Are conflicts a must for a healthy relationship?

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by lopo2000, May 13, 2010.

  1. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    I have some questions regarding this, and firstly, what do you think? Should a healthy relationship require both persons in the relationship to be going through some issues? Or can a relationship bloom without conflicts?

    How about you personally? Did your relationship only noticeably grow after an issue? Or did you guys love each other without any significant bump on the road?
     
  2. D_Petherick_Poundlouder

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2006
    Messages:
    1,064
    Likes Received:
    0
    Yes. Its mandatory.

    Anytime issues weren't brought up, the relationship ended.
     
  3. crescendo69

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2006
    Messages:
    8,142
    Likes Received:
    20
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Knoxville, TN
    There are some bumps, but love is patient.
     
    #3 crescendo69, May 14, 2010
    Last edited: May 14, 2010
  4. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    I wouldn't describe talking about relationship issues as "conflict" if they're handled maturely, but I've never been in a relationship where every issue was handled with maturity, so there's always been some conflict. If either person is afraid of causing any conflict, then there are major problems in the relationship. If every time any issue is discussed it causes conflict, then there are major problems in the relationship. A healthy relationship needs to be strong enough to survive some rocky terrain.
     
  5. the_new_godiva

    Joined:
    May 10, 2010
    Messages:
    144
    Likes Received:
    0
    They aren't musts, but just like a life without conflict is a pretty bland one, so are relationships.
     
  6. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    When I say issues, I mean some things that can't be tolerated by the other one. Different relationship has different kinds of 'issues,' such as the boyfriend has hidden debts, or the girlfriend is a control freak, or the husband is very bad at sex, or the wife still hasn't gotten over her last boyfriend. Are things like these, and the similar something that MUST exist to make a relationship stronger, provided that both handle them maturely? Or can a relationship develop without this?

    However, the new godiva, I agree with you, life without problems are dull. They spice up our life. Perhaps it can be applicable to relationships.:)
     
  7. HiddenLacey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5,470
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere
    I rather prefer less conflict. I like to be happy 99% of the time, so basically all the time unless I'm sick. I don't want to deal with drama and games. Everyone is going to argue sometimes, but I don't really consider that conflict. Unless he gets pissed because I smile while telling him what I think :)
     
  8. MickeyLee

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2008
    Messages:
    11,779
    Likes Received:
    1,785
    Location:
    neverhood
    sweetie, you're watching too much prime time television.

    dysfunction is usually what ends relationships. all the examples you've listed are signs that two unhealthy people are in a doomed a relationship.

    passion isn't born of conflict, people just turn to drama when the relation is lacking any other spark.
     
  9. B_spiker067

    B_spiker067 New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 17, 2006
    Messages:
    2,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    The benefit of strife/contest/conflict in a relationship is also largely cultural (and maybe therefore genetic); in some it is definitely good and in others not so much.
     
    #9 B_spiker067, May 14, 2010
    Last edited: May 14, 2010
  10. petite

    petite New Member

    Joined:
    Mar 3, 2010
    Messages:
    7,539
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    33
    Gender:
    Female
    Things like hidden debts, a control freak, a partner who is in love with someone else, and someone being bad at sex are all reasons why I would end a relationship. In my opinion, they must NOT exist for me to seriously consider a long term relationship, or that person's other qualities and the good parts of the relationship must be so incredibly wonderful that I would consider overlooking a major issue like that!

    When I think of "spice" that's not the sort of things I mean. I think of an adventurous spirit, a person who is vivacious, a person with a lot of personality, a person with a great sense of humor, or a person who is incredibly creative. That's what I think spices up a relationship, the person I'm in the relationship with, not their problems.

    Relationships most definitely can develop without those things! I don't see why a relationship wouldn't develop without them.
     
  11. HiddenLacey

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 28, 2010
    Messages:
    5,470
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    248
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    somewhere
    I agree with you 100 million percent. I have a girlfriend though that every guy she choose's has all these horrible issue's. She told me that her therapist said she's caught in an endless circle. She likes guys in need. I love her, but she can have them. I have to take care of myself and he needs to be able to do the same. It's different if you can lean on your partner, or if someone was in a bad marriage or whatever and has debt. Stuff happens, but just these people with all the issue's and drama I cannot deal with in a relantionship. I would sit around and feel sad all the time. :confused:
     
  12. Ethyl

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2006
    Messages:
    5,476
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    495
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Philadelphia (PA, US)
    In the end it's more about how two people handle conflict. Some prefer to tackle a problem immediately before it spins out of control. Some will wait to see if the conflict resolves itself and address it later if it doesn't. Some avoid conflict at all cost. Those who see eye-to-eye on problem solving and practice it are involved in the healthiest relationships that i've witnessed.
     
