Hello to all.
30 year old here. Been browsing forums for a couple months, but first post. I have some thoughts I need to get out there. I'll try not to be long-winded, but I have a lot to say, and I apologize in advance if my thoughts are unorganized.
I've been in a relationship for 7 years. For the first couple years, sex was great and not uncommon, but then began to become less fun and less frequent...which isn't out of the ordinary, I know. Around this time, my boyfriend suggested for us to try an open relationship. I was reluctant at first, but I figured we'd give it a try. We decided that playing together with other guys would be ideal, but playing separately would also be ok from time to time, taking into consideration that each of "our types" are pretty different, so that mutual attractiveness toward potential playmates may not always be there.
We had a few threesomes and maybe a group session or two, and through our fun, we developed two regular playmates who also became good friends. I hooked up independently only once during this period of time. He did so more often, although I'm unable to say with certainty exactly how much or with how many people. At one point during this time, we unfortunately acquired a case of pubic lice. This was disgusting and I was extremely grossed out by it, but we promptly took care of the problem and got past it. Not really a big deal, but not fun to deal with either.
Around this same time, I started a new job and went back to college full-time, which in turn would leave me with less free-time and homework, of course. I became less interested in sex as I was focused on work and school. We were not having sex with each other very much at all. He was really trying to get me involved in some threesomes and groups, hoping that it would spark my interest. However, like I stated earlier, the people he wanted to get together with weren't necessarily anyone I'd sleep with (everyone has their likes and dislikes as far as physical attraction) and vice-versa, so I didn't really participate. I even tried to overcome the fact that I wasn't attracted to some of these people, but it really didn't work out, and I since I wasn't starved for sex or urging to have it, I just let it be and let him have his fun. We'd still have sex once in a while, and that was enough for me.
It is appropriate now to mention the fact that when my boyfriend and I had sex, we did not use protection. We did promise to each other that when with others, we would always be safe, no exceptions. I should have questioned his follow through with this promise when I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with gonorrhea. (Keep in mind, I only hooked up once without him, and that was 2 years prior to this event.) I again felt disgusted, but of course got it taken care of and tried not to let it bother me. Almost a year later, I again had to go to the doctor for some kind of issue. This time it was chlamydia. It sure is strange that I'm getting these diseases when I am only sleeping with my boyfriend, and it is only once every few weeks, if that, maybe not even once a month. I had other stuff going on in my life, so I again tried to shrug it off.
At this time, my boyfriend expressed his concerns about us barely ever having sex, and how we could be together if I was so disinterested in it. I was still working full-time and still going to school full-time, so those were my priorities. Also, after having 2 STDs and crabs, I kinda felt grossed out by sex. We went on this way, barely ever having sex, but he was hooking-up on the side. The way I figured, if he could satisfy his urges elsewhere, less for me to deal with. Pathetic reasoning, I know, but that's how it was. The next year we maybe had sex 3 times.
So this brings us to a year and a half ago. He wasn't feeling well for several weeks and had some weird stuff going on. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with syphilis. His doctor told him to tell any of his sexual partners about this so they could get checked out, so of course I went to the doctor. You got it, I had it too, but mine was just developing, as I had none of the symptoms that he had. I though, fuck another STD and I've had sex literally 3 times within the past year. OK, I went through the treatment and all was good...or so I thought. A few weeks later, he went back to the doctor for a check-up and had blood work done. A week later, the doctor called him in to tell him that he is HIV+.
Obviously, he told me right away and I was worried and scared and sad, and a gamut of emotions went through me. I immediately got tested and was negative...good news for me, but this was going to be difficult. We already were practically not having sex when this happened, so nothing really changed there, but the first time we did after the diagnosis, I was so scared. I pretty much had a panic attack because I was so nervous about being safe. This happened a few times while trying to have sex and he became frustrated with me. He called me selfish. It was literally giving me panic attacks to think about sex, yet I'm selfish. Our relationship was the lowest it had ever been and there didn't seem to be much hope.
Since he has been positive, we have had sex 4 times. Yeah we've jacked off together, but that is different. I didn't enjoy the sex any of these 4 times, as my anxiety level was so high. After each of the 4 times, I went and got tested because I couldn't focus until I had done so.
Now, he still goes out and hooks up with people. A lot of them are regular hook-ups I believe, and they may or may not be positive. I sometimes want to have sex, and I've met several guys online that I think I want to get together with to satisfy my urge, but I always get so anxious before meeting up, that it always falls through.
I'll add here that my boyfriend is 8 years older than me...which has never been a problem for either of us. However, it should be noted that during his 20's he was single and had fun, slept around, hooked-up, stuff that most people experience in their 20's. I never did any of that, and don't have all the sex experience that he has. I wasn't a virgin when we started dating, but I could count all of my sexual partners on one hand.
So after all of this comes my question....will I ever be able to enjoy sex again? Either with my boyfriend or with anyone else? Often times, just the anticipation of possibly having sex is enough to set off anxiety. And I don't get anxious about other things in my life, so that isn't the issue. I'm only 30 and should still be in my sexual prime, but I can't get past the anxiety and panic attacks when it comes to sex.
Sorry this was such a long post, but does anyone have any advice or any words for me? I really needed to get this out as I have no one that I can talk about it with. All of my closest friends are also his friends, and he hasn't revealed his status to them. This is fine as it is his choice, but it makes the conversation a bit different if I were asking my friends for advice...so I haven't.
Thanks for reading.
