Hello all.
I have a problem. I am 22, and I've only been sexually active for about 6 or 7 months. My g/f and I were both first timers, but even with lack of experience my problem strikes me as incredibly odd, and I'm afraid it's really going do some psychological damage to her if I can't fix it.
If it could just be all about her I would love that, but she insists. I could care less if I climax. In fact, I'd prefer not to, but she wants to "know" that she's good to me. I've always just wanted to be good to her, but I think she is really getting depressed because I can't climax with her. Unfortunately, she's not quick to climax either... I really thought it would be easier than this.
As a couple of others have already addressed, a possible significant factor here is that in reality *she* could be doing *you* significant psychological damage by expecting and insisting that you climax. Sex and sexuality are very complicated factors and despite too many stereotypes (clearly by women, but even by men themselves)
sex for men is far from easy and obvious. There are extreme and unnecessary expectations, stress, and obligations for men to perform as needed or expected, but much less so for women. Sex (or at least *good* sex) is rarely actually "easy" despite common (mis)conceptions otherwise.
As someone addressed, there may sometimes be physical factors, but it sounds like at the moment it might be more psychological in basis.
Don't say or think, "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and just accept where you each are at the moment with no specific requests or desires, etc. of the other. Do what makes you individually happy, simply share yourselves as you each are, and don't ask/expect the other to be more than that.
My thoughts and ideas, at least for consideration:
- Sit down and talk to her and explain about the stress of performing (including climaxing). You don't necessarily have to turn it into an intense heart-to-heart, but she should at least realize this in a general sense. Sometimes men's partners (and also women's partners) somehow thinking that rah-rah-rah cheerleading mentality, or "You can do it! You can do it!" type of so-called "support" actually breeds tension, anxiety, and overall counterproductive. It presumes that any (all) performance problems can be overcome by an act of conscious will and deliberation. The correlation is that it implies that if performance problems can't be overcome, then it's a failure or weakness of the individual. Frankly, this is bullshit (don't use this word or even the rest with her, but this is for your own reference).
- Try a different tactic: instead of focusing on usual sex, engage in general (pre-coital, non-coital) makeout or foreplay sessions, but without the initial goal of culminating in sex itself. This might sound weird for each of you, but taking the emphasis off of the traditional goal, climax for each, it might relax each of you and allow each other to understand other aspects about sexuality. Sexuality (and sex) is more than just about penis-in-vagina and climaxes. (Re-)Learn what sexuality is about, for
each of you. This tactic is intended as part of an overall process, but sometimes this might do the trick for some. The main point is deliberately rewiring expectations and traditional ways of making each other happy: climax doesn't need to be part of it. Consider if the concept of simply being with one another, and sharing each other's physical and sexual selves with no real requirements is one step.
- Do more reading and studying about sex and sexuality. I would even suggest at least a deliberate, if temporary, period of celibacy, say a few days, a week, or maybe more, though light kissing and hugging is okay. Voluntarily going celibate and taking the time to learn (through information and research, not through actual experimentation) can supplement your awareness and appreciation about what sex is alleged to be and actually is.
There's several ways of rethinking (redoing, relearning, etc.) sex, but whatever works for you. Basically, it's more about trying to learn (or experience) sex from different angles and strategies.
