Dear Mistress,
I didnt think I would ever find anyone who truly understood the desires and thoughts that remain buried deep within me.
On the outside, I am a very take-charge kind of guy. Whether it is with work, family, or any other outside involvements, I am expected to be a regular, strong, aggressive and even dominant kind of guy, so to speak. Yet, deep within me, there is the strong desire to be submissive and to relinquish control. It seems that, secretly, I enjoy submitting to another for anothers most selfish pleasure and I think I have been that way since I was a child.
I remember growing up and although not fully understanding it, noting that whenever I was in an embarrassing or humiliating situation, as much as I truly and genuinely hated it, there was also an inexplicable side of me that derived some kind of pleasure, even if it was only later when I looked back on it. I remember growing up that if I was picked on or somehow degraded in front of others, as much as I hated it, there was a part of me that seemed to secretly enjoy it. In school if I got pantsed or had a practical joke done to me or was bullied in the locker, etc
etc
., I started to realize as I went through grammar-school, then high-school, that I was actually aroused by it. I still didnt fully understand why, but when someone was using me for their selfish pleasure and amusement, even at my expense and torture and humiliation, I started to get inexplicably aroused by it.
It was only in college that I finally started to understand the world of fetishism, B&D, S&M, kink, Domination and Submission, cuckolding, Humiliation, Emasculation, etc
etc
.. As I learned of these things, I realized that I must be one of these kinds of people. I tried to run from it and bury it to no success. Still, there were many practical jokes and areas of humiliation that came from college pranks and antics, and it became doubly humiliating if someone or groups of people noticed I was actually getting aroused at the humiliating situations that I should otherwise be hating. That just added to the humiliation and the cycle continued.
After college I decided to work up enough courage to try and explore it. I actually started searching out websites and even went to professional domininatrixes. In the beginning it was extraordinarily hot and these Mistresses began exploring my desires in ways that even I didnt know. They made me do some and endure some of the biggest humiliations I could ever imagine some including things that I would never have thought people did. There was a lot that I did not like and did not enjoy, yet seeing the Mistress derive pleasure from my uncomfortably and feeling that the Mistresses really didnt care if I liked it or not, still turned me on. I began getting turned on by things, even if I didnt like doing those things.
Eventually, though, I realized that these dominatrixes werent really into it. These were things that didnt really turn them on. They were doing it just for the money. At that point, it stopped being pleasurable. The pleasure I derived was in thinking that the woman truly was being selfish; was truly into this; was truly deriving genuine pleasure from my humiliation, emasculation, degradation, use, and embarrassment. As long as I thought that this is how they were in real life and this is what we would be doing if we knew each other personally not professionally, I was enjoying it. Thinking that the Mistress was this way in real life and truly did enjoy using men, against their will, beyond their limits, regardless of their enjoyment of it, caring less if the men were turned on by it, then it was arousing. Knowing that she was getting off on being able to live out her deepest most true and buried fantasies at my expense and humiliation was the turn-on for me. Then, growing to realize that this was something that she didnt really care about and only did it as a profession, took that whole desire away. From then on, I couldnt find anyone who truly got off on the power of using men against their will for the womans totally selfish amusement and pleasure. It seemed it was all about the money. I was frustrated and dejected. Then the guilt came back and I knew I had to bury these thoughts.
Again by all accounts, I am a normal person who takes care of and provides for his family. I dont smoke or drink really. I work very hard, working two jobs, just to pay the bills and provide for the family. I lost my wife. So the desire remains for a permanent or temporary; short-term or long-term, close or distance, situation with a woman/women who truly is/are dominant, aggressive, imaginative, knowledgeable, selfish, cruel, powerful, etc
. and who seeks to turn the tables of society by using men just to get themselves off.
Society often has women basically fulfilling mens fantasies. Everything is about and geared towards mens desires. The woman I am talking about, however, does, indeed, turn those tables. She uses men to get herself off. The woman I am talking about would not care about whether or not the man likes to do something; would not care about whether or not something is beyond the mans limits; would not care about how much the man is humiliated, degraded, emasculated, embarrassed or even disgusted; the woman I am talking about is purely selfish, gets off on having power; gets off on seeing a guy unaroused, unpleasured, and totally used, abused, humiliated, disgusted, degraded. I want to know what a woman wants, without her trying to match up her wants with a man. I want to know that deepest, darkest, most nasty, disgusting, kinky, humiliating desire(s) a woman has and I want to be the man who would submit to making that happen, regardless of whether or not I enjoy it or like it or am turned on by it or not.
From simple things like getting a call at 2 in the morning because my Mistress is thirsty and all her cold drinks are downstairs in her house and she doesnt want to go down to get it and calls me, expects me to drive over there, get her a drink from her first floor and bring it to her in her second floor and then kick me the curb thereafter to more kinky things like private or public humiliation, toilet play, cuckolding, forced chastity, domination, degradation, etc
. etc
..or anything I am forced to do either alone with my Mistress or in public or with her friends, in front of women or men, etc
etc
.. I would be my Mistresses personal spittoon, urinal, ashtray, snotrag, toilet, cumspounge, etc
. I want to do those things I am most repulsed by; those things I would never do otherwise; those things I dont enjoy, but those things that I would submit to nevertheless for my Mistresss deepest, darkest fantasies. I want to be the feelingless object that a Mistress(es) uses just to satisfy her selfish, deepest fantasies, no matter how disgusting, emasculating, kinky, nasty, degrading, embarrassing or humiliating it is.
Yes, I am willing.
