Are Single People More Socially And Mentally "healthy"?

GoingOnABoeing

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There isn't a single friend that has gotten married that I am still in regular contact with. All of them now either have no friends or only a few married couples they see occasionally. My parents included. Neither of my parents have any friends that they hang out with regularly.

All too often we see that someone is completely lost when their spouse dies or even if they get divorced. They have been withdrawn for so long and made that person their entire world.

Why do most married people behave this way? It just doesn't seem wise to put your entire focus on one person. Most rational people would not put all of their money in a single investment. It usually ends in disappointment or disaster. For me I couldn't imagine spending every moment with the same person. It would get dull really quick. My parents are pretty much just roommates at this point. They go to eat together and then stay in different parts of the house the rest of the time. No romance or social life left. I definitely don't want that to be me one day.
 

twoton

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Those are all good points. But you also leave out the good parts of being in a long term monogamous relationship like marriage.

And I know plenty of people who are married and extremely active among friends.

My wife and I are pretty much what you described, but I’m ok with that. I’ve always felt a little bit uncomfortable around couples who are always spending time with friends.
 
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Gj816

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Sadly that is true for a lot of married people and couples. I don't think it is intentional, rather just happens. They get married and at the beginning are adjusting to married life and living together.

Then the wife gets pregnant with their first child and their life Iis forever changed. It becomes a chore to go out because of the baby. Then another child comes along and before you know it you're stuck in a rut. You have a few friends that are also couples with children. Your families and work.

Before you know it you've got a dad body because you're in the same routine of work home and kids.

But the time grandkids come along you're mostly tired from years of work, paying bills and being a responsible parent/ adult. Raising a family and providing for them is a full time commitment. Your sex life may or may not be what it once was. You've got 30 or 40 years invested in each other and you are approaching retirement.

Some couples are perfectly happy in these situations. It's healthy for them. They've got their children and perhaps they've got grandchildren.

But I suppose what you are not seeing is that through the years these married couples have had a good life. They've got a comfortable home, nice vehicles, hopefully good health. They've made good memories and they've got the money to eat out every day. It keeps them moving, active and happy. Regardless of age a body in motion stays in motion. So it's not all bad.

My parents have been married for 65 years in October. They still sleep in the same bed. Live in the same house for 52 years. They are active and for the most part healthy. Most importantly they are happy.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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There isn't a single friend that has gotten married that I am still in regular contact with. All of them now either have no friends or only a few married couples they see occasionally. My parents included. Neither of my parents have any friends that they hang out with regularly.

All too often we see that someone is completely lost when their spouse dies or even if they get divorced. They have been withdrawn for so long and made that person their entire world.

Why do most married people behave this way? It just doesn't seem wise to put your entire focus on one person. Most rational people would not put all of their money in a single investment. It usually ends in disappointment or disaster. For me I couldn't imagine spending every moment with the same person. It would get dull really quick. My parents are pretty much just roommates at this point. They go to eat together and then stay in different parts of the house the rest of the time. No romance or social life left. I definitely don't want that to be me one day.

Studies consistently indicate that people are happier overall when they have a long-term partner.

We observe others and judge their lives based upon our values. Their values may be far different than ours. Your parents may be happy, or not. The fact that they stay apart most of the day may be exactly what they want and need. While they are in different rooms, they each know the other is there, and that can be a great comfort. They may not desire romance (or you may not see what they find romantic), and they may simply not need to socialize...this happens to some people as they age, and others perhaps never were sociable. There are people who find socializing tedious or exhausting.

People typically change their social habits when they get married or have some other monogamous relationship. Couples tend to gravitate to others with similar interests and lifestyles, especially when they become parents. They have fewer friends simply because time is committed to career and parenting, and to their own relationship.

The bottom line is that relationships are infinitely varied. They only need to make sense to those in the relationship, and may seem downright silly or horrible to others.

You're an adult: talk with your parents and see whether they'll share some insight into their relationship. It may be enlightening, one way or another.
 

twoton

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Meh, some people need others to complete them, and others are great all by themselves...says this single guy always. :cool:

This. My wife is an introvert. She's not at all shy, she's quite assertive with other people, she's quite competent and accomplished when she interacts with other people.
If you give her a choice of a night on the town or staying home alone to read a book, she'd chooses the book.
 
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I was an introvert before being with my sweetie and still am. I am pleased to have found someone who doesn't perturb my introvert self. He was an introvert before meeting me and he still is. We have social circles, some of which overlap a bit. We just opt to not spend much time around those friends in person. It's not that we're unable to socialize and have intelligent/casual/comedic/whatever conversation with a variety of people, it's that we prefer not to.

