A's and works in a highly competitive job here. For her its always been about doing the right thing and working hard to accomplish something and having control. She doesn't like when she is drunk and loses control and just enjoys it, which i've found out is part of the reason she can't relax when she is sober because she is worried about losing control of herself.)

    Wish 4 8. I do like this girl a lot but how much I do not fully know now. I'm def gonna stick around for awhile and hope things get better. I'm not asking for a sex freak just someone who wants and likes sex. But again it is something that is important to me.

    Mickey Lee: Well you started off as an Asshat but you do make sense at times. Its a cultural thing about lying about virginity and teasing men. I don't know how to explain it but she knows she does it and likes it at times. This if from her. She is not alone all my friends here who are girls have told me similar things. Its Russian and I guess if you haven' tspent time here or lived here you won't really know what i'm talking about or maybe you do who knows.

    The drunk thing goes with the control thing now and I'm starting to realize that. We talked today more and she said she is fine with that now but she "knows" she will like it later as she is starting to like it more and more. We had sex today sober and she said it was better. So progress I guess is being made.

    This also came out as she has never had an orgasm. She said even when she does it she can get close but can never fully relax. So thats the main thing now finding out how to make her relax we talked about solutions and I can't figure it out. She says only alcohol works now but thinks that will change soon.

    And yes thank you for sticking up for me as well. I am trying to make her enjoy this with me and her being drunk and liking it makes me feel like im the one taking advantage. It i'm trying to make her do anything crazy just share this experience with me with the same or more pleasure than me. Which is why i go down on her and why I do things for her, not so much for me. Yes its nice as being left with blue balls every time is taking its toll and I am starting to feel frustrated.


    So again thanks to all who helped.
     
  13. eyescream

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    Sounds a lot like me when I was a virgin or when I had just lost my virginity. It takes getting used to. I think I started enjoying blow jobs only 3-4 years after I lost my virginity and I didn't like the look of dicks either because I thought they looked weird.

    Which is quite funny to me right now because I'm practically a sex maniac, who absolutely love giving blow jobs.

    If she loves the finger, insert more and gradually keep it to that number. After a while, one finger won't do it and she's going to want something bigger.

    Better yet, get her drunk. You've got her consent.
     
  14. mr_unattractive

    mr_unattractive New Member

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    LOL eyescream, you are a scream.

    See how it goes my friend. Listen closely to her. My wife does not nor never has liked the look or feel or smell of a penis. She kind of likes it in her pussy for a while, but she is after 26 years plus more interested in receiving pleasure than in giving it. Some women come to enjoy playing with a penis and pleasuring their man, some just learn to enjoy the attention and give the minimum they have to in order to keep you coming back to please them. Some women are selfish.

    Personally, I love going down on my woman the rare times she allows me. My hand gets tired after an hour and a half or so, but I like watching her have a half dozen orgasms in a row, it is nice to see her enjoying herself. Some day though, it would be nice to be on the receiving end of a bit of the same kind of attention. It gets tiring being seen as "weird" or sexually unattractive after a while. Kind of hard on the self image and the self confidence.

    take her messages seriously and see if you can imagine her growing to like it more and coming to make things fully mutual over time. I hope for your sake that is the case.
     
  15. amendmentx

    amendmentx Member

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    Hey thanks for the reply. Hopefully she is similar to you. Curious though was there anything that made you more comfortable? Anything I can that made you relax more and feel more at ease?
     
  16. eyescream

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    Have penetrative sex more frequently. It keeps the vaginal opening wider than it would be if you didn't have sex for a week. This minimizes the pain she feels when you're penetrating her.

    That's all I can say about that. Ultimately it's a character issue rather than a physical one. She's your girlfriend and she should woman-up and take one for the team.:tongue:
     
  17. gtocrzy

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    run, don't walk. it ain't gonna get better
     
  18. Drifterwood

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    What concerns me is that she seems to have made her mind up about her sexuality and attitude to men and sex. She is ill-informed to take this position as Eyescream's posts indicate.

    The questions are;

    Is this really her sexuality?

    If not, will she allow it to develop?

    What can you do to help it develop?

    To my mind, a true sexual partnership requires both people to want to express their own sexuality and to encourage and enjoy the expression of their partner's sexuality. At the moment you have neither.

    If she has problems with her own sexuality, then that is one thing and it needs very compassionate handling and understanding. I would therefore suggest that the easier starting point is for you to express more of your own sexuality as a lead. If she is not interested in it, nor in being involved with your sexuality and its expression, then you have a problem and I think you need to communicate this to her.

    Bad lovers of either sex ignore their partner's need to express themselves.
     
  19. helgaleena

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    You and she MUST agree to be honest and not lie. And you must start by telling her about your blue balls and beg her to help you! If she won't then ask her to watch you pleasure yourself and learn something.

    If she is too selfish to quit lying or to give you her attention as an audience, I think you need to only be friends, not lovers. She might be so scarred from the past, or just so low in sex drive, or maybe lesbian, that it would take YEARS to get her to enjoy her own body.

    Ask if she would masturbate herself while you watch too, so she can give you clues about best ways to please her. If she refuses that, she's not a very sexual person perhaps.
     
  20. amendmentx

    amendmentx Member

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    So just to update things are slowly getting better. This week we've seen each other three times and had sex two of three times. Both times we had sex three times in a night. So I guess twice a week 3 times anight is almost like having sex everyday in a week. However she did have to drink but she is slowly getting better. IE I was really horny this morning and she wanted to have sex but was late for work but she did let me go down on her while she was putting on her makeup. So maybe things will turn around like a few of you said. Will let you all know in a few weeks.
     
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