Anyone Had Any Success with Polygamy?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by rawrg, Jun 3, 2011.

  1. rawrg

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    Some background: I've always been a monogamist (just because it's the norm) who has never cheated on anyone I've been with, and I am now currently engaged. We are compatible in every way except sexually, she's bisexual with a preference towards women and I tend to hurt her a lot during sex. That being said, our friendship and our ability to live together and love each other is certainly the best I've ever experienced. Our relationship is just so easy compared to others because we understand each other and don't let little things become big problems. That said, our sex life is a bit lacking lately. It's gotten to the point where our mutual lack of interest has kind of shut things down sexually for a long time.

    So anyways, we've always talked about polygamy, possibly bringing other people into the bedroom occasionally or even seeing others. We're not the jealous type, and we're realists who expect that we won't be together until we die simply because people change over the years and so do their desires. Also the divorce rate tends to back up that belief that trying to be solely committed forever is at the very best difficult, or at the very worst, naive.

    And then there's her old childhood friend who is in a polygamic relationship with her husband and another girl. They've only been doing this for roughly a year, and while there are some issues, it hasn't seemed to be any more tumultuous that a typical monogamic relationship. Also, on a side note, my fiance had a crush on this girl for years when she was younger. Her friend is also bisexual, however they never got together just due to timing.

    Now maybe I'm reading into things too much, but recently it seems like my fiance is shifting things in the direction of something happening. Kind of like how we sometimes say something as a joke when it's what we really mean, about how she might have to "stud me out". Also her friend has been talking to me more one on one lately, finding reasons to make physical contact and giving me some prolonged eye contact when we're in group situations. I've also been reciprocating this attention by trying to be generally charming / funny bordering on the flirtatious.

    Obviously, I'm not doing anything without my fiance's blessing (or assistance :biggrin1:). If we get to a point where I just want to be with someone else and not her, I'll break up with her like an adult rather than just run off with someone else. It's just that I love her and understand that sometimes people have problems with stuff like sex.

    My question is have any of you ever made something like this work, or does it end up being a relationship killing drama fest? Also do I sound like a naive idiot, or a quasi-realist with delusions of grandeur? I understand it would be complicated, but life is complicated and the current sex life we've got is pretty tepid at the moment.

    What say ye?
     
  2. Original English Thick Cut

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    Realist with a mature view.
     
  3. fire77

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    I am in a polyandry relationship but only for sexual reasons. So far its working great for us.
     
  4. monel

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    The polygamy issue aside, don't get married. You guys may be best friends but based on what you said, I don't think a marriage is likely to work. Sorry. Just my opinion and I could be wrong.
     
  5. vlls

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    I have to say I agree with monel... not judging or anything but I think there should be sexual interest at this point in your relationship
     
  6. G_U

    G_U New Member

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    While I have limited experience myself, I have three friends who live together. Two of them are legally married to each other and the third joined the relationship at a later point. They are in a very loving relationship. It's actually adorable when they talk about each other. They have been going strong roughly 5 years at this point, so some people have had success with polygamy, yes.
     
  7. Over-reaching

    Over-reaching Active Member

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    One could of course quote:

    [Sorry about that. :wink:]
     
  8. Not_Punny

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    Polygamy is when someone has multiple wives.

    I think you are talking about an "open relationship" or a polyamorous relationship, the difference being the amount of rules and sharing and trust.

    - - - - -

    According to Wikipedia:

    Quote: The defining characteristic of polyamory is belief in the possibility of, and value of, multiple romantic loving relationships carried out "with the knowledge and consent of all partners concerned."[3] What distinguishes polyamory from traditional forms of non-monogamy (i.e. "cheating") is an ideology that openness, goodwill, intense communication, and ethical behavior should prevail among all the parties involved. Powerful intimate bonding among three or more persons may occur. Some consider polyamory to be, at its root, the generalization of romantic couple-love beyond two people into something larger and more fundamental.[4][5]

    Unquote

    Being in a SOMEWHAT polyamorous relationship ("somewhat" because we aren't "close" with our other partners), I can and will say that it is perfectly workable.
     
  9. Barely Big

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    I'm fairly good friends with a woman in a polyamorous marriage. She's married with a child now, so I think they've since become more monogamous due to practical limitations, but they seem to really love one another and make things work.

    I think it takes a LOT of maturity and an ability to not get jealous over things of the relationship or sexual nature. It's probably a pretty uncommon mix, but I absolutely think polyamory can work for the right people.
     
