Any advice on forgiving a cheater?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Farmio, Jan 8, 2008.

  1. Farmio

    Farmio New Member

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    My boyfriend "lost" his overnight bag. My bf would bring a small bag with him when he came to my house to stay overnight. It contained the obvious items...deodorant, toothbrush, condoms, and so forth. I noticed he stopped bringing it with him. When I asked about it he had that "deer in the headlights look" and just said he didn't know where it was. Of course my suspicious mind goes straight to "he stayed at someone's house and forgot it". I really think he cheated and am having a hard time getting over this. I think if we talked about it and he confessed we could move forward but as long as it's a secret between us we can't. One of the biggest problems is ME I have always had a "you cheat, I'm gone rule" I really love this guy and think I could forgive him but he knows about my rule and i don't think he'd ever confess hence we can't get over it. Any advice on how to bring the topic up or advice for me on how to "accept" he cheated and forgive him? We've been together over a year.
     
  2. smudgey

    smudgey Member

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    Come on man, give this guy some credit! Maybe (hopefully) he actually did forget it... Unless there are other signs that may lead you to cheating, I wouldn't take a deer in the headlights look as a signed confession... Certainly talk to the guy though if your suspicions are real, I wouldn't let it fester until nothing he could say would appease you. Good luck mate!
     
  3. Farmio

    Farmio New Member

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    The important thing about forgetting it is the WHERE he forgot it. It would go from his house to his car to my house. It shouldn't have been anywhere else where he could 'forget" it. He doesn't go to the gym and doesn't travel for business so losing an overnight bag is a big deal.
     
  4. Hockeytiger

    Hockeytiger Active Member

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    I can't really give you any advice on how to bring it up, as, frankly, you obviously know him better than I.

    I would suggest being as direct as possible and wearing your heart on your sleeve. Let it all out. Though, perhaps a blubbering fest wouldn't be very helpful. Make sure he knows how much this is torturing you. If her reacts with extremely angry denials (note extremely, like lots of shouting, not just indignance) then I'd guess the relationship is already over and you will need to move on. If he sits down with you and you can see that he feels you pain, then you might be able to get through. Either he will deny it at that point, and then you will just have to decide if he is telling the truth (and if you don't think he is, you will either just have to accept it is now effectively an open relationship, or you need to move on). If you do accept his denial as truth, then move on. Perhaps keep an eye out, for future behavior, but you have accepted it, so move on. If he admits it, then you can try to make it work. Obviosuly, if he admits it, he cares enough about YOU, and honors the relationship enough to come clean, that the two of you might be able to make it work.

    Well, those are my thoughts on the subject.
     
  5. dreamer20

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    Farmio I suspect that you have blown the matter of a missing bag way out of proportion. Give him the benefit of the doubt and don't torture him over the matter of a bag. My advice to you would be to be as sweet and loving as you can be. No confrontations please. You need to obtain hard evidence of cheating first, which I have done by investigation in my case. Then you will have something to discuss and the choice of whether you shall forgive or not.
     
  6. B_ajaxgayguy7

    B_ajaxgayguy7 New Member

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    Here's some advice for you. My last relationship which lasted 6.5yrs, my ex and i NEVER talked about what was bothering us, we just swept it ALL under the rug. Notice i said my EX!

    I have now been single for over 9yrs and this guy that i have been seeing for 3yrs now, if i want to know something, i ask! I no long just sweep it under the rug. Why not ask him if he has been with someone else? Tell him about your suspcions, tell him you want to put this to rest so that both of you can move forward. Why waste your time wondering what is going on? ASK HIM, TALK ABOUT IT! IF ALL ELSE FAILS, GO TO COUNSILLING. As much as i still love my ex and i know he still loves me, (by the way we are still friends and talk often) if we had talked when we where together, we would still be together today.
     
  7. B_ajaxgayguy7

    B_ajaxgayguy7 New Member

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    Sorry one other thing, is there a commitment between the 2 of you with a closed relationship?
     
  8. shinato

    shinato New Member

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    i would think the first thing would be not to set ultimatums right off the bat in your relationships. you said you have a rule of "you cheat, i leave" and your man already knows about it. so now if he cheated there's no way in hell he'd tell you. but you also sound like you're not so ready to stand up to that rule if he did cheat. perhaps another lesson to learn here is not to make ultimatums or draw lines in the sand until you actually need to. if that had been the case then perhaps he'd be more willing to talk. that being said you should set your boyfriend down and have a heart to heart with him. let him know you're worried but your not leaving him. you just want to know the truth. because if what you said is true then your boyfriend is only using this bag for one thing. when he's spending the night with another man so logically it should only be two places. his house or yours. you have fears and perhaps so does he. so talk it out. honesty and not threats wins the day.
     
  9. Rang3r69

    Rang3r69 New Member

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    Dude. Get a fucking life. You've known him for a fucking a year. Do you have any responsibilities that you share? i.e. a mortgage, pets, bank accounts, investments, a child? or are you guys just fuck buddies that have your own separate lives, that on occasion do things together. A true relationship is not about "Oh, I love Him". Nigga Please! It's about hard work, responsibilities, and duty. Yes, love is part of it, but it is a mature love that will hopefully take you through the thick and thing (no pun intended). Sounds like you're the one with the problem, take hold of your faculties man and pull your head out of your ass!!! You are still in the 'getting to know someone' stage. First and foremost life changes the minute you have your partner move in and my friend that is where you will see the beginning of your life with another person. True love grows from that. If he's not with you he's not your MAN. DO YOU GET IT!!! And for fuck's sake, be honest with yourself. I dated my wife for five fucking years (literally) before she moved in. Let me tell you something. You think you know someone by dating them, FUCK NO!!!. Not until you live with them do you start to even come close to what you think who they might be. Now enough with the fucking "I think he cheated on me, whaaaaa". Here's what you're fucking going to do; Look him right into his eyes, don't look to the sides or anywhere else and ask him if he has been with anyone else. Don't say cheating, BECAUSE HE HAS NOT CHEATED ON YOU!!! Remember what stage you are in and being with others is part of the game. He has NO real ties to you. Not until he moves in. Accept his answer and move the fuck on with your relationship. If you don't trust him then you've got problems, and maybe you need to part ways.

    PEACE!!!!!
     
  10. Principessa

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    Sounds like you already know he cheated. Given the info you presented I would feel comfortable assuming he cheated as well. You just bring it up in a straight forward fashion and when he tells you he cheated you walk.
     
  11. B_ajaxgayguy7

    B_ajaxgayguy7 New Member

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    Well, LOL, you sure hit the nail on the head with that one!
     
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