Anyone ever resolve issues like these?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Ruiner, Oct 15, 2009.

  1. Ruiner

    Ruiner Member

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    I know this is going to sound stupid, but have ran into a couple issues with the girlfriend and it doesn't seem she is ready to talk about it yet, so again, I'll post on here and ask for some input. :smile:

    Please don't mistake me for being shallow or an asshole, I'm just trying to cover my bases for the future, as I have already invested a lot into this relationship and feel strongly about her. I also feel horrible at the same time for asking myself these questions, but I can't get them out of my head, because I feel like even if 90% of the other parts of the relationship are perfect, that the sexual piece will leave a huge hole missing.


    So, onto the random stuff:

    For some reason or another, she will not stick her tongue out past her lips. ( nor engage when kissing ever. ) I've tried lightly asking/teasing/etc and haven't gotten much of a response other than the claim that she can't.

    She has also made comments about how even using flossing past her front teeth makes her gag, etc. ( obviously going to be an issue with any size then, but I'm asking myself if oral is ruled out completely then because of that + tongue, there isn't much left. )

    I've been trying to establish a line with her, and it keeps fading. If you read my original post, things continue to fluctuate back and forth, and when I brought it up to her she wanted to talk about it later. I dunno when that will be, but I hope it is soon. ( although, I feel like it is going to be uncomfortable )

    For example, this last weekend on Saturday, she didn't seem to have any issue while we were in the shower making out and having fun. ( With swim suits ) She had a small bikini on, and would allow for bare skin contact on the ass, but not the front (I already knew, didn't try or push it). I was already popping out of my swim trunks and for the first time she had direct contact and gave me a handjob. I repaid by massaging her through her swimsuit. ( would do more, but I am positive she won't let me )

    Monday night, we're in the middle of messing around, and my boxers were just restricting the crap out of me so I adjusted myself and she immediately pulled back and seized everything. She thought I had pulled it out, and it took almost 15 minutes of asking what was wrong to get that out of her. She said she wasn't comfortable with me being completely naked. :confused:


    At this point, I'm just downright confused, and I made that clear to her on monday, saying we really need to establish what is ok and what isn't. She claimed that she didn't know, and we would talk about it later.



    Any suggestions? I know some of you may find this retarded, childish, etc. But I'm honestly looking for opinions because this is the first relationship in 4 years since the last, and it is actually going extremely well for the most part. Our likes, opinions, personalities, etc match great. She's beautiful, smart, and awesome all around. I just worry about her lack of self esteem and confidence and how long I can cope with it, and if I continue down this road if I will regret it later because I will not be able to fulfill the sexual need.

    Anyways, have at it!
     
  2. B_Hamadim

    B_Hamadim New Member

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    Perhaps she is still Shy around you, perhaps she doesn't like sticking her tongue out.
    Perhaps she is till an amateur (how old is she?)

    You mentioned that she is smart, beautiful and awesome, you mentioned that 90% of the relation is working fine.

    You either need to give her more time, or start to back up with the relationship you share with her.

    Don't count on me, there are a better answers/solutions awaits you from my below Brethren.
     
  3. helgaleena

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    Talk about it later? What did she expect to do instead of talk? She strikes me as very evasive and possibly a survivor of past trauma. It is very strange not to be able to floss her teeth. She needs professional help with that, whether or not you two have any future.
     
  4. Enid

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    My home is wherever reality seems elastic and the
    they say only floss the ones you want to keep.

    seriously though, how old are you guys? does she come from a very strict background? speaking from experience sexual compatibility is very important, just as important as personality compatibility. perhaps gently remind her of your need to talk it out the next opportunity you have.
     
  5. Bbucko

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    That was what I thought when I read the OP: it reminded me of a high school situation I was in a long, long time ago when neither of us were really mature enough to have the sort of relationship we were trying to have.

    Personally, I cannot imagine what kind of relationship I could ever have with someone who wouldn't kiss me. That would be a deal breaker right from the beginning.
     
  6. rob_just_rob

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    This reminds me of a girl I dated a while ago. She had some real issues with sex - lost her virginity late and, despite being attractive, had some major self esteem issues as far as I could tell. This despite being smart and blessed with a wickedly sarcastic sense of humour.

    Not sure what advice I can give you - I got tired of trying to deal with the little innocuous things that set her off, and broke up with her. That may sound harsh to some, but it's not your responsibility to 'fix' people with those kind of issues. If you feel she's worth the effort, it might be worth gently bringing up the idea of counselling.
     
  7. Ruiner

    Ruiner Member

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    In reference to above, yea. She came from a very strict family and is almost 21. I'm 22.

    She does have some serious self esteem issues, and I haven't figured out a way to help with that. She has improved, but I'm not sure how much further she will go. It's weird, because in so many other ways she has nothing to worry about.

    As you said, it's not my responsibility to "fix" people, and frankly, I don't want a project. I know that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. We all have enough going on in our lives, that we don't need to be spending the amount of time and energy that can consume. I dunno. I don't want to spend years seeing if it gets resolved to only have it go nowhere, and I hate to break it off now, and miss out how good it could have been.
     
  8. B_625girth

    B_625girth New Member

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    move on, find someone who wants to fuck. she probably believes sex is for procreation only.
     
