Asking partner for a 3 sum

winesthel945

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I was 6 years into a relationship and was very interested to try a threesome, but I was very nervous about how my partner would take the suggestion. We would talk about hot guys a lot, sometimes watch porn together, etc., but for some reason making the suggestion seemed too frightening. Finally at one point a guy we knew expressed interest in doing a threesome with us, so that forced the question. We finally talked about it and realized we were both extremely interested and yet had both been too afraid to even raise the subject.

We decided that we needed some rules about it to make sure that our fears were addressed: it always had to be a guy who was equally interested in both of us (nobody feels left out); we had to always make sure both of us were getting attention, including nudging the other to take over or directing the third to give attention to the other (again, nobody feels left out); and we always made it clear to the third that since we were "new" at this and nervous about it, if at any time one of us felt uncomfortable, either of us could push the "eject" button and everything stopped... no excuses required, no hard feelings, no questions asked.

Those rules worked great, only once did we ever have an "eject" situation and it went smoothly. My partner hit eject, just said he wasn't "feeling it," so we stopped, cleaned up, and I drove the dude home. Because we'd discussed this before, he was disappointed but not upset and was understanding. Afterwards, my partner and I talked about it and figured out what was wrong about that particular situation and all was well -- we even met that guy again a few months later!

At some point, about a year into some pretty hot threesomes, my partner said to me one evening: "I keep thinking about how much hot sex we missed over the first 6 years because we were too afraid to talk about it!" At that point I realized that we were not just partners, we were "partners in crime"... not literal crime, but in term of being both down for mischief and scandalous behavior. We weren't afraid what the other thought... we knew we could count on the other to be right there along for the ride.

To me, that's the lesson: talk about it! You might be surprised by the response. Phrase it as curiosity, not a demand or a requirement. "I saw some porn and the threesome looked very hot. Have you ever had a threesome? If we found the right guy, is that something you'd consider?" Phrasing like that helps the response be something like, "yeah, with the right guy..." which is a great way to express interest without making some kind of deadline or making it about some person in particular.

Phrasing it generally, conceptually, makes it easier to say yes to the concept without committing to a specific act at a specific time. Never make a deadline or hard requirement... it always has to be when the feeling is right for the first time. That's the best way to approach it. If there's hesitance, it's easier to say you're "open to it if the opportunity comes along, but not actively looking for it..." and then let you both get used to that idea without there being any pressure. I'm willing to bet that after a while, the daydreaming about the possibility will help encourage it to happen.

Also make it clear that if you wanted to try it it, you'd establish rules (maybe no fucking, no sleeping over, no kissing... whatever makes you feel more comfortable and non-threatened). Make it clear that anyone can press "eject" for any reason, or no reason, and there's no hard feelings. Go slow, make sure you keep communicating. And I bet that you'll eventually look back and ask yourself why you were so afraid as you lay there with some third dude bathed in you and your partner's cum. :)

Good luck!
 

loucan

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I was 6 years into a relationship and was very interested to try a threesome, but I was very nervous about how my partner would take the suggestion. We would talk about hot guys a lot, sometimes watch porn together, etc., but for some reason making the suggestion seemed too frightening. Finally at one point a guy we knew expressed interest in doing a threesome with us, so that forced the question. We finally talked about it and realized we were both extremely interested and yet had both been too afraid to even raise the subject.

We decided that we needed some rules about it to make sure that our fears were addressed: it always had to be a guy who was equally interested in both of us (nobody feels left out); we had to always make sure both of us were getting attention, including nudging the other to take over or directing the third to give attention to the other (again, nobody feels left out); and we always made it clear to the third that since we were "new" at this and nervous about it, if at any time one of us felt uncomfortable, either of us could push the "eject" button and everything stopped... no excuses required, no hard feelings, no questions asked.

Those rules worked great, only once did we ever have an "eject" situation and it went smoothly. My partner hit eject, just said he wasn't "feeling it," so we stopped, cleaned up, and I drove the dude home. Because we'd discussed this before, he was disappointed but not upset and was understanding. Afterwards, my partner and I talked about it and figured out what was wrong about that particular situation and all was well -- we even met that guy again a few months later!

At some point, about a year into some pretty hot threesomes, my partner said to me one evening: "I keep thinking about how much hot sex we missed over the first 6 years because we were too afraid to talk about it!" At that point I realized that we were not just partners, we were "partners in crime"... not literal crime, but in term of being both down for mischief and scandalous behavior. We weren't afraid what the other thought... we knew we could count on the other to be right there along for the ride.

