Anyone on here don't talk to one or both parents?

Discussion in 'Et Cetera, Et Cetera' started by eyescream, Dec 13, 2009.

  1. eyescream

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    (Nomadic...relocating again very soon)
    My parents have done such horrible things to each other and to me. I would definitely say I come from a disfunctional family. I no longer talk to my dad and it's been years since he and I last spoke. I don't hate him or anything, he just hasn't really been there for me so he's just faded out of my life.

    Anyone on here aren't in speaking terms with one or both parents? Care to share your reasons?
     
  2. blg3floor3

    blg3floor3 New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 5, 2008
    Messages:
    205
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    AZ
    I am on speaking terms with them. I just don't. I used to love them both to pieces, but when I visited my dad when I was 17, he pissed me off with some ignorant shit (and I haven't seen him since, but I call for holidays, birthdays, etc. because he guilt trips me otherwise).

    As for my mom, I've talked to her on the phone maybe twice since we both moved out from the apartment I grew up in back in April. After 10 years of wanting to get away from her, I finally have. Too many years of psychological neglect, mistreatment, and indifference has left me not really caring or having any affection for her. For the past few years she's been kind of trying, but it's 10 years too late.

    She claimed to love us and all that shit, but growing up, she acted more like we were an expensive material responsibility rather than a beloved offspring. Sure, if I went missing for a few hours she'd panic, but it was more akin to losing your friend's dog after taking your eye off him for a few moments and thinking omfg-im-going-to-be-in-deep-shit, rather than an omg-ive-lost-my-child-im-so-devastated-please-god-where-is-he kind of thing. She was more like the "FUCK, I've got a kid now. Well...it IS kind of cute...awwwww :)" person, rather than the "OMFG! I've got a kid! Finally! I'm a parent! Woo hoo!" person. Personally, I WANT kids. SHE simply got knocked up.

    So I really don't have any sort of connection or affection for them anymore. They're more like those acquaintances from school or work that you were physically together with for several years, but that you rarely or never keep in touch with again after that because you really had no real connection with each other in the first place, other than happening to both go to school together or work together.
     
  3. YoungHungMachine

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2009
    Messages:
    522
    Likes Received:
    2
    Havent talked to my mother in 4 years. She used to abuse me as a child. Once I was old enough to make my own choices I just cut out contact with her.
     
  4. wallyj84

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,750
    Likes Received:
    687
    I don't talk to my father. He abandoned me when I was just a baby and never tried to be a part of my life while I was growing up. He has tried to contact me recently and start some kind of relationship, but I have no interest in communicating with him.
     
  5. ghb69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    1,116
    Albums:
    6
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    PA USA
    I don't talk to either of my parents. My father died 45 years ago and my mother died 20 years ago. They are missed, so if your parents are living forgive then and talk to them or you might not have the chance. Life is shorter than you think.
     
    #5 ghb69, Dec 14, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2009
  6. D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov

    D_Anton_Pavlovich_Jerkhov Account Disabled

    Joined:
    May 31, 2009
    Messages:
    305
    Likes Received:
    0
    Like GHB above, I don't talk anymore to either of my parents, because they are both gone. Yet, I often "meet" them, especially in my dreams, and then we can "talk" without masks. I recommend reading any book by David Reynolds or about Constructive Living. There is a site, too. He can show you, with great accuracy, that in some cases, it is more appropriate to apologize to one's parents rather than forgiving them. Right or wrong, you owe your life to them.
     
  7. Enid

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 3, 2008
    Messages:
    4,402
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    181
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    My home is wherever reality seems elastic and the
    I haven't spoken with my father in 3 months (since his birthday). The last time I spoke with him, he threw me out of his house saying I couldn't be his daughter anymore because I voted for Obama (he is the staunchest of conservatives). His dementia is getting worse. Pretty soon he will have to be hospitalized.
     
  8. pussnboots

    pussnboots New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 29, 2009
    Messages:
    100
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    eastern US
    I haven't spoken to my mom in years. She's bi-polar, and after a while, years, probably, of her going off on me, and managing to hurt me repeatedly, I cut away from her. If I'm not in contact with her or my half sister and haven't been for close to 7 years. It's painful at times, but only because I wish I could have them in my life, but the reality of them is not healthy.
     
  9. eyescream

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 22, 2009
    Messages:
    1,101
    Likes Received:
    1
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    (Nomadic...relocating again very soon)
    I appreciate the sharing, it really is comforting to know I'm not the only one in this. Ghb69 and Joca - I do want to forgive my parents for hurting me so much. It just gets so painful sometimes. I will do some reading, never head of David Reynolds but surely that can't hurt.
     
  10. Joll

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Messages:
    14,522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    723
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wales (GB)
    I get on much better w/my Dad than I do with me Mum. She's not a bad person, just very intrusive - and I had to basically cut myself off from her emotionally in order to survive.
     
  11. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,610
    Likes Received:
    5
    Yup. Constructive Living is a great therapy ... actually a combination of two Japanese therapies, one focusing on one's ability to continue acting in accordance with duty and responsibility even when one doesn't feel like it, and the other focusing on the appreciation one owes to others.

    You can't choose your feelings, but you can choose your actions ... and becoming adult has a lot to do with understanding that you have to do what needs doing regardless of whether doing so appeals to you or not.

    This is a very simple lesson, but almost no one has really gotten it. (I haven't.)

    The appreciation aspect reflects the fact that no one is really self made. You owe your life to your parents, your language to all those who taught you, your education to teachers, school board and the peeps who built the schools, your possessions to inventors, people working in factories, shippers putting products on trucks or trains ships, and so forth.

    If you're looking for life to rain riches down upon you, you're going to be disappointed most of the time.