  13. L_egit

    L_egit Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2010
    Messages:
    265
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    11
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Toronto (ON, CA)
    This is very true. Points which need to be discussed might become conflicts if the interests of the two parties differ, but that doesn't mean that they can't be discussed in an open and mature manner.

    Communication is very, very difficult and needs to worked on constantly by both parties. Without that its very difficult to synchronize and adjust to each other.
     
  14. DaveyR

    DaveyR Retired Moderator
    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jun 15, 2006
    Messages:
    11,908
    Likes Received:
    8
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Northumberland
    Very much depends on how you define conflict. What some would define as conflict others (myself included) would define as normal day to day life. Discussion/disagreement is normal.
     
  15. Bbucko

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2006
    Messages:
    7,413
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    58
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Sunny SoFla
    I've found that the one given during the ups and downs of a relationship is compromise. Certain compromises need to be negotiated between the parties (though if every compromise were negotiated it would get mighty tedious), and this can frequently be stressful.
     
  16. lopo2000

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Jul 9, 2007
    Messages:
    1,567
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Malaysia
    Perhaps I'm advocating for the idea that a spouse should be able to work on it before he/she decides that a major issue is a reason why a relationship should end.
     
  17. goodwood

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Aug 18, 2005
    Messages:
    1,804
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    Dallas/Ft. Worth, Texas
    conflicts are not a must for a healthy relationship.
    any relationship - healthy or not - will have conflicts.
    when both people in the relationship handle the conflicts
    in a calm, rational, thoughtful, considerate and patient manner -
    the chances of the conflict being handled calmly and overcome in
    a good way are much better.
    it depends on the nature of the conflict(s) of course. but even difference of
    religion, political persuasion can be non-issues if both people in the relationship
    are on emotional and mature equal footing. even if the footing is offset, if the one on
    the lesser footing realizes this and makes an added effort to stabilize things and go forward equally then thats ok.
    in the end, it only depends on if you can tolerate the other person's issues and how s/he deals with them. period. either you can or you can't. you can do everything right from beginning to end but if that person will not respond in a way that is acceptable to you
    then that's it.
    imo - for what that's worth.
     
  18. cbrmale

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2008
    Messages:
    1,442
    Albums:
    1
    Likes Received:
    15
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Canberra, Australia
    Conflicts always happen, but they're not mandatory, especially as the years pass. If you're passionate towards your partner, you will stand up for things that are negative towards yourself. Otherwise, you will get frustrated and ultimately leave. Ditto, of course, for your partner.

    Conflict resolution can be through calm discussion, negotiation or a major argument! The latter is one of my favourites, as the make-up sex afterwards is totally awesome!! However, my wife and I haven't had that many major arguments, more a series of discussions and compromises.
     
  19. helgaleena

    Gold Member

    Joined:
    Sep 8, 2006
    Messages:
    5,663
    Albums:
    2
    Likes Received:
    3
    Gender:
    Female
    Location:
    Wisconsin USA
    If there is a major issue that cannot be fixed, things had better end. And one of them that I can imagine is someone who is so afraid of 'conflict' that they agree constantly to things they don't feel comfortable with, until they explode. I have been such a person. :redface:

    Nobody is so perfect that they have no obstacles to an ideal relationship. Finding someone who can tolerate your unfixable flaws and still love you is something to treasure. But keeping someone who does not bear tolerating, an abuser for example, is never worth the discomfort.
     
  20. B_thickjohnny

    B_thickjohnny New Member

    Joined:
    Aug 2, 2007
    Messages:
    2,874
    Likes Received:
    42
    Gender:
    Male
    Location:
    Atlanta GA
    Yes. It seems conflicts are what healthy relationships are made of. My ex and I are still talking but the talks are incredibly open and honest. We are airing all of the laundry we kept inside over the last 4 years. Seems that it can be healthy regardless if you're in a relationship or trying to repair/rebuild a damaged relationship that was smothered by too much of keeping things in.
     
Draft saved Draft deleted