Are non-monogamous relationships the norm for most gay men?

[earllogjam]

It's just a hunch of mine that most gay men in relationships of at least 5 years or so have sex outside the relationship.

Most of the gay couples I know are not exclusively monogamous. I wonder what other's experiences and observations have been.

I found this interesting study on the internet regarding these types of relationships.

The Couples Study

 

[erratic]

From the researchers, emphasis mine:

Participants were recruited by word of mouth and at gay events, which led to a population that was predominately professional, white Americans. The authors had no trouble finding long-term couples (couples were together an average of 16.2 years), but getting couples to actually participate proved difficult. Consequently, the study reflects the views of couples secure enough to openly discuss their relationship and the way they handle non-monogamy. This clearly skews results, but seems appropriate since the study was aimed at discovering what works.

This study relies on a convenience sample that the authors acknowledge suffers from selection bias. Specificially, these guys were selected at big gay events in big cities. This research is not generalizable to the greater population of gay/bi/queer men, though it offers a window in to the mechanics of some open relationships.

As for my personal experience, I think there are a lot more openly (openly) non-monogamous gay and lesbian relationships because gay and lesbian people are more likely to admit that they've had threesomes, an open relationship, or what have you. Straight people do it too (a lot) but are more in the closet about it. Cheating, after all, is non-monogamy. So are swinging, wife-swapping, cuckolding, key parties and so on.

I would imagine that over 50% of all couples are or have been, in one way or another, non-monogamous. Whether or not that's the norm, I think it's the way the world works.

 

[earllogjam]

I would imagine that over 50% of all couples are or have been, in one way or another, non-monogamous. Whether or not that's the norm, I think it's the way the world works.

It's interesting that 50% also is the divorce rate among het couples.

In terms of gay couples I know I'd say about 80% are non-monogamous or at least one of the two plays outside the relationship. It's odd when you go to a dinner party at a seemingly monogamous gay couple and one of them comes on to you in the kitchen while you are helping clean up or you bump into one of them at a bathhouse.

I think the study is skewed, but I think it's because all the couples they interviewed were somehow linked to the non-monogamous couple who wrote the study. I have a hunch that the couples they interviewedeither they are former sex buddies, friends of friends or members of the same circles of men all linked to the authors. As they say birds of a feather....

 

[InkedDudeFLA]

Men are men. Either straight or gay....they will fuck if they can get away with it.

 

[lowhangers9]

my partner and i have been together for fifteen years. An open relationship has been a major reason for our success. Monogomy is not an issue. we had plenty of tricks before we ever met, and its foulish to think we would never have sex with anyone else except ourselves again. Whats now interesting is that we are almost 50 now, and the number of tricks are exponentially reducing.

 

[minimag]

85% of "statistics" found on the internet are made up.

 

[erratic]

In terms of gay couples I know I'd say about 80% are non-monogamous or at least one of the two plays outside the relationship.

Huh. That sounds like a lot to me, but I imagine there's a fair amount of regional difference. Also, as you said, birds of a feather. Some of my queer friends are like "how come there are no monogamous homos!?!?" while others are like "why can't I just meet a nice guy who's in to open relationships!?!?" And then I know a lot of queer guys who say they love the idea of an open relationship, but just can't do it in real life.

 

[earllogjam]

Huh. That sounds like a lot to me, but I imagine there's a fair amount of regional difference. Also, as you said, birds of a feather. Some of my queer friends are like "how come there are no monogamous homos!?!?" while others are like "why can't I just meet a nice guy who's in to open relationships!?!?" And then I know a lot of queer guys who say they love the idea of an open relationship, but just can't do it in real life.

By birds of a feather I meant that they've all probably played with each other, or can be linked in some way to a sexual tryst - as the interviewed couples were not randomly selected but for the most part referred by other non-monogamous couples to partake in the study.

You really think there are regional differences? Perhaps from big city and small towns but I suspect there is little difference between gay men around the world.

 

[erratic]

You really think there are regional differences? Perhaps from big city and small towns but I suspect there is little difference between gay men around the world.

Yeah, I do think so. I notice big differences just between Canada and the US. And then there are also big generational differences, too... ie. between GBT men born before 1970 and those born after 1980.

I mean, on a fundamental level people are people, absolutely. So on a fundamental level all queer people are more similar than they are different; however, I think culture and cohort have a massive influence on how queerness is expressed, culturally speaking. I don't know about where you're from, but around these parts there are a lot of older queer guys who bemoan what they see as the heterosexualization (for lack of a better word) of young queers...that we younger queer guys are, as they see it, trying to fit ourselves in to a heteronormative mold. And while I do see a fair number of young queer guys around here who are not interested in monogamy, or long term relationships (and I know those two are not mutually exclusive), there are probably just as many who want those things. My guess is it's because we can have them now.

But in places where people can't have that so easily I think non-monogamy is going to be much more the norm because those queer guys who want monogamy (or, as I've often heard, like the idea, but can't be bothered with the "trouble" of more than one partner) without experiencing a lot of social and cultural blowback.

And here I am writing a novel. Haha.

