Apathy Or Non Excitement

Sagittarius84

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So I've been on this Earth long enough to know in general, resentment is not a desirable trait. I hadn't really come across it too much when I was young and single, I was self aware enough to know I had some self esteem issues, and wasn't exactly the most desirable physical specimen, so elongated periods of romantic/sexual inattention were more a personal motivator to get myself to a place and mindset that would attract said attention. Fast forward to a couple serious relationships and I see how quickly intermittent nonfulfillment of established attentions lead to resentment and conflict...
Fast forward to now to where the relationship, the marriage now encompasses so many more facets that I have to value and compartmentalize. The sexual attentions(specifically the lack thereof), are no less frustrating but I value so many other aspects I can't consciously allow resentment to creep in and cause them irreparable harm so I reconciled with apathy...
Basically I can't get excited for sex to come. The anticipation, the mental foreplay the mood making, the frustratingly fun wait and lead up to the big event, I just...can't anymore, not when the frequency has dropped so dramatically, and with file cabinets full of rainchecks and memories full of a sleeping wife. The odd time it actually goes down, I have no problems getting or maintaining erections, can still fuck with the ferocity and effectiveness we had during the "honeymoon period"
But the proverbial boy has cried wolf so many times, Ive become the proverbial fox that refuses to get excited for grapes he cant reach...
I get that life happens and so that's I why I posted this question in this specific section, because Im sure plenty of the ladies here have had ebbs and flows in their own libidos and have had to reconcile that with their partners needs and desires; If lack of excitement or mild apathy towards an often reneged or forgotten sexual offering is the way your partner prevents themselves from succumbing to resentment, how would you recieve that?
In my particular case my wife seemed initially hurt, but seemed to understand the percieved rejection that motivated it.
 

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That’s a difficult question to answer. I’ve never had any ebbs in my libido; however, I’ve always been partnered with someone with a low libido. With that being said, I did see a therapist who recommended a great book to help with sex and intimacy issues for relationships going stale sexually. “The Passionate Marriage” by David Schnarch. It’s a fantastic book. He has a couple of books on the subject, but the original one is a great place to get started.

As someone on the receiving end of rejection, I can tell you it’s quite depressing. And when the sex is stale as well, when my partner seems no longer interested in intimacy or keeping thing fresh, it really hurt me deeply. I wanted things to be better so much. I ached for it. Unfortunately, one person alone cannot fix things.

This may not answer your specific question, but I do encourage you to read the book. I think anyone in a long term relationship could benefit from some aspect of it.
 
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I'm phoning this in at the moment and so I can't give this the response it deserves.
I'm responding in this trunkated fashion so you know that the courage it took to be so brutally honest and vunerable isn't lost on me.

I'm pretty floored to be honest.

Thank you.
 
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This is not directed at the OP, but just a general thought given how I have a little club of assholes who try to start shit with me. I am sincerely hoping being as candid about this topic as I'm going to be doesn't come back to bite me in the ass too hard.

My partner is the one with the low libido. Enough rejection has led to me no longer initiating at all. He has the low libido, so I leave it to him to instigate at this point so that I don't get hurt from being rejected. It is affecting me more to be around him and not getting any, than the long periods of celibacy when we were long distance. When we were just long distance, my libido was as high as ever. Living together for years at this point and getting turned down enough has led to my sex drive significantly decreasing. I'm not sure if it's because I feel guilty about wanting sex when he mostly has so little interest in it, or what. Communication off and on hasn't led to any improvement or resolution. I've never had anyone match my libido, but I've never had it decrease from lack of sex until this relationship.

I'm not resentful but I am very sad about it. I consider it a contributing factor to depression and some other things I've dealt with my entire life (so the mental health stuff isn't caused by lack of sex but the lack of sex is definitely adding to a pre-existing condition). I also have gotten so many "I'll try to be better" and the like with no discernible improvement that I am at a loss for what to do. If I had to quantify how I feel, it would be depressed, mournful, and resigned to largely solo sexual gratification. I try not to take it personally. It's hard not to though, when his libido used to be higher. I still think he's gorgeous. I still love to touch his nude body when we shower together and in general. It's like a beautiful piece of art at this point, though. It's kind of disconnected from my libido, for better and for worse.
 

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Enough rejection has led to me no longer initiating at all. He has the low libido, so I leave it to him to instigate at this point so that I don't get hurt from being rejected.
Though it originated from other, non sex related aspects of our lives, i refer to this phenomenon as BoPR, or "Burden of Primary Refusal"..
 
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Though it originated from other, non sex related aspects of our lives, i refer to this phenomenon as BoPR, or "Burden of Primary Refusal"..

