Anyone experience this?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Not_Punny, Apr 11, 2008.

  1. Not_Punny

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    I've brought this up before, but not in detail. And a lot of people "frowned" on me, which is their right.

    But I want to know if anyone has gone through anything SIMILAR to this, and if they have any words of wisdom to offer.

    - - - - - -

    I am in an LTR where I am more or less REQUIRED to "cheat."

    Our sexual "glue" revolves around my having relations with other men. Either alone with the man, or in a threesome with the "other man" and my LTR.

    That doesn't mean that I do this frequently. But my guy talks about it all the time.

    He used to be over the moon about having sex with me -- but now, if the element of "other men" isn't present, he doesn't "get crazy" with/for me.

    I'm actually really sad about this. I can undress and he barely looks at me. I can get down on my knees and unzip his fly and (use your imagination), he'll get hard, but he'll barely touch me. And he doesn't reciprocate.

    But if he's just talked with another man about me, then he can't keep his hands off me. It kinda hurts because I don't feel like he's attracted to ME anymore. I feel that he's attracted to MEN'S attraction to me.

    What worries me is this: I'm a mom. Age-wise, I'm technically "over the hill". My looks aren't going to last forever.

    At some point, I'm going to become embarrassed about "having" to find/attract other men. (Or maybe, I'll still be foxy to older men when I'm older, and maybe that'll be satisfactory)

    Meantime, my guy is what I call "part-bi" -- he was sexually abused as a kid by his stepdad who used to make him suck his cock. A lot. Anyway, sucking cocks became part of his sexual wiring, and he enjoys talking about sucking cocks. He also, occasionally and very rarely, sucks a "clean cock" (e.g. a married man). Usually while the two of them are looking at photos of me or talking about double tagging me.

    (I know, weird.)

    Now, I'd much rather he suck a married man's dick than chase other women. Especially since he's in the public eye a lot, he's really good looking and women frequently pursue him.

    Yes, yes, you say -- why don't I just leave him?

    Because he's my best friend, and he's put up with a lot of shit from me over the years when I went through some gnarly phases -- and yet he's still here.

    We also work on some work projects together.

    Also, I'm a bit of a hermit. I would live in a cave, just me and my computer (I write and illustrate), if he didn't drag me out into the real world.

    - - - - -

    So -- is this a phase?

    Will he ever want ME again?

    Or am I doomed to forever courting other men in order to get MY man to look at me?
     
  2. ZOS23xy

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    Since human beings are not defined as absolutes in any sense, I understand your feelings. I still wander in a little grey area, my wife giving me permission to do "cheating", so long as she knows who it is, and she smiles her blessings. Currently, she still likes my old fiance' who still loves me but won't do anything for me 'cause I'm still married. (What did I say about absolutes?).

    Over the hill, as you say, is a little odd for the mind. Women have it easier than men; an old man trying to pick up women is a horror (I've have watched), and I can see your dilemma.

    Ever thought about what you need versus what you have?
     
  3. never hung

    never hung New Member

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    you really should look for someone else. i am an older man looking for something
     
  4. Principessa

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    It's not a phase and you can't change him. :frown1:

    I know what it's like to be with someone who is your friend and lover for a long time, yet know something is not right that you can't live with forever.

    I don't know how you feel; but I felt as if I had invested so much of myself, that to leave him would somehow make me a quitter. :rolleyes:
    I hate going to baseball games with people who leave at the start of the 9th inning because they don't want to sit in traffic. :12: Sometimes a lot happens in the last inning and I don't want to listen to it on the radio. However, if my team is down 8-1, then there is no point in watching them get trounced in person. You are down 20-1 in this relationship. It's not the 4th inning, it's the top of the 9th. It's time to leave.:cool:

    You sound unhappy, and he doesn't seem able to give you what you need to be happy. :redface: My advice is to cut bait. Don't waste another day, or worse, year waiting for him to change because it won't happen. He is physically unable to give you what you need.
     
  5. B_Demention

    B_Demention New Member

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    Sorry to hear of your troubles, NP. From what I gather, it becomes a very slippery slope once you start introducing other people into the relationship. I can't pretend to know the answer and I also don't know the intricacies of your togetherness so I will just say that I hope someone else here has gone through something similar so that you may at least relate to another.

