Ask Ernest Hemingway Anything

Discussion in 'Funny Stuff: Jokes, Quizzes, Games & Pics' started by Northland, Jul 12, 2008.

  1. Northland

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    Go on ask-
    Ask Ernest Hemingway anything you darn well want to. Of course, seeing as how Papa is dead now more than 40 years, he may be a bit slow getting a response back to you. You know how it is what with marlin fishing, rhino hunting and bullfight watching-and it's hard to send communications from one realm to another.

    However, being somewhat psychic, and in the spirit fairness and all that sort of stuff I will be answering all questions that he does not.

    So come on now start asking-
     
  2. WolvesInTheThroneRoom

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    Why haven't you answered my ouiji board questions?
     
  3. D_Gunther Snotpole

    D_Gunther Snotpole Account Disabled

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    Ernie ... when Scott Fitzgerald told you that Zelda said he 'couldn't satisfy her' ... meaning that he was a bit small in the southern realms ... you took Scott into the washroom (was it of the Closerie des Lilas?), had him pull down his pants and show, and then you said to him:
    'Scott, you're perfectly normal. It's just that, when you're looking downward, it's foreshortened. That's all. Don't worry. And don't let her get you.'

    Two questions, Ernie:
    1 Was Scott so stupid he really needed to be told this?
    2 Was your reassurance sincere?
     
  4. Northland

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    Because you failed to complete your reading of A Farewell To Arms.
     
  5. WolvesInTheThroneRoom

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    When Walker Evans wrote you that note "I have some pictures tonight and will have more tomorrow" what were they of?

    "There was one of those big noises you sometimes hear at the front. I died then. I felt my soul or something coming right out of my body, like you'd pull a silk handkerchief out of a pocket by one corner. It flew all around and then came back and went in again and I wasn't dead any more." So when you really died, was it like that again?
     
  6. WolvesInTheThroneRoom

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    I wasn't ready for it to end Papa.
     
  7. Northland

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    First off we were at Le Dome-the old one which was torn down several years ago. My sometimes friend De Hirsh Margules played a rather mean-spirited joke on our writer friend Wolfie (Kaufman-worked at Variety for years as the European tipster). Margules, told Kauf that he'd left him several paintings in the basement of Le Dome, Kauf raced over and found the place about to be razed. But, that was never your question so forget it was ever responded to.



    Now to your questions-1)Yes he (Scott) was that stupid and 2) my reassurance was somewhat sincere-although in truth I'd seen larger dots at the end of a sentence. The chronic whiner always needed some sort of soothing and it was a way to get him to shut up.

    Now if you will excuse me I hear a bell tolling-
     
  8. B_dumbcow

    B_dumbcow New Member

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    Hemingway, I was very disappointed by "The old man and the sea" In my opinion, it had an awful storyline and the symbolism, though deep, was very dragged out. I feel that if you were not such a well known writer, the novel would have been thrown aside.

    NB - I had the displeasure of writing a very long and tedious essay on symbolism in this novel. Though I got good marks, it was the most boring thing I've ever been asked to analyse :rolleyes:

    Any comments?
     
  9. Northland

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    Clearly, the snows of Killimanjaro.
    No it was somewhat different. You could say it was a real bang-up of a situation, one which I, not unlike my father, had been entirely unexpecting of.

    You think I wanted it this way? I still had a few more books in me, I had no idea the rifle was loaded.
     
  10. mista geechee

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    If you and Steinbeck had a fight, who would win ? (personally I'm pulling for you...For Whom The Bell Tolls was the shit)
     
  11. Northland

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    So it wasn't my best work. Considering I was in severe pain and downing gallons of whiskey every day I thought it was damned amazing I could hit the right keys on the Smith Corona typewriter.

    Besides which Cow, Life Magazine saw fit to publish it in its entirity back in 1952 so it couldn't have been near as bad as you thought. Maybe you received the version where I hadn't named the boy yet. And I never was completely happy with naming the man Santiago, I'd wanted to name him Don Diego but they insisted on Santiago.



    And what symbolism? It was a damned story who the hell decided it should be laced with symbolism?
     
    #11 Northland, Jul 12, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2008
  12. Northland

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    Don't kid yourself. When Steinbeck wrote The Pearl I swore it looked like something I had written decades earlier. Damned well know he got the name Kino from me.

