Are you judgemental?

[Principessa]

I was chatting about this with someone recently and he seemed to think he may have been too judgemental about some things when it comes to casual dating and relationships.

That resonated with me because I do the same thing. :redface:

My "issues" are when I meet a man and he's nice. We really hit it off; and then I notice over a few dates that he has dealbreakers. My deal breakers are excessive drinking and any illicit drug use. Or even worse for me if I find out he is a pot smoker. Now I don't want all you potheads to send me PM's about how it's the healthiest drug out there, it does no damage to your brain, or should be legalized.

The bottomline for me is I have no desire to become intimate with a man who does drugs. To me that's something you might have done in college. To continue smoking weed in to your 30's, 40's and 50's is just mind boggling to me. I don't get it, why? I don't care if the guy earns $100,000.00 a year the pot smoking is a deal breaker for me.

It's only fair to mention that I was what they now call a 'binge drinker' in my early 20's and I did smoke pot a few times in college. I was a 'social smoker' in the truest sense of the term. I never purchased it and would only occassionally smoke it at parties. So it's not like I have never experienced either one. I still enjoy a glass of wine with dinner or a cosmopolitan when out with friends. I just don't drink 5 Screwdrivers and 3 Berentzen's Appel shots like I did when I was 22. :tongue:

It may help to know that I did date a guy many years ago who was an alcoholic. I have friends who are recoevring alcoholics, my point being, I know the signs. I don't want to walk that road again.

I am also amazed at the number of people who have '420' in their screen name. Why on earth would you advertise that?!

Are you judgemental? Do your morals, ethics, or religious up-bringing color who and what you find attractive?

 

[B_Nick4444]

have problems with stupidity and uncontrollable drooling

 

[Principessa]

can't deal with stupidity, poor education, déclassé behaviour & tastes or uncontrollable drooling

I would think that goes without saying.

 

[D_Chaumbrelayne_Copprehead]

Yes. I'll be pleasant and civil to anyone but won't go any deeper with people I don't respect

 

[catman]

I have to agree with you...stick by your guns there...

When/If I encounter I might want to play with I have 2 starting questions..

1) Smoker? yes or no (no other choices) kissing smokers gives me a nasty headache. period. After they are gone I can smell it for days....

2) play safe? yes or no answer there... a new one I have tried is 'do you bareback'...the creepiest answer I have heard to this..."depends"...

on? how drunk you were? day of the week? size of his dick?

I like what Krispdx said, nice and civil- yes, go ANY further? no.

 

[DC_DEEP]

I'm sure I come across as quite judgemental at times, but really, I'm not. What anyone else does is their own business, as long as it does not adversely affect other people (especially me).

There are some people I prefer not to be around, but that's not the same as being judgemental - it's not judging their character, it's just not pleasant for me. In most cases, some drug use or drinking doesn't bother me too much. But if it's a controlling factor in that person's life, I don't care to be around it. The one exception is methamphetamine. I have never met one person who uses it who seems to be of good character. They may be out there, I just have not met them.

I do have a low tolerance for people who feel compelled to meddle in other peoples' personal affairs and people who just can't seem to live without drama. Yeah, I'm judgemental toward them. If you live to gossip or if you are aggressively evangelistic about nearly anything (even if I agree with your cause) we are likely to clash.

Still, if there are things you would prefer not to have in your life, there's nothing wrong with that. There is a difference between "deal-breaker" and "judgemental." Saying "I would not date a man who smokes pot" is a preference; saying "anyone who smokes pot is an idiot" is judgemental.

 

[whatireallywant]

I won't date a heavy drinker, cigarette smoker, or a heavy drug user. However, pot smoking is ok with me, as long as it doesn't get in the way of life and responsibilities (as well as long as it doesn't get ME into trouble! ) I am ok with a social drinker. I am NOT ok with an alcoholic/heavy drinker. I am also NOT ok with the extreme other end of the scale - the nondrinkers who are PREACHY about it (nondrinkers who are not preachy are fine.)

But my #1 deal breaker is something completely different from any of that. My #1 deal breaker is sexism! Nearly all the guys I've broken up with (there haven't been that many) have been due to this, and/or because they were religious fundamentalists (And well, religious fundamentalists are generally sexist, too...)

 

[Principessa]

*SNIP* Still, if there are things you would prefer not to have in your life, there's nothing wrong with that. There is a difference between "deal-breaker" and "judgemental." Saying "I would not date a man who smokes pot" is a preference; saying "anyone who smokes pot is an idiot" is judgemental.

Okay, I gotcha I mistakenly used deal breaker as a synonym for a preference.

 

[sdbg]

I won't date a heavy drinker, cigarette smoker, or a heavy drug user. However, pot smoking is ok with me, as long as it doesn't get in the way of life and responsibilities (as well as long as it doesn't get ME into trouble! ) I am ok with a social drinker. I am NOT ok with an alcoholic/heavy drinker. I am also NOT ok with the extreme other end of the scale - the nondrinkers who are PREACHY about it (nondrinkers who are not preachy are fine.)

