Anyone else have this problem?

Discussion in 'The Healthy Penis' started by Jonesy98, Sep 13, 2007.

  1. Jonesy98

    Jonesy98 New Member

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    Hello all.

    I have a problem. I am 22, and I've only been sexually active for about 6 or 7 months. My g/f and I were both first timers, but even with lack of experience my problem strikes me as incredibly odd, and I'm afraid it's really going do some psychological damage to her if I can't fix it.

    The problem: I cannot reach orgasm. The only way I can is to "take control" (that's the nice way of saying wank it), and even then I have to alter space and time and practically cramp every muscle in my body to climax. When I'm by myself I'd say I'm pretty normal, but when I'm with the love of my life I can't even get close. I've read about male inorgasma, or whatever it's called, but I just don't think that's it. Has this happened to anyone else? I'm kinda assuming not, which is troubling.

    Thanks for any help.
     
  2. 36DD

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    Were you raised in a strict religious home where it was branded in you that premarital sex was wrong? If so, that could be the problem...maybe you have some kind of psychological guilt barrier preventing you from just letting go.
     
  3. Jonesy98

    Jonesy98 New Member

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    No not particularly. I was only taught to be careful and, if I could stand it, wait for the person I was going to wed. Waiting for marriage was the A+ on the test, but I have no regrets about giving it up before then.
     
  4. 36DD

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    Maybe you're worried about pleasing her then? I don't know. Maybe it's something physiological in nature...do you have a heart condition or do heart problems run in your family? I don't say that to worry you, I've just known that men can have problems in that area if they have blockage. I hope someone can answer your question though and that it gets better for you...you're too young not to be enjoying your youth!
     
  5. kjguy

    kjguy Well-Known Member

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    I have a slight issue with this. It mostly occurs because of the condoms, I don't know why, but when wearing them, it begins to get very difficult to feel anything after awhile. I usually have to take it off and finish manually or have her give me a hand and/or blow job. Under other circumstances, I fight to hold off as long as possible. It all depends on the situation for me.
     
  6. Jonesy98

    Jonesy98 New Member

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    Condoms are terrible, but I don't really use them. This problem occurs skin on skin.
     
  7. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    What kind of sensation do you have when you masturbate?

    Cut out masturbation for a while if you can come easily with masturbation.

    What is the most sensitive part of your penis? Is that part in contact with her vagina during intercourse? If it's not, perhaps a different position will help.

    Are you circumcised? Do you experience pain on erection? Have you torn your frenulum before?

    Ruling out any of the physical issues above...

    When we're with someone we love, something happens to our semen, like in Dr. Strangelove it turns into a, "precious bodily fluid." You're sharing the most intimate part of yourself, essentially giving it someone else. At the moment of orgasm you're as vulnerable as you ever can be. You have to trust her completely in that moment.

    Guys have two kinds of orgasms, the first is the one we all know, the basic jack-off orgasm where suddenly semen becomes a nuisance. You have this orgasm when you jack off, or have a quick hook-up where you don't really share anything. You're both there to get off. Hi you're hot, let's fuck, go baby yeah!, cigarette, was it good for you too? Need cab fare? Fucks like that are just better ways to masturbate. It's an essentially self-satisfying act.

    The other orgasm is when you love somebody and using your body to express that love. That's something entirely different and extremely personal. Though the sensations are the same, the desire behind the act is something different altogether. You're shifting gears from just wanting to lose a load to sharing the most absurdly powerful thing you possess. As you approach orgasm so you approach ultimate intimacy. You have to bare yourself for a moment in such a completely open way that it can be frightening. In that sense, your release of semen is the deepest thing you can reveal to someone. Afterwards when you look at her, you can know that physically and literally, part of you is in her.

    First search yourself and your soul. Go someplace alone and think very seriously about your relationship and where you stand. Is part of you feeling guilty? Are you unsure about where this is going? More particularly, do you want to love her more than you feel you do? This last part is really important because it can be the impediment to intimacy.

    Next I suggest that you forget about orgasm altogether. Focus sex on pleasing her and allowing her to reach orgasm. Go into sex expecting not a thing for yourself knowing that when or if it happens it's OK.