Are there unhealthy, unhappy people in relationships out there? Of course. There are unhealthy, unhappy single people out there too, though. Relationships aren't everyone's thing, so if it isn't your gig, be single and happy. Some people find the person or people who fit and compliment them, and are in a relationship and happy. Whatever works
 

japetty

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Check the graveyard headstones, you will see either the husband is already dead and the wife does not have an end date or your will see the husband passed years prior to the wife. This has a different situation at times such as in the case with my Great grand parents, my ggf died one day and my ggm died the following day both died of influenza.

I take photos of headstones at graveyards near me on web site www.findagrave.com when someone requests a photograph be taken for a memorial
 

marriedasian

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i don't believe being married or not has any direct correlation to social and/or mental health. marriage is nothing more than a legal choice to commit into an exclusive relationship with another person. you may throw in personal values and emotions into the mix but when it comes down to the core of it, i still stand by my statement. you do have the outliers (like myself) wherein the exclusivity is not absolute however at the end of the day, those couples still go home together.

social and mental health comes down to each unique person. i think having someone else in their lives do affect them somewhat however not too much overall. you are who you are, after all. more than most, you usually end up with someone like you or someone who can tolerate you. if not for this case, the relationship probably won't survive long-term.

i think that building your world around your spouse is very dangerous. making your spouse the center of your world is not healthy, in my opinion. you should be your own center and have everyone else revolve around you to include your spouse, friends, family, hobbies, interests, talents, and everything else that makes up who you are. this way you can focus on yourself and are free to change as you please and are able to improve yourself as time goes by. as you change and get better, the things that revolve around may continue to hang around or not depending on whether or not they can keep up with the new you. now this has nothing to do with being a selfish person per se, it's simply keeping you in the forefront so you don't lose yourself in the devotion of another.

my wife and i still go out and hang out with other couples and friends. she has some friends that are only acquaintances to me and that i barely know and i have some of the same stature with her. we both continue to have external lives outside of our marriage as individuals because we each maintain ourselves for our own selves then in-turn that energy leaks into our marriage and keeps us together. we make time for each other as a couple and as individuals.

remember that you always have a choice in how and what you are. if you are in a marriage and cannot do this then you need to really consider getting out or at the least, having a good talk with your spouse/partner.
 
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LaFemme

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Apparently single women live longer longer than married women and married men live longer than single men. The supposition is that married women spend more time stressed which impacts their health, while they help men eat better and tend to their physical health which helps married men live longer. I wonder if that still holds true with less traditional marriage roles.
 
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sangheili90

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Some people are just not cut out for marriage or serious relationships, though I feel many of them are not truly aware of it.

The longest I've ever gone out with a woman was for a little over a month, dated a lot of girls over the past couple years but for very short time periods. The overall feeling I get with them is one of stress and annoyance, and it's to the point where it becomes detrimental to all of the other amazing things I have going for me right now. My life revolves around a handful of things; making money, working out/active pass times, hanging with the boys, school and just personal down time (reading, watching movies, etc.). I would rather pursue those things above than invest my time into some woman, whom I'm probably not all that into anyway.

With that aside, I'm genuinely NOT attracted to the majority of women out there that I see. I'm personally in a tough predicament because I'm in my late twenties, so attractive women that are within my dating range are generally married or in a serious relationship already.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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Some people are just not cut out for marriage or serious relationships, though I feel many of them are not truly aware of it.

The longest I've ever gone out with a woman was for a little over a month, dated a lot of girls over the past couple years but for very short time periods. The overall feeling I get with them is one of stress and annoyance, and it's to the point where it becomes detrimental to all of the other amazing things I have going for me right now. My life revolves around a handful of things; making money, working out/active pass times, hanging with the boys, school and just personal down time (reading, watching movies, etc.). I would rather pursue those things above than invest my time into some woman, whom I'm probably not all that into anyway.

With that aside, I'm genuinely NOT attracted to the majority of women out there that I see. I'm personally in a tough predicament because I'm in my late twenties, so attractive women that are within my dating range are generally married or in a serious relationship already.

The closet door does open, you know.
 

GoingOnABoeing

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Some people are just not cut out for marriage or serious relationships, though I feel many of them are not truly aware of it.

The longest I've ever gone out with a woman was for a little over a month, dated a lot of girls over the past couple years but for very short time periods. The overall feeling I get with them is one of stress and annoyance, and it's to the point where it becomes detrimental to all of the other amazing things I have going for me right now. My life revolves around a handful of things; making money, working out/active pass times, hanging with the boys, school and just personal down time (reading, watching movies, etc.). I would rather pursue those things above than invest my time into some woman, whom I'm probably not all that into anyway.

With that aside, I'm genuinely NOT attracted to the majority of women out there that I see. I'm personally in a tough predicament because I'm in my late twenties, so attractive women that are within my dating range are generally married or in a serious relationship already.

Great post. My relationships where never more than skin deep. I've never sought emotional support from them. I've always turned to friends for that. I'm also not a fan of having to answer to someone else.
 

sangheili90

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Great post. My relationships where never more than skin deep. I've never sought emotional support from them. I've always turned to friends for that. I'm also not a fan of having to answer to someone else.

