Are gay men scared of settling down?

[LittleBuzzSaw]

I totally agree. I know monogamy is very difficult, specially for gays for the reason you exposed above. But I also realized that is not exclusive to gay, especially in these times and especially in a big city like NYC. Most of my straight girlfriends have told me that dating in this city is frustrating if you're looking for a stable relationship. A friend of mine (a woman who's not a native New Yorker) says that NYC is a city for single people, and that once you want to settle down, you should move somewhere else, preferably a smaller city.

How's is this gay dating situation in another places, cities, countries?

That’s a VERY broad question. In a nutshell, it’s about the same. Other countries it all depends on the culture and/or religion. Where I am currently, the area is 90% Muslim, so daring and relationships are almost impossible. “Dating” means going out as friends with ZERO public affection, and if you’re in a relationship, you can only be so behind closed doors, and even then people are highly suspicious about 2 men living alone. The “larger” cities tend to be more “tolerant”, but even there you have to be very careful what you do in public. “Tolerant” doesn’t necessarily mean they want to “see” it.

 

[Tbprivate]

As an older guy who prefers younger, my issue is that most guys wish to play the field and enjoy new partners and aren’t ready to settle down so early in their life. Although I have previously enjoyed monogamous long-term relationships I’m sure this isn’t usual with most young men.

 

[328982]

Are gay men scared of monogamy or commitment?

Not in my experience.

 

[Brodie888]

It's not a gay thing, it's a man thing.

If women didn't demand monogamy, straight men would probably behave no differently than gay men.

 

[OMGmybf]

It's not a gay thing, it's a man thing.

If women didn't demand monogamy, straight men would probably behave no differently than gay men.

I tend to agree. It sounds shitty (because popular society makes it shitty) but we tend to forget we’re animals. And we evolved with the mentality of furthering our genes, which typically means mating with as many people as possible in order to increase the chances of more offspring. Women on the other hand evolved to want to find typically one strong, healthy male to father all their children while men evolved to mate with as many people as possible. So it lends itself to assume women and men are both wired for monogamy much differently. Granted. In the nature versus nurture argument we can overcome our base desires as we are capable of self control. But. In the gay community especially there less pressure to settle down, have kids/family, etc. I for one like the idea of monogamy and would much rather be settled down than having to “play the field” but there exists the data that some gay men’s minds are actually wired more closely to how a woman’s mind is wired hence for some monogamy comes more naturally.

 

[Infernal]

I can only speak from my own experience. I had a few relationships in my mid 20's and 30's. None of them lasted more than a year and a half. Like others, I was cheated on my every single one of them. I'm a huge proponent of monogamy, but I realize that it doesn't work for everyone, and my husband and I have an open relationship at the moment. It was a compromise.

Having been single for so very long, my biggest personal road block was changing my mindset from being a "me" to a "we" and it's something I still struggle with at times. I'm independent. I like to do things my own way, so learning to compromise was a challenge at times.

There is always someone with a bigger, harder cock, and a sexier body, but I have a man who always comes home to me. He's someone I can depends on, and I'm loved in ways I never experienced before. I'll take that over any Tom with a hairy dick any day.

 

[LittleBuzzSaw]

I can only speak from my own experience. I had a few relationships in my mid 20's and 30's. None of them lasted more than a year and a half. Like others, I was cheated on my every single one of them. I'm a huge proponent of monogamy, but I realize that it doesn't work for everyone, and my husband and I have an open relationship at the moment. It was a compromise.

Having been single for so very long, my biggest personal road block was changing my mindset from being a "me" to a "we" and it's something I still struggle with at times. I'm independent. I like to do things my own way, so learning to compromise was a challenge at times.

There is always someone with a bigger, harder cock, and a sexier body, but I have a man who always comes home to me. He's someone I can depends on, and I'm loved in ways I never experienced before. I'll take that over any Tom with a hairy dick any day.

Open/poly relationships are something I’ll never understand. I know that for some they work, but I will have no part in them.

 

[Infernal]

Open/poly relationships are something I’ll never understand. I know that for some they work, but I will have no part in them.

It was never something I was in favor of, but as I got older my perspective changed. I understand that my sex drive has diminished as I've gotten older and become diabetic. Things just don't work the way they used to. ED drugs aren't a good option for me because the side effects aren't worth the erection. My husband is 9 years older than I am, diabetic as well, but it hasn't affected him the same way. He has the sex drive of a teenager and I simply can't fuck him every single day. It's a compromise. For him, it's just physical release, nothing more. As a courtesy he tells me when it's happening, but I don't want any more details. He sleeps next to me every night, but if he stops for a quick fuck on the way home it really isn't a big issue for me. It really doesn't work for everyone, and I respect that.