The last time my partner and I talked about it, he said he had tried to initiate at one point and I didn't pick up on it. I told him he has to make it really damn clear what he has in mind. I still touch him because I can't imagine a relationship where I didn't. We hug, kiss, cuddle, and I touch him casually too, playing with his hair, etc. So given all of that, whatever he had done was so subtle I just thought he was reciprocating with that kind of touch. Shit's fucked up in our relationship as far as sex. Everything else is pretty fabulous, but this one particular thing........ not so much.
 

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My husband pretends to be sexually attracted to me. I know from his actions, and from the clarity of hindsight that he is not, and never has been sexually attracted to me, merely able to perform sexually of he absolutely has to. Before I even realized that he wasn't actually attracted to me, I lost my attraction to him.

This wasn't a decision I made. It didn't happen entirely overnight. Little by little, the more he rejected my advances, didn't make many overtures of his own, and cancelled our advance plans to get in some loving, the less interested I was.

I had the added perspective of non-monogamy. When I couldn't live with the sexual frustration any longer, I negotiated to have his consent to meet those needs elsewhere. As a result, I was reminded what it feels like to be desired.

So I knew he had no desire for me, but in my mind that was different from not being attracted to me at all. Lack of desire can be fixed and might not be about me, you see. But I had already tried everything I could think of to tempt him. I had been fat, lean, muscular, long hair, short hair, gourmet meals every night, sent him to work with breakfasts and lunches that made him the envy of his office. I made his home a home, I paid the car note and one of his credit cards. I tried to tempt him with inviting other women to join us. I offered to invite a man to join us. I never said no to any sexual request, no matter how tedious or far from my interests. I bought lingerie. I lounged in his shirts. I flirted. I begged. But nothing made him more likely to actually have sex with me. If I so much as tried to deepen a kiss he said it was too sensual and he didn't like it.

Eventually some stuff went down and I knew he was just not attracted to me at all, and therefore nothing would ever spark genuine desire. He was willing to keep pretending to want to fuck me, and would continue to follow through two to four times a year when he was so starved for sexual release that I would do.

Once I realized that, the idea of sexual contact with him became repulsive. I have thrown up in my mouth because he made a pass at me. The last time he tried to surprise me with oral sex (six years ago) I burst into tears, said, "Why would you do that to me?" I fled the house for hours. I felt violated. The idea of his mouth on my vulva, let alone the warm, moist reality of it, is deeply disturbing to me. I have transitioned through apathy to abject disgust.

With disgust, comes a resentment I never had when I thought he just wasn't that interested in sex in general. I wanted love AND passion. I wanted monogamy, and I wanted to be a mother. He offered me those things, and then never provided most of them. He loves me very much. He would also do monogamy. I can't do his brand of monogamy though. I need to have sex sometimes, and with someone who really wants to be there.

I'm not leaving though. I love him, even if I'm no longer in love with him. We take good care of each other. I can trust him. He can trust me. We have so much fun together. Peas in a pod. I married him because he is the best man I have ever known, and that is still true. So, I'll stay. I was going to leave, but that was out of fear that someday he'll decide to admit he's gay, and say he need to go off and live his truth. I have decided to put faith in the loyalty he has always demonstrated.

So, what's my point? He doesn't know about my resentment. We have not worked through our problems to quite that extent yet. This is ongoing. He does know I have told him in the past I don't care whether or not we ever have sex again, and that I would never again in his life subject myself to the pain of approaching him for sex. He knows I also told him that if he asked me I would make myself available, but that I have responded very negatively to every overture he has made in the past six years, or pretended not to be aware, or simply left the house. How does he feel about it? It's complicated.

He just wants to pretend to want to fuck me. I didn't say anything to his mother, but she asked him if he was gay and he denied it. I didn't tell him I know he's gay, I said I know he isn't attracted to me. He denies this. He's lying. All of my feelings about the sexual facet of our marriage stem from his failure to admit that he is not attracted to any women, including me, and never has been. Until he is ready to stop lying to himself, the conversation cannot advance. I want to say, "I don't want you to keep pretending you are attracted to me. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel betrayed and violated, triggers feelings of resentment, and as a result, I cannot perform sexually if you are involved." I never get that far. He starts trying to convince me he is attracted to me, and as long as that is his position, nothing else I say makes sense or sounds relevant. Impasse.

How does he seem to feel about this? He seems to think he can wait me out. He seems to want to rely on the fact that in the past, I have been demonstrably lustful toward him, and that if he is patient, I will go back to chasing him. I will not, and have told him so. Currently, he flirts with me every day, and I either ask him to stop, or pretend not to notice. I need to press the conversation forward before he has resentment too.

