Are You In A Committed Yet Open Relationship? Please Advise.

Electric_V

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Hey gang.
So I'm wondering what experiences you have with being committed to your partner and your relationship but still opening up the relationship.
In what ways was it a good experience for you? In what ways was it tough? Do you feel like it's worth it? Do you feel like it's for a specific type of person or is it for anyone?
 
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Countryguy63

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Partner and I have been together 10 years, definitely committed to many, many more. We opened up our relationship about 5 years ago.

Good;
We have really learned a lot about open communication and how important it is for a successful open relationship. We have met quite a few guys from apps that we have actually become friends with.

Tough;
I would say for a while in the beginning, it's definitely going to be tough. One or both of you may have feelings and insecurities come up that you don't think are there. It will take a lot self reflection and working with your partner to get through them.

It is definitely NOT for everyone.
 

marriedasian

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my wife and i have been married and open for a long time now and even so when we were dating exclusively. i can say it's definitely not for everyone and even then, there can still be hurt feelings (or even worse hurt feelings than normal). in this kind of relationship, all you have is trust since the door is wide open for anyone to come in or you to go out.

i think it comes down to what you want in a relationship. for me, i wanted to have sex with a variety of people and be committed to only one. it takes a long time to bond with someone to a level of deep trust but not so much when it comes to fucking (unless you hold sex until that bond is created). everyone is different. also, sex and love are two different things to me and i keep them separate. not many people can do this. i like to have sex for the physical pleasure and i like to love for the connection.

all i can say is that you won't know until you try. the only warning i can give is that it's a one-way street. if you make that choice, accept all the consequences from it. i've seen many of my friends (both men and women) get very hurt and end relationships because they or their partner was "curious" and then the other couldn't handle the aftermath.
 

Wales1909

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This is very interesting for me.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now and love him very much and wouldn’t be without him,
But I’m finding I want to explore Sex more and do things he doesn’t. He’s not very adventurous in that way.
He’s always said he doesn’t like the idea of an open relationship or sharing me.

how did those with open relationships start the conversation? Who was the first to say it? And what did you do to get your partner to say yes?
 
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marriedasian

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This is very interesting for me.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now and love him very much and wouldn’t be without him,
But I’m finding I want to explore Sex more and do things he doesn’t. He’s not very adventurous in that way.
He’s always said he doesn’t like the idea of an open relationship or sharing me.

how did those with open relationships start the conversation? Who was the first to say it? And what did you do to get your partner to say yes?

my wife was already onboard with an open relationship before we married and before we started to exclusively date so in the case of her, it was a criteria from the get-go.

prior to my wife, i did have a girlfriend that was all for open relationships until we got serious then she did a 180 on me and told me she was not down with sharing me. apparently, she never learned to love herself so she always went into relationships loosely with very low expectations (even with me). it was only until things started to get serious and she finally was able to "believe" that i was a decent guy that her true intentions came out. unfortunately, it wasn't what i wanted. i wanted to love and fuck... she wanted to love and make love.

i tried for months to change her mind and used all forms of logic and reasoning but she would not budge and was starting to go psycho on me. her jealousy and insecurity got out of control and it ultimately ended with me walking away one day and never looking back. to this day, i feel sorry for the poor guy that ends up with her but i do take some solace in that there are guys out there that want a woman like her, oddly enough.

my point is that if you partner says "no" then you're up shit creek, especially if you value your partner. you can slowly try to change their mind but it will be a long and hard road. it may be worth it in the end if you can get there but don't bet the barn on it.
 
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51arledge

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I'm in a 31 year gay relationship, and we were finally able to get married in 2009 in Massachusetts. We were never all that compatible sexually but had an intense emotional and intellectual bond from the start. Our relationship also began during the AIDS crisis of the late 1980's and we were both seeing friends die every week. There was a huge component of safety in having a committed relationship.
In 2007, husband began to have major health issues and was near death several times between 2007 and 2010.

As a consequence of some of those illnesses and a severe disability that requires pain management, any notion of sexual intimacy ended in 2010. In truth though, we hadn't had sex in over a decade at that point.

I have stayed with him out of deep love and the knowledge that he would be in a nursing home if not for me. We did a couple of year of therapy in 2012 and 13, and during
 

51arledge

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Continued...
And during therapy he acknowledged that we would never again be able to have any kind of sexual intimacy, and that I was entitled to have some fun and keep my sexuality engaged. And so, I began to play around. Husband's only rule was that I not play at home and that we not talk about it.

Since then, I've had numerous play times at the gym showers and steam room, but also a few hookups at other locations. There have also been 3 longer term FB relationships that lasted months or years.
Then, this summer, I met a great guy---just my type and a man I could spend a lifetime with. BUT, he and I both made it clear at the beginning: I was not going to leave my husband, he wasn't interested in monogamy, and he is moving to his hometown in the spring after finishing his graduate degree.