 

[LittleBuzzSaw]

It was never something I was in favor of, but as I got older my perspective changed. I understand that my sex drive has diminished as I've gotten older and become diabetic. Things just don't work the way they used to. ED drugs aren't a good option for me because the side effects aren't worth the erection. My husband is 9 years older than I am, diabetic as well, but it hasn't affected him the same way. He has the sex drive of a teenager and I simply can't fuck him every single day. It's a compromise. For him, it's just physical release, nothing more. As a courtesy he tells me when it's happening, but I don't want any more details. He sleeps next to me every night, but if he stops for a quick fuck on the way home it really isn't a big issue for me. It really doesn't work for everyone, and I respect that.

Now .... your specific situation I completely understand, and if I were in your shoes, I’d be 100% on board. In fact, that’s probably the best scenario all the way around.

 

[englad]

I think honestly most of the reason behind this perception is due to cultural conditioning as men. One major element of this is that men are actively discouraged to show their emotions, this will affect us just as it will any other men. Generally speaking the more in touch a guy is with his emotional side, the easier it is to form a monogamous relationship with him. That's been the trend in my experience. I also think people generally tend to be serially monogamous rather than exclusively monogamous.

 

[Infernal]

Now .... your specific situation I completely understand, and if I were in your shoes, I’d be 100% on board. In fact, that’s probably the best scenario all the way around.

The added bonus is when he pissed me off, I can tell him to go get fucked, and actually mean it

 

[KuronoB]

I live in New York, which is a city with a lot of people and endless possibilities in the gay dating scene. However, even if going on dates is easy, finding someone who is willing to commit, consider a long term relationship or at least exclusivity while dating is hard. Sometimes seems like gay men are always looking for the next best guy, or they just don't want to miss the single life and all the possibilities.

Why do you thing is so hard to find someone willing to settle down? Are gay men scared of monogamy or commitment?

Gay men are not scared of monogamy or commitment, as other posters have said. But in big cities, especially New York, people are always looking for the next best thing. Dating in New York City is such a struggle because it has a lot of people and endless possibilities. There is always a hotter guy or bigger dick or nicer ass just around the corner, or a few steps away on the train, or just across the cafe/bar/gym/wherever. Why stick with one guy when you can try to get a better guy? This affects straight men and women too.

 

[dfw051980]

I don’t think all gay men are scared of monogamy but it’s certainly hard to find. I’ve been ready to settle down for quite awhile but every guy I’m attracted to seems to not be looking for that.

 

[LittleBuzzSaw]

The added bonus is when he pissed me off, I can tell him to go get fucked, and actually mean it

HAHAHA!!!!!

 

[Amaethon]

I'm not. I'm always looking for a lifelong monogamous relationship. I have no desire to become a slut and whore myself out to many different men. I'm a staunch monogamist and will demand the same of a future partner. This is non negotiable.

 

[Md83]

I would definitely settle down and have a monogamous long term relationship with the right person. By saying the right person, he might not be perfect, but he is someone that I am willing to compromise with and meet half way to make the relationship work. I know it’s cliche, but sometimes we have to try and put in a little bit effort, change some of our old habits, as long it’s still emotionally and mentally stable for person involved, to make the other person happy.

 

[rikknasss1]

LI NY wish I could find someone .hate the game

 

[dreambridger]

I'm afraid of settling down, but not so much because I want to stay open sexually, but because I'm afraid of sacrificing my solitude completely.

 

[902369]

- Unrealistic expectations (body image, salary, etc.)
- Ageism and older men liking younger men (did you really think this would work?)
- Internalized homophobia
- Masc 4 Masc
- Masc vs. Fem
- Racism
- Societal pressures

I gave you 7 reasons why gay men don’t settle down and if they do, 99% of the time he relationship is a joke.

 

[Almost40]

I've tried it. It was a disaster. I get bored easily. I wish i knew that way in advance as i "tortured" my previous partners, some of them being absolutyely stunning. If i knew that from an early age i wouldnt get involved. There are quite a few guys like me, who get bored easily and show no interest, after a while, for no particular reason. We are not bad or dishonest, just not good partners. And for sure i am not giving it another spin. So the answer is, no i am not scared of being in a relationship, I just know that i find no interest in relationships. There's no gap to fill, I just get better on my own and what is important is that i dont have to mess othres up.