To me, that's the lesson: talk about it! You might be surprised by the response. Phrase it as curiosity, not a demand or a requirement. "I saw some porn and the threesome looked very hot. Have you ever had a threesome? If we found the right guy, is that something you'd consider?" Phrasing like that helps the response be something like, "yeah, with the right guy..." which is a great way to express interest without making some kind of deadline or making it about some person in particular.

Phrasing it generally, conceptually, makes it easier to say yes to the concept without committing to a specific act at a specific time. Never make a deadline or hard requirement... it always has to be when the feeling is right for the first time. That's the best way to approach it. If there's hesitance, it's easier to say you're "open to it if the opportunity comes along, but not actively looking for it..." and then let you both get used to that idea without there being any pressure. I'm willing to bet that after a while, the daydreaming about the possibility will help encourage it to happen.

Also make it clear that if you wanted to try it it, you'd establish rules (maybe no fucking, no sleeping over, no kissing... whatever makes you feel more comfortable and non-threatened). Make it clear that anyone can press "eject" for any reason, or no reason, and there's no hard feelings. Go slow, make sure you keep communicating. And I bet that you'll eventually look back and ask yourself why you were so afraid as you lay there with some third dude bathed in you and your partner's cum. :)

Good luck!
Wow!
Thank you so much! I definitely need to build the courage to ask him. In the relationship, I am the one that is more sexually active.

My fear is my partner thinking that he’s not enough.

I’m definitely going to take your advice, man. I appreciate it.

Thank you.
 

cedarizzo

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Please let me know. My first boyfriend and I enjoyed 3-somes occasionally while we were dating. We also played together at the adult bookstore, so it 3-somes weren't a big deal. The second boyfriend was very against the idea. In the beginning of our relationship, I asked him a few times about a 3-some, but I believe he was against it because his ex used to cheat on him all the time. So I never brought up the topic again. The third boyfriend and I met at an adult bookstore. We were together for 4 years and we played with others quite a bit. We visited adult bookstores and bathhouses often. We hosted 3-ways and 4-ways (and more) at our house. We definitely had a very wild sexual relationship. Unfortunately that didn't always work out as well in our dating relationship.

I've been with the current boyfriend for 9 years. When we met, we lived an hour apart. After 3 years of living apart, he lived with me for about 3 years. Our relationship didn't do very well when we lived together. So he moved an hour away back to his old place. I've always told him that I don't care if he plays around while we are apart, but I just expect him to be honest with me. He always swears that he never does anything, but I know better. I've had 2 guys contact me and told me things that I know he had been with them. That doesn't bother me. But the few times I have mentioned us trying a 3-some, he says he is not interested in anybody but me. I wish he would open up to the idea of a 3-some occasionally.
 

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My partner and I were in the same boat - he mentioned it a few times, then I brought it up out of the blue. We had a great talk about it - what to expect, what not too... Like above comment said - have clear rules and COMMUNICATE!!!! it can make it or it can break it!

We have a blast whether it is a a video store just sucking others dicks - most of the time together! In bed it is even more fun. We both got back on Grinder to try and meet some folks - few have been great, others have been - ok - it was fun - now that they are gone, lets have our fun! a few times (in one night actually) we both used our exit plan to get out of the situation.
It's not for everyone - but I know we have a blast with it and I love seeing him with another guy while I am watching- but I always want it to be a play thing for "us" not a me or you thing.......
 

loucan

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Please let me know. My first boyfriend and I enjoyed 3-somes occasionally while we were dating. We also played together at the adult bookstore, so it 3-somes weren't a big deal. The second boyfriend was very against the idea. In the beginning of our relationship, I asked him a few times about a 3-some, but I believe he was against it because his ex used to cheat on him all the time. So I never brought up the topic again. The third boyfriend and I met at an adult bookstore. We were together for 4 years and we played with others quite a bit. We visited adult bookstores and bathhouses often. We hosted 3-ways and 4-ways (and more) at our house. We definitely had a very wild sexual relationship. Unfortunately that didn't always work out as well in our dating relationship.

I've been with the current boyfriend for 9 years. When we met, we lived an hour apart. After 3 years of living apart, he lived with me for about 3 years. Our relationship didn't do very well when we lived together. So he moved an hour away back to his old place. I've always told him that I don't care if he plays around while we are apart, but I just expect him to be honest with me. He always swears that he never does anything, but I know better. I've had 2 guys contact me and told me things that I know he had been with them. That doesn't bother me. But the few times I have mentioned us trying a 3-some, he says he is not interested in anybody but me. I wish he would open up to the idea of a 3-some occasionally.
That’s what I don’t want... cheating.

I rather us do it together than have to go behind each other’s backs for a blow job or whatever.

I’m going to ask soon. I’ll keep you posted.
 
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OKCLane

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Hello,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years now, and as of recently, I’ve fantasized about having a threesum with him.

The idea of sharing a bottom drives me crazy.

My problem is asking or introducing the idea?

Any suggestions or advice?

It’s a very risky path and feelings can easily get hurt. Communication is the key. He’s going to ask why and think he’s failing you in some area.
You might try spinning it as a bucket list fantasy. You could then ask him if there’s anything he has always wanted to do. I would suggest a bath house. It’s more anonymous and is more of a one time thing plus a lot easier and less personal than having someone at your home. Bringing a third into your own bed carries some baggage.
 
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loucan

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My partner and I were in the same boat - he mentioned it a few times, then I brought it up out of the blue. We had a great talk about it - what to expect, what not too... Like above comment said - have clear rules and COMMUNICATE!!!! it can make it or it can break it!

We have a blast whether it is a a video store just sucking others dicks - most of the time together! In bed it is even more fun. We both got back on Grinder to try and meet some folks - few have been great, others have been - ok - it was fun - now that they are gone, lets have our fun! a few times (in one night actually) we both used our exit plan to get out of the situation.
It's not for everyone - but I know we have a blast with it and I love seeing him with another guy while I am watching- but I always want it to be a play thing for "us" not a me or you thing.......
That sounds hot!

I’m not bothered by that idea. Actually, I would love to see my man suck on someone else’s big cock.

Sigh

It won’t hurt to ask, I suppose.
 
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rwirt20

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by the way - I asked on here for advice - here is the original thread.
Adding a third person to the bedroom?
 

cedarizzo

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We decided that we needed some rules about it to make sure that our fears were addressed: it always had to be a guy who was equally interested in both of us (nobody feels left out); we had to always make sure both of us were getting attention, including nudging the other to take over or directing the third to give attention to the other (again, nobody feels left out); and we always made it clear to the third that since we were "new" at this and nervous about it, if at any time one of us felt uncomfortable, either of us could push the "eject" button and everything stopped... no excuses required, no hard feelings, no questions asked.

Those rules worked great, only once did we ever have an "eject" situation and it went smoothly. My partner hit eject, just said he wasn't "feeling it," so we stopped, cleaned up, and I drove the dude home. Because we'd discussed this before, he was disappointed but not upset and was understanding. Afterwards, my partner and I talked about it and figured out what was wrong about that particular situation and all was well -- we even met that guy again a few months later!

I completely agree about the rules need to be setup before hand. The first boyfriend and I had a really bad 3-some. We didn't discuss any rules beforehand and when the 3-some went bad for me, I ended up just getting up and going to the other room. The guy was pretty hot, but it turns out he was only interested in my boyfriend. The boyfriend was really into the guy, but didn't realize it wasn't working for me. That was the only time we had a problem. The 3rd boyfriend and I talked a lot about rules and what we wanted it out of a 3-some. After we thought we had it all thought out, we tried our first one. It went great. We also would talk about each possible extra playmate before we ever agreed to anything with that person. If there was any concerns, we would talk it out. There was a few times that it was obvious it was more one-sided for us and we would politely decline.

It is very important that both of you are in agreement before you do the deed.
 
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loucan

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It’s a very risky path and feelings can easily get hurt. Communication is the key. He’s going to ask why and think he’s failing you in some area.
You might try spinning it as a bucket list fantasy. You could then ask him if there’s anything he has always wanted to do. I would suggest a bath house. It’s more anonymous and is more of a one time thing plus a lot easier and less personal than having someone at your home. Bringing a third into your own bed carries some baggage.
That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t want his mind to wonder and start to feel like he’s doing something wrong.

I know we would have to set out boundaries. Rules.

Shoot, the idea of him bottoming does not sit well for me. That’s what at least in my eyes a bottom for both of us would be ideal.

But I’d have to ask him, and listen to his thoughts.
 

cedarizzo

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That’s what I don’t want... cheating.

I rather us do it together than have to go behind each other’s backs for a blow job or whatever.

I’m going to ask soon. I’ll keep you posted.

Good luck! If they go right, a 3-some can be a great experience for a relationship.
 
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linniejr

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Hello,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for two years now, and as of recently, I’ve fantasized about having a threesum with him.

The idea of sharing a bottom drives me crazy.

My problem is asking or introducing the idea?

Any suggestions or advice?

That's a tricky question. I say that because, you run the risk of your partner thinking that you are looking at somebody else. But me being who I am, I confronted my partner and it turned out, that we had the same person in mind. I still will say, you know your partner, so with that, do what you think will be the least problematic.
LInnie