Anxiety Trying To Progress A Relationship

Growing123

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I met a nice guy online. We exchanged pictures and knew each other from seeing each other in the professional world (not the same industry exactly). Also I think he goes to my swimming pool. I don't think he is interested as he was friendly but brief in his exchanges. But I cannot be sure.
I would like to develop a friendship but taking that step of suggesting going for a drink or coffee is overwhelming. If he does not have any interest might he feel a degree of pressure or "oh, not this guy. I'm not interested" vibe.

I could wait until after lockdown but I may not see him for a year as we work from home now. I could resume conversation on the dating app but he may see that as a come on advancement.

Any advice? Be tough with me if I need to grow up. This is a challenge. Getting shot down is not easy. What could I say to make it clear that I just want friendship. I cannot even be certain that he wants my friendship.
 
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Lost.intra

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I met a nice guy online. We exchanged pictures and knew each other from seeing each other in the professional world (not the same industry exactly). Also I think he goes to my swimming pool. I don't think he is interested as he was friendly but brief in his exchanges. But I cannot be sure.
I would like to develop a friendship but taking that step of suggesting going for a drink or coffee is overwhelming. If he does not have any interest might he feel a degree of pressure or "oh, not this guy. I'm not interested" vibe.

I could wait until after lockdown but I may not see him for a year as we work from home now. I could resume conversation on the dating app but he may see that as a come on advancement.

Any advice? Be tough with me if I need to grow up. This is a challenge. Getting shot down is not easy. What could I say to make it clear that I just want friendship. I cannot even be certain that he wants my friendship.
Just talk to him
 
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Growing123

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He replies to my messages and is friendly. I guess that I have to just keep it simple and hope that it develops into a friendship. I do like him so it is probs not good for me but I would settle for friendship. There is 8 years between us and that prob turns him off. Eventually I will pluck up courage to suggest a beer. I imagine he is in demand on the app as he is boy next door. But maybe he is lonely too and not just searching for hook ups.
 

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Hi @ Growing123.
It’s interesting to read both of your posts as they have one common thread - self-sabotage. You see yourself as “oh not this guy” in the first post. It seems a bit over dramatic to characterize asking someone out to coffee as overwhelming. If you reach out to someone on a dating app it is the nature of the chat to be “advancement or come on”. Isn’t that the purpose of a dating site? Don’t use age as an excuse, there are 14 years between my husband and me and we are a perfect fit.
Long term I would suggest counseling. Many gay men have self esteem issues. I attended counseling at the request of my husband (before we were married) and although I didn’t go willingly I went. It makes you look at yourself in a new way and I’m glad I did it.
Short term, ask him to coffee. Make it about business if that makes it easier. Perhaps he only sees you as a professional colleague. Get him to see you as a sexy confident gay man who is a great catch!!!
Thank you for your honesty and good luck!
 

Growing123

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Thank you for the feedback. You picked up on a lot of fair points. Self sabotage is one that I had not considered. I did identify avoidance as a result of poor self esteem. With intimacy I never went "there" in my life. "There" was a place I was too vulnerable to go and it was also about self-preservation. I consciously withheld myself and that is where the root of this problem lies. When it comes to liking someone I'm the young boy again and not a "sexy confident gay man who is a great catch". That's what I need to accomplish.

Thank you !
 

OKCLane

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Thank you for the feedback. You picked up on a lot of fair points. Self sabotage is one that I had not considered. I did identify avoidance as a result of poor self esteem. With intimacy I never went "there" in my life. "There" was a place I was too vulnerable to go and it was also about self-preservation. I consciously withheld myself and that is where the root of this problem lies. When it comes to liking someone I'm the young boy again and not a "sexy confident gay man who is a great catch". That's what I need to accomplish.

Thank you !

I just noticed that you’re a fellow Okie. Welcome to the site and holler at me if you’d like to chat.
 
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Growing123

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When you like someone and they don't like you back how do you cope with that? When everyone tells you that you have lots to offer but everyone you like shows zero interest how do you make sense of it? Why is it that I can't seal the deal with my crushes - ever. Does it mean I have to settle for someone who doesn't light my fire? It's hopeless.
 

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Get involved in the community. Volunteer for organizations that you like; zoo, flowers, animal shelter, food banks, outreach programs, and on and on.
Eventually you’ll find someone with similar interests and that’s a good foundation. What happens if you don’t? Your life is richer for the experience and you’re touching lives. There’s no downside.