I have an ex fiance who left me. I've never quite understood why, but I didn't try to keep him. He kept cheating on me. So when he was done working on our relationship, and seemed to want out, I encouraged him to go, and he did. His wife is like yours. His mindset is like mine. Apathy gave way to total loss of desire. He doesn't care about the constant rejection anymore. If she wants sex, fine. If not, fine. His wife is stunning. She looks like a fertility goddess. He loves her and wants to stay married. But he has no real interest in having sex with her. It has become tedious the once a year on vacation when they do. Last year's vacation sex was great, he says, but this year he wasn't interested and struggled to get and stay hard. He would rather masturbate. He says she is more interested in being a mother, than a wife, and he now realizes that was always so. She resents that he got a vasectomy after they had their son, and that he did not tell her. He resents that she got pregnant on purpose, and that every time she has been receptive, she was trying to get pregnant again.

What does that have to do with you, @Sagittarius84 ? I think your wife will develop her own resentment. I think your apathy will morph into loss of attraction at best, resentment at worst, though you can work through that. All of the above was to provide you with the context for my perspective. Obviously, your mileage may vary. But I doubt it.
 

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My husband pretends to be sexually attracted to me. I know from his actions, and from the clarity of hindsight that he is not, and never has been sexually attracted to me, merely able to perform sexually of he absolutely has to. Before I even realized that he wasn't actually attracted to me, I lost my attraction to him.

This wasn't a decision I made. It didn't happen entirely overnight. Little by little, the more he rejected my advances, didn't make many overtures of his own, and cancelled our advance plans to get in some loving, the less interested I was.

I had the added perspective of non-monogamy. When I couldn't live with the sexual frustration any longer, I negotiated to have his consent to meet those needs elsewhere. As a result, I was reminded what it feels like to be desired.

So I knew he had no desire for me, but in my mind that was different from not being attracted to me at all. Lack of desire can be fixed and might not be about me, you see. But I had already tried everything I could think of to tempt him. I had been fat, lean, muscular, long hair, short hair, gourmet meals every night, sent him to work with breakfasts and lunches that made him the envy of his office. I made his home a home, I paid the car note and one of his credit cards. I tried to tempt him with inviting other women to join us. I offered to invite a man to join us. I never said no to any sexual request, no matter how tedious or far from my interests. I bought lingerie. I lounged in his shirts. I flirted. I begged. But nothing made him more likely to actually have sex with me. If I so much as tried to deepen a kiss he said it was too sensual and he didn't like it.

Eventually some stuff went down and I knew he was just not attracted to me at all, and therefore nothing would ever spark genuine desire. He was willing to keep pretending to want to fuck me, and would continue to follow through two to four times a year when he was so starved for sexual release that I would do.

Once I realized that, the idea of sexual contact with him became repulsive. I have thrown up in my mouth because he made a pass at me. The last time he tried to surprise me with oral sex (six years ago) I burst into tears, said, "Why would you do that to me?" I fled the house for hours. I felt violated. The idea of his mouth on my vulva, let alone the warm, moist reality of it, is deeply disturbing to me. I have transitioned through apathy to abject disgust.

With disgust, comes a resentment I never had when I thought he just wasn't that interested in sex in general. I wanted love AND passion. I wanted monogamy, and I wanted to be a mother. He offered me those things, and then never provided most of them. He loves me very much. He would also do monogamy. I can't do his brand of monogamy though. I need to have sex sometimes, and with someone who really wants to be there.

I'm not leaving though. I love him, even if I'm no longer in love with him. We take good care of each other. I can trust him. He can trust me. We have so much fun together. Peas in a pod. I married him because he is the best man I have ever known, and that is still true. So, I'll stay. I was going to leave, but that was out of fear that someday he'll decide to admit he's gay, and say he need to go off and live his truth. I have decided to put faith in the loyalty he has always demonstrated.

So, what's my point? He doesn't know about my resentment. We have not worked through our problems to quite that extent yet. This is ongoing. He does know I have told him in the past I don't care whether or not we ever have sex again, and that I would never again in his life subject myself to the pain of approaching him for sex. He knows I also told him that if he asked me I would make myself available, but that I have responded very negatively to every overture he has made in the past six years, or pretended not to be aware, or simply left the house. How does he feel about it? It's complicated.

He just wants to pretend to want to fuck me. I didn't say anything to his mother, but she asked him if he was gay and he denied it. I didn't tell him I know he's gay, I said I know he isn't attracted to me. He denies this. He's lying. All of my feelings about the sexual facet of our marriage stem from his failure to admit that he is not attracted to any women, including me, and never has been. Until he is ready to stop lying to himself, the conversation cannot advance. I want to say, "I don't want you to keep pretending you are attracted to me. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel betrayed and violated, triggers feelings of resentment, and as a result, I cannot perform sexually if you are involved." I never get that far. He starts trying to convince me he is attracted to me, and as long as that is his position, nothing else I say makes sense or sounds relevant. Impasse.

