Asking out Girls

Discussion in 'Relationships, Discrimination, and Jealousy' started by CeleSTiaLFuRY, Mar 19, 2005.

  1. CeleSTiaLFuRY

    CeleSTiaLFuRY New Member

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    I have only tried to ask out a girl one time and the result was a disaster. I didn't even get to asking her. Instead I got so nervous that I forgot to breath and fainted. This has been terribly embaresing for me since the only other times which I have ever fainted have been the results of dehydration, blood loss, and severe exhaustion (I didn't sleep for 2 weeks). This happened about 4 years ago when I was a junior in highschool. Does anybody have any advice to help not becocme so nervous when asking somebody out? Something else that has confused me. Some girls have told me "You're so cute!" and "You're adorable." Is this a good thing or a bad thing? I've heard women use the word cute in many different ways while men seem to only use it to describe things like babies and other things like that. I'm sort of confused about that, but I'm really concerned about how nervous I get when I'm around girls that I like. So if anybody has any advice for how to make yourself less nervous when asking somebody out, I could really use it.
     
  2. Imported

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    carolinacurious:
    Wow. This is a major problem for you. The easy answer is practice. You'll get less and less nervous each time, but remember this is an anxiety producing situation, almost everyone feels nervous, and the more you like the girl the worse it is. Oh, yeah, no matter what, remember to breathe.

    Another easier answer, are you in many situations where you are around many girls? Parties, clubs, local bands, whatever else you're into? A lot of younger people don't date/go out so formally the way they used to. You meet up with a group of friends, you have a good time, you may or may not get lucky, (it's not so much a matter of asking a girl out as much as a matter of asking/being asked home) and then you wake up the next morning with absolutely no idea whatsoever of where you stand with each other.
    (it's got its positives and negatives to be sure)

    Here's the hard answer, dude, you're three years out of highschool and you've only asked out one girl ever, and that didn't go so well. (and may have been an unfortunate coincidince that you have now blown all out of proportion) I would imagine this is negatively impacting your life. If my first two suggestions seem impossible for you, then you need to consider talking to your doctor or (preferably, IMO) seeing a therapist, you may benefit from certain medications, although I think it would be good for you to have a few good conversations with a therapist first.
     
  3. Altairion

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    carolina offered some good advice here, but I'll see if I can add some of my own.

    I have always been a really shy type of guy. Asking people out has never been easy for me, and even getting a friend-type date for prom or homecoming was never the easiest for me to just spit it out and ask. Practice is generally the best method, but here's something you should think about: Do not care if she turns you down.

    You should go into it thinking that if she says yes, do a mental happy dance, and if she says no, then you brush it off and move on. Don't worry what she will think about you afterwards, you just have to have the confidence (or some of Zora's best advice ever) fake having confidence. Puff out your chest, give it a go, and see what you can do.

    (As for the adorable and cute comments, there are two roads for those. There can be the 'you're a great friend and nothing beyond that' connection, or there is the blatant 'I think you're a great person and I wouldn't mind dating you' statement. If you are ever in doubt, ask your friends or their friends.)
     
  4. Imported

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    carolinacurious:
    Great advice!

    As for the "cute thing", it's hard to say. It seems clear that it implies some sort of attraction/affection but who knows whether it's the "waving you in" signal or the "I can never think of you in any other way" signal? Look for other cues: Does she say it while you're seated at a bar and she's rubbing your leg? Generally it's not so clear as that but look for other information and like Altarion says, ask her friends, your friends, maybe even her (although don't say, "What did you mean by calling me cute?).
     
  5. CeleSTiaLFuRY

    CeleSTiaLFuRY New Member

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    I have seen therapists and I do take medication for Social Anxiety Disorder. I also don't ever goto parties or clubs (to loud) and don't exactly have a large group of friends. Most of my friends are girls (I don't get along with many guys) and I have a bunch of sisters... those are the situations that I'm around girls... Thanks for the advice... I'll try some of it...
     
  6. big_peter

    big_peter New Member

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    Use different logic - what's the WORST that can happen...

    She may say no.

    Then you'll have traded the condition you're in
    for
    the condition you're in!

    Maybe that's not a gain... but it's certainly NOT a loss.
     
  7. Imported

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    carolinacurious:
    What did your therapists say you should do?


    Early 20's (I'm guessing), never goes to parties? Sorta sad. Is it the anxiety?

    Whatever your situation is there are others out there like you. Personally, I can't stand large, loud, beer-bash sort of parties, so I never go to them. But in the towns I've been in I've found plenty of like minded people so I find plenty of opportunities to hang out in smaller parties with say, between 8 and 30 (max) people.

