Anyone else in a relationship where financial values and future plans differ? Need advice

[masterLX]

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 months. He’s a flight attendant and has been in this job for 7 years. Lately, I’ve realized we have different views on finances and future planning.

I’m not rich but I earn okay (engineer), and I’m trying my best to save for things like surrogacy or adoption since we’re gay and want kids. But I know it’s really difficult and expensive. He loves kids too but he’s unsure if he wants kids anytime soon.

I’m more of a saver and planner, while he’s more about enjoying the moment. I don’t want to push or pressure him, but I do wish he was more ambitious about the future, especially since he has the chance to become a manager at a part time job (in a company) where they want to hire him as full time — which would pay better — but he prefers the flying lifestyle.

Honestly, I sometimes think it’s too soon to bring this up, but I’m worried. He’s 36 and I’m 32, so time feels important.

Does anyone have similar experiences? Do you think people really change their mindset about money and planning later in life? How did you or your partner handle these differences? Any advice or stories would be appreciated!

 

[batnballs67]

I'm at a different stage of life and have been married for 30+ years. Money is one of the big stressors in any relationship, especially if you are saving for an important purpose, which you seem to be.

If this is bothering you after 6 months, it will be harder to tolerate if you continue living with the frustration continuously. Even trivial annoyances can be big bothers if they go on an on.

 

[swimmerguydfw]

I think you both need to have a serious talk about this or, as the poster above mentioned, it is just going to fester. It's never "too early" in a relationship to talk about money, as it will be the primary driver for much of your life going forward as a couple. In fact, it will be an ongoing discussion---continually---throughout the relationship as needs and wants change. If you don't start working it out now, you'll be the one doing all of the "saving" for the things you both supposedly want...and probably bailing him out on occasion as well.

Additionally, the "flying lifestyle" can be hard on any relationship as it is, without money being an added stressor...

 

[elklindoxxx]

I would strongly suggest going to a fee based financial planner. They will be able to help you work out a financial plan based upon your needs and desires. As well as calibrating your expectations.

My partner and I went to one, once we started living together. We expressed our needs and desires and they came up with a reasonable plan for us. It cost a little bit of money but it got us going in the right direction. And rarely ever have any financial issues because we stick to the plan.

 

[Silmende]

People can change but 36 and still not setting aside money for the future isn't a good sign that he'll start doing it anytime soon. Have the discussion, indeed. It is important.

 

[msclelovr]

I agree with what’s written above.

My view is that attitudes about money (saving, spending, investing long-term) don’t change.
You cannot think about adoption before you’re utterly sure you both are aligned similarly.

I lived with someone similar to your partner for some years. Then we broke up. Now I live with a younger man who has similar values to me; it’s much easier and makes for a happier life.

 

[HardcoreRelaxationFan]

With how differently people view money by region and class, it's just not realistic to think agreement on finances will happen naturally. There's a lot of assumptions about the world and money baked into how we spend it and what we value. So, with that in mind, it's almost always going to require time and effort together to get on same page. I did have one relationship where it was surprisingly easy, but that was because we were lucky in coming from a very similar region and family finances situation. Without that, people have wildy different ideas on what's a splurge and what's reasonable. And since money is the biggest driver of divorces, you can't just head in without making this one of the priorities to understand each other on.

And that other poster's advice is perfect. Find a financial expert that is fee-based and not someone who sells packages to sit down with both of you about budget stuff. "Fiduciary" is a keyword here. If you aren't sharing finances this early, maybe pick a thing to save for together or just bring him along for your planning session on things you want to save for.

 

[chrissal480]

Let me see if I can cover this completely
1- you all been dating 6-7 months .. it’s ok to be talking about surrogacy and all but to begin with that phase .. you’re relationship needs to go longer .. a year to at least 18 months before making those big steps

2…. He has chance becoming manager at his job that he is working part time.. ( which I am sure by now the offer has probably been given to someone else )

Taking on job of assistant manager or management is a big job that a lot of people don’t want .. a friend of mine worked in retail and when he became assistant manager within a year he wished he never took it.. said the pay wasn’t worth the hassle..

3.. don’t push him into doing anything .. as I said 6 months isn’t long enough to try to be like.. you need to do this.. not to mention a relationship isn’t about making someone do something it’s all about supporting each other..

You talk about your ages .. seems like need to hurry and get things situated .. you’re still young .. you’re making it sound like you’re over 50 and time is running out..

My partner/husband — he wants to find a job somewhere as he feels like he is not pulling his weight around here ..he helps clean the house and laundry done ( when there’s enough to do ). He cooks and does dishes even though I insist I do them or at least help..

If you two are together and falling in love then true love will help you both sort things out.. just don’t argue or raise voice or make sound like going him an ultimatum.. that never works

 

[dan123]

Great post, great question. I have been in different relationships where finances and priorities differed and in most cases they fizzled out, so 6 months is a good start. If you have already had a conversation about children in the future I'm sure that an open conversation about saving and lifestyle would be possible. If you have a strong connection I think some sense of a middle ground could emerge.

 

[chrissal480]

The connection happens and becomes a good one when two people get together and work out the issues at hand ..

I know I see myself being the main person pays the bills and all but I choose to do so.. I love him he loves me and as I stayed he does his part around the house so everything is pretty evenly done in my book

It should never be about I make more money than you do while you work very little and sit on your ass ..

That’s not what love is

 

[Sagittarius84]

I don't know totally how things work in gay land, but here in heterosexual land, flight attendants aren't typically the ideal baskets you want to gather all your socioeconomic eggs with(ironically flighty, high propensity and opportunity for infidelity). As presumably the primary breadwinner in this situation, I would first determine whether or not your partner, as is, would drop the free lifestyle of a flight attendant to either be a domestic based partner, or to take on a more grounded and less mobile profession to facilitate a healthier two parent dynamic. I say this because even as a straight man I, often find myself rooting for the gays and lesbians when they embark upon child rearing because of the comparatively successful outcomes two homosexual parents often provide for children...and a lot of what you're describing seems like a perfect setup for gay single fatherhood once he decides his lifestyle is too compromised(especially if the option for management and better full time pay has been made available already and he in his big age isn't ready to make the plunge into adult responsibility.
I don't think ultimatums tend to be all that productive, the confrontational nature of them tends to encourage more stonewalling than compromise, but I think potential child rearing is important enough to force him to make a decision now, or allow his indecisiveness to be your answer.

 

[Brodie888]

The ideal scenario would be for you to be both on the same page with life goals and earning or potential to be earning similar money and accumulated assets.

The alternative to this is that your goals and earning ability are complimentary to each other rather than equal. Eg You may earn a large salary while your partner is a tradesman who can use your earnings to fund flipping houses. Or on a smaller scale, one partner works while the other handles all the domestic duties, raises the kids etc.

The further from balance, the greater a strain it puts on your relationship. Resentment builds as people feel taken advantage of or dreams are lost because you're not pulling in the same direction.

The problem you can have is that you run the risk of investing too much time in a relationship that isn't going to take you to where you want to go. And it is this time that you can never get back and could be better spent in developing a different relationship.

Eg you are 32, it may take 3 years to get past the honeymoon phase and really get to trust someone enough to have kids with. That would make you 35. Ideally you want to have all of your kids by the time you are around 40.

Some people have the energy to push this out a bit further but if you want to ensure you live long enough to walk your daughter down the aisle and enjoy grandchildren, the sooner the better.

So in effect, you have about 5 years left to find the right person. So for every month you are with the wrong person hoping they will change, you run the risk of being out of time.

It really comes down to you and how much you are willing to place your chips on the table by backing this current relationship.

 

[tattoosnbeer]

You rich gays. I'm a paycheck to paycheck gay lol. And so is my boyfriend.

But seriously - if your relationship is that real, then why not just openly talk to him about it? Are you afraid he's going to leave because of this conversation? Because you'll have harder conversations and decisions to make if you have kids. There doesn't need to be any pressure either. This is an adult conversation you're needing to have with someone you love. If he doesn't understand that, then maybe now is just not the time. And y'all are below 40. Both of you have time to course correct.

 

[Sagittarius84]

But seriously - if your relationship is that real, then why not just openly talk to him about it? Are you afraid he's going to leave because of this conversation?

I think you hit the nail almost on the head...I'm not all that adept in the sexual hierarchy of gays, but from even a heteronormative lens, 36m airline steward looks like an attractive prospect unto himself, his optionality only made that much more so by the nature of his profession. Even if OP isn't specifically afraid he is going to leave based upon his personality, he is a mirror of any jealous guy that won't be honest with his Insta famous gf because he knows what her DMs look like, or any average woman that wants commitment and exclusivity from her rich or famous bf but won't say it because she knows he can replace her with 3 girls tomorrow that won't.
I think the time for the convo is past tense, because now the bf has a reasonable argument as to why he shouldn't have to change his profession. I think OP either needs to be OK with the leap of faith that bf won't exercise other options when childrearing interferes with his lifestyle, or make the unilateral decision to break up and find someone aligned with your family goals.

 

[msclelovr]

the time for the convo is past….I think OP either needs to be OK….that bf won't exercise other options when childrearing interferes…..or make the unilateral decision to break up

I feel this is ‘tough love’ but I also feel that the advice is correct.

 

[Solar95x]

I think you hit the nail almost on the head...I'm not all that adept in the sexual hierarchy of gays, but from even a heteronormative lens, 36m airline steward looks like an attractive prospect unto himself, his optionality only made that much more so by the nature of his profession. Even if OP isn't specifically afraid he is going to leave based upon his personality, he is a mirror of any jealous guy that won't be honest with his Insta famous gf because he knows what her DMs look like, or any average woman that wants commitment and exclusivity from her rich or famous bf but won't say it because she knows he can replace her with 3 girls tomorrow that won't.
I think the time for the convo is past tense, because now the bf has a reasonable argument as to why he shouldn't have to change his profession. I think OP either needs to be OK with the leap of faith that bf won't exercise other options when childrearing interferes with his lifestyle, or make the unilateral decision to break up and find someone aligned with your family goals.

Why do you speak about gay people as if we are a just-discovered alien species from a different solar system?

"I don't know how things work in gay land"
"I'm not all that adept in the sexual hierarchy of gays"

We get it, you are a straight man. That should not suggest that you cannot find some degree of commonality with gay men just on a very basic human level without your sexuality being called into question.

 

[Sagittarius84]

Why do you speak about gay people as if we are a just-discovered alien species from a different solar system?

"I don't know how things work in gay land"
"I'm not all that adept in the sexual hierarchy of gays"

We get it, you are a straight man. That should not suggest that you cannot find some degree of commonality with gay men just on a very basic human level without your sexuality being called into question.

I have made the mistake before of conflating the gendered dynamics of heterosexuality with those of homosexuality and have been checked for it. I don't assume commonality just because something looks similar...I provide the disclaimer for the inevitable gay that will pop up to correct me.
....Or I could take your advice and revert back to the ol' heterosexual "call it like I see it" ethos and start labelling who's the girl and who the guy is in homosexual relationships....

 

[Sagittarius84]

And to that end, just a mere adjustment of the sexuality permutations of this situation would garner different advice from my perspective.. Id probably say the same thing to a heterosexual man talking about his flight attendant gf, if it were a heterosexual woman taking about her flight attendant bf...honestly I'd think there were deeper issues at play, and if this were a lesbian talking about her flight attendant gf Id probably have a little more faith in the dynamic working. Change the significant other to a pilot instead, and you'll get different advice. Commonality is nice but I do allow for particular dynamics specific to a sexuality to necessitate reinforcing the biased lens from which I project.