Asexual wife

Discussion in 'Ask a Woman' started by brad99, Feb 17, 2017.

  1. brad99

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    My wife is, as far as I can tell, is asexual. She does not find other guys or girls sexy. She likes sex and we have it more than most, but she is very pain Jane in the sack. We talk about fantasies about every 3 months or so when I get frustrated with the vanilla sex. She cannot think of any, and she shoots down all of my ideas. My ideas range anywhere from role playing, anal, toys, and light bondage to swapping, threesomes, group play and orgies. Believe me I've proposed a lot of options. Closest she came up with was sex outside watching the aurora borealis. In other words she wants to see the aurora borealis and if I'm there i can have sex with her as she watches the sky behind me. She is understanding and genuinely wants to make me happy, but she has an engineer's mind. All logic no emotion. The sex we have works for her so there is no need to change anything.

    Has anyone else gone through this or currently going through this?
    I appreciate the help.
    B
     
  2. MickeyLee

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    what, respecting my partners bounderies and desires?
    oh yeah, i do that all the time

    eta: you watch too much porn
    eta2: that aurora borealis thing sounds awesome!
     
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  3. brad99

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    The condescension is not appreciated. I believe that I am respecting her boundaries and desires. I am not giving her ultimatums or forcing her or forcing her to do anything. We have talks and i am looking for insight about how to improve, my perspective, our sex life.
    You are right about the porn watching, but everything I have asked her to do I had done in my past. These are things I enjoyed and my partner(s) enjoyed as well. Here's the kicker, some of these things I asked she has either done in her past or we have done together. She just doesn't see the need to do any of these things because, to her, our sex life is great.

    You are right the aurora borealis thing would be great and it is on the list of things to do. Please note that I listened to her and i am trying to figure out how to make that happen but Alaska/Upper Canada is a ways away. That can't be the only thing she thinks is sexy?

    Thank you
    B
     
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  4. Scarletbegonia

    Scarletbegonia Well-Known Member

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    Let me make this simple:
    You cannot force the non kinky to be kinky.
    You cannot force the monogamous to be polyamorous.
    If you try, you are an ass. So don't try.
    What if she were into you wearing a soggy diaper?

    If she is having sex with you, and "more than most," she is not asexual, the is faithful.

    Your boredom needs your attention, not hers.

    Engineers are capable of emotion. The expression is usually thought-out rather than spontaneous. This is an expression of love. That process means something to them.
    I am the daughter of an aerospace engineer, lover of a computer engineer and sound engineer. I have many friends who are engineers of some sort. Then the other side is performers and artisans.
    Stretching a canvas is engineering. Painting it can be.
     
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  5. Scarletbegonia

    Scarletbegonia Well-Known Member

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    Oh, she is not your other partners. And she has a right not to revisit things that were only fun in concept.

    Focus less on multiples, and more on experiences. Do what you do, but maybe while camping, or at different times of day.
     
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  6. Mercurygirl

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    The Japanese like to have sex under the Aurora Borealis. They believe it increases fertility.

    I learned that from Northern Exposure.

    =/
     
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  7. BacknForth

    BacknForth Well-Known Member

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    Asexual? :confused:

    There is a possibility that does not mean what you think it means.
     
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  8. Fade

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    I was thinking that too.

    http://www.asexuality.org/

    OP's own words, she's having sex with you and she seems to enjoy it. Just because it's more "plain Jane" does not equal asexuality..... Not by any means, whatsoever
     
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  9. brad99

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    Then what is the deal? I care and want to understand what she is thinking
    Thank you for the site. It's good info but now I'm even more confused. She meets all the requirements except one; she finds me attractive. If not asexual then what is it?
    I want to understand why she thinks and feels the way she does.
    Thanks
     
  10. brad99

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    Apparently it's not what I thought it means. Inconceivable I know
     
  11. brad99

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    I probably won't tell her that. She doesn't want kids and I don't want to taint her only fantasy. lol
     
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  12. brad99

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    I am an engineer too. We originally met in college where we were both in engineering. The difference is that I have the engineer mentality at work and certain projects around the house. She's engineer 24/7. Hell, she only accepted my marriage proposal because I made a logical argument and gave her a spreadsheet.

    If it's me being bored why do I have to address it by myself? I want to improve our sex life not grow apart because I'm doing my own thing...re: the porn comment above. It isn't fair to me or her.
    Thank you
     
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  13. Fade

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    If you're bored by your sex life, yes, it is a problem for both of you, but as was already said with different phrasing... Not everyone is kinky. And at least as you describe it, your partner is happy.
     
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  14. Scarletbegonia

    Scarletbegonia Well-Known Member

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    Because your boredom is your problem first.
     
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  15. AlteredEgo

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    Have you told her that you are bored?
     
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  16. brad99

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    Yes. About once every 3-4 months we have a sit-down conversation about it. She says she understands that I want more and that she has been thinking about it and things she can do that won't put her out of her comfort zone. We always end the discussion with a hug and kiss and her telling me to continue asking.
    I don't like that I have come across as an ass because I ask her to do things. I get that it isn't fair to her that I want things she doesn't but it is also not fair to me that I haven't been given a chance to even compromise since she has been a staunch "no" on any and all requests.
    Thank you for your time and comments.
     
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  17. brad99

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    Not when you are married.
    It is a team effort. From what/where to eat, what to watch on TV, how to spend our money, use of vacation time, desires for the future, problems at work....All of her concerns, problems, issues, wants, desires, and needs are mine and all of mine are hers.
    This has been the only thing that has yet to be resolved. And it is frustrating for both of us.
     
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  18. AlteredEgo

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    I doubt this is something that will change, though I hope it does. This is not the sort of thing for which most people compromise. They either dig your kinks or they don't. They either permit an extra partner, or they don't. It seems to ke her boundaries are not ambiguous. Can you live with it, or do you have to bail? Only you know. Have you two considered a sex therapist? A surrogate?
     
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  19. brad99

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    Then part I get hungup on is I know she has done some of the things in her past and more than once. it wasn't a yeah ill try it and didn't like it. It is like she doesnt trust me , but I understand that the real reason is we are in a committed relationship where as the past experiences for her were with fuck buddies.
    I have mentioned therapy but she said, and i believe her, that she would put her walls up and it would go nowhere.
    She gets frustrated because she says I am making logical points with her and she understands and agrees with the overall request (she gets the want for more not for something more (
     
  20. brad99

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    sorry finger slipped and hit the post button..
    She gets frustrated because she says I am making logical points with her and she understands and agrees with the overall request. she just can't figure out how to turn her understanding into desire to actually try any of these things. I'm not talking orgies I mean the littlest of things like sex in our hot tub, roadhead, taking pictures, roll playing, or even doggy style.
     
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