  10. James Duncan

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    I am faced with a similar situation, rawrg. I hope you can find a way to pull off a polyamorous relationship, and that the sex is great. If you do, please update us, I would like to hear more successful testimonies.
     
  11. VernalTiger

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    I'll put my hand up for open relationships. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years, open for the last 2. We talked about it, a lot, before anything happened. Constantly, even. Lots of questions, lots of what-ifs. The best thing about all those prelude chats is that it opened the communication channels - we let each other know if we're planning to see someone, report home safe, all that.

    He had a few regular girls but I was more short-term relationships. This put him more "at risk" of forming another relationship, but to be honest we're fulfilled with each other at home, apart from the desire to be close to other people occasionally.

    The main issues are to keep communication channels open, and be brutally honest with yourself and with her. I can't predict whether an open relationship will be right for you both, but if you're honest and open with each other, it could be the start of something beautiful.
     
  12. D_Huge Grant

    D_Huge Grant New Member

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    I agree with VernalTiger - couldn't say anything better. It seems that you both already know of your sexual issues and I believe having an open communication about your feelings. Having a honest and open communication on many levels will amaze you because it is honest and open, rather than suppress your original intentions and going by about. Maybe you two will end up discussing options or bringing either MMF or MFF sexual into play rather than have a deep committed relationship that is based on sexual relationship which doesn't do you any good.
    That is my take...Good luck!
     
  13. D_Alec_Baldtwins

    D_Alec_Baldtwins Account Disabled

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    I just read a great quote: "A spouse is someone who helps you solve problems you wouldn't have if you hadn't gotten married in the first place."
     
  14. SJP85

    SJP85 New Member

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    there's no doubt polygamy can work, just not in the 21st Century Western world.
     
  15. VernalTiger

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    What makes you say that, SJP85?

    Personal experience?
    Statistics?
    Research?
    First-hand accounts?
    Personal bias?

    Because it's working for me just fine, actually.
     
  16. nakedone

    nakedone New Member

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    A more practical form of "marriage" in my opinion would be between one woman and two or more men!

    She would have more than one man to provide for her financially and to do all those chores around the house. And the men would be relieved of some of the pressure to "perform" because he would have those brother-husbands to help out.

    As we all know, a woman can fuck more often than a man. After a guy comes once, it takes him a while to recuperate. So, the "other guy" could take over while he is resting. This way the men would still get all the fucking they wanted, and the woman, unlike most of her sisters, would also get as much fucking as she wanted.

    The perfect solution.
     
  17. redbear52

    redbear52 New Member

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    I had a polyamorous relationship with a woman for several years that worked out pretty well. She was quite smitten with another man and was hoping he would propose to her but he never did. Her relationship with the other guy was on again, off again.

    We were very fond of each other, and I suspect some would say we were in love, but for a variety of reasons apart from her rapture with the other guy, we realized that we would never be life partners.

    She more or less controlled our relationship, and there were longish periods of time (sometimes months) during which I never heard from her. I assume that during these periods she was with her main squeeze, or possibly other guys as well. For my part, I was dating and having sex with other women but did not really have another long-term relationship during those years.

    Then I would get a call from her out of the blue asking me if I wanted to come over and spend the night. These days, I suppose I would have been called a friend with benefits. But we also spent time together doing the types of things normal couples would do such as going out to eat, or to movies, or the zoo, etc. and once took a week vacation together.

    I never met the other guy, and we never asked each other what the other had been up to when we were apart. At times I thought to myself that I was being "used", but I enjoyed her company and friendship, enjoyed the sex, and I was getting laid so what the hell?
     
  18. redbear52

    redbear52 New Member

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    I guess it depends on the woman. Just because a woman may have the physiological potential to have intercourse more frequently than men does not mean she has the desire to do so.

    I had girlfriends who for about 4 days out of the month wanted to fuck 5 times a day. The remainder of the month they would have preferred to go bowling.

    I have joked with a couple of female lovers that every woman needs to have three men (at least) with different penis sizes that are the best match for her various orifices.
     
  19. B_bi_mmf

    B_bi_mmf New Member

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    My wife and I lived in a MMF menage for three years. It was emotionally and sexually very satisfying.

    It ended over issues of coming out to our families and the whole question of how having children would work.

    The two of us remained close to the guy we had lived with and in fact are the godparents of his son.

    In the absence of a good sex life between the OP and his girlfriend, I am not optimistic that bringing a third person into the relationship would make things better.
     
  20. B_Marius567

    B_Marius567 New Member

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    people in to Polygamy should be in jail!!!!

    if one man has 4 wifes there are 3 lonly men that can not find a wife!!
     
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