  9. D_Coupeland Clydesdale

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    I gotta agree with 625girth. I'd move on. This girl seems to have way too many issues. You're young, she's young, you'll both find someone you're compatible with in the future.
     
  10. Ruiner

    Ruiner Member

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    Yeah, got a call today and she apparently needs a hymenectomy. Talk about one issue after another. I feel bad, but how many problems are going to happen.
     
  11. Principessa

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    I was thinking that as well. I know it sounds harsh but if the sex ain't working everything else will fall apart eventually. I was also wondering what her ethnicity was because some Middle Eastern cultures can be quiteobsessive about a female retaining her virginity until marriage.


    There is no way to tell what else will happen
    . Not for nothing but the showering in swimsuits and making out thing is weird. :confused: I grew up in a very strict and religious home and even I was not that bad.

    If she had to have a hymenectomy, she has long had problems down there. Maybe she is having it in hopes of soon becoming intimate with you? :confused: I dunno though, this is sounding way more psychological than physical, though that is clearly a component.
    A Hymenectomy (hymenotomy) is a minor medical procedure involving the surgical removal or opening of the hymen. It is done to treat imperforate hymen or other situations where the hymen is unusually thick or rigid in order to allow normal menstruation or sexual intercourse. Imperforate hymen can lead to hematometra or hematocolpos.
     
  12. Ruiner

    Ruiner Member

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    Just usual Catholic American with some seriously strict parents apparently.

    She said it is too thick. I feel horrible, because problems keep popping up, and I would feel horrible breaking it off without giving it a chance, but it's getting harder and harder.

    The insecurity and issues are not what I am looking for. Ack. This is no good. I know what I probably need to do, but am not sure if I can bring myself to do it just yet.
     
  13. dolfette

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    she has issues. maybe it'll get better but maybe it won't.

    you can either live with it moving, or not moving, at her pace,
    or you can't.

    she's not a bitch or stuck up or doing it on purpose, and she's not of less worth as a person, {contrary to the opinion of some of these bozos} but she IS someone who isn't going to be what you want her to be in the bedroom for the foreseeable future.

    so deal with it.
     
  14. Principessa

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    Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Run quickly from this gir,l it will not get better post surgery only worse. I dated a devout Catholic man for 12 years and it was a nightmare.
     
  15. cdog204

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    Personally, I would head for zee hillz and not look back. I'm 25, I'll be 26 next week. I've dated enough girls to know to stay the hell away from virgins past 20, super religious, and uptight girls. It just doesn't ever have any good outcome, and I don't want to waste my time while someone I marginally care for is dealing with their petty problems.
     
  16. FuzzyKen

    FuzzyKen New Member

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    My Friend,

    This is going to be a situation that has potential to go on for many years. Even if you get her over the hurdles initially she is going to bounce back into old habits. The fact is that this young lady needs some professional help. Maybe she will get it and maybe she will not. If she comes from a very strict background it will always be a cloud of guilt hanging over her head. This means that the re-appearance of clouds even with treatment might be more than a possibility.

    Many years ago before really coming to terms with my own orientation I dated a very great girl. She was bright, independent, had a great personality and had everything seemingly going for her.

    Now, on the other hand her parents were from the Northern Midwest, they attended church not regularly but by better definition "constantly" and had viewpoints on sexuality that were nothing short of amazing. This girl was one of three Sisters. The jokes among all three Sisters were always flying about "Mom". The middle Sister the night before her wedding was taken by "Mom" into the master bedroom of their home where twin beds were prominently displayed. She then starts a lecture to her then 30+ year old daughter about sex. The lecture started out: "You know Dear, after tomorrow night you won't be our little girl anymore." "As a wife, you are going to have to perform certain duties no matter how degrading they are." This woman made an act of love sound like the beginning of the Spanish Inquisition. The lecture she gave her daughter about sex described something that was never enjoyable, always painful, and was to her disgusting and degrading.

    Over time, I started to look very hard at this family. In spite of the jokes these were people with a great number of deap seated problems. Slowly I made an exit from the relationship. It was for many reasons one of the smartest things I have ever done. I still think very highly of this girl and would not hesitate to help her on a friendship basis. This engagement dated back to 1982. Since that time this wonderful young lady has been Married four times with none of the Marriages working. In spite of how great she was the residuals of the maniacally conservative upbringing left long lasting scars.

    Many people here have already given you great advice. Put on those track shoes and run as fast as you can to get away from a situation like this. The experiences you have had with her indicate deep psychological and emotional scarring from something. At 22, you need to move on to a person who has an upbringing similar to your own and to a person who shares your views on sexuality and the when and where. Be fair, but also remember that sustaining a relationship requires two people and a foundation. It is difficult enough to do without these kinds of issues. Don't tie yourself down to something that you will regret later. Walk away lovingly and kindly by walking slowly and cautiously.

    Good Luck
     
  17. dolfette

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    how is this a petty problem?
    it sounds pretty disabling when it comes to relationships.
    it's fine to bail if you don't want to deal with it. i think most of us would.
    but dismissing her issues as petty is just arseholishness.
     
  18. dolfette

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    good post.
    with these kinds of crippling issues,
    the girl needs a lot of time figuring herself out, talking to a therapist and fixing herself before she's ready to have the kind of loving relationship she wants.
     
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