Are You Drawn to the "Needy" Types?

[steve319]

Heavy relationship question here, but first your required reading assignment...

“High on Sunday 51” by Aimee Mann

The monkey knows how you'll react
Creating want by holding back
Like some reverse pyromaniac
Let me try, baby, try

I propped my window up and then
I turned my back to lure you in
To rifle through what I might have been
Let me try, baby, try

Baby, please -- let me begin
Let me be your heroin
Hate the sinner but love the sin
Let me be your heroin

We have crossed the Rubicon
Our ship awash, our rudder gone
The rats have fled but I'm hanging on
Let me try, baby, try

Baby, please -- let me begin
Let me be your heroin
Hate the sinner but love the sin
Let me be your heroin

(Nice heroin/heroine thing, huh?)

Are you a “fixer” in your relationships? Do you pick someone who, because of emotional issues or a troubled background or substance abuse problems or whatever, is desperately in need of rescue and repair? Are you drawn to the needy ones?

Or, conversely, do you attract these hero-types? Are you the one who is (perceived as?) falling to a sad end, thereby pulling in the ones who think helping you get over your hang-ups is a personal mission?

 

[naughty]

Steve,
here is my answer in verse! LOL! I hope you enjoy it!

NO, no ,NO! ,
I've got to run
Ive got to hide
I'm not your
magic carpet ride.

Dont look for me
to quench your thrist
Wont be the last
sure aint the first
to think this bird
looks best encaged
its oh so wrong
this plot youve staged.

Go, grasping hands
and needy souls
I have no light
for your black holes

You've me enthroned
with purple robe
But I'm the queen
Commitment phobe.


Seriously,
Neediness comes in many forms. But I guess when I see it I can spot it in all of its variety and I dont like it. I think there is a natural supporting of one another in a normal relationship, and then there is the unhealthy codependence built on issues. For the needy that says it all be it emotional, physical or economic. For the giver , this person too is needy in need of affirmation. Neither is a good basis for a mature well functioning relationship. Jealousy is not love, it is the fear of loss and fear of control. I have had enough morey eels ( human leeches) of the emotional and monetary kind. I am not their parent and soon may not be a friend because friendship goes two ways. Anything else is dishonest and being called by the wrong name. Getting locked in a car, or screamed at unnecessarily for sins un imagined is enough for me at least to head for the hills....

Naughty

 

[Supportive Female]

First: the two [above] posts are better than what you would find on a lot of sites geared toward poets, english majors, and psychology majors. Well done!

To answer the question posed: how about an option of "learning from one's mistakes" and no longer being attracted to (or repelled by) those individuals who have personalities that are toxic to your own life-patterns.

It's just a thought...

 

[Dr Rock]

nope. I don't allow myself to engage on any emotional level with anyone nowadays, precisely because I long ago got utterly tired with other people's bullshit. no-one else is worth that much to me, and I don't want anyone else convincing themselves I'm worth that much to them, either.

 

[rope9839]

Biggest issue in my life. Lost 12 years and seven figures to an ex with a compulsive gambling problem, among other issues. Should have learned, but I am now involved with a couple of charity cases. Show me a pretty girl with big issues and I am all over it. I know I can't fix these people and that my associations with them are causing me to miss my own potential, but I feel pretty helpless to do anything about it. therapy has helped, but only to the point that I recognize what I am doing - not to the point that I can actually stop the behavior.

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 10:01 AM
nope. I don't allow myself to engage on any emotional level with anyone nowadays, precisely because I long ago got utterly tired with other people's bullshit. no-one else is worth that much to me, and I don't want anyone else convincing themselves I'm worth that much to them, either.

[post=309992]Quoted post[/post]​

"Dreams unwind, loves a state of mind......"

 

[Dr Rock]

huh?

 

[naughty]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 10:01 AM
nope.  I don't allow myself to engage on any emotional level with anyone nowadays, precisely because I long ago got utterly tired with other people's bullshit.  no-one else is worth that much to me, and I don't want anyone else convincing themselves I'm worth that much to them, either.

[post=309992]Quoted post[/post]​

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark december;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.


Please ignore my reference to an earlier post by Dr.Rock. I hope you all enjoy the lyrics to Paul Simon's "I am a rock" however as an example of isolation vs generativity...


Naughty

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 12:33 PM
huh?

[post=310023]Quoted post[/post]​

Its from a song. What you posted reminded me of that song...........

"It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live "

Oops, there I go again.....

 

[EFH33]

Originally posted by alleyblu+May 11 2005, 12:53 PM--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(alleyblu &#064; May 11 2005, 12:53 PM)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 12:33 PM
huh?

[post=310023]Quoted post[/post]​

Its from a song. What you posted reminded me of that song...........

"It&#39;s the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
It&#39;s the dream afraid of wakingthat never takes the chance
It&#39;s the one who won&#39;t be taken
who cannot seem to give
and the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live "

Oops, there I go again.....

[post=310031]Quoted post[/post]​

[/b][/quote]

"When the night seems so lonely
and the road... it seems too long.
And you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong.
Just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow.
Lies the seed
That with the sun&#39;s love
In the spring becomes the rose"

Sorry... I had to finish it.

 

[txquis]

I&#39;m not attracted to the addicted or the mentally ill.

I *WAS* a sucker for the vulnerable, and ill-used.
I devoted five years of a relationship to being the "savior" for
someone who had been neglected and abused as a child,
and succeeded to some extent.

But in the end, that personality-type moves back out into the sunlight,
says, "thanks for all your help when i was a mess",
and ventures out into new adventures with new people.

Now, i just seek people who make me laugh, are secure,
and share many of my views.

 

[Freddie53]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 05:01 AM
nope. I don&#39;t allow myself to engage on any emotional level with anyone nowadays, precisely because I long ago got utterly tired with other people&#39;s bullshit. no-one else is worth that much to me, and I don&#39;t want anyone else convincing themselves I&#39;m worth that much to them, either.

[post=309992]Quoted post[/post]​

Dr. Rock, we are just different. I am a people person and I draw strength from other people. Even though I know some are fake and full of shit. Sometimes I am full of shit too. Different strokes for different folks i guess.

I hope you are happy and content with your life. What ever you want to get out of life, I hope you have found it or will find it.

 

[Pene_Negro_Grande]

My best friend&#39;s girl friend is one of those girls who thinks she can fix a broken person...My best friend has emotional and substance problems and his girlfriend who has no clue thinks she is going to be his savior...I mean she trys to isolate him from his friends, invade his privacy and then share issues w/his parents...

And I know some guy friends of mine that have no emotional survivor skills...Once a girl dumps one friend of mine - he quickly jumps into another relationship w/in a day or two...I have tried to talk to this guy but it is like talking to a brick wall...I have even gone as far as to tell him he got some serious issues and he responds that he knows but can&#39;t help it...It is pretty pitiful to see a grown man get attached deeply to someone he just met and he is a wreck when he gets dumped...I kid you not this guy has probably been dumped by 10 girls in the last year or so...He leeches on to girl and wants to be around them constantly...

 

[Dr Rock]

hey folks, maybe since you don&#39;t know anything about my life or my reasons for emotional self-sufficiency, it might be a good idea for you NOT to try associating me with your own experiences and/or lack thereof in that area. I am not amused when people try to stick labels of any kind on me. the fact that I choose not to distract myself with the dross and dysfunctions of other peoples&#39; lives, or try to find obscure meanings or profundities in all that crap, does not mean I&#39;m afraid of somebody soldering an engagement ring to my finger in my sleep or some shit like that. it simply means that I don&#39;t believe in wasting my time or effort in pursuit of masochistic/self-pitying nonsense.

 

[Alley Blue]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 05:09 PM
hey folks, maybe since you don&#39;t know anything about my life or my reasons for emotional self-sufficiency, it might be a good idea for you NOT to try associating me with your own experiences and/or lack thereof in that area.  I am not amused when people try to stick labels of any kind on me.  the fact that I choose not to distract myself with the dross and dysfunctions of other peoples&#39; lives, or try to find obscure meanings or profundities in all that crap, does not mean I&#39;m afraid of somebody soldering an engagement ring to my finger in my sleep or some shit like that.  it simply means that I don&#39;t believe in wasting my time or effort in pursuit of masochistic/self-pitying nonsense.

[post=310113]Quoted post[/post]​

I really did&#39;nt mean to attract attention to Dr.Rocks post. I simply was fascinated by it because I really understood what he meant..... or at least I think I do......

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 05:09 PM
hey folks, maybe since you don&#39;t know anything about my life or my reasons for emotional self-sufficiency, it might be a good idea for you NOT to try associating me with your own experiences and/or lack thereof in that area. I am not amused when people try to stick labels of any kind on me.

Some of us are not amused by your constant sticking of labels onto us based on your perceptions, and often misconceptions, of our religious views. Our lack of amusement doesn&#39;t stop you, does it?

