Asking out attached/non-single people

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by Jovial, Aug 7, 2008.

  1. Jovial

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    It occurred to me that most quality people are probably dating someone, so to limit myself to only looking for women that aren't currently dating someone is being pretty restrictive. I'm not talking about married, engaged or people that live together. I'm talking about women that are dating someone on a regular basis. Maybe they are looking for someone better to come along.

    I've met a couple women recently that were dating guys, but still showed some interest in me and I didn't really know what to do in that situation.

    What are your thought on this. If you know someone is seeing someone else do you not get involved or do you jump in and try to win the person over? Or do you maybe try to "do" them on the side?
     
  2. BillyPilgrimOD

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    I say, "It don't mean a thing if they ain't got that ring!"

    j/k
     
  3. B_cigarbabe

    B_cigarbabe New Member

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    Why not date them if they seem interested?
    I think most women are hoping to find a quality guy like I believe you to be, so I don't see anything wrong with asking the woman out even if she has been dating a particular guy.
    Why not ask her out and if she's interested that says she's not happy with the man she is seeing. I think you are being overly restrictive setting those kind of limits on who you'll date Jovial.
    Don't do that!
    You may lose out on a lady who has all the qualities you are looking for darlin'!
    cigarbabe:saevil:
     
    #3 B_cigarbabe, Aug 7, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2008
  4. wonderland

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    If she is not married or engaged I can't see why you shouldn't ask her out. If she says no at least you tried.
     
  5. Jovial

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    Thanks for the advice, cigarbabe and wonderland. Sometimes it's not that easy though. The couple times I asked them out they said they were seeing someone and say no, but it seemed to me they were looking for me to show more interest. Maybe they feel a little guilty or something. So at that point I don't know if I should pursue them or stop bothering them. :confused:

    And I know some guys that just don't want to get involved with a girl unless she is completely single and not seeing anyone else. They just don't want the drama. But I guess if you want to date people you have to accept the drama sometimes.
     
  6. psosandra

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    If they say no, they mean no. I know some of the girls in my group of friends tend to talk more to guys when they are seeing someone, it's like they feel safe, there's no pressure to impress or whatever, but if the guys asks, they tell them they're seeing someone, and that's that.
     
  7. Calboner

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    Someone who has established an attachment with one person and nonetheless makes a date with another is like someone with a job who looks into other jobs: he or she may change the old one for the new one, but it is also pretty likely that he or she is just looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side. So if you get a woman to go out with you when she already has another guy, don't be surprised if you get strung along for a few dates before she becomes very "busy" and can't find the time to see you any more, despite the fact that the dates seemed to you to have gone very well.
     
  8. nevergiveup

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    Girls with boyfriends are the best ones to practice hollerin at! HOLLA HOLLA HOLLA! There's no pressure so you can be as flirty/silly as you want and if you at least get a smile out of them then you know you're doing something right. No expectations, no limits.
    I say go for it Jovial...
     
  9. ramwella

    ramwella Member

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    IMO, if you meet a girl that is already dating another guy, you should express your interest in her and then back-off and wait to see what happens.

    If she is totally committed to the guy, then there's probably nothing that you're going to say or do to sway her decision. On the other hand, if there's a chance for you, then wait for a clue and let her make the next move. Once she does that, then forge ahead.

    But during the waiting period, just relax and observe. Although most women love to be pursued, I think that it's important that you hold back for a little while and show respect for her current relationship for several reasons: 1) you won't look desperate; 2) you'll get max points for being a gentleman and showing some integrity; 3) it gives you a chance to see how she breaks up with her current boyfriend, which will say a lot about her character and integrity. You'll want to pay attention to that, b/c you want to know what she is capable of. If she's a caring person, then she'll find a way to break-up with the guy in a decent way. If she dumps him cold, then that's what she's likely to do to you when the next guy comes along. Think about it.
     
    #9 ramwella, Aug 7, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2008
  10. OmahaBeef

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    I'll be the dissenting vote (which is not unusual for me)

    Leave them alone. Really.

    ...OB
     
  11. Jovial

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    Thanks for all the comments. Calboner, in particular, I appreciate your direct and logical advice.

    It seems that I see a lot of nice girls with guys that don't treat them all that well. It's almost like the guys figure no one will dare invade their territory and steal their girlfriends away, so they put the absolute minimum effort into the relationship. Just makes me think with a little persuasion some of these girls would be willing to go with someone else. And if I scare the boyfriends into treating them better, then that's a good thing as far as I'm concerned because men should treat women well.
     
  12. OmahaBeef

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    I couldn't post more earlier since I was pinched for time before...

    But I wanted to add that Calboner made an excellent point.

    My take on it Jovial, is this...

