Ask for what you want

[B_Hickboy]

A huge percentage of the 'relationship problems' I've observed stem from the offended party's failure to ask for what he or she needed.

If you are clear about what you need (a topic for another day) and you don't ask for it, whose fault is it that you don't get it? There's no need for manipulation - direct communication eliminates it.

 

[ManlyBanisters]

He's right, you know - it's why I get so much oral sex!! :biggrin:

 

[EllieP]

And let the church say "Amen!" When my husband and I were dating it was our second time around for both of us and we finally said "let's cut the crap - this is what I want." Neither of us are shy about what we want, and I think it's one of the main reasons that our relationship thrives like crazy because we're really polar opposites.

Good for you, MB! Putting it on my list of things to ask for tonight!

 

[B_cosmognosis]

What about when you ask and they break out the saline weapons to make you feel guilty?

 

[dolfette]

my mother is the worst for this.
''just fucking ask him. he's not psychic.''
''but he should think of these things''
''no, YOU think of these things. he thinks of other things.''
but will she ask? will she fuck! she'd rather just hold onto her seething resentment that he's a selfish prick, despite the fact he always does as she asks him. always. stupid woman.

 

[B_Hickboy]

What about when you ask and they break out the saline weapons to make you feel guilty?

No one can 'make' you feel guilt, or anything else. If you feel guilty for clearly expressing your legitimate needs, you have a problem. If another person is trying to manipulate you, they have a problem.
If you refrain from expressing your legitimate needs because you're afraid of your partner's response, you have a problem.
To paraphrase Shiva's advice to Krishna: You don't need to worry about the outcome. Just do the right thing. There is a high price to be paid for not doing what is right.

 

[B_Hickboy]

He's right, you know - it's why I get so much oral sex!! :biggrin:

You don't need to ask. Your pussy tastes like heaven.

 

[Calboner]

If you are clear about what you need (a topic for another day) and you don't ask for it, whose fault is it that you don't get it? There's no need for manipulation - direct communication eliminates it.

Not everything that one wants can be obtained by asking for it. If what you want is for the other person to do something for you spontaneously, then asking for it makes it impossible for the other person to give it.

 

[Catchoftheday]

This is what I want
[ Digital Pride COWON ]

 

[ManlyBanisters]

Not everything that one wants can be obtained by asking for it. If what you want is for the other person to do something for you spontaneously, then asking for it makes it impossible for the other person to give it.

In that situation you just have to be prepared to accept you may never get what you want. If you want another person to do something specific totally off their own bat then you can't resent them if they don't do it.

People can't be expected to be mind readers. So yes, you can want spontaneity but you shouldn't hold it against someone if they fail to deliver. In fact 'fail to deliver' isn't even a fair way to put it, because there is no failure involved.

 

[B_Hickboy]

Not everything that one wants can be obtained by asking for it. If what you want is for the other person to do something for you spontaneously, then asking for it makes it impossible for the other person to give it.

How can you want someone to do something for you spontaneously? Are you talking about wanting someone to perform a specific action without being asked, or do you mean you want them to be generally spontaneous?

 

[dolfette]

if you want spontaneity then don't date people who aren't spontaneous.

no brainer

 

[Calboner]

In that situation you just have to be prepared to accept you may never get what you want.

Right: so communication doesn't solve the problem. That was my point.

How can you want someone to do something for you spontaneously? Are you talking about wanting someone to perform a specific action without being asked, or do you mean you want them to be generally spontaneous?

The former. In this context, by "spontaneous" I mean "without being asked." E.g., say you find that you are always the one to initiate communication by phone calls, text messages, or whatever remote means. You can ask the other to reciprocate; but you don't want him or her to do so on request. What you want is that she or he should want to reciprocate and should therefore do so spontaneously. So in such a case you cannot get what you want by asking for it.

 

[B_Hickboy]

Right: so communication doesn't solve the problem. That was my point.

The former. In this context, by "spontaneous" I mean "without being asked." E.g., say you find that you are always the one to initiate communication by phone calls, text messages, or whatever remote means. You can ask the other to reciprocate; but you don't want him or her to do so on request. What you want is that she or he should want to reciprocate and should therefore do so spontaneously. So in such a case you cannot get what you want by asking for it.

Sounds like a resentment waiting to happen.

 

[dolfette]

if you get together with an unspontaneous person, then get all grouchy that you're with an unspontaneous person, you're an idiot and you get what you deserve.

 

[LaFemme]

A huge percentage of the 'relationship problems' I've observed stem from the offended party's failure to ask for what he or she needed.

If you are clear about what you need (a topic for another day) and you don't ask for it, whose fault is it that you don't get it? There's no need for manipulation - direct communication eliminates it.

I happen to agree with this. As HB points out, a huge percentage of 'relationship problems' can be solved with clear communication. You can't get what you need if you don't ask for it.

Clear communication is not going to solve every problem. Partners aren't genies meant to grant every wish, and no one person can possibly meet every need or want that one person may have. It's wonderful if we can find someone who meets our big needs and a bunch of the little wants; a person who arouses us and challenges us to be a better person.

As for the rest of it, that's why we have friends and outside interests. We should be smart enough to say, 'this person is worth it' even if they don't meet every single one of our needs/wants. We should be smart enough and self aware enough to know which of our needs/wants are negotiable and which are not. We should be smart enough to communicate those things to our partner.

 

[Calboner]

if you get together with an unspontaneous person, then get all grouchy that you're with an unspontaneous person, you're an idiot and you get what you deserve.

I have not been talking about spontaneity as a personality trait, or a classification of people. I was quite explicit on that point in my previous post, so I don't see why you continue to address yourself to a straw man.

I do not understand why some people are putting up so much resistance to a point that seems to me very obvious and very commonly experienced. Not everything that people seek in each other is something that they can get by asking. Say A over time stops saying "I love you" to B, except when B says it to A, and B wishes that A would sometimes say it without such prompting. Asking A to say "I love you" once in a while may be the best that can be done in such a situation, but now if A complies, he or she is saying "I love you" in compliance with B's expressed wish rather than spontaneously, as A desired.

 

[helgaleena]

I have not been talking about spontaneity as a personality trait, or a classification of people. I was quite explicit on that point in my previous post, so I don't see why you continue to address yourself to a straw man.

I do not understand why some people are putting up so much resistance to a point that seems to me very obvious and very commonly experienced. Not everything that people seek in each other is something that they can get by asking. Say A over time stops saying "I love you" to B, except when B says it to A, and B wishes that A would sometimes say it without such prompting. Asking A to say "I love you" once in a while may be the best that can be done in such a situation, but now if A complies, he or she is saying "I love you" in compliance with B's expressed wish rather than spontaneously, as A desired.

This is hairsplitting, Mr. Boner. The only way to get into a good habit is to be informed first that it is a good habit, and then to practice that habit until it becomes second nature. If you want the 'i love you's', and they are not coming, asking for them is only logical. They will become spontaneous in the course of time, but OF COURSE they will not be spontaneous at first. Be less picky and more appreciative of a person's efforts to please you.

 

[Calboner]

This is hairsplitting, Mr. Boner. The only way to get into a good habit is to be informed first that it is a good habit, and then to practice that habit until it becomes second nature. If you want the 'i love you's', and they are not coming, asking for them is only logical. They will become spontaneous in the course of time, but OF COURSE they will not be spontaneous at first. Be less picky and more appreciative of a person's efforts to please you.

I was not writing about myself.

 

[helgaleena]

I was not writing about myself.

Nor was I -- what a coincidence. Use of the 'you' in a rhetorical sense.