How does he seem to feel about this? He seems to think he can wait me out. He seems to want to rely on the fact that in the past, I have been demonstrably lustful toward him, and that if he is patient, I will go back to chasing him. I will not, and have told him so. Currently, he flirts with me every day, and I either ask him to stop, or pretend not to notice. I need to press the conversation forward before he has resentment too.

I have an ex fiance who left me. I've never quite understood why, but I didn't try to keep him. He kept cheating on me. So when he was done working on our relationship, and seemed to want out, I encouraged him to go, and he did. His wife is like yours. His mindset is like mine. Apathy gave way to total loss of desire. He doesn't care about the constant rejection anymore. If she wants sex, fine. If not, fine. His wife is stunning. She looks like a fertility goddess. He loves her and wants to stay married. But he has no real interest in having sex with her. It has become tedious the once a year on vacation when they do. Last year's vacation sex was great, he says, but this year he wasn't interested and struggled to get and stay hard. He would rather masturbate. He says she is more interested in being a mother, than a wife, and he now realizes that was always so. She resents that he got a vasectomy after they had their son, and that he did not tell her. He resents that she got pregnant on purpose, and that every time she has been receptive, she was trying to get pregnant again.

What does that have to do with you, @Sagittarius84 ? I think your wife will develop her own resentment. I think your apathy will morph into loss of attraction at best, resentment at worst, though you can work through that. All of the above was to provide you with the context for my perspective. Obviously, your mileage may vary. But I doubt it.
Definitely some parallels I see in our situations, differing only really in sexuality not being an issue, and that my morphing was from resentment to apathy and not vice versa. I do share concern of her own resentment coming forth and mine reemerging as a result of her perceived audacity..
Id consider you lucky in that because his sexuality is in question, you have a bit more free license to get your needs met elsewhere...that particular negotiation is a non starter from the gate; no matter her drunken fantasies she'd never acquiesce to someone else touching me.
 

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I’m not entirely sure how to answer your question but I’ll tell you some of my own experiences and hopefully there will be something useful, or at least relative, in there. If not, I apologise.

I find I tend to become subconsciously resentful, and then somewhat apathetic, if my partner does not fulfil other needs. Though, I have never been married, nor have a really had a really long term relationship (my longest was 2.5 years; my last was 18 months).

For example, in my last relationship once his true colours of selfishness, laziness and apathy came through then I lost all appetite for sex. I have a low libido as is... I’m not sure if it’s natural or if it’s a result of my anxiety/depression or medication, or a combination. When in the honeymoon phase I have a really high sex drive and I’ve always wondered if that would maintain if the man I chose turned out to be the man I thought he was. Hopefully one day I’ll find out.

My ex couldn’t understand, and also probably didn’t want to, why I had zero sex drive. It got to the point that if he touched he in bed when I was trying to sleep...even him just wanting to cuddle me, I couldn’t stand it. He always wanted to cup my breasts while we slept which drove me up the wall and made me feel like an object.

He had very poor dental hygiene and has very bad halitosis as a result. I expressed so many times that his breath was disgusting, his teeth were yellowing and that dental hygiene (and hygiene in general) is very important to me. I begged him to go to the dentist. He refused. He would never explain why. Is was that type of disregard for my feelings (when I was so so giving and considerate) that drove me to resent him. I stopped kissing him passionately because his breath and teeth just disgusted me. And I ended up losing attraction to him for a myriad of reasons which all followed the same theme of him being apathetic to my needs and feelings. I suspect sometimes the resentment and apathy was mutual because towards the end there were numerous times when he wasn’t interested in sex or couldn’t cum from sexual acts we did together.

I tried to spice things up in the bedroom too but he was either too lazy to...or just pretended he wanted to, but when it came to the crunch would just opt out but not actually tell me he wasn’t interested in those things.

Because this is all I know, it scares me that I’ll never have the long lasting passion or sex life that I so desire. It also scares me that I’ll never find someone to truly settle down with. It also scares me that I’ll never find someone who reciprocates what I give them, or who truly cares about my feelings, and that as a result all of my relationships will end up in resentment.
 
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I find I tend to become subconsciously resentful, and then somewhat apathetic, if my partner does not fulfil other needs. ...

For example, in my last relationship once his true colours of selfishness, laziness and apathy came through then I lost all appetite for sex.
+1
 
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Sagittarius84

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I’m not entirely sure how to answer your question but I’ll tell you some of my own experiences and hopefully there will be something useful, or at least relative, in there. If not, I apologise.

I find I tend to become subconsciously resentful, and then somewhat apathetic, if my partner does not fulfil other needs. Though, I have never been married, nor have a really had a really long term relationship (my longest was 2.5 years; my last was 18 months).