    I've been in an LTR for about three and a half years now. As of very recently, we have agreed to branch out a little. This was at my insistence, as I could really no longer face the intensities of something so serious. She was always quite clingy and preferred to do everything together, whether grocery shopping or family gatherings, and it all seemed to be happening at an ever increasing frequency to the point where I felt I'd go mad if I never had my own space or looked at another woman again. In short, I felt too much pressure. Her letting herself go really hasn't helped either. She was such a catch when I first met her, and now it's all sweatpants and puppy dog breath (no offense to Rugbypup). I have tried to get her to glam herself up and introduce her to some new things sexually but she isn't really into any of it. Nor does she understand my need for space. If I tell her I really can't face going to aunt Wanda's birthday party, she cries and tells me her family's really important to her and that it'd look terrible if I wasn't there with her.

    It's tough because I like her in a friendly sort of way but I have a hard time getting excited for her, and when it comes down to it, that excitement is totally necessary to fuel desire and the whole wanting-to-work-everything-out. So we no longer sleep together (just fool around from time to time) and I have started talk to other people. I wish we could go back to being friends but once you've been in a relationship with that person and had sex with them, everything's different and you can't go back to that initial simplicity. It does make me a little sad to feel that this is likely going to be over soon, but at the same time, I fully acknowledge the need to just get right out of this situation. I just need to bite the bullet, but I'm hesitant to because of all the good things that we've done. As I've said before though, I just don't know whether it's enough to keep everything together. I've never been on the fence this much with anything before. She wants to work everything out but gets so sensitive when I try to address problems (without even pointing the finger at her) and bawls her eyes out when I suggest that we should end things definitively, with the end result that I feel like a giant asshole and wished I'd never said anything. So I'm really quite stuck myself.

    EDIT: I just realized this post looks like a hijack attempt, that certainly wasn't my intent. I know this stuff doesn't relate to NP's problems at all really, I've just had a lot on my mind with this situation and it seemed like a good relationship-talk type thread. Sometimes it feels good to write.
     
  6. Not_Punny

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    Good question.

    Honestly, I don't even get off when I do other men. I do it ONLY for the enjoyment of my s/o. (The male attention is flattering, but hey, I can get compliments other ways!)

    See pm.
     
  7. Jovial

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    I think part of the reason someone likes someone else is because that person is attractive to other people. I mean who would want to be with someone that no one else wants? But your situations seems to take it to the extreme. It's almost like forced prostitution.

    I'm sorry, I don't think I have any useful advice for you. I may come across as judgmental sometimes, but I really can accept whatever odd relationships people have. It sounds like you've already accepted a strange situation. It would be easy to say break up and find someone else, but it seems like maybe you couldn't find someone better. Or at least you don't think you could find someone else better that will accept you. You will never know unless you break up and try.
     
  8. Not_Punny

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    Sad.

    Thanks for the kind words, and I wish you luck. It's really hard, isn't it?

    PS: Maybe she won't like your new hairdo and it'll be a done deal! (j/k -- she probably loves the new 'do)
     
  9. B_josiah852

    B_josiah852 New Member

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    I agree with Njqt. You have spent a great deal of time making your s/o happy by sacrificing yourself. It's time to think about your own happiness. In looking at your pics, I am 110% positive that you would not have any trouble finding a man that would be willing to please you. If you are carrying baggage because of what this relationship has done to you, then you should also get a little counciling. I knew a couple in a very similar relationship that you two are in and she became a very unhappy person and he wasn't happy unless she was taking care of his emotions the way you take care of your s/o. You have a body that any man would love to please but you should find someone that would love you for who you are. Good luck.
     
  10. Not_Punny

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    You're right. I've accepted a strange situation.

    I guess one of the things holding me back from breaking up is that we DID break up once (seven years ago). We were apart for a few months. I was miserable, and everyone I dated was so bland -- I dig intensity, and my situation with this guy is definitely intense.

    Of course, it didn't help that he kept calling me, wanting to know what happened on my dates... :eek: (That should have been the writing on the wall!!!!!!!)
     
  11. Principessa

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  12. Not_Punny

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    Good point, QT.

    I'm not, strictly speaking, unhappy with the situation. I'm unhappy because I can't see it lasting -- nobody's looks last forever. And in my mind, his love is conditional on my ability to attract men.

    But for all I know, the opposite is true. What if he pursues these things because he thinks it's the only way to get MY attention/intensity? (He said something of that sort about a month ago)

    - - - - -

    I think I'm going to quit whining and look at it differently.

    As Wayne Dyer says, "When you change the way you look at something, that thing you're looking at changes."

    I'm going to start focusing on what I (underlined) want, and if he plays ball, fine. If he doesn't, siyanora.

     
  13. Captain Elephant

    Captain Elephant Active Member

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    NP, it might well be a phase, but it sounds like it's going to be a long one. I agree with the others that once you're allowed to stray outside the relationship the more grass you see the greener it's going to seem.