    If you understand that you are being constantly gifted, whether you are conscious of it or not, life can start to have an unexpected richness.

    Here are some sayings that express part of what Constructive Living is about:


    Constructive Living Quotes

    You don't need to fight your fears or discover hidden ones.

    Fear of flying is no reason to avoid air travel.

    For all your dreams you are what you do.

    Feelings fade over time unless restimulated by complaining or other circumstances.

    You can't build a life on feeling good all the time.

    Confidence follows success; it need not come before.

    You must take responsibility for what you do no matter what you feel.

    You can change your past by changing what you do now.

    No one really knows why humans do what they do.

    The optimal mind isn't always peaceful or blissful; it is flexible.

    Feelings don't need to be fixed.

    The myth of the self-made person is bankrupt.

    When we lose ourselves in constructive activity, our neurotic suffering is gone.

    Those who want success most have the greatest fear of failure.

    There is nothing wrong with dreaming, unless we only dream.

    Effort is already success.

    Neurotic suffering grows from self-centeredness, misplaced attention.

    Life always implies desires that exceed realistic limits.

    Forgiving your parents is trivial; seeking their forgiveness is more valuable to you.

    Don't hope to eliminate neurotic suffering by talk or medication.

    Reality doesn't respond directly to thought or intent, only to action.

    Learn How To

    Distinguish between what is controllable and what is uncontrollable in your life.

    Develop more self-discipline in daily life.

    Set goals and stay focused on your priorities.

    Acknowledge and accept those aspects of life that are beyond your direct control.

    Recognize the specific ways in which your life is supported by people and things.

    Gather information from feelings without being governed by them.

    Live life more realistically.

    Do what needs doing.

    Focus on living well regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.

    Review your past from a fresh perspective.​
    Handle life crises sensibly.​
     
    #11 D_Gunther Snotpole, Dec 16, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2009
  12. D_Tim McGnaw

    D_Tim McGnaw Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Aug 30, 2009
    Messages:
    7,317
    Likes Received:
    8
    Is that constructive living Rubi ? Or is it merely common sense ? I find it dubious that someone somewhere is making money from peddling basic common sense and truisms. ;)
     
  13. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,730
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    That twinge in your intestines
    I'm not going to talk to either damned one of your strange, worthless, abusive parents.
     
  14. Joll

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Messages:
    14,522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    723
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wales (GB)
    Mine have been stalking you, Hicks - and they want to adopt... :wink:
     
  15. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,730
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    That twinge in your intestines
    They gave good head until I pushed them down the stairs.
     
  16. Joll

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Messages:
    14,522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    723
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wales (GB)
    Yep, I agree with this, Rubes. Maybe being adult is also moving on from your past, and realising you can take responsibility for the present, and how you deal with things (choosing your actions, I guess).

    I do tend to dwell on things that have hurt, a bit too much sometimes - but it always feels better when you're able to shove it behind ya, and get on with positive things. Feeling sorry for myself less, would be good. :tongue:

    I do think tho, you have the right to decide what you do and don't do to a certain extent, so if you feel something is counterproductive or not worthwhile, you have the right to decline to do it (not really talking about when people are dependent on you).
     
  17. Joll

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Messages:
    14,522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    723
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wales (GB)
    LOL! Guess it's impossible to out-hick Hickboy. :rolleyes:
     
  18. B_Hickboy

    B_Hickboy New Member

    Joined:
    Jul 13, 2005
    Messages:
    10,730
    Likes Received:
    5
    Location:
    That twinge in your intestines
    Well, it was a 'try before you buy' situation. How can i let them be my mama and daddy if I don't now how good the sex will be?
     
  19. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2005
    Messages:
    14,610
    Likes Received:
    5
    Well, can it not be both?
    But the fact is that virtually everyone is walking around, constantly living in the past, redressing old grievances, fantasizing about what they should have done ... or, if they're turned to the future, fantasizing about the penthouses and limousines that will come, rather than looking at the actions they can perform now to bring a vision of the future closer. (Some peeps are even sillier, choosing to fantasize about how the future will be even worse than the present.)
    This therapy doesn't just state what I gave in my post.
    They have techniques that bring a deep and textured realization to the practitioner.
    Which is the next point: These are actual practices that one maintains, hopefully.

    Hilaire, all wisdom is simple. But that doesn't mean that no one should be offering wisdom.
    After all, how many peeps are wise?
    We have our moments, all of us ... but most of the time we're not squeezing life's orange in the way we know we could.


    Of course, joll.
    I wouldn't doubt any of that for a second.
    You shouldn't do anything that is counterproductive or not worthwhile.
    My point, though, is that there is an immense number of things that we know have real point and will benefit us greatly.
    But we seldom use this next moment, and now this one, to get on with the task(s).
    We are too bound up in feelings that are robotic and repetitious.
    Nothing wrong with any feeling, mind you.
    But feelings shouldn't interfere with our doing what we recognize is best for us and others.
     
    #19 D_Gunther Snotpole, Dec 16, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 16, 2009
  20. Joll

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2009
    Messages:
    14,522
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    723
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Wales (GB)
    Hmmm, that's interesting (and the response to Hilaire).

    It's kinda dawned on me over the past few years, that the things I value, and think are important goals in life are not really gna happen unless if carefully plan step by step how to achieve them - that goes for various things either personal or for other people.

    I think small, manageable (and targeted) actions now, add up and over time get you where you feel you want to go. I also (only recently) realised that pure effort isn't enough - you have to know what you're doing and use the effort in the right areas, or it'll quite often be wasted. That actually means tho, you can get away with less effort in the long run, provided it's more efficient, heheheh. :p
     
Draft saved Draft deleted