For example, in my last relationship once his true colours of selfishness, laziness and apathy came through then I lost all appetite for sex. I have a low libido as is... I’m not sure if it’s natural or if it’s a result of my anxiety/depression or medication, or a combination. When in the honeymoon phase I have a really high sex drive and I’ve always wondered if that would maintain if the man I chose turned out to be the man I thought he was. Hopefully one day I’ll find out.

My ex couldn’t understand, and also probably didn’t want to, why I had zero sex drive. It got to the point that if he touched he in bed when I was trying to sleep...even him just wanting to cuddle me, I couldn’t stand it. He always wanted to cup my breasts while we slept which drove me up the wall and made me feel like an object.

He had very poor dental hygiene and has very bad halitosis as a result. I expressed so many times that his breath was disgusting, his teeth were yellowing and that dental hygiene (and hygiene in general) is very important to me. I begged him to go to the dentist. He refused. He would never explain why. Is was that type of disregard for my feelings (when I was so so giving and considerate) that drove me to resent him. I stopped kissing him passionately because his breath and teeth just disgusted me. And I ended up losing attraction to him for a myriad of reasons which all followed the same theme of him being apathetic to my needs and feelings. I suspect sometimes the resentment and apathy was mutual because towards the end there were numerous times when he wasn’t interested in sex or couldn’t cum from sexual acts we did together.

I tried to spice things up in the bedroom too but he was either too lazy to...or just pretended he wanted to, but when it came to the crunch would just opt out but not actually tell me he wasn’t interested in those things.

Because this is all I know, it scares me that I’ll never have the long lasting passion or sex life that I so desire. It also scares me that I’ll never find someone to truly settle down with. It also scares me that I’ll never find someone who reciprocates what I give them, or who truly cares about my feelings, and that as a result all of my relationships will end up in resentment.
In reading this over a couple of times, it struck me what a relatively low bar I set for myself as far as sexual satisfaction, and whether thats just a natural consequence or a source of my ills.
First 100% agree on the hygiene part, Ive been lucky in that its never been a issue; but i think the disconnect for me is how you describe your already low libido being attenuated further in the midst of other frustrations outside of your sex life, because I can't really relate there. For better or for worse, sexual attraction and desire are the cornerstone of my relationships, so it usually serves as the last straw in how I value a relationship. Again, I'm self aware enough to now how this could be used against my best interests, but I'm apt to overlook quite a few things in a relationship provided the sex is plentiful, as most annoyances and legitimate gripes seem less important then.
 
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For better or for worse, sexual attraction and desire are the cornerstone of my relationships, so it usually serves as the last straw in how I value a relationship. Again, I'm self aware enough to now how this could be used against my best interests, but I'm apt to overlook quite a few things in a relationship provided the sex is plentiful, as most annoyances and legitimate gripes seem less important then.
I’m not wanting to stereotype, but I wonder if this is a common difference between men an women? It seems to me that many men put sex as one of the key aspects to finding and keeping a partner, whereas women place other things with a higher order priority. Sexual chemistry and needs are important, but I’d place being fulfilled in other ways over this (as indicated in my previous post).

I’m basing the women comment on the many conversations I’ve had with my married female friends, along with my own points of view. And my assumptions on the male perspective is simply from my own dating and relationship experiences.

More than happy to stand corrected.
 

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I’m not wanting to stereotype, but I wonder if this is a common difference between men an women? It seems to me that many men put sex as one of the key aspects to finding and keeping a partner, whereas women place other things with a higher order priority. Sexual chemistry and needs are important, but I’d place being fulfilled in other ways over this (as indicated in my previous post).

I’m basing the women comment on the many conversations I’ve had with my married female friends, along with my own points of view. And my assumptions on the male perspective is simply from my own dating and relationship experiences.

More than happy to stand corrected.
I don't think your assessment is inaccurate, but I do think it's a little incomplete..
I think what gets unsaid(given the implications I can see why) is a preacceptance of the "ball and chain" idea and how it plays into what we prioritize. If we already expect to sacrifice previously fulfilled aspects of life in order to maintain a relationship, it stands to reason we'd focus upon the one thing a relationship is expected to fuflfill.
I mean it sucks and probably speaks to a disparity between men and women, but I don't think there's much in expected conventional boyfriend or husband behavior that doesnt enable(or in some cases encourage) their significant other to be a little lazy, or to be selfish. Its kind of hard for such things to detract from the sexual fulfillment in a relationship when the common message(and reality) is that they are the price to earn or attract some manner of sexual fulfillment.
 

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"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley
The very fulfillment you tend to hold as necessary prerequisite to maintaining sexual desire is juxtaposed as a necessary sacrifice for us to satiate ours...doesn't reallybode well for mutual satisfaction.
 

