At What Point Do You Decide To Cheat On Your Partner?

Brodie888

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In gay relationships it seems to happen often. This thread isn't meant to be an opportunity to shame or blame people who cheat. It's meant to be an opportunity to understand why.

I assume people don't go into relationships with the intention to cheat but at some point a line is crossed which in a person's mind makes it acceptable to do so. What was that line for you?
 
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keenobserver

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In gay relationships it seems to happen often. This thread isn't meant to be an opportunity to shame or blame people who cheat. It's meant to be an opportunity to understand why.

I assume people don't go into relationships with the intention to cheat but at some point a line is crossed which in a person's mind makes it acceptable to do so. What was that line for you?

I don't get to the point of cheating. I would simply break up rather than cheat for any reason. I can't expect loyalty if I don't give it.
 

groundsmen

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My personal experience is: Cheating men want the comfort/security of a boyfriend/husband and want all the sex and thrills of rooting any man that moves, "I want my cake and want to eat it too". I have seen plenty of friends and a ex of mine lead 2 completely different lives, the boyfriend and the sex maniac. They always leave a trail of destruction.

I was either in the relationship fully, or I was on the hunt. I never bothered with having both, I never saw the point of it. I just stayed single so I could do who I wanted whenever.
 

cedarizzo

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My partner and I realized at some point we were both cheating on each other and we had major problems with our relationship. We sat down and had a very long heart-to-heart talk. At the time, we felt it was very important that we were honest with each other. Also love and sex are not the same thing and since we were living apart, things might happen and most likely they will happen. So instead of lying to each other, we decided it was far better for us to have an open relationship. Right now it is working for us. I am not saying it is perfect, but we talk about it when it gets a bit rough. And I am not sure we will always have an open relationship. One thing we agreed upon is that if it ever becomes too much for one of us to handle, we will pull the plug on it and go back to being monogamous.
 

51arledge

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I have told my story in several different threads here on LPSG.
My husband and I were never great sexually because we were both tops, but we met at the height of AIDS in 1988 and we were both "safe" choices since neither of us had bottomed. We still played safe for years...and then just stopped having sex, BJs, HJs, nothing. Masturbation in separate rooms at separate times. But at the same time, his disability was worsening and 2 operations left him on crutches or in a wheelchair. His pain levels went through the roof.
A few years later, a series of infections almost killed him several times, ending with an infection that required him to lose his large intestine. He's had an ostomy bag for 10 years now.
I love him as a person I have shared so much with for 32 years. So much joy, so much adventure, so much growth personally and as a couple, and so much pain. I can't leave him with so much love between us, and despite playing around in the steam room at the gym, I couldn't see myself playing outside our marriage in the first few years after his ostomy operation. But the end of all physical intimacy (we can no longer hug) and the trials of being a caregiver led me to looking for sexual connections elsewhere. A couple of close confidants/friends help me see the wisdom of finding SOME intimacy. At the same time, we began couples counseling because I was burning out AND I was reading a book by Dan Savage that made the point that if you can't get all of your needs met in a relationship, but want to continue the relationship, one must find a way to get those needs met outside the relationship.
We discussed this idea in therapy and he gave me permission to play.
Esther Perel makes a similar point in her recent book, "The State of Affairs". She says that it's insane to expect that ALL of one's needs can be met by one person. We expect that financial, career, emotional, intellectual, social and sexual needs can be met by just one person! She argues that monogamy is just not realistic as a life long goal.
I'm very comfortable with my decision, but Covid is really limiting my opportunities.
 

RammingGull

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I'd agree that cheating is either the 'cake and eat it too' selfishness, or it's about a sexual incompatibility which is something I'm personally facing in my relationship. I've not cheated, but I can't say the desire to have sex has hasn't crossed my mind.
 

Brodie888

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I have told my story in several different threads here on LPSG.
My husband and I were never great sexually because we were both tops, but we met at the height of AIDS in 1988 and we were both "safe" choices since neither of us had bottomed. We still played safe for years...and then just stopped having sex, BJs, HJs, nothing. Masturbation in separate rooms at separate times. But at the same time, his disability was worsening and 2 operations left him on crutches or in a wheelchair. His pain levels went through the roof.
A few years later, a series of infections almost killed him several times, ending with an infection that required him to lose his large intestine. He's had an ostomy bag for 10 years now.
I love him as a person I have shared so much with for 32 years. So much joy, so much adventure, so much growth personally and as a couple, and so much pain. I can't leave him with so much love between us, and despite playing around in the steam room at the gym, I couldn't see myself playing outside our marriage in the first few years after his ostomy operation. But the end of all physical intimacy (we can no longer hug) and the trials of being a caregiver led me to looking for sexual connections elsewhere. A couple of close confidants/friends help me see the wisdom of finding SOME intimacy. At the same time, we began couples counseling because I was burning out AND I was reading a book by Dan Savage that made the point that if you can't get all of your needs met in a relationship, but want to continue the relationship, one must find a way to get those needs met outside the relationship.
We discussed this idea in therapy and he gave me permission to play.
Esther Perel makes a similar point in her recent book, "The State of Affairