Anyone know of a specific site on

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by MidwestGal, Dec 7, 2008.

  1. MidwestGal

    MidwestGal Member

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    legal advice for visitation? I am finally able to start my divorce, the divorce itself will be uncontested and we have been separated for 2.6 years. Originally, for custody he had wanted every other Christmas day and 2 months in the summer....I said no way. But now, I live within driving distance (my driving as he has no vehicle).

    So in this time, said young child has had adjustment issues, an ill mom who stays on top of everything to make sure he has a good support system should I not have a few days I am doing bad or in the hospital. He is in a community he knows and has known his whole life and sees other blood relatives 2-5 times a week or goes to play near where we were living as he still has good friends there.

    He is all mixed up inside with resentment, anger, and at times aggression when it comes to his father. I suggested he call to say thank you as it is the proper thing to do for receiving a birthday card and gift card. Well, he got the voice mail, through the phone and cried for 45 minutes. He has done this on the 3 occasions "father" has called him. He has gone as far as telling family members, neighbors, and family friends that his father is dead for the past 2 years.

    In 2.6 years, his father has seen him once. I have offered more visitation to "try" to be nice but he always had some schedule excuse...mind you he is unemployed most of the time. He has sent 3 or 4 cards/letter including ones with comments berating me. He has called but never for more than 5 minutes. If his son meant so much to him I think he should have made more of an effort than now stating he wants standard custody with every other weekend and so many months in the summer. I think he is a deadbeat leech who is mooching off of society and using my son as a pawn to hurt me but is really hurting our son which greatly pisses me off.

    I want to wait on the visitation portion of the case until my son has been thoroughly evaluated and started treatments with coping and adaptability. I can only imagine the crap that went on at home while I was working. I finally got to the point I put him with a baby sitter the last few months we were under a roof (which I had asked him to leave 6 months earlier.

    I am trying to provide a stable environment for him right now and I think if deadbeat is back in the picture everything will just escalate further than it has. I am fearful of what he is going to do or say to that child or what my son may reveal about those sessions during the time with him.

    If I have to let him see him. I want the following conditions met. Working a steady job, not through a temp agency, son has his own bedroom, him to provide transportation in a safe and insured vehicle. Plus, he has to let me know about any plans of leaving the state. I really would like the therapist to have a say in what he thinks my child is ready for or what he thinks will happen if a judgment were given. I have gone to a third party source as a way to try to get my son the help he needs plus learn the skills he is still having healthy and productive relationships with others the future. I'm not doing it for leverage up on his father (though I honestly wouldn't) mind a little break The fact remains it's 2.6 years later, he's still unemployed, my state forced child support comes out of his wage garnishment and he has made no effort to see his son or make the time for him, yet he always blames me for it.

    Sorry to vent, I'm at my whits end. I am not in the financial position to hire a lawyer much other than go over the forms I have already filled out. I am suppose to keep my stress level down and this is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. All I want the best for is my child. I fear forcing him at this point would make matters worse.

    Anyone have any suggestions of legal sites or insight on the situation. I have a solid support system behind me should I get sick and be in the hospital a few days. I don't have a life threatening disability just a huge annoyance that makes daily living much harder that it should be. Yet, I have always made sure my son had a roof over his head and medical attention when he needed it, or went hungry so he could eat.

    Thanks
     
  2. Smallbutbig

    Smallbutbig New Member

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    I was touched by your message. I have two sons twins...and they are now 8. Speaking as a father...I never made any demands and allowed the sons to be with mother for as much as possible. Then my sons grew up wanting to know more so my visits are more often and we email each other whenever...It works. Though by no means easy.

    Reading your narrative I suspect that relations between u and hubby is not good, and that is the first thing you need to deal with and not allow your boy to get involved. He does not deserve this pulling and pushing regardless.

    Dont make demands of the hubby that he cannot meet, ie job and etc...get over it and let him be.

    Then only then you must and need to understand that your boy is growing up and has a right to know his father. If his father is as bad as you claim your boy will make up his mind in the end. Until then do nothing to put his father down your boy will turn against you rightly or wrongly if you do.

    In the meantime divorce and concentrate on your life and find yourself a decent man with whom you can trust and allow him/her to be the new "father figure" that will pay dividends...... believe me!! Most important that you provide a happy home.

    Kids are not stupid. Far better to be honest and allow them to make decisions. They will become good decent adults in the long term.

    I am proud of my sons and how they cope with this seperate lives but they are comfortable and are happy with this lifestyle which in many ways makes them interesting guys....

    I am seeing them for Xmas Eve, then they join their mother and maternal grandparents on Xmas day, and all is coming back to mine on Boxing Day...it can work and there is no need to involve the kids in the mess of a relationship gone wrong. Thats your problem not your kid's.
     
  3. MidwestGal

    MidwestGal Member

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    I agree with you on a lot of points. I do not berate my father son in front of him or let others do it either. Like it or not, that is his birthday parent and while under my roof he will treat him with respect regardless off how I feel.

    My son is highly intuitive and intelligent for his age and remembers almost anything that has been said to him. The last thing he remembered my soon to ex yelling at me down the driveway after I had my mom and sister in law take him to say good bye was the "tell that bitch she owes me a new dvd player and tv." Well what happend was I had asked him to retreve the monitor from the room, I did not know he cord was under the tv and both items fell on me. I was still kind of shocked both hit me in the head an back when he comes in swing at me. 4 larger relatives took him down to the ground until he cooled off. I was lucky my son was at a friends house when that specific incedent happened.

    I have send his family pictures, email update, and everything the entire time just trying to keep them informed of his "progress" in trying to stay civil with everyone. I have yet to get a thank you from anyone of them other than a request for then to stay informed, yet since no thank you and mostly no birthday or christmas cards for himeher. The are to consumed with drinking and showing the dogs than seeing their grandchildren. I've always tried to be civil unless I am provoked with a major threat. But I think I have taken the higher road on this situation compared to most.
     
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