I could have written this response. In general, I'm a live and let live kind of guy. The biggest deal breaker for me is lack of respect and manners. My mom once said "class and manners are free." I never forgot it.

 

[Supersized]

I stay away from drug users. Alcoholics i'm more lenient with.

 

[Corius]

The answer to the question is difficult because a word such as judgmental is loaded for most folks with very negative connotations. It's opposite would suggest a live-and-let-live attitude toward others. I like the substitution of the word preference that gets us to the ordinary way in which we deal with others. I don't avoid smokers but I try to avoid places where there is smoking in a crowded area. Yet, think about it, even that simple act of avoidance results from my pre-judgment that I'm more comfortable when I am not in a crowded smoke-filled room. (Personal disclosure: I am a pipe smoker but always out of doors.) I have met people who are so bound to the way things have always been that they are not open to those who march to a different drummer. On the other hand, I can think of some wonderful things which have happened because someone dared to follow a judgment of his own which turned out to be the better course. With people I think it is safer to withhold judgment until you really get to know them and their situation.

 

[Not_Punny]

I draw different lines in different places.

For friends and acquaintances, I don't really care what they do as long as they aren't hurting anyone. If they can drive themselves home, fine and good. If not, there's always the couch.

For lovers and family: I prefer no addictions.

I would NEVER have an LTR with someone who had an addiction.

 

[B_Think_Kink]

Yup.

 

[DaveyR]

The answer to the question is difficult because a word such as judgmental is loaded for most folks with very negative connotations. It's opposite would suggest a live-and-let-live attitude toward others. I like the substitution of the word preference that gets us to the ordinary way in which we deal with others. I don't avoid smokers but I try to avoid places where there is smoking in a crowded area. Yet, think about it, even that simple act of avoidance results from my pre-judgment that I'm more comfortable when I am not in a crowded smoke-filled room. (Personal disclosure: I am a pipe smoker but always out of doors.) I have met people who are so bound to the way things have always been that they are not open to those who march to a different drummer. On the other hand, I can think of some wonderful things which have happened because someone dared to follow a judgment of his own which turned out to be the better course. With people I think it is safer to withhold judgment until you really get to know them and their situation.

Great post. There should be more people around who think like you.

 

[D_Ed69s girl]

The way I see it we are all in some degree Judgemental. It all depends on what our preferences are. Also take in to consideration how we are raised and what our past history is like.

For example Someone who has been with alcoholic will have a hard time accepting someone in their future who does those things even in a social setting. They are not about to put themselves in that position again. And in all respect there is nothing wrong in playing it safe.

So if someone seems too judgemental or have maybe to high of standards maybe you should find out a little more about them before passing your own judgement on them.

 

[Ethyl]

No.

Unless you eat all my Gummi Bears. Then harsh language ensues....

 

[psidom]

i cannot stand liars...homewreckers....drinkers....kkk/nazi...
powertrips...anyone who is underhanded....people who are uneducated
people who only read fiction....size queens.....T.V junkies.

other than that i am a live and let live kinda guy.:smile:

 

[B_Think_Kink]

i cannot stand liars...homewreckers....drinkers....kkk/nazi...
powertrips...anyone who is underhanded....people who are uneducated
people who only read fiction....size queens.....T.V junkies.

other than that i am a live and let live kinda guy.:smile:

I'll add to your list, people who ask stupid questions with obvious answers, people who smell funny, dirty people in general, people who breed for the sake of god knows what and anyone who talks down to me like I'm a child.

 

[unique_exposure]

I don't think I could be judgmental in any absolute way about a person's excessive drug or alcohol use whether it be in dating or friendship, given that I've made plenty of my own mistakes in that area of life (and others). I did grow out of most of it, albeit probably more slowly than most.

I'm all for progress. However, it does require quite a bit of patience and some sense of detachment to give someone the space they need to see their own negative spiral; this isn't always easy from within an intimate relationship.

 

[mindseye]

Or even worse for me if I find out he is a pot smoker. Now I don't want all you potheads to send me PM's about how it's the healthiest drug out there, it does no damage to your brain, or should be legalized.

You're asking if you're judgemental, and in the same post you write (in essence), "I've already made up my mind on this issue, and I don't want to hear evidence to the contrary!"

That's what being judgemental is.

On the other hand, being judgemental isn't a terrible trait by itself, despite the fact that the word generally has a negative connotation. What's terrible is:

• being prematurely judgemental, making a decision without all the facts,
• being judgemental and closed-minded, refusing to change one's mind in the face of new facts,
• being judgemental and condescending, imposing your judgements on others without justification.

Making sound, well-informed judgements and applying them fairly isn't anything to be ashamed of.

(So...do I think it's unfair of you not to date marijuana users? Not at all. Do I think it's unfair of you to hold someone's choice of username against them? Yeah, a little.)