And then, about a month ago, I came home and husband asked where I had been. I said, " Do you really want to know the answer?" He said, "Yes." And the shit hit the fan.

Husband's idea was that I would only do the occasional thing at the gym, but I pointed out that that was both risky in terms getting caught as well as risky regardings infections, etc. He was distraught but I reassured him that if I didn't really love him unconditionally I would have left years ago. His 2 best friends apparently said something similar, because things have settled and I'm still having fun.
 

lucasnorth13

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Same situation here. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

This is very interesting for me.

I’ve been with my husband for 10 years now and love him very much and wouldn’t be without him,
But I’m finding I want to explore Sex more and do things he doesn’t. He’s not very adventurous in that way.
He’s always said he doesn’t like the idea of an open relationship or sharing me.

how did those with open relationships start the conversation? Who was the first to say it? And what did you do to get your partner to say yes?[/QUOTE
 

WingNut85

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So I'm actually in the opposite end of the equation. I was exploring my sexuality and having some occassional safe meet ups with guys online. Recently, I've met two different guys online, both in long-term, committed and open relationships. I've actually become good friends with both of them now and I'm kinda more exclusively hooking up with them from a safety standpoint, but I also hang out and grab drinks/dinner with them from time to time as well. As a result, they've both shared how their situation started with me and interestingly, their partners weren't interested at the beginning and they both said that they dropped it. But apparently, after some time, both their partners brought it back up and decided it was ok with them. At the time they sounded like they were in long distance relationships so their partners felt bad for depriving them sexually, but even after they joined back up, they continued to have open relationships and group play.

At the end of the day, like other people have said, it seems like your partner has to be the one to make the decision to go forward with it. They also said they didn't bring it up again and their partners were the ones who came to them. I think that was key because otherwise, they might get suspicious and insecure as to why you're so adamant to meet other people.
 
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Countryguy63

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So I'm actually in the opposite end of the equation. I was exploring my sexuality and having some occassional safe meet ups with guys online. Recently, I've met two different guys online, both in long-term, committed and open relationships. I've actually become good friends with both of them now and I'm kinda more exclusively hooking up with them from a safety standpoint, but I also hang out and grab drinks/dinner with them from time to time as well. As a result, they've both shared how their situation started with me and interestingly, their partners weren't interested at the beginning and they both said that they dropped it. But apparently, after some time, both their partners brought it back up and decided it was ok with them. At the time they sounded like they were in long distance relationships so their partners felt bad for depriving them sexually, but even after they joined back up, they continued to have open relationships and group play.

At the end of the day, like other people have said, it seems like your partner has to be the one to make the decision to go forward with it. They also said they didn't bring it up again and their partners were the ones who came to them. I think that was key because otherwise, they might get suspicious and insecure as to why you're so adamant to meet other people.
My partner actually hated the idea when I mentioned it. Like your guys, he was the one that brought it back up once we had been together for 5 years. We have been open the past 5 years, although don't play a lot.
 
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Continued...


Husband's idea was that I would only do the occasional thing at the gym, but I pointed out that that was both risky in terms getting caught as well as risky regardings infections, etc. He was distraught but I reassured him that if I didn't really love him unconditionally I would have left years ago. His 2 best friends apparently said something similar, because things have settled and I'm still having fun.
This last bit interests me, as my partner and I have terms to our limited openness. Over the last couple of years, we have both discussed what is on the table, and what is forbidden. Occasional gym play, maybe a random hook-up when traveling, giving someone a handjob at a urinal..light things, but fun things. Meeting someone, and having a relationship? Definitely not.

Fun, casual play: absolutely. An affair: no.

Because that is what it boils down to if you develop a relationship, at least in our eyes. Granted, some people have polyamorous relationships and that works well for them. For us, our relationship is the only one we want to nurture.

Although, now that I am discussing this, I am reminded of people in both our lives where more-than-platonic feelings exist, and to whom certain freedoms are granted. So, to expand a bit on that.. Those 2 other people, one that I like and one that he likes, are both married to women and have kids. They will not leave their current relationship, and neither will we. Yet, over the years, more has developed with me and my friend, and with my partner and his friend. It's there. We recognize it and have talked about it openly to each other. There hasn't been any sex in those years, yet, but it could happen, and if it did it would be ok.

So, I guess my addition to this conversation is that there aren't absolutes of laws, and that even with agreements there are exceptions. It all depends on your partner, and you.

The biggest thing is communication. Clear and open communication. Hiding and secrets fester, and create a whole other set of behavior that goes against what opening your relationship was supposed to be about from the outset.
 
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1001090

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My partner and I have been together 6 years and have been open for 2. So far it has only involved play in a group setting, or a setting that started off as a group and then split into separate adventures. It's worked for us so far. Communication about this is key, like was mentioned previously, but it is also a challenge. Knowing when and how to bring things up has been difficult before, especially as I am the one with the greater sex drive.
 