 

[pierceplace]

Men are men. Either straight or gay....they will fuck if they can get away with it.

yes, I was talking with my last sex partner about it, he has his boyfriend I got mine... we cant say no to a willing ass

 

[FuzzyKen]

Open relationships work for some people but also present opportunities for transmission of STD's in totally innocent ways by innocent individuals to innocent individuals. Depending on the structure of the open part they can also be complicated based on that part of the agreement between the partners. I have seen these work, but they are too complicated for me and my other half.

I have also seen many monogamous relationships that have lasted until death separated the partners. My relationship with my other half is well over a decade in length and yet it survives well. We have friends who are couples who have been in their monogamous relationships for many decades.

I don't think that there is any manner in which one can accurately give figures on this.

There is zero difference between gay and hetero relationships or pairings. It is either going to work based on the participants or it isn't.

I have personally seen failure on more open relationships than I have in monogamous ones. It all depends on what is agreed to and what the individuals in the relationship find acceptable to themselves.

Now, that being said if we are out together and some extremely attractive individual comes into view my other-half might comment, "Geez, look at the basket on that one!" or I might comment: "Damn!" Forget the basket. . . .will you look at that ass!"

We are Married and we are not dead. We can look, we can enjoy what we see and neither one of us objects to a kiss or grope of the other in a rare bar situation. What we both know is that we will be home in bed and finish the rest of it together with each other.

I am complemented if some individual finds my other-half attractive, and he feels the same about me.

It's all what works for the individuals involved.

 

[earllogjam]

Open relationships work for some people but also present opportunities for transmission of STD's in totally innocent ways by innocent individuals to innocent individuals. Depending on the structure of the open part they can also be complicated based on that part of the agreement between the partners. I have seen these work, but they are too complicated for me and my other half.

I have also seen many monogamous relationships that have lasted until death separated the partners. My relationship with my other half is well over a decade in length and yet it survives well. We have friends who are couples who have been in their monogamous relationships for many decades.

I don't think that there is any manner in which one can accurately give figures on this.

Just through your experience, would you say most gay couples you know are monogamous or open?

my partner and i have been together for fifteen years. An open relationship has been a major reason for our success. Monogomy is not an issue. we had plenty of tricks before we ever met, and its foulish to think we would never have sex with anyone else except ourselves again. Whats now interesting is that we are almost 50 now, and the number of tricks are exponentially reducing.

Funny about the inverse correlation between age and tricks. :tongue:

Yeah, I do think so. I notice big differences just between Canada and the US. And then there are also big generational differences, too... ie. between GBT men born before 1970 and those born after 1980.

I mean, on a fundamental level people are people, absolutely. So on a fundamental level all queer people are more similar than they are different; however, I think culture and cohort have a massive influence on how queerness is expressed, culturally speaking. I don't know about where you're from, but around these parts there are a lot of older queer guys who bemoan what they see as the heterosexualization (for lack of a better word) of young queers...that we younger queer guys are, as they see it, trying to fit ourselves in to a heteronormative mold. And while I do see a fair number of young queer guys around here who are not interested in monogamy, or long term relationships (and I know those two are not mutually exclusive), there are probably just as many who want those things. My guess is it's because we can have them now.

But in places where people can't have that so easily I think non-monogamy is going to be much more the norm because those queer guys who want monogamy (or, as I've often heard, like the idea, but can't be bothered with the "trouble" of more than one partner) without experiencing a lot of social and cultural blowback.

And here I am writing a novel. Haha.

You think more monogamy among younger gay couples is the result of assimilation into straight society and the desire to be accepted by hets?

Or perhaps, as you said, it's a viable socially accepted option now which was not truly an option for the older generation of gay guys. Aren't we all conditioned from youth to fall in love, get married and live with that person until we die?

 

[B_VinylBoy]

Now, that being said if we are out together and some extremely attractive individual comes into view my other-half might comment, "Geez, look at the basket on that one!" or I might comment: "Damn!" Forget the basket. . . .will you look at that ass!"

We are Married and we are not dead. We can look, we can enjoy what we see and neither one of us objects to a kiss or grope of the other in a rare bar situation. What we both know is that we will be home in bed and finish the rest of it together with each other.

My partner and I joke about some of the celebrities that would come to the computer store I work at that we both find to be extremely hot. Without name dropping, we've had actors who played some of the naked inmates on "Oz" stop by among other interesting prime time shows that feature full male nudity. When I tell him about them and how "friendly" they they were, he always asks me, "Why didn't you bring him back for a private consultation," with a sly and dirty grin. :wink:

 

[erratic]

Or perhaps, as you said, it's a viable socially accepted option now which was not truly an option for the older generation of gay guys.

That's exactly what I think. You just worded it better than I did.

Aren't we all conditioned from youth to fall in love, get married and live with that person until we die?

Absolutely, but I think that more and more GLBT people are starting to see themselves reflected in that social narrative, don't you? Not everywhere, certainly - not by a long shot. But I think the traditional North American hegemonic narrative for queer men living the downtown gay existence (gym, club, bathhouse, multiple partners, etc) is eroding as men who aren't in to that, or elements of it (and I realise I'm speaking in huge generalisations here), migrate to other narratives. Some people see it as assimilation in to heteronormative culture, and in to broken social institutions. I see it as people choosing the way of life they prefer. That's why I said I think there are regional variations. It's a lot easier to be married and out in Toronto than it is in Tehran.