Are gay men often fatherless sons?

[B_henry miller]

I ask because sometimes I feel I can relate to a lot of gay men, though not in terms of sexuality. I don't want to have sex with another man. It recently occurred to me that maybe what I can relate to is that gay men are often, like me, fatherless sons.

I sometimes wonder if some gay men are searching to fulfill their lack of a father while growing up.

 

[Northland]

My earliest desires involved men. At that time my father was somewhere around on a daily basis. Additionally there were several influential males within my life who served as guides. My grandfather had the largest influence upon me- I wonder if that contributed to my bisexuality. As I indicated, my thoughts looked towards men at an early age, and I don't think parenting was the cause.

 

[MilloBear]

I had a wonderful and very involved father throughout my life. He passed away in 2001 at the age of 86. Its a old wives' tail that gay men do not have strong father figures and an over-bearing mother.

 

[B_henry miller]

Well, thank you for noting that I asked a question rather than proposed an answer.

There again, these answers don't preclude the possibility that many gay men may not have been close to their fathers, and that perhaps I bond with these particular gay men. (Similarly, I bond with straight men who deal with the same issue.)

 

[scottbud]

Im Gay new it from about 10 or 11 years old my dad was very promenent in my life I spent many hours a day with him my mum left when I was nearly 4 and although I saw her often she was not a big influence in my life, the guys I am attracted to are nothing like my father. I believe sexuality runs much deeper than upbringing.

 

[str82fcuk]

Well OP I have to tell you that the first pargraph of your original post resonates a great deal with me, but the second paragraph does not compute.

 

[B_henry miller]

Do you mean the second post or second paragraph of the first post?

Well OP I have to tell you that the first pargraph of your original post resonates a great deal with me, but the second paragraph does not compute.

 

[str82fcuk]

the second paragraph of the first post

 

[B_henry miller]

In other words, you are gay, you feel you were fatherless, but you don't think there is a connection between the two. Is this what you are saying?

 

[Lucky_Luke]

I had a strong military disciplinarian father (whom I've always loathed) and a rather quiet mother.

Most gay males I know of have strong father figures in their lives.

 

[str82fcuk]

In other words, you are gay, you feel you were fatherless, but you don't think there is a connection between the two. Is this what you are saying?

No.
What I am saying is ...
a) I am gay
b) I feel that I have been fatherless
c) maybe there is a connection but I don't know if there is or how that would work

I ask because sometimes I feel I can relate to a lot of gay men, though not in terms of sexuality. I don't want to have sex with another man. It recently occurred to me that maybe what I can relate to is that gay men are often, like me, fatherless sons.

I sometimes wonder if some gay men are searching to fulfill their lack of a father while growing up.

This second part of this second post does not make sense to me. Maybe some gay men do do that but I don't understand what they are thinking if they do do that and don't understand how you 'understand' this if this is the case because I've never felt any kind of 'wish to fulfill a lack of a father' to be at all present in my desire for gay contact. So I think either you are talking about something about gayness that is maybe only sometimes there and maybe not there at all, or you are assuming some kind of knowledge about what 'having a father' means that I don't recognise, or maybe both.

 

[B_henry miller]

Oh, well, if it is the case that some gay men are searching for their father, it's subconscious. Likewise, the theory is that straight men are searching for their mother -- but they don't think of it that way and would probably be creeped out if someone said that to them.

 

[str82fcuk]

Oh, well, if it is the case that some gay men are searching for their father, it's subconscious. Likewise, the theory is that straight men are searching for their mother -- but they don't think of it that way and would probably be creeped out if someone said that to them.

Oh, well, okay, but this theory still does not make any sense to me ... Do you think it makes sense to most people? And how and why does it consciously make sense to you?

 

[Manbap]

The theroy that I read once says men with elder bothers are more likely to grow up as gays than of the elder brothers. In other words, chances of a yonger son to be the gay, if so, is more than of the elder one...** my english sucks...is my point comprehensible :-( ??**

As for the father thing, I have one that his name fills the ENTIRE house! Now maybe it is vis versa: being gay could has something to do with the father being very dominant in the family... so how about this new theory of me??

 

[B_henry miller]

Oh, well, okay, but this theory still does not make any sense to me ... Do you think it makes sense to most people? And how and why does it consciously make sense to you?

I'm not really saying the theory makes senes to me. That's why I phrased it as a question. I just wanted to know what others think of the question.

 

[novice_btm]

My father was no longer a daily presence in my life after age 8. I, however, never considered being with a man, in any physical sense, until well into my 20s. I just didn't find it attractive. Now, on those rare occasions here and there where I DO finally get to be with a man, I find a lot of my actions focused on pleasing, and I'm sure in turn, in some twisted way, pleasing my father.

 

[snoozan]

I sometimes wonder if some gay men are searching to fulfill their lack of a father while growing up.

I do know a lot of straight women who do this, but it doesn't follow that all other women who don't do this are lesbians. while i agree that such relationships exist among gay men, you're making a huge leap in logic that the existence of these relationships between men is the cause of homosexuality. further, you're assuming that the "default" sexuality for men is straight and that only the lack of a strong father makes them gay. if you draw your idea out further, it would make the "default" for women's sexuality to be lesbian. to me, finding a mate to make up for an absent father and sexuality are two distinct things. yes, there are gay men who look for a father figure in their intimate relationships. there are straight women who do the same. however, there are also many gay men and straight women who don't search for a male mate because of issues with their fathers. this is an idea that's been thrown around for years, but it doesn't seem to hold water if you ask around.

 

[mountainguy]

My father has always been present in my life. We haven't always gotten along in the past (although we do now), but I don't think my sexual orientation has anything to do with him.

In general, I buy into the argument that sexual orientation is determined by biological factors beyond individual control. I'm not sure how I feel about the genetic studies, though, that say that younger brothers are more likely to be gay. I'm the oldest of three boys, and both of my younger brothers are heterosexual.

 

[davidjh7]

From talking to many many people, I think the lack of a strong father figure has had an influence on some guys preference for older partners, i.e., intergenerational preferences, but I have never seen it to have any causality or correlation with sexuality. Freud thought every behavior and though had to do with sex in some way, and thus related sexuality to sex differences. The same theme is exposited in other psychological venues, just not as blatant about sex. People are always looking for nice, compact easy answers to difficult complex systems, but sometimes the answers just aren't easy. All I can relate is what I have personally researched---and in those cases, I have never seen a causal relationship between a weak/absent father, and the person being homosexual. The numbers just aren't there.

 

[Time2Talk]

I have a living father. We have never got on. I think I may have always felt fatherless. Afraid, not of letting him down, but just afraid that his violence would one day be the death of me. In that sense (a father not doing his duty) I guess you could say that there are men who sleep with men that feel fatherless. If that helps some.