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5307911

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My partner and I have been together 6 years and have been open for 2. So far it has only involved play in a group setting, or a setting that started off as a group and then split into separate adventures. It's worked for us so far. Communication about this is key, like was mentioned previously, but it is also a challenge. Knowing when and how to bring things up has been difficult before, especially as I am the one with the greater sex drive.
My partner and I started off with the occasional threesome. So, we'd go out and talk about someone we thought was hot, then go up to that person and see how the conversation went. We didn't always have sex. Sometimes it was just the engagement, like it was practice. Afterwards, sex or not, we would talk about the encounter to the Nth.

We also did a couple of arranged Grindr meetings, and an escort. Very controlled environments, and with no strings. It was a very good way to ease into having sex with other people, and being able to openly talk about what happened, as we were both there.

Somewhere along the line, we acknowledged that we had two very separate tastes in men, which made deciding on who to meet together more difficult. That was when there was a natural transition to discuss the terms of getting what we each liked, within a set of agreed rules.
 
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I have been in a monogamous relation for around 35 years. My partner has been disabled for the last 10 years.

**The key question for both parties in a monogamous relationship (either short term or long term) is, “Am I treated like I want to be treated (and how do I know)”.

Long-term (and short term) monogamous relationships take a lot of work and investment by both parties. Sexual activities and sexual compatibility are only part of the equation.

Other shared factors are: friends, families, jobs, finances, entertainment, ownership of stuff, education, personal ambitions, world view / philosophy of life, recreation / hobbies, time together vs individual time……..)

Should you introduce a third person(s) into the relationship things can get much more complicated. Now, both monogamous partners must deal with many different boundaries in their relationship while still asking the basic question “Am I being treated like I want to be treated (and how do I know)”

xxfriendship.jpg


Should the fate of monogamous partners be driven by a diversity of sexual relationships then their options become almost infinite. But the basic question that holds monogamous couples together is still the same, “Am I treated like I want to be treated (and how do I know)”

non-mon.jpg


At this point the answer for most couples often becomes, “I don’t know if I am being treated like I want to be treated because I don’t know what my partner is doing or why he is doing it”.

An empathetic distance develops between the monogamous couple, they may become confused, and split up.
 

EquusAZ

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Thought I'd weigh in here on the three types of relationships I've had that were 'open' and how they worked out.

The first was when I was young (Age 23-30) and in that one it was on again / off again open. Mostly on my partner's side. He would cheat, we'd open it, he'd get jealous, we'd close it. In the end the relationship suffered because when I would act out on my youthful urges, things went south because of his insecurities. Then we'd close the relationship only for him to cheat on me, and then we'd reopen. Rinse, wash, repeat. In the end the relationship ended due to incompatibilities and lack of communication.

The second was with my second long time partner (who was married to and with while joining on here). We had a somewhat open relationship in that partway through our relationship he suffered from medical issues and could no longer have sex (severed nerves and iliostomy). That one worked well in that rules were established, and I was allowed some freedom when I really needed to act out. The relationship ended for reasons outside of these.

Currently I am in an open relationship. We are VERY much in love, and devoted to each other. We've been together for three years, and have been open for a good while now. We have some ground rules. Things we're comfortable with the other doing with outsiders, and limitations on how involved we can be with others. We communicate honestly and openly and without judgement. There is no kink-shaming, slut shaming, or any other kind of shaming. Its working well (albeit closed down due to COVID for now). But thats the key. We resepct and love each other and are honest. Communication is the big key here. We BOTH get jealous and have issues, but we talk about them and deal with the issues and don't ignore problems. I admit I get jealous at times, and talk it out with him, and usually by the end of the conversation (or me venting) I realize that just being able to vent, and be heard is enough to calm me down. And vice versa by the way.

So communicate and be sure of the reasons you are opening the relationship! Opening a relationship so YOU can get your jollies without the other person getting equal treatment may be a sign of other issues.
 
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NautiRogue

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My first marriage failed because of many reasons, but the one that broke the camel's back was that I had a very one-sided emotional affair with a co-worker. Shortly after the divorce, I went to Hedonism III as a single guy. While there, my life was forever changed. I realized that married life doesn't have to be boring! I hooked up with 4 different couples during that week, and I learned that I would never be monogamous again.

When I started dating the woman who would become my second wife, I told her very early on in our relationship, that I would never be monogamous. She had no previous experience with the lifestyle, but she had been having affairs 7 of the 10 years of her marriage. She was open to exploring the lifestyle.

Since then, we've been in the lifestyle with some more active times than others, but it's a part of our relationship and we both feel that the openness, honesty, trust, and communication that are required for any good relationship have to be there in spades in a lifestyle relationship. It is our honest opinion that swinging has made our relationship stronger.