    I've had this issue before and at a very young age, younger than you are now. I didn't get over it with the particular girl I was seeing because she was wrong for me no matter how much I wanted her. I'm not saying this girl is wrong for you, but the intimacy issue is intertwined with inorgasmia providing everything else works fine.
     
  8. Jonesy98

    Jonesy98 New Member

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    If it could just be all about her I would love that, but she insists. I could care less if I climax. In fact, I'd prefer not to, but she wants to "know" that she's good to me. I've always just wanted to be good to her, but I think she is really getting depressed because I can't climax with her. Unfortunately, she's not quick to climax either... I really thought it would be easier than this.

    I've tried not masturbating for a few weeks. It didn't help, but maybe I need to try for a few months or so.
     
  9. 36DD

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    It sounds like she is putting pressure on you based on her expectations. Don't bring expectations to bed with you, don't make orgasm the goal because then it won't even happen...just have fun getting to explore eachother.
     
  10. jason_els

    jason_els <img border="0" src="/images/badges/gold_member.gi

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    Wait, wait, wait... Why do you prefer not to climax?
     
  11. Max

    Max New Member

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    I agree with a lot of what jason_els has said. But here is my experience of inability to orgasm:

    In my case it was an inability to let go, psychological and not physical. Good sex requires letting go of your control and your inhibitions; which is easier for some personality types maybe than for others.

    Perhaps in your case you are too worried about your 'performance' and pleasing your partner. In my case it was partly over self-consciousness about my size and also about the volume of my ejaculation; the idea of firing that off inside her was too much for me.

    A tot of something alcoholic could release you from this anxiety and enable you to let go (just one or you may lessen your potential!) Once you have conquered this problem a few times you aren't likely to have this trouble.
     
  12. Marina67

    Marina67 New Member

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    As a couple of others have already addressed, a possible significant factor here is that in reality *she* could be doing *you* significant psychological damage by expecting and insisting that you climax. Sex and sexuality are very complicated factors and despite too many stereotypes (clearly by women, but even by men themselves) sex for men is far from easy and obvious. There are extreme and unnecessary expectations, stress, and obligations for men to perform as needed or expected, but much less so for women. Sex (or at least *good* sex) is rarely actually "easy" despite common (mis)conceptions otherwise.

    As someone addressed, there may sometimes be physical factors, but it sounds like at the moment it might be more psychological in basis.

    Don't say or think, "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and just accept where you each are at the moment with no specific requests or desires, etc. of the other. Do what makes you individually happy, simply share yourselves as you each are, and don't ask/expect the other to be more than that.

    My thoughts and ideas, at least for consideration:

    - Sit down and talk to her and explain about the stress of performing (including climaxing). You don't necessarily have to turn it into an intense heart-to-heart, but she should at least realize this in a general sense. Sometimes men's partners (and also women's partners) somehow thinking that rah-rah-rah cheerleading mentality, or "You can do it! You can do it!" type of so-called "support" actually breeds tension, anxiety, and overall counterproductive. It presumes that any (all) performance problems can be overcome by an act of conscious will and deliberation. The correlation is that it implies that if performance problems can't be overcome, then it's a failure or weakness of the individual. Frankly, this is bullshit (don't use this word or even the rest with her, but this is for your own reference).

    - Try a different tactic: instead of focusing on usual sex, engage in general (pre-coital, non-coital) makeout or foreplay sessions, but without the initial goal of culminating in sex itself. This might sound weird for each of you, but taking the emphasis off of the traditional goal, climax for each, it might relax each of you and allow each other to understand other aspects about sexuality. Sexuality (and sex) is more than just about penis-in-vagina and climaxes. (Re-)Learn what sexuality is about, for each of you. This tactic is intended as part of an overall process, but sometimes this might do the trick for some. The main point is deliberately rewiring expectations and traditional ways of making each other happy: climax doesn't need to be part of it. Consider if the concept of simply being with one another, and sharing each other's physical and sexual selves with no real requirements is one step.