    I'm not trying to get anyone on the road to alcoholism but not all bars are "clubs" and not all bars are loud. Again, you're not the only person in the world who doesn't want to be jammed into a room with so many people you can't breathe or shout at the top of your lungs to still not be heard. Anyway, bars have worked for me, maybe other people would have some different suggestions? I know bars aren't for everyone.

    "don't exactly have a large group of friends" and "I don't get along with many guys"

    Why is that? (rhetorical questions) Is there anything you could do about it? Do you want to?


    "Most of my friends are girls and I have a bunch of sisters."

    DUDE!, what are you asking US questions for? THIS IS THE MOTHERLOAD! Evidently, women like you enough to be your friend, this is a very positive sign. I'm assuming that at least some of your sisters are older than you or around your age. These are the people who should be able to explain what "cute" means. These are the people who could help you meet other women. If nothing else, throw a party and invite all your friends!
     
  8. Imported

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    carolinacurious: Further thoughts after going through your profile and taking a look at your blog:

    OK, you're not old enough to go to bars...

    Sounds like you have at least some kind of friendship with your roommate and other (male) friends you mention.

    You're conservative and you're going to college in Vermont. huh. Did you think that one through beforehand?

    OK, I am/was very liberal and had the great fortune of going to college in South Carolina when Reagan was president. I'm not saying to be something you're not (I didn't) but pick your battles (I did).

    Dude, I don't know which college you're at (It doesn't really matter) but many people would give their left nut to be where you are and to be your age. Can you say, "highly intelligent, hippy, liberal, pussy palace?" Get out there! If you still can't get out there find a new therapist and then get out there! The fishing will never be this good again.

    Good Luck!
     
  9. Imported

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    iwfuutaudls: allright kid. i'm about your age. i too was once scared to death of girls that i really liked. i am not going to tell you how i got over it because you are not me. nor am i going to give you specific directions on how to go about getting yourself hitched because i do not know enough about you. what i will do is tell you why no man should ever be scared of asking girls out.......


    girls are equally scared of asking boys out. to prove my point. winter formal dance. it is the one time, and only one time, of the year when the girls are forced to ask the boys out to the dance. it is the time of the year which every high school girl dreads more than death itself. it is the same to girls as prom is to boys. so buddy, don't worry about your fear of women, they are just as scared of you. and, more often than not, i have found fear to be a good thing. so accept it. accept who you are. and accept that many girls, and many guys - although you don't much care for them, are the exact same way.

    as you will go on through the relationships you will realize that nothing, and i mean absolutely nothing, attracts a girl quicker than a man who understands himself perfectly, is in complete control of himself, and is utterly and undoubtebly comfortable and happy with who he is.
     
  10. TheOverlord

    TheOverlord New Member

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    no no no. your all wrong.

    You walk up to any girl, and say "Lets start going out."

    If she says yes, then you win.

    If she says no, you punch her in the face. That way, people like me who enjoy seeing random people get punched in the face laugh, and the pain you feel in your heart from being rejected is equal to the pain in her face.
     
  11. madame_zora

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    Well, there's a novel approach! Can I use it too?
     
  12. ashlar

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    You've been using that approach for years, who are you trying to fool here?
     
  13. madame_zora

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    You've been using that approach for years, who are you trying to fool here?
    [post=292354]Quoted post[/post]​
    [/b][/quote]


    Dammit, I can't get away with anyting with you around!


    Seriously, asking girls out is just like anything in your social life that's uncomfortable. The trick is to work out the kinks before you get there so you'll have some clue as to what you want to say when you're there. Simple is best, be prepared for either answer. Have a "date" picked out to ask her to, like a movie or place to hang out, most women will be more receptive to being asked to do a specific thing than just "wanna go out with me sometime?" Keep it low key and casual, and as was said before, take comfort in the fact that she's as nervous as you are. Now breathe!

    I used to get mild anxiety attacks when driving too far from what I perceived as "civilisation". My cell phone wouldn't work in extremely rural areas and I'd think constantly about what would happen if I broke down and had to knock on some hick's door (country people have not always been so nice to me because of my color). Then I started thinking about every asshole I've ever encountered, and damned if I didn't figure out that they came in every color, every background, everyplace! There are actually no more in the country than in the city and I might just as likely meet an honest, down-to-earth type who would be happy to help me if I needed it. This was after several months of loss of breath and considering quitting my job.

    I still have tons of phobias, but I choose to pick my fights with myself. If they aren't causing me problems, I put them on the back burner, but asking girls out is an important part of life and will rob you of much of the joy that could be yours. I hope you'll address it (as you are doing now!), and go forth and conquer!
     
