Another thread about wanting a straight guy (sorry)

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by b0yinterrupted, Jul 16, 2011.

  1. b0yinterrupted

    b0yinterrupted New Member

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    I have a friend that I liked before we even became friends. He's 22, I'm 30. He approached and befriended me last October. At first I didn't think he wanted anything more than friends and I was ok with that. He'd text me in the middle of snow-storms to meet for drinks and it always seemed like there was some kind of tension between us. He had a girlfriend at the time and I respected that so I never made a move or an offer. This went on for a few months and then he stopped texting me or responding to my texts for awhile. He would be cordial in passing, but never went out of his way to talk with me long.

    He started texting me again and we hung out a few more times until someone he knows started giving both of us a hard time about us being friends. Which is what I think happened the first time he stopped talking to me. He mentioned to a mutual friend that he thinks I like him. We've never discussed it. One night I ran into him while he was out. I was already pretty shit-faced and I told him how much of a piece of crap I thought his girlfriend was. Didn't hear from him for a few weeks until I got a text saying he wanted to hang out after hours at my job (I'm a bartender). He came by, we sat and talked till sunrise. He told me he broke up with the girlfriend. So now I'm thinking here's my chance.

    We hang out at the same place (my job). When I'm behind the bar his eyes are all over me. When I'm just hanging out with other friends I catch him watching me. I'm starting to think he might be interested. My sexuality is no secret in this small town and most everyone is cool with it. He knew I was gay before he met me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it and he really only wants to be friends. I want more. Not a relationship though. I've been single 7 years and quite frankly don't think I'm relationship material, but a friends with benefits situation would be ideal. I know he won't initiate that part and I'm afraid to. I don't want to lose him as a friend if he gets offended. My one friend says to move on, another says make a move. She said about moving in closer to him and putting my hand on his leg when we're talking and I'll know by his reaction. Thing is, we're only together when we're out and there's people around. We rarely are alone. So I'd think his reaction to be negative in that situation.

    I was going to text him about it, but my friend says that gives him the option to not respond and then I won't know. I want him to know how I feel and what I want. I think it would be easier and more private to say it in a text and tell him that if he's not interested I would still like to be his friend. I don't think I could handle the rejection if I did it face to face. And no, I don't want to get him wasted and try to take advantage of him as that usually turns out bad in the end. What the f*ck should I do??
     
  2. Trousersnake

    Trousersnake Member

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    If you text him and he doesn't reply then surely you do know the answer....
     
  3. DavidXL

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    If you don't want a relationship with him, just leave him alone. If he likes you - and it sounds like there's a chance he might - being offered the opportunity to be a friend with benefits doesn't sound like all that great of an offer to me. (Maybe it's just me, but I tend to be a bit of a foolish romantic, have been in a few friends with benefits situations with women, which ultimately ended up feeling empty and depressing). Plus, you're older than he is and it might end up screwing with his head if he's not sure about stuff.

    If you do want a relationship with him - and it sounds like there's a chance you might, given your angst over this - why not put it on the table but in a way with a little more finesse than a text asking if he wants to hook up? Ask him something like "Would you like to go out to dinner this weekend? It would be fun to see if we have the possibility of a romantic connection [or more than just friends or a relationship, or whatever you want to say] or if we're better off as just friends. No pressure, but maybe there's something for us to explore."

    Another, similar approach, that worked for me once in grad school. There was this girl I liked (I had seen her as an undergrad, and then she joined my program at the same university). We happened to be at the same party. We started talking, and I said "Hey, if I called you sometime to go out, would you say yes?" She said yes, and to my surprise, an hour later, we were back at my apartment having intercourse (without a condom), which wasn't the greatest way to start off a relationship (we had sex a few times, but it never went anywhere).

    Good luck to you!
     
  4. b0yinterrupted

    b0yinterrupted New Member

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    Thanks David! I appreciate your response and I think you're right, I might want more than the FWB situation. I'm supposed to see him tonight and I'm going to ask him out to dinner for one night this week. I should have known to do this, but it's been years since I've persued anyone and him being "straight" made it unclear on how I should approach him. Thanks again! I knew after 4 years of lurking here that this would be a great place for some advice!
     
  5. helgaleena

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    Put the friendship first. It will always be there for you, while the sex is just the possible icing on the cake, not the main thing in your interaction. Any sex is best with a solid foundation of friendship imo.
     
  6. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    Well you know how one of your friends is telling you to go for it and another is saying move on? That's basically what you'll get here too.

    The really important thing is are you being honest with yourself? We all rationalise our lives, we make things sound reasonable to ourselves, offering ourselves a reasonable back story for why we chose to do something or chose not to do something. That's sort of what your story sounds like.

    You need to be really honest about how much you really think this guy is into you, if you think there really is some chemistry then that's a motive force in itself. If you think you could be fantasising and wishful thinking any amount of how much you think he's into you that's also a good indicator of what you should be doing.

    Another thing you should consider is if you friend is currently closeted bi-curious, Gay or Bi or whatever, if you have some kinda fling with him this could be really intense for him, especially if you're his first ever guy. The convenient friends with benefits scenario you'd like best might be lost in all the sexual confusion and angst on his part and things could get icky and complicated. Mind you it could all be fine and dandy and he may be looking for a casual way to explore something he's never done before and be looking for something as stringless as you.


    Mind you I'm not saying you should or shouldn't go there with your friend I'm just saying that you need to be being really honest with yourself before you do and you need to be confident you can deal with any complications that could result.
     