 

[Dr Rock]

Originally posted by DoubleMeatWhopper@May 11 2005, 08:28 PM
Some of us are not amused by your constant sticking of labels onto us based on your perceptions, and often misconceptions, of our religious views. Our lack of amusement doesn&#39;t stop you, does it?

[post=310194]Quoted post[/post]​

nope, and here&#39;s why: you stick those labels on yourselves by publicly endorsing organized religions, then try to squirm out of them when someone points out the unacceptable aspects of your particular sects. if you declare yourselves adherents of a specific religion, you&#39;re saying "I believe in this and this and this (whatever), I support the existence and activities of this church (or whatever), and I&#39;m perfectly happy for everybody else to know all those things about me."

I&#39;m just the observer there.

 

[naughty]

Dr Rock,

I will delete the portion of an earlier post that was so presumptious as to ask a question about your online name. Thank you for informing us not to refer to you in any manner. I will try to remember that in the future....


Naughty

 

[B_DoubleMeatWhopper]

Originally posted by Dr Rock@May 11 2005, 09:21 PM
you stick those labels on yourselves by publicly endorsing organized religions, then try to squirm out of them when someone points out the unacceptable aspects of your particular sects. if you declare yourselves adherents of a specific religion, you&#39;re saying "I believe in this and this and this (whatever), I support the existence and activities of this church (or whatever), and I&#39;m perfectly happy for everybody else to know all those things about me."

The labels &#39;weak&#39; and &#39;stupid&#39; are not labels that I have stuck on myself, those were your words. You tend to lump all Christians who are members of organized religion into one group. I can assure you that my beliefs are not identical with anyone else&#39;s simply by virtue of what faith I profess. The only personal beliefs of mine that you know for sure are those that I have divulged here, and some of those beliefs are not exactly orthodox Catholic doctrine. What aspects most people find unacceptable about the Catholic Church are often unacceptable to Catholics as well, but we choose to work within the Church rather than pooh-pooh it and walk away. Maybe since you don&#39;t know anything about my life or my reasons for being a member of my Church (and you have demonstrated that you don&#39;t), it might be a good idea for you NOT to try associating me with your own experiences and/or lack thereof in that area.

 

[Freddie53]

you stick those labels on yourselves

[post=310284]Quoted post[/post]​

Thanks DMW for your two posts on this. I do not agree with everything the United Methodist Church endorces either. On the floor of the General Conference some of those decisions were by only a small margin. So no one speaks for me personally except me.

But you did speak for me in answering Dr. Rock. The sword cuts both ways.
I want to echo one statement by DMW that is true. I doubt there is any person who believes exactly as I do about every thing all the time. I have changed my mind myself on some issues through the years.

But, DMW and I are close enough in our theological beliefs that I would be honored to sit in the pew next to him and worship whether it be at his church, my church or another church we are both visiting.

By the way DMW, in several Methodist Churches I have been associated wtih there have been Catholics because the nearest Catholic Church was very far away. Some became United Methodists and some remained Catholic. But all worshiped freely at the church.

I loved the Mass the few times I have been. It is much like the Methodist Ritual of Holy Communion. Very similiar. Much of the liturgy of both is from the Bible. Evengelical Fundamental Christians don&#39;t understand that. And I felt very comfortable in the Catholic Church. I have played the organ for several Catholic services. (Weddings and funerals with and without Holy Communion.) I was very welcomed by the priest in each occassion. I have family in the Catholic Church.

And DMW, my nephew was married in a Catholic Church in New Orleans. It was close to the French Quarter. I am not expert in archetecture but I think it is in the Rococo style. It looks like archetecture from the late 1700&#39;s and yet a little Renaissance too. The church is I guessed to be 100 years old. It has been recently restored. It had a portaco over the high alter or Table of the Lord. The walls were ivory and gold guilt. It is a beautiful church. You may know the church I am talking about. I liked it better than the Cathedral. It was smaller, though still large, and more intimate.

I was very touched in the wedding when the bride and groom went over to a side altar I believed dedicated to St. Mary and a memorial for my late father as well as grandparents of the bride were offered. My father, a Protestant minister, was remembered in the liturgy of the Roman Catholic Church. I was very touched and never forget it. And I always light a candle in a Catholic Chruch for another nephew who is very ill and will likely die within five years. I wish we Protestants lit candles for the needy and sick.

Again, thanks for your excellent posts. A lot of words could be said about you. Weak is not one of them, physically, mentally or emotionally.