    If a woman is with a man who, treats her not in the way she needs to be treated, then it is her sole responsibility to liberate herself from this guy. She needs to be strong enough and have a respectable enough level of self-worth to walk when she isn't happy.
    I don't believe that this is any man's, yours especially, responsibility to extract her from such a relationship. Here is why:

    1) In my opinion, a woman who isn't strong enough to walk away from a negative situation, isn't strong enough for me. I don't like it when women tell me their predictable, re-run sob stories and they looked shocked when I ask them point blank: "Well why didn't you do anything about it? Why did you wait?" What this indirectly tells me is that she is not strong enough to stand alone when times get hard. Women who need to cling on to one relationship and bail as soon as another guy arrives tells me not that she is a sweet little damsel in distress, but rather a weakling who needs male companionship to keep alive her already dying self-image. Even if you are her "hero" today, when things get hard you will be just another "zero" to her, and she will bail as soon as another dope shows up to "rescue" her.

    2) Women who dig abusive guys have problems of an unlimited variety. That goes without saying. And when they "break-up" they are never REALLY broken up. I see a lot of guys thinking they are smooth picking up these rebound women, and I have seen on more than one occasion these guys get the daylights beat out of them or worse when they tinker with a "claimed" woman. While the "hero" is laying there in a coma, the sweet little damsel is trying to figure out how to get the money to bail the other thug boyfriend out of jail for it.

    3) This is of my own moral code, but I don't hit on, nor am I receptive of, a woman who is taken. If she is "taken" and hitting on me...she's already lost my interest for being scandalous in the first place.

    You seem like a good guy Jovial, I would suggest you shoot for a woman who dictates her OWN happiness rather than who wants to be rescued.

    Good luck!

    ...OB
     
  13. Guy-jin

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    It's a case-by-case basis, really.

    But I will say that, for certain, finding a single woman will be the least dramatic, least stressful thing to do.

    In my experience, if a woman isn't single, it's pretty easy to flirt with her and make it known that you'd be open for a relationship with her without directly asking her out. If she feels that's something she'd rather pursue than her current relationship, she'll act on it, breaking up with her SO and making herself available. That's happened to me before, actually.

    I've also gone out with a woman who I asked out while she was dating another guy. She told me she was planning to break up with him and to wait a week, and then we started dating. Didn't end well. Fickle woman.
     
  14. D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah

    D_Kay_Sarah_Sarah Account Disabled

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    Does that mean im quantity not quality? :frown1:
     
  15. billybones

    billybones Active Member

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    I say it's something you shouldn't do under any circumstances. If the person is in a relationship, then you should respect that situation and stay out of it. Any relationship's stability depends on the two people in it. So even if there are issues that make you think you have a chance, or even if you simply don't care if there are any to begin with, I wouldn't do it simply out of respect for both people involved. I certainly wouldn't want someone walking up to my boyfriend and asking him out, most especially if the person knew he was already in a relationship. However, if a person is in a relationship and makes an advance on you, then that person is already letting you know that things with their significant other are not going to last. So, my advice is to let them make the first move. If they do, then you have a pretty clear greenlight. If you have to make the first move on someone in a relationship, then you're crossing a boundry of decency. If you were in a relationship with a quality person, you wouldn't much appreciate some guy walking up to her and trying to get a date.
     
  16. Jovial

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    OmahaBeef, thanks for your longer response. That makes a lot of sense.

    It sounds like the best way to handle a situation like this is what ramwella said, to flirt, compliment her and let her know that I like her. Maybe even say I'd like to date her if she was single in the future, if that didn't create an awkward situation (like if she's a coworker or neighbor). Then wait and leave it up to her to stop dating the other guy.
     
  17. Principessa

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  18. ZOS23xy

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    I've been involved a little of this since marriage, my wife asking me to "mercy fuck" a woman who was lonely, along with her gag "bring back some good moves", only to discover we couldn't deal with it because i was too large. I'm not that large, but she was one of those who could deal with someone a bit smaller than me.

    And Yes, I did do a stint of paying attention to a woman whose boyfriend was not the best, and it was a burn for all of us. She knew he was limited. She loved me, but she couldn't deal with all my topics (like my bi sexuality at the time, let alone my LSD usage)..."there's more to you than a good body"...burned through my brain....

    *sigh*...growing up isn't easy. I never wanted to hurt anyone...
     
  19. Jovial

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    Oh, great. You mean now I have to eliminate every girl that needs to be saved from my potential dating pool?
     
  20. Principessa

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    Uhmm, well yeah, maybe. :redface: That is if you are looking for a lasting, healthy relationship. You have a strong personality and are phenomenally picky about a great number of things. IMO, you need a strong woman, that can go toe to toe with you and stand by your side. Not one you have to pick up, dust off, and shine up. :cool:

    Did you not read OmahaBeef's post? :confused: Go back, print it out; and read it. He speaks the truth.
     
    #20 Principessa, Aug 8, 2008
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2008
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