I'm 30 and consider myself straight. I still struggle with some temptations to experiment after close calls through out my life. I am 100% not into guys beyond that, in some ways I wish I was to make this all easier. I apologize in advance for my life story, but I would like everyone's thoughts.
It all really goes back to when I was younger me and my best friend would wrestle around a lot. One day we watched some porn before. Then when we started wrestling it turned into a game of who could hurt each other the most where. We both went low and after awhile it also became more like we were just getting our dicks played with. We moved things to his bed and just started jacking each other some. I was pretty sheltered and had never even done anything before. I felt so great and I guess he was too because he wanted to do more, but I got nervous and we just ended up stopping instead. Afterwards it was all I could think about though. We tried to mess around a few more times, but I would always get nervous. That was that for awhile.
I thought about trying stuff with other friends later on, but didn't really find anyone until later. My close friend always use to joke sexually so I called him on something he said and later that night staying over he asked if I was serious. I ended up just playing with his dick a little under the covers. We couldn't do anything else because his brother was asleep in the room too. We tried to do more, even to the point of me having his dick in my mouth, but we would never get far because he would get all homophobic. He was all about playing head games and would always try to get me to try again, but did so by joking and trying to bait me into asking. He ended up telling a twisted side of it to our youth group. Said I asked to suck him, but left everything else out. I finally was able to get it to die down before it got out to anyone else. A couple of them still won't talk to me. I let it all go for awhile.
I end up trying to look online, but besides finding a couple of people here and there to talk to or jack off with on camera, nothing really happens. I then have a friend start texting me one night like he wants to open up to me about something. He ends up telling me about some of his feelings about guys so I open up and tell him about mine. These goes on for a few days then I start hearing some of the conversations get back to me through our other friends. Turns out it was all a joke from him and another friend. This all was happening in my very close circle of friends. It eventually got out a little farther then that too. My world came crashing down, I thought everything was over and this was the lowest point in my life. I wanted to die (not kill myself, but just wanted to die). I eventually was able to play it all off like I was just trying to get him to trust me.
Don't mistake this all for me not being into girls because I was. I am just very conservative and I guess someone hypocritical by only being interested in sex with them when I am in a long term relationship. Maybe I saw this as an easier outlet for my hormones, either way I feel the curiosity and the regret of not finishing experimenting grew stronger with each close call. I also have OCD, which I think adds to it big time. Mix that with my need to always want to be there for people and make them feel good and these urges take over non-stop sometimes.
I end up going down the rabbit hole more and more by visiting Grindr and Craigslist. I even made a fake Facebook hoping to just find a friend or friend of a friend that might be willing to experiment without anyone knowing it was me at first. I am in an awkward middle on most of that because not only am I not into dating, but because I am conservative, I am not really wanting to go out on a limb with someone who wants to screw right that second. Anyone in-between seems to be fake or a jerk. Got to love people always tying to "out me" or even straight up blackmail me. Did I mention the daily lectures from people telling me I don't belong and to leave or the ones laughing at me saying that I am gay and just in denial? I end up in a dark fog of depression every time then I finally am able to break it and just forget about everything for awhile. Of course just until I can't keep those thoughts back any longer, most of the time when I am at the beach or just around a bunch of drunk guys. I guess those type situations get my wheels turning. Regardless I feel like this is a cycle I can't break and it is holding me back from moving on.
Any one have something similar or just want to share some thoughts or advice?
It all really goes back to when I was younger me and my best friend would wrestle around a lot. One day we watched some porn before. Then when we started wrestling it turned into a game of who could hurt each other the most where. We both went low and after awhile it also became more like we were just getting our dicks played with. We moved things to his bed and just started jacking each other some. I was pretty sheltered and had never even done anything before. I felt so great and I guess he was too because he wanted to do more, but I got nervous and we just ended up stopping instead. Afterwards it was all I could think about though. We tried to mess around a few more times, but I would always get nervous. That was that for awhile.
I thought about trying stuff with other friends later on, but didn't really find anyone until later. My close friend always use to joke sexually so I called him on something he said and later that night staying over he asked if I was serious. I ended up just playing with his dick a little under the covers. We couldn't do anything else because his brother was asleep in the room too. We tried to do more, even to the point of me having his dick in my mouth, but we would never get far because he would get all homophobic. He was all about playing head games and would always try to get me to try again, but did so by joking and trying to bait me into asking. He ended up telling a twisted side of it to our youth group. Said I asked to suck him, but left everything else out. I finally was able to get it to die down before it got out to anyone else. A couple of them still won't talk to me. I let it all go for awhile.
I end up trying to look online, but besides finding a couple of people here and there to talk to or jack off with on camera, nothing really happens. I then have a friend start texting me one night like he wants to open up to me about something. He ends up telling me about some of his feelings about guys so I open up and tell him about mine. These goes on for a few days then I start hearing some of the conversations get back to me through our other friends. Turns out it was all a joke from him and another friend. This all was happening in my very close circle of friends. It eventually got out a little farther then that too. My world came crashing down, I thought everything was over and this was the lowest point in my life. I wanted to die (not kill myself, but just wanted to die). I eventually was able to play it all off like I was just trying to get him to trust me.
Don't mistake this all for me not being into girls because I was. I am just very conservative and I guess someone hypocritical by only being interested in sex with them when I am in a long term relationship. Maybe I saw this as an easier outlet for my hormones, either way I feel the curiosity and the regret of not finishing experimenting grew stronger with each close call. I also have OCD, which I think adds to it big time. Mix that with my need to always want to be there for people and make them feel good and these urges take over non-stop sometimes.
I end up going down the rabbit hole more and more by visiting Grindr and Craigslist. I even made a fake Facebook hoping to just find a friend or friend of a friend that might be willing to experiment without anyone knowing it was me at first. I am in an awkward middle on most of that because not only am I not into dating, but because I am conservative, I am not really wanting to go out on a limb with someone who wants to screw right that second. Anyone in-between seems to be fake or a jerk. Got to love people always tying to "out me" or even straight up blackmail me. Did I mention the daily lectures from people telling me I don't belong and to leave or the ones laughing at me saying that I am gay and just in denial? I end up in a dark fog of depression every time then I finally am able to break it and just forget about everything for awhile. Of course just until I can't keep those thoughts back any longer, most of the time when I am at the beach or just around a bunch of drunk guys. I guess those type situations get my wheels turning. Regardless I feel like this is a cycle I can't break and it is holding me back from moving on.
Any one have something similar or just want to share some thoughts or advice?
