Are conflicts a must for a healthy relationship?

[lopo2000]

conflicts are not a must for a healthy relationship. any relationship - healthy or not - will have conflicts. when both people in the relationship handle the conflicts in a calm, rational, thoughtful, considerate and patient manner - the chances of the conflict being handled calmly and overcome in a good way are much better. it depends on the nature of the conflict(s) of course. but even difference of religion, political persuasion can be non-issues if both people in the relationship are on emotional and mature equal footing. even if the footing is offset, if the one on the lesser footing realizes this and makes an added effort to stabilize things and go forward equally then thats ok.in the end, it only depends on if you can tolerate the other person's issues and how s/he deals with them. period. either you can or you can't. you can do everything right from beginning to end but if that person will not respond in a way that is acceptable to you
then that's it.

I totally agree with you! Your post has been the best so far! After all, conflicts will always happen, no matter what, it's all about how we handle it.

Conflicts always happen, but they're not mandatory, especially as the years pass. If you're passionate towards your partner, you will stand up for things that are negative towards yourself. Otherwise, you will get frustrated and ultimately leave. Ditto, of course, for your partner.

Conflict resolution can be through calm discussion, negotiation or a major argument! The latter is one of my favourites, as the make-up sex afterwards is totally awesome!! However, my wife and I haven't had that many major arguments, more a series of discussions and compromises.

Similar as above poster. I also agree with you.

If there is a major issue that cannot be fixed, things had better end. And one of them that I can imagine is someone who is so afraid of 'conflict' that they agree constantly to things they don't feel comfortable with, until they explode. I have been such a person. :redface:

Nobody is so perfect that they have no obstacles to an ideal relationship. Finding someone who can tolerate your unfixable flaws and still love you is something to treasure. But keeping someone who does not bear tolerating, an abuser for example, is never worth the discomfort.

Aww, what's important is now you identify the problem and now you're working on it. I can't be prouder of people who admit their problems and try to fix them.

Yes. It seems conflicts are what healthy relationships are made of. My ex and I are still talking but the talks are incredibly open and honest. We are airing all of the laundry we kept inside over the last 4 years. Seems that it can be healthy regardless if you're in a relationship or trying to repair/rebuild a damaged relationship that was smothered by too much of keeping things in.

That is good to hear Thickjohnny. Bottling things up inside can be very detrimental to relationships/friendships.

 

[deleted3782]

That all being said...I have witnessed relationships that thrive on pain and conflict. What about the folks that will abandon a relationship when it doesn't have enough conflict...when things are too good...and they are not hurt enough. In those cases, I'd say conflicts are a requirement for the relationship to survive...because those involved require pain as a part of their relationship. I'm not going to judge that as an unhealthy relationship just because it doesn't work for me...they definitely work on a different model than that which most people follow.

 

[B_quietguy]

I prefer a conflict-free relationship. Just because two or more people have a disagreement, doesn't mean they will also have a conflict over it. If they can resolved the disagreement without conflict, that says a lot about their emotional maturity and communication skills.

Disagreements are certain to happen. Conflicts are not.

 

[lopo2000]

I always believed that disagreements are similar with conflicts.

 

[B_thickjohnny]

For me and my ex it wasn't until we broke up that I heard the things that bothered him. These were things I laughed at because they should have been discussed BEFORE he decided he wanted out. Things like he liked having an occasional cigarette after dinner or when out. I don't like smoking but it wouldn't bother me if he wanted to smoke a cigarette after a meal as we walked back to the car or if he got up from the table and went outside. Then it was something about doing the laundry a certain way or driving - he WANTED to drive. Since it was my car I just automatically grabbed the keys and headed out. I told him all he had to do was tell me he wanted to drive more. I don't care!! Now he has his own car and comes to pick me up.

These things, to me, are silly things that should have been part of an open discussion BEFORE he had had enough. I highly recommend to anyone out there to talk to your partner before deciding to walk out of something that is otherwise working.

 

[helgaleena]

Dear Johnny, I am glad you have a better relationship now that you do not share quarters. He is still a controller and compulsive, so keep your privacy.