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"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."
-Bob Marley
The very fulfillment you tend to hold as necessary prerequisite to maintaining sexual desire is juxtaposed as a necessary sacrifice for us to satiate ours...doesn't reallybode well for mutual satisfaction.
I see that quote as moreso being about self respect and self worth for a woman... and for a man to know and appreciate a good woman when he meets one. It doesn’t have to be detrimental to either party.
 

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I’m not wanting to stereotype, but I wonder if this is a common difference between men an women? It seems to me that many men put sex as one of the key aspects to finding and keeping a partner, whereas women place other things with a higher order priority. Sexual chemistry and needs are important, but I’d place being fulfilled in other ways over this (as indicated in my previous post).

I’m basing the women comment on the many conversations I’ve had with my married female friends, along with my own points of view. And my assumptions on the male perspective is simply from my own dating and relationship experiences.

More than happy to stand corrected.
Sexual compatibility is high on my priority list for monogamy. I'm willing to tolerate infrequency, but I've learned that tolerance has limits. I keep my husband because in addition to being otherwose my perfect match in every conceivable way, he will accept non-monogamy regarding sex as long as I feed him and keep a nice home. Sexual compatibility doesn't seem to be a priority for him at all. He just wants to be loved and cared for. So, if he comes home and I bring him supper and mix him a drink, set him up with an ice pack for his sore back, massage his tight spots and listen to his outlandish ideas (best part of my day) and his worklife complaints, he's satisfied. He doesn't care that his mother hates me (and will protect me from the resulting fallout). He doesn't seem to care very much that I no longer am receptive to sexual overtures as long as I am affectionate. I still care that he only pretends to be attracted to me, but I have my friends-with-benefits and am otherwise thrilled with our home life. He is my safe place. That is sufficient. But if I was suddenly single, I would reject any other man who wasn't sexually compatible. I'm not doing this again. I wanted a monogamous marriage.
 

LaFemme

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Sexual compatibility is high on my priority list for monogamy. I'm willing to tolerate infrequency, but I've learned that tolerance has limits. I keep my husband because in addition to being otherwose my perfect match in every conceivable way, he will accept non-monogamy regarding sex as long as I feed him and keep a nice home. Sexual compatibility doesn't seem to be a priority for him at all. He just wants to be loved and cared for. So, if he comes home and I bring him supper and mix him a drink, set him up with an ice pack for his sore back, massage his tight spots and listen to his outlandish ideas (best part of my day) and his worklife complaints, he's satisfied. He doesn't care that his mother hates me (and will protect me from the resulting fallout). He doesn't seem to care very much that I no longer am receptive to sexual overtures as long as I am affectionate. I still care that he only pretends to be attracted to me, but I have my friends-with-benefits and am otherwise thrilled with our home life. He is my safe place. That is sufficient. But if I was suddenly single, I would reject any other man who wasn't sexually compatible. I'm not doing this again. I wanted a monogamous marriage.
I have to say, I totally agree with you once again. Never again would I be in a relationship where I sit feeling the constant rejection of a man without any or with little sexual feelings. I just couldn’t do it. It just grinds away at you, daily eroding at your self-esteem, hitting at the core of who you are.

I felt like a dog begging for attention from her owner, grateful for any little pat on the head. It made disgusted with myself. It built resentment. I just wanted affection, I wanted sex. Unlike you, I just couldn’t go outside the relationship for it. I just sat and waited for it. Made him a nice house, did everything I could for him.

So, no. Never again. It’s a question I’d ask fairly early. I’m not going through that again.
 

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My guy and I don’t suffer lack of desire, but the lack of spontaneity has taught us both to be able to put it on hold.

let’s just say that 67 has its burdens. Perimenopause has its burdens. Housemates are burdens. Careers are burdens.
And, honestly, waffling about “what is this?” Is a burden.
One’s head isn’t always in the game well. Sometimes that means the bits are still at the hi how are you phase when the brains are saying “boink, already.”
So bits are halfway there. We still manage some fun, but....let’s say the cuddling is often the best.
So that’s the good light on taking a raincheck.

Now the bad.
My marriage cracked up on the shoals of mistimed desire.
In retrospect, we had wild libido swings in a day. I still do.
But he was only responsive when he was in high libido mode...for him, it had to feel like the months we first got together.
For me, I had to feel like he wanted me, not just sex, and since he was in frenzy, that was difficult.
Add a lost pregnancy, early in, my daily pain level going out of control, some menstrual issues, differing work schedules and money stress...well...we were blessed to make 14 years.
I had to have downtime, solo, to deal with the pain enough to work and support the home.
He was an artist, and would take kitchen gigs as needed, but I was the stable income.
I resented coming home to a chaotic house. Dishes in the sink, no ideas on dinner.
Resentment kills libido.
We hurt each other so much. I hope we get a do over in another life.

Today, I plan meals and schedule chores so they don’t get forgotten.i needed the wisdom to do it then.
 