    - Do more reading and studying about sex and sexuality. I would even suggest at least a deliberate, if temporary, period of celibacy, say a few days, a week, or maybe more, though light kissing and hugging is okay. Voluntarily going celibate and taking the time to learn (through information and research, not through actual experimentation) can supplement your awareness and appreciation about what sex is alleged to be and actually is.

    There's several ways of rethinking (redoing, relearning, etc.) sex, but whatever works for you. Basically, it's more about trying to learn (or experience) sex from different angles and strategies.
     
  13. kjguy

    kjguy Well-Known Member

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    I have mixed feelings about my girlfriend. And the distinct types of sex helped clairify things for me. I know I love my girlfriend, but there's always this constant lingering feeling that she isn't who I want to marry, have children, and spend the rest of my life with. It often feels like something is missing, and I guess I'm just waiting for it to change.

    When I think about my orgasms with her more, knowing this, I realize that I start off sensual and wanting a loving beautiful moment. But in order for me to orgasm, I have to think of something else and get out of the moment, or think of it as a self satisfying act. Because of this selfish thinking, she usually doesn't orgasm unless it's been awhile since we've had sex. Because of this, I also worry about making her happy a lot of the time too.

    This topic helped me to understand things a lot better, but now I'm just even more confused about what I should do.
     
  14. SyddyKitty

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    I had a an experience with this when I was jerked off by another guy. It literally took hours for him to get me off, and I had to REALLY focus on dirty mental images. I never figured out an exact reason as to why it happened, just thought of possible excuses to myself as to why it migh thave happened (he had a tiny dick, he didn't jerk hard enough, etc.).

    Do you think of anything dirty, to help you reach orgasm?

    Edit: I've only ever done this with one person (a few times over the course of a few days), so I can't say for sure if we're in the same boat. Though, it sounds like we may be, seeing as she has been your only one.
     
  15. sbeBen

    sbeBen New Member

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    :eek:
    Good grief! Are you are shrink? Start treating this minor issue likes it's something really serious and it will manifest!!

    Dont worry is my answer. I think if you are used to masturbation and have little experience of sex then that could be a cause. Masturbation can generally be a more intense, harder and faster sensation on your penis. Maybe you are so used to cumming this way. Don't get hung up over it or start thinkin about your upbringing and religion(ffs). Maybe masturbate slower and more gently. Just a suggestion.
     
  16. earllogjam

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    I can jack off quicker than having someone else jack me off, sucking me or fucking someone. I think it is the same for most men. I think your problem, if you can call it that is like insomnia. The more you think about it the more difficult it is to achieve. Try not focusing on the big O but rather focusing on the physical sensation of pleasure in the moment. Tell your girlfriend that your erection is the best sign that you are sexually turned on to her and not the big O. She can't read minds so you will need to educate her on what turns you on or off, through experimenting. Oh...what an exciting time for you.
     
  17. 36DD

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    My, why the hostility...shit, just trying to help the guy...don't think my answers were any different than anyone else! If you had bothered to read on, you would've read that I too told him to just have fun and to not worry! Maybe you should read before you post! He didn't seem to have a problem with anything I or anyone has said, so maybe you should take a lesson from him and not be so damn rude and disrespectful.
     
  18. sbeBen

    sbeBen New Member

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    Sorry 33DD, just sounded a little strong for one of the first suggestions. We don't do "Go see your shrink" (or "Lawyer" for that matter) where I'm from. Although it's only a matter of time before England becomes a mini America! :biggrin1:
     
  19. 36DD

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    So, can I take that as a formal apology then? Usually when a man can't climax it is psychological or physiological in nature. Perhaps if my brother had seen his Dr. in time, he would have been properly diagnosed with the blockage that led to his massive heart-attack and ultimately his sudden death. He was 45. I know I came on strong, but I don't think a lot of men think that this could be a warning sign of something more serious...I don't want anyone to have go through grief because they took the subject too lightly. Anyway, I am sure he will be fine and learn to just relax and enjoy, which is what we all want for him, right? BTW, it's 36DD.:biggrin1:
     
  20. sbeBen

    sbeBen New Member

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    For sure, no pwablems babe. Sorry about your breast size! Stiil love ya!:smile:
     
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