 

[Stephenmass]

Based on what Johnny wrote I am not sure how you can say that is controlling and compulsive helga. We usually don't really know until it's over the things that bothered the other about us and vice versa. I hate to drive, always have (short distances are OK), so my car or not I just give my keys to my partner and say do you mind? He always says he'll drive, he likes to drive. The only thing that smacked a bit of controlling is doing the laundry a certain way. In that case I would have just said if I was the one doing the laundry, OK do your own! I know in my own case, there are certain items I do not want in the dryer. Usually this is because they fit me perfectly but if they shrink they may not. I don't know more about "Johnny's laundry comments made by his partner" but in my case if my partner was doing laundry I may ask him to not put "these" in the dryer. Etc. I am not controlling, neither is my partner. Simple requests is all. If he is doing my laundry I consider myself lucky that someone else is doing my laundry so the last thing I want to do is bitch about something! It's almost worth losing a favorite shirt to the dryer!! HAHA

 

[Viking_UK]

I've been with my other half for over 15 years now. In that time we've had a handful of arguments, but most of the time we sort things out before they become issues. We're lucky in that we have similar attitudes to things so neither of us usually has to compromise much, and there's always the option of agreeing to differ. There have been a couple of times when we've come close to splitting up because of one thing or another, but we've always been able to resolve those.

In my opinion, conflict within a relationship isn't essential, but it is healthy. You can't agree on everything, but it's not a good idea for one partner to give in all the time. I think the most important things are to respect each other and to be able to admit when you're wrong and apologise when you've said or done something hurtful. A bit of romance and consideration don't go amiss either.

You won't always agree, but a disagreement isn't grounds to end a relationship - if it is, it wasn't a proper relationship in the first place.

 

[Stephenmass]

If disagreements ended relationships there wouldn't be any relationships left. It's how the couple approaches the problems and above all else keeping respect for the other in perspective. There is such a thing as disagreeing with respect and there is such a thing as disagreeing and being put down. When it reaches the "put down" stage that to me signals the end.

 

[139189]

I thought this was the reason for my last relationship ending, lack of conflict. My ex misconstrued this for lack of passion, but the conflicts we did have were about the DUMBEST things, so I completely stopped caring. I really think my ex has psychological issues, and guess what, her current relationship seems like it's on the frits as well

Right now though, not too much bickering but there definitely isn't anything missing in my new relationship

 

[Lex]

If you and your mate never disagree on anything (or express said disagreement), then one or both aren't being honest and open with each other. There is no way that two people can, will or should agree on everything.

A good rule is, if you think 10 things in a day (to say to your partner about something with which you disagree), say only 3 or 4 of them.

For me personally, I have found that there can be brighter things on the far side of adversity if both people are committed and willing to do so. My relationship with my hubby is far stronger because we talk and work through our differences.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Me and my girlfriends never have conflicts

But that is because I dont care about anything.

I suppose if I had a definitive opion on anything of realitive importance we would butt heads quite alot.

 

[helgaleena]

Based on what Johnny wrote I am not sure how you can say that is controlling and compulsive helga. We usually don't really know until it's over the things that bothered the other about us and vice versa.

Stephen, sorry to seem misleading. Johnny has been posting about his relationship and breakup here on different threads for several months. I really should have taken more time to justify what I posted.

 

[D_Petherick_Poundlouder]

When I say issues, I mean some things that can't be tolerated by the other one. Different relationship has different kinds of 'issues,' such as the boyfriend has hidden debts, or the girlfriend is a control freak, or the husband is very bad at sex, or the wife still hasn't gotten over her last boyfriend. Are things like these, and the similar something that MUST exist to make a relationship stronger, provided that both handle them maturely? Or can a relationship develop without this?

However, the new godiva, I agree with you, life without problems are dull. They spice up our life. Perhaps it can be applicable to relationships.

Its mandatory. Humans are flawed. Those issues come up, need to be handled and love blooms in the wake.

Me and my girlfriends never have conflicts

But that is because I dont care about anything.

I suppose if I had a definitive opion on anything of realitive importance we would butt heads quite alot.

Eventually, that'll become a problem.

 

[lopo2000]

I thought this was the reason for my last relationship ending, lack of conflict. My ex misconstrued this for lack of passion, but the conflicts we did have were about the DUMBEST things, so I completely stopped caring. I really think my ex has psychological issues, and guess what, her current relationship seems like it's on the frits as well

Right now though, not too much bickering but there definitely isn't anything missing in my new relationship

Maybe some people actually need to bicker about the smallest thing. And I'm happy you're moving on to a great relationship.

If you and your mate never disagree on anything (or express said disagreement), then one or both aren't being honest and open with each other. There is no way that two people can, will or should agree on everything.

A good rule is, if you think 10 things in a day (to say to your partner about something with which you disagree), say only 3 or 4 of them.

For me personally, I have found that there can be brighter things on the far side of adversity if both people are committed and willing to do so. My relationship with my hubby is far stronger because we talk and work through our differences.

I totally agree with you! But unfortunately, I'm a kind of person who can't really say no to my friends so it's kinda exhausting too. It's not him, it's me around almost all of my friends. I'm working on it though to change the personality.

 

[Gecko4lif]

Eventually, that'll become a problem.

Sigh. That is probably true.