AlteredEgo

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My husband is a true romantic. That is one thing that has remained a constant. Even when I said I was going to divorce him, he remained constant in romantic gestures. I viewed it has his remaining my friend, but can see it now for what it was. He never wanted me to leave. I have cried myself to sleep imagining our separate lives. I want to be by his side forever, a major part of the decision to stay.

When I was in culinary school, someone stole my 8" Wustoff chef's knife. I never had the money to replace it. Just couldn't on my income, with my expenses, justify $250 for a new knife when I had another that was okay (albeit that is his 8" knife). The first Christmas after we planned to split, he purchased me a 12" Wustoff chef's knife. Whenever I have had a rough day, he turns up with sugar-free peanut butter cups. When I'm sick and tired of everyone but him, he takes me to a beer garden, and pretends I'm doing him a favor by going to dinner with him, because he just loves the black and blue burger there and is grateful not to dine out alone. But we both know it is to give me a break from the kitchen and restore me a bit. When my battery was suffering because I abuse rechargeable devices like phones and tablets, he brought me a portable charger that could power my phone 3 times on a single charge, and lent me a solar charger to keep it operational. When my grandmother's dementia and legal problems had me on edge, he purchased me a 90 minute massage one Christmas. Before I was ready to give up on our non-existent sex life, he used to set an alarm that would go off ten minutes early so we could have time to snuggle before launching into the day. He's so happy just to hold me. I like when he does.

My friends tell me they have to beg their husbands to do for them and the household things my husband just does because they need doing. I don't worry about unloading the dishwasher becaise he does it while thw dogs are outside after dinner, while I wash the pots and pans, so that I don't have to keep yelling at my dogs to leave the dishwasher alone while I'm reloading it. My grass is always cut, unless I deliberately beat him to that chore because I know it hurts his back. (He has several bulging discs.) The trash bins go up and come back as if by a magic elf. He helps with laundry, often starting his load himself. The vents get cleaned and filters changed. All the toilet seats and lids are down. He doesn't want the dogs and cats getting into the toilet water any more than I do. He cleaned my grandmother like she was his own when I awoke to find that she had smeared her rear-end incontinence all over herself and the house. Again. And I was too beside myself to even know where to begin cleaning and disinfecting my entire house. He always helped me with Grandma whenever I was getting worn out, and was always ready with a vodka nightcap on the very hardest days. I will NEVER forget the depths of his loyalty and care. Feces, in my book, is the greatest test of loyalty. When I needed to be out of town, he cared for my grandmother who became equal parts un-potty-trained toddler, violent banshee, and intense sex fiend. He did so with tenderness and respect, and the patience of a Saint. He is my personal Superman, and always has been. He is happy to do these things, and never needs to be asked.

Years ago, when we had been married only two or three years (it has been a decade, now) his mother drew a line in the sand. She wanted him to choose between us. He told me all the awful things he said to him, about him, our life together, and me, and as I wept in his arms on the bed he gave me as a wedding gift, he said, "It's you and me against the world, forever, and fuck the world." We ran a marathon together a year after we married. An injury I obtained during training flared up around mile nine or eleven. I told him to go ahead of me, and not let me slow down. I said I would finish if I could. He took my hand and dragged me the rest of the way to the finish line. "I won't let you fail, Hunny." The race had been my idea. We finished, hand in hand, with him ahead of me. At the finish line we embraced and wept together.

My husband is everything a man should be. He is a better partner than I even deserve. When I am taking good care of him, I feel like that is a privilege. But if I wasn't getting my sexual needs met elsewhere, the relationship would be impossible for me to maintain. I will never be able to be sexually available to him again. He's still a very good looking man. I'm not at all attracted to him. All the years of rejection were extremely damaging to my self esteem, my sense of identity, and my ability to trust men, and my judgement of men. I think my psyche had to eliminate attraction, and create revulsion to protect itself from breaking.

I know he loves me. I do not believe he has the experience to know whether or not he is in love with me. I no longer believe he ever was. But I could do worse than to follow through on my original plan to spend my life beside an excellent man who is my very best friend.

Still. I wish it was different. I wish he could genuinely lust after me like I used to lust after him. I miss being in love with someone who wanted me like that.

My friends don't really understand why I can't just play my role and cleave whenever he wants to, especially since it is just a couple of times a year. They do not understand that the reason we no longer cuddle is because I am literally terrified that he will fondle me, or make some kind of sexual overture, and reboot my nightmares. A few months ago, I thought I was ready to try snuggling again. But he told me he had a dream that I was a hermaphrodite. I was immediately depressed and sleepless for several weeks. I just can't.

But, if Bob Marley is right about the nature of things, I have found my one worth suffering for. I only hope my broken places aren't causing him to suffer too much, even if he is the one who broke them.
 