It's important to have your own friends, life, hobbies and interests that do not include your significant other at all. I've known of a lot of people over the years who had their lives almost completely revolve around their other half; same social circles, etc. I feel that a lot of this is stems from insecurity and/or just not having a life at all, at the end of the day the average person lives a boring and uneventful life.

I look for women that are similar to me; enjoy active pass times/working out, take care of themselves, educated, have a life goal(s), etc. However, I also want to have my own space, be able to have friends of my own and all that. It wouldn't be healthy for me or said potential female to literally do everything with me all the time, it is important for her to also have her own life that does not include me at all.

At the end of the day, I'm not looking for a friend, I already have those.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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It's important to have your own friends, life, hobbies and interests that do not include your significant other at all. I've known of a lot of people over the years who had their lives almost completely revolve around their other half; same social circles, etc. I feel that a lot of this is stems from insecurity and/or just not having a life at all, at the end of the day the average person lives a boring and uneventful life.

I look for women that are similar to me; enjoy active pass times/working out, take care of themselves, educated, have a life goal(s), etc. However, I also want to have my own space, be able to have friends of my own and all that. It wouldn't be healthy for me or said potential female to literally do everything with me all the time, it is important for her to also have her own life that does not include me at all.

At the end of the day, I'm not looking for a friend, I already have those.


Why don't you leave advice about long-term relationships to those who've actually had at least one? Your posts read like a self-help how-to book. The real world, and real people, and real relationships, don't follow any rules.

Feel free to tell us how you've gleaned your advice about marriages and LTRs from your own experiences, that have lasted no more than a couple of months with no commitment.

Some people crave a "boring and uneventful" life. Some are empowered by a partner who is with them as much as possible. Some thrive on shared interests. I'm not saying that time apart and separate interests aren't good for some...they are, of course. But not for everyone.

The inability of you and the OP to understand that your ways aren't the only "mentally healthy" ways is rather closed-minded. Just once, try to understand how others feel.
 
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GoingOnABoeing your observation has a lot to do with how the “center of gravity” in a relationship changes once married (or in a committed bf/gf).

A good bit of research supports the idea that one of the partners (usual the female) will work to cut off the other (usually male) from former friends, family, and other life roles. She typically does this to focus the male’s attention on to her and into the world where she has most support and influence.
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marriedasian, your point appears to be that wife, children, friends or others should not own you and in like manor, you should not own them.

**That said what/or where should be the emotional middle ground be when love for another individual(s) is measured on a scale of being devoted to the well being of another?
Lots to think about in the article: Yes, Men Have Been Cheated

Yes, Men Have Been Cheated


An AARP study estimates that one in three Americans aged 45 and up (that’s 42 million people) are chronically lonely, up from one in five ten years before. Cigna released a 2018 study, which shows that “nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone.” The Cigna study goes on the say, “Generation Z (adults ages 18–22) is the loneliest generation and claims to be in worse health than older generations.”


Whats more, chronic loneliness is as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking, increasing the likelihood of cancer, diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, obesity, depression, and a raft of other illnesses. Cancer metastasizes faster in lonely people. The alarming reality is that for millions of men (and for the women who love them), anxiety, stress and loneliness are our toxic baselines.
 

ItsAll4Kim

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GoingOnABoeing your observation has a lot to do with how the “center of gravity” in a relationship changes once married (or in a committed bf/gf).

A good bit of research supports the idea that one of the partners (usual the female) will work to cut off the other (usually male) from former friends, family, and other life roles. She typically does this to focus the male’s attention on to her and into the world where she has most support and influence.
--------------------------------------------
marriedasian, your point appears to be that wife, children, friends or others should not own you and in like manor, you should not own them.

**That said what/or where should be the emotional middle ground be when love for another individual(s) is measured on a scale of being devoted to the well being of another?
Lots to think about in the article: Yes, Men Have Been Cheated

Yes, Men Have Been Cheated


An AARP study estimates that one in three Americans aged 45 and up (that’s 42 million people) are chronically lonely, up from one in five ten years before. Cigna released a 2018 study, which shows that “nearly half of Americans report sometimes or always feeling alone.” The Cigna study goes on the say, “Generation Z (adults ages 18–22) is the loneliest generation and claims to be in worse health than older generations.”


Whats more, chronic loneliness is as high a risk factor for mortality as smoking, increasing the likelihood of cancer, diabetes, heart disease, Alzheimer’s disease, obesity, depression, and a raft of other illnesses. Cancer metastasizes faster in lonely people. The alarming reality is that for millions of men (and for the women who love them), anxiety, stress and loneliness are our toxic baselines.
That article doesn't say, at all, what you're stating at the beginning of this post. In fact, it implies the opposite: that people thrive as partners, as a community, not as solitary individuals.
 
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