    I have been sorely tempted many times, and I know my wife has been hit on many, many times, but we've been pretty true to our commitment. That's not to say everything's smooth and hunky-dory; quite the contrary - we have more than our share of airing our differences in extremely loud dialogue.

    But I've never been tempted to walk away. She's a mom, too, of a 17-year-old daughter. I've seen tighter butts and smoother faces, but she's mine and I'll challenge any pretenders to the throne. But there are times when I just don't feel like it, and this could last a while. And there are times when I just cannot get her interested, and that dry spell seems to last forever.

    Our dry spells do have limits, though, but it sounds like yours may be something different. Sounds like his bi nature is off balance and tipping in the other direction. Sorry that I don't have any recommendations for tipping the scale back.

    Wifey and I like to indulge each other's fantasies, but there are definite limits. Going outside the relationship is number one; the butt thing is number two. But we do our best to spice things up. Same ol' same ol' gets boring after a while, and one of us usually gets a wild hair to knock the other completely off their feet.

    So you can wait it out or kidnap him and force a resolution. Wifey knows what I need when it comes to breaking me out of a slump, but I have to admit that I grasp at straws when it comes to moving her. But I'm usually successful because I never do the same thing twice (truth is I never remember what I did that worked last time).

    Good luck, NP. I'm hoping that both of you find what you both need.
     
  14. Not_Punny

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    Thanks for the kind words, sir. :wink:

    It's a bit of yes and no re the happiness/unhappiness.

    I enjoy the excitement of the "game" -- it's really intense. :rolleyes:

    What I'm NOT enjoying is the feeling that it's all borrowed time. That it can't last because it's impossible for my looks to last.

    But don't ALL women go through that, don't they?

    I need to revise my philosophy, I think. Not necessarily swap in the guy for a more "normal" edition.
     
  15. Not_Punny

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    Thanks, Captain Elephant.

    I appreciate the reassurance. I think I'll wait it out, and maybe change the rules a bit so that MY fantasies are also played out.

    PS: Kudos to you and your wife!!
     
  16. Jovial

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    I meant what we find attractive is influenced by what other people find attractive. Just look at different cultures throughout time. Whether that influence is 10% or 50% I don't know. In N_P's situation, her boyfriend appears to get turned on only by knowing that other men want her, so that accounts for almost 100% of why he is attracted to her.

    On the other hand, maybe he is turned on by the fact that she is willing to do sexual acts with other men for his enjoyment. Meaning it's not so much that he likes to see other men want her, but the fact that she is doing something that other women wouldn't be willing to do. So in his mind it shows how much she likes him.
     
  17. AlteredEgo

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    This statement makes me wonder if you've never even discussed your concerns with him. Are you afraid to? When he said whatever he said about a month ago, did you not ask him about it then? Why not?


    I have clients (I am a phone sex op specializing in domination and humiliation) just like him, and even dated someone like him once (though I never allowed his fantasies to become a part of my reality). In my experience it's not a phase, but rather something that escalates. The one I dated wanted to give me an enormous diamond ring and watch men disregard it at bars. He was very insistent, and while I liked the idea in fantasy, I just can't do it! We talked about it a lot, and the drive for him was really some emotional baggage he needed to get over without me. On the other hand, I really wasn't ready to be in a monogamous relationship anyway, especially not one as complicated as that one would have been. The shame of it is what a wonderful, sweet, tender guy he is.

    I wonder if you can find your guy's source of hurt if there is one and help him get past it. I wonder if he would feel or think differently if he knew better how you really feel about your sex life right now.
     
  18. Not_Punny

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    LOL -- good point, Jovial. Could be a little bit of both.
     
  19. itsallaboutme

    itsallaboutme New Member

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    I feel like giving you a hug puny...you are a beautiful woman w/lots to offer...dont sell yourself short. Do your self a favor and spend some time working on you...he'll want you then when he sees with a little clearer vision. No offense but, he sounds like an asshole.
     
  20. Not_Punny

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    Thanks so much for chiming in, AE. (I was hoping you would!)

    We've discussed stopping quite a few times. He always insists that it's NOT something that he needs. But in my opinion, that's not the truth because our sex life fizzles every time we "stop."

    I don't think it comes from a past hurt, per se. He was physically and sexually abused as a child and teen, but it really doesn't seem to have any effect on him, other than an extreme dislike of arguments.

    I think it's just that it makes it very intense.

    By writing my responses (excuses) (!) to people comments here, I've come to understand a bit more about myself and the situation. I figure that I need to try some different things/approaches to create the same intensity. It'd be good to know that I can get the desired connection/intensity through multiple means.

    Experimentation, if you will. :rolleyes:
     
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