    #6 D_Tim McGnaw, Jul 16, 2011
    Last edited: Jul 16, 2011
  7. ScotRandom

    ScotRandom Active Member

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    Hi b0y,

    David & hel both have sensible & pragmatic points. However, ultimately you & your friend have to be in a position to understand what you both want from each other.
    He obviously knows your sexuality as you're open & know know what you want. It could be that he hasn't quite decided what he wants but is too unsure how to approach gaining an understanding.
    I've had friendships with many Str8 guys whose preferences are women yet knew I was discreet enough, interested in them but not as BF material (undoubtedly FWB or FBs), & they've felt secure & confident enough, both in themselves & with me, to know that a bit of experimentation wouldnt harm our friendship.
    You could run yourself ragged trying to figure out the best time, circumstances, or situation to make a move... However I suspect he'll appreciate it more if you ask in a calm, caring, mature, honest, confident, but direct fashion in order to better understand exactly what you BOTH want out of the friendship.
    If he sees that you realize that all you want is a clear understanding & that it's for the benefit of you both I think he'll possibly open up with whatever his true feelings are.
    Hope this helps & good luck.
     
  8. DavidXL

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    Boy, let us know what happens.
     
  9. MH07

    MH07 Member

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    Sigh. As someone who's gone down this road one time too many, not wanting to be the sour apple in the bunch, but:

    Danger, Will Robinson!

    I just got out of -a very similar- relationship. He came after me (for the life of me I can't think why, but hey, I guess everybody has a "type" and I must be his, as he's said many times).

    Friends? Sure, until his buddies said somethng, at which time I had to be shuffled out of sight for a while. FWB? Hard to maintain, that was our original goal and it started out that way but it turned into a "love" situation pretty fast. He actually fell harder for me at first than I did for him. We were hot and heavy for a while, and I was -foolishly, foolishly- letting myself actually fall in love with him. If he wasn't in love with me, he was a great actor (and he's a lousy liar, he looks like a boy scout when he starts trying to lie, you can spot it a mile away).

    So, here we are, going along just great, and suddenly, he says he wants to stop seeing each other. "Why?" "I'm in love with you, and I can't reconcile being in love with another man." "Well, let's just see where it goes?" "No. I can't be around you because I'm in love with you, and I can't be in love with you because I just can't be in love with another man."

    So, now, if I email/text him during the day, he'll email or text a cool reply---"I miss you" "Raining here, how about there?"

    But at night, after he gets plastered, and here come the texts of love and devotion and on and on.

    Would I take him back? Yes, the feelings are still very strong, but I'd have to have some assurances (that I'll never get) that he won't freak out again and won't mind if people actually see us walk down the street together (not holding hands/lovey dove/stuff, just walking down the street) or sitting at a bar together. But I just don't think he'll ever be able to climb that hill.

    So, my young friend, be careful about yourself. Take a lesson from an old fool. Enjoy the time you spend; I have to say, the sex I had with him was the most spectacular of my lifetime (I'm 54 and lived through "the good old days"); he is a splendid lover. I allowed myself to fall in love with him, and allowed him to fall in love with me also---then it nearly killed both of us when he couldn't reconcile it.

    So, "Danger, Will Robinson!" If you can control it, good for you; I thought I could---but failed.

    Just be careful.
     
  10. B_Castello

    B_Castello New Member

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    There is one thing that I dont like, it is confuse situation, a ''straight'' wanted you, but with a mind that tells him no. I'm going tru a situation right now, and it's really not fun. I like a man that knows what he wants, I'll fallow your post :)

    There is something that I find odd; a lot of people knows that I am bi, and since, a good deal of straight men came to me, tell me stuff like ''if I was gay, you would be my type'' or ''If I had one relation with a man, it would be you'' and other confusing phrase like those... I dont know if they met to give me a compliment, but it doesn't work lol It happen to yours guys?
     
  11. Silvertip

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    I know that back when I had no interest in guys I wouldn't have been at all offended if a gay friend asked me (especially when I was without a present girlfriend) if I'd ever consider physical intimacy with another guy as a means for sexual gratification. I say I know that to be the case because when I was in my early twenties I was asked exactly that by a bisexual coworker and, though my answer was no, the question didn't bother me a bit. Your best course of action however should be based on your own knowledge of the young man, sounds like you know him well enough to make that assessment.
     
  12. B_Castello

    B_Castello New Member

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    What happen so you got turn on by men suddenly? Did you catch a virus or something lol
     
  13. Silvertip

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    I never have gotten to where I'm turned on by guys, just cocks. It's purely a physical, hedonistic thing with me. I never messed with guys until later in life when I found myself divorced after 25 years of marriage, but I've been making up for lost time ever since!
     
  14. B_Castello

    B_Castello New Member

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    lol

    good boy :)
     
  15. CUBE

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    I think you should actually talk to him in the light of day face to face. I would want to clear the air and make sure you have an understanding of the nature of your friendship. You are asking because you value him.
     
  16. b0yinterrupted

    b0yinterrupted New Member

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    I worked up the courage to ask him out and a tragedy struck his family that day. I'm putting my wants on hold for awhile. I'd feel bad making a move at this time. :icon9: Thanks to everyone that responded, at least my head is clear on what I need to do.
     
  17. f0zzie05

    f0zzie05 New Member

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    Don't let things go too long you might just be the guy who helps take his mind off things. Do u know for sure u r his first guy? Show him u care n tell him you'll buy him a drink sometime when things calm down a bit or something, don't make te move then though, some more gay-dar feelers though. If his eyes were all over you and he let u see that he was checking u out it can only really mean one thing... I'll tell you what though it's tough to stay friends after sex
     
  18. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

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    It's good you're being a supportive friend. If you care about him wait till his life has become less troubled and see where things are at then.
     
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