  14. Pappy

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    CeleSTiaLFuRY, all you have to do to overcome your nerves is to borrow an approach from an episode of the Brady Bunch. When Marsha was trying to get her drivers license, she would get a case of nerves and fail. Someone told her, I think it was the Dad, to just imagine the offical was sitting there in his underware. Just do the same for the girl you're asking out, or better yet imagine her standing there naked when you ask her. It'll take your mind off what you're doing and hopefully calm your nerves in the process.
     
  15. Imported

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    NikkiSixx: I have the same type of problem (I'm 20 and in college and I can't go to bars and I've never even had a date and I'm still a virgin, etc.), except that the previous failures were all recent (starting just over a year ago), and I can never seem to remember what to do about it (I have gotten a great deal of advice, but I easily reject a lot of it and forget much of what I have not rejected).
     
  16. Imported

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    carolinacurious:
    I remember being your age and not being able to go to the bars, and being pretty pissed, of course they had just raised the drinking age (on the very day I graduated from high school) and in my state there was a "grandfather clause", essentially had I been a month and a half older I would have been able to drink, as could all my friends who were only 45 days older than me, this was for three years, by the way, not for 45 days. It fucking SUCKED! But, in retrospect I think I made out better at small parties in the dorms with others who were in the same situation as I, or stayed in for whatever reason, than I ever did in bars.

    Anyway, soon you'll be old enough to go out and find out for yourself that they're not all they're cracked up to be but in the meantime you really didn't give much to go on as far as what you think your problem may be.

    Relax, be yourself, be open and aware to what's happening around you (learn that one and you'll wear your dick off if you want), actually geniunely try to meet women as people not as a conquest or a piece of ass. If all you're thinking about is getting to know someone and talking to them for a few minutes rather than how you're going to get them into the sack, you relax and it all gets easier.
     
  17. jay_too

    jay_too New Member

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    dude..

    If I were in your position, I think I might ask my sisters if they thought/knew if Miss GodI-WantHer would be interested in going somewhere with me. AND I would ask them what "cute" or "adorable" means. I have friends who use cute to describe a guys with pecs, to one with a great smile, or a thin waify-type. Why can't a guy be good looking, or have a great body or be funny? I am with you girls need to be more precise.

    All right, you have determined that Miss GodI-WantHer might like to go out with you. Next figure out what to do....maybe just a latte [maybe an ice cream if you are likely to be shaky-nervous] or maybe going to a movie....do your research, dude, and find what she likes and you like. Commonality of interest leads to good conversation.

    The day of the big date...think about possible conversation topics: Getting to class in the mini-blizzard last Thursday or whatever....some funny happenings, some observations, some opinions....Be prepared to talk.

    Yeah, most of us have showed up for a date with a dry mouth and wondering what the f*** I am doing here......and in my case, a couple of times with my fly unzipped. Not highly recommended.

    I am not sure that the first date gets any easier with repetition...maybe guyz just learn to endure the pain better. Good luck!

    jay
     
  18. Knight

    Knight New Member

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    Well I guess I had the same problem although it never bothered me and I never felt like I HAD to ask a girl out or anything. A few months ago now I met my gf online, she asked me to meet her for ages then I finally went and that's how I got my girl :D

    Of course a girl who lives nearer to me would be better but I have serious issues with the place I live in. It depresses me a lot, and its just a lot nicer and happier to be either with my gf or ideally with my gf and away from here. Now I found out a lot of my girlfriend's mates fancy me and even people I've never spoken to and have only seen me once in passing like me. Anyways, they still live far away (for now) but its a nice confidence boost. Hopefully I'll find a way to move nearer ma fille.

    As for your trouble, all you have to do is ask the worse they can say is no...but hey I've never asked a girl out myself so I really have no pointers, and it is hard to ask someone out.
     
  19. B_hungrick

    B_hungrick New Member

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    I don't think this is a technigue but it's worked very well for me. Just be yourself. I know it sounds obvious & dopey but it's true. I'm a easy-going guy, so I talk to everyone,girls,guys,whoever. When I was in high school & college I met girls by being friends with them first. I thought that if I liked the girl & she liked me, then the dating thing would be the next natural step. Also I smile at girls all the time. I can't help myself. I'm a happy guy. And that always worked too. About being cute,you should ask your male friends if they're heard if girls think you're cute. That's another way of finding out what girls like you. Good luck.
     
  20. jonb

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    Yeah, it's a variant of Pascal's wager. Only, unlike Pascal's wager, this one actually makes sense*: You're risking nothing for something if you do ask her out, whereas if you don't ask her out you're risking something for nothing.

    *The problem with Pascal's wager is that you can say it about anything. A perverse deity might even only allow atheists in heaven.
     
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