30 year old here. Been browsing forums for a couple months, but first post. I have some thoughts I need to get out there. I'll try not to be long-winded, but I have a lot to say, and I apologize in advance if my thoughts are unorganized.
I've been in a relationship for 7 years. For the first couple years, sex was great and not uncommon, but then began to become less fun and less frequent...which isn't out of the ordinary, I know. Around this time, my boyfriend suggested for us to try an open relationship. I was reluctant at first, but I figured we'd give it a try. We decided that playing together with other guys would be ideal, but playing separately would also be ok from time to time, taking into consideration that each of "our types" are pretty different, so that mutual attractiveness toward potential playmates may not always be there.
We had a few threesomes and maybe a group session or two, and through our fun, we developed two regular playmates who also became good friends. I hooked up independently only once during this period of time. He did so more often, although I'm unable to say with certainty exactly how much or with how many people. At one point during this time, we unfortunately acquired a case of pubic lice. This was disgusting and I was extremely grossed out by it, but we promptly took care of the problem and got past it. Not really a big deal, but not fun to deal with either.
Around this same time, I started a new job and went back to college full-time, which in turn would leave me with less free-time and homework, of course. I became less interested in sex as I was focused on work and school. We were not having sex with each other very much at all. He was really trying to get me involved in some threesomes and groups, hoping that it would spark my interest. However, like I stated earlier, the people he wanted to get together with weren't necessarily anyone I'd sleep with (everyone has their likes and dislikes as far as physical attraction) and vice-versa, so I didn't really participate. I even tried to overcome the fact that I wasn't attracted to some of these people, but it really didn't work out, and I since I wasn't starved for sex or urging to have it, I just let it be and let him have his fun. We'd still have sex once in a while, and that was enough for me.
It is appropriate now to mention the fact that when my boyfriend and I had sex, we did not use protection. We did promise to each other that when with others, we would always be safe, no exceptions. I should have questioned his follow through with this promise when I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with gonorrhea. (Keep in mind, I only hooked up once without him, and that was 2 years prior to this event.) I again felt disgusted, but of course got it taken care of and tried not to let it bother me. Almost a year later, I again had to go to the doctor for some kind of issue. This time it was chlamydia. It sure is strange that I'm getting these diseases when I am only sleeping with my boyfriend, and it is only once every few weeks, if that, maybe not even once a month. I had other stuff going on in my life, so I again tried to shrug it off.
At this time, my boyfriend expressed his concerns about us barely ever having sex, and how we could be together if I was so disinterested in it. I was still working full-time and still going to school full-time, so those were my priorities. Also, after having 2 STDs and crabs, I kinda felt grossed out by sex. We went on this way, barely ever having sex, but he was hooking-up on the side. The way I figured, if he could satisfy his urges elsewhere, less for me to deal with. Pathetic reasoning, I know, but that's how it was. The next year we maybe had sex 3 times.
So this brings us to a year and a half ago. He wasn't feeling well for several weeks and had some weird stuff going on. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with syphilis. His doctor told him to tell any of his sexual partners about this so they could get checked out, so of course I went to the doctor. You got it, I had it too, but mine was just developing, as I had none of the symptoms that he had. I though, fuck another STD and I've had sex literally 3 times within the past year. OK, I went through the treatment and all was good...or so I thought. A few weeks later, he went back to the doctor for a check-up and had blood work done. A week later, the doctor called him in to tell him that he is HIV+.
Obviously, he told me right away and I was worried and scared and sad, and a gamut of emotions went through me. I immediately got tested and was negative...good news for me, but this was going to be difficult. We already were practically not having sex when this happened, so nothing really changed there, but the first time we did after the diagnosis, I was so scared. I pretty much had a panic attack because I was so nervous about being safe. This happened a few times while trying to have sex and he became frustrated with me. He called me selfish. It was literally giving me panic attacks to think about sex, yet I'm selfish. Our relationship was the lowest it had ever been and there didn't seem to be much hope.
Since he has been positive, we have had sex 4 times. Yeah we've jacked off together, but that is different. I didn't enjoy the sex any of these 4 times, as my anxiety level was so high. After each of the 4 times, I went and got tested because I couldn't focus until I had done so.
Now, he still goes out and hooks up with people. A lot of them are regular hook-ups I believe, and they may or may not be positive. I sometimes want to have sex, and I've met several guys online that I think I want to get together with to satisfy my urge, but I always get so anxious before meeting up, that it always falls through.
I'll add here that my boyfriend is 8 years older than me...which has never been a problem for either of us. However, it should be noted that during his 20's he was single and had fun, slept around, hooked-up, stuff that most people experience in their 20's. I never did any of that, and don't have all the sex experience that he has. I wasn't a virgin when we started dating, but I could count all of my sexual partners on one hand.
So after all of this comes my question....will I ever be able to enjoy sex again? Either with my boyfriend or with anyone else? Often times, just the anticipation of possibly having sex is enough to set off anxiety. And I don't get anxious about other things in my life, so that isn't the issue. I'm only 30 and should still be in my sexual prime, but I can't get past the anxiety and panic attacks when it comes to sex.
Sorry this was such a long post, but does anyone have any advice or any words for me? I really needed to get this out as I have no one that I can talk about it with. All of my closest friends are also his friends, and he hasn't revealed his status to them. This is fine as it is his choice, but it makes the conversation a bit different if I were asking my friends for advice...so I haven't.
Thanks for reading.