    We met at a local tavern while both in New York seeing our agents, I challenged him to a fight and if I hadn't been forced to drink an entire keg of cheap local brew I would perhaps be able to recall who won.

    I know I did some damage because he never spoke to my children again.
     
  13. About_Average

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    Dear Ernest,

    Did you kill yourself because you were unable to create works as great as your professed literary icon, Jack London? Or did you induce your own death because he did too? [BTW Yes, I am an avid Jack London fan :biggrin1:]
     
  14. marleyisalegend

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    Mister Hemingway, what do I do if my old man is burnin' me on the sly? Now don't get it twisted, his heart is 18 karat, he's (semi) sharp, and there's plenty of bread in the oven. HOWEVER, a guy like me has too much pride in his stride and more pep in his step than most cats could ever afford. Sometimes I feel like I'm about to snap my cap and lay this brotha out cuz he just can't.... hang..... Is there anything I can do Mister Hemingway? I mean, it seems like this dude is always out to lunch.
     
    #14 marleyisalegend, Jul 12, 2008
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2008
  15. Northland

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    My untimely passing was accidental. As I explained to Jules Verne one night shortly after I arrived here, I was checking the rifle out and was curious as to the velocity of the bullet. I was sure it would make a great story as I looked down the barrel. Unfortunate timing for me as I was recalling my first time with Hadley and my cock leapt hard from my groin while I familiarized myself with random nudity. The coarse hairs surrounding my suitable meat snagged against the gun trigger. You know the rest.
    (and I swear I didn't know the damned thing was loaded-that just blew me away-as did the bullet)


    Jack London huh? If he'd lived another 20 years I'd have crushed him like a flea on a dog in the hot summer sun. A decent writer but nothing I'd get worked up over, used too many analogies. I only spoke fondly of him while living as a way to please the public.
     
  16. D_Gunther Snotpole

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    Vladimir Nabokov said you wrote "books for boys."
    What the phukh say ye?
     
  17. Northland

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    My work was for all. It was primarily for genuine men. If a few young lads were brought to manhood due to my writing, then more's the envy which Nabokov had towards me. I did not write books for boys, of that I can assure you.

    The pity is that he was a decent writer when he wanted to be and yet he never seemed to grab hold of that with all his might. Instead he often became devoured by perversion as we saw in Lolita, Bend Sinister and Invitation to a Beheading. The man was obsessed with adult/youth interaction and even worse he was consumed by sex. I mean sex is fine and a necessary component of ones existence; but, for Christ's sake it's all he ever wanted to discuss with anyone. Hell, let me tell you something rubirosa, he went so far as doing interviews with girlie magazines such as Playboy and we both know no real man would ever submit to that kind of degradation. Where I could have anyone I wanted day or night, and I had my share, make no mistake of that, he had to beg for them. Where I could be satisfied after a round or two, and have no further yearnings for a week or maybe more, he needed to have it go on for days and even weeks and still would mewl of being unsatisfied.

    (and I've still not forgiven Hefner completely for writing about me in that rag)

    Further the bastard Nabokov in a final injustice and attempt to besmirch me went so far as to meet his final day 16 years to the day after my unfortunate mishap. He never could stand or understand that I was better than he, even at my weakest. Maybe the mere fact that I fathered a son more than a decade before him, even though he was some three months older than myself just never settled into him as one of those things which happens. Judging from what I saw of him, the cocksucker ought to be grateful to have lived on the same planet as myself. Don't get me wrong, I almost liked him and would have if he hadn't been such a plagiarist. Same as Steinbeck and all the others.

    Dying on my day of death! The nerve of some people.
     
  18. ZOS23xy

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    Do you always go around shooting your mouth off?
     
  19. D_Gunther Snotpole

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    Papa, you told Lilian Ross that there weren't no way you would get in the ring with old Tolstoy.
    But you got in the ring with Morley Callaghan.
    Why Callaghan and not Tolstoy? Is that because Tolstoy threw a harder punch ... or because he took a better post-spar shower?
     
  20. Northland

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    How many times must I reapeat myself? It was an accident. I have no idea what fool put bullets in there.
     
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