Scarletbegonia

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May every little thing gonna be alright.

My husband is a true romantic. That is one thing that has remained a constant. Even when I said I was going to divorce him, he remained constant in romantic gestures. I viewed it has his remaining my friend, but can see it now for what it was. He never wanted me to leave. I have cried myself to sleep imagining our separate lives. I want to be by his side forever, a major part of the decision to stay.

When I was in culinary school, someone stole my 8" Wustoff chef's knife. I never had the money to replace it. Just couldn't on my income, with my expenses, justify $250 for a new knife when I had another that was okay (albeit that is his 8" knife). The first Christmas after we planned to split, he purchased me a 12" Wustoff chef's knife. Whenever I have had a rough day, he turns up with sugar-free peanut butter cups. When I'm sick and tired of everyone but him, he takes me to a beer garden, and pretends I'm doing him a favor by going to dinner with him, because he just loves the black and blue burger there and is grateful not to dine out alone. But we both know it is to give me a break from the kitchen and restore me a bit. When my battery was suffering because I abuse rechargeable devices like phones and tablets, he brought me a portable charger that could power my phone 3 times on a single charge, and lent me a solar charger to keep it operational. When my grandmother's dementia and legal problems had me on edge, he purchased me a 90 minute massage one Christmas. Before I was ready to give up on our non-existent sex life, he used to set an alarm that would go off ten minutes early so we could have time to snuggle before launching into the day. He's so happy just to hold me. I like when he does.

My friends tell me they have to beg their husbands to do for them and the household things my husband just does because they need doing. I don't worry about unloading the dishwasher becaise he does it while thw dogs are outside after dinner, while I wash the pots and pans, so that I don't have to keep yelling at my dogs to leave the dishwasher alone while I'm reloading it. My grass is always cut, unless I deliberately beat him to that chore because I know it hurts his back. (He has several bulging discs.) The trash bins go up and come back as if by a magic elf. He helps with laundry, often starting his load himself. The vents get cleaned and filters changed. All the toilet seats and lids are down. He doesn't want the dogs and cats getting into the toilet water any more than I do. He cleaned my grandmother like she was his own when I awoke to find that she had smeared her rear-end incontinence all over herself and the house. Again. And I was too beside myself to even know where to begin cleaning and disinfecting my entire house. He always helped me with Grandma whenever I was getting worn out, and was always ready with a vodka nightcap on the very hardest days. I will NEVER forget the depths of his loyalty and care. Feces, in my book, is the greatest test of loyalty. When I needed to be out of town, he cared for my grandmother who became equal parts un-potty-trained toddler, violent banshee, and intense sex fiend. He did so with tenderness and respect, and the patience of a Saint. He is my personal Superman, and always has been. He is happy to do these things, and never needs to be asked.

Years ago, when we had been married only two or three years (it has been a decade, now) his mother drew a line in the sand. She wanted him to choose between us. He told me all the awful things he said to him, about him, our life together, and me, and as I wept in his arms on the bed he gave me as a wedding gift, he said, "It's you and me against the world, forever, and fuck the world." We ran a marathon together a year after we married. An injury I obtained during training flared up around mile nine or eleven. I told him to go ahead of me, and not let me slow down. I said I would finish if I could. He took my hand and dragged me the rest of the way to the finish line. "I won't let you fail, Hunny." The race had been my idea. We finished, hand in hand, with him ahead of me. At the finish line we embraced and wept together.

My husband is everything a man should be. He is a better partner than I even deserve. When I am taking good care of him, I feel like that is a privilege. But if I wasn't getting my sexual needs met elsewhere, the relationship would be impossible for me to maintain. I will never be able to be sexually available to him again. He's still a very good looking man. I'm not at all attracted to him. All the years of rejection were extremely damaging to my self esteem, my sense of identity, and my ability to trust men, and my judgement of men. I think my psyche had to eliminate attraction, and create revulsion to protect itself from breaking.

I know he loves me. I do not believe he has the experience to know whether or not he is in love with me. I no longer believe he ever was. But I could do worse than to follow through on my original plan to spend my life beside an excellent man who is my very best friend.

Still. I wish it was different. I wish he could genuinely lust after me like I used to lust after him. I miss being in love with someone who wanted me like that.

My friends don't really understand why I can't just play my role and cleave whenever he wants to, especially since it is just a couple of times a year. They do not understand that the reason we no longer cuddle is because I am literally terrified that he will fondle me, or make some kind of sexual overture, and reboot my nightmares. A few months ago, I thought I was ready to try snuggling again. But he told me he had a dream that I was a hermaphrodite. I was immediately depressed and sleepless for several weeks. I just can't.

But, if Bob Marley is right about the nature of things, I have found my one worth suffering for. I only hope my broken places aren't causing him to suffer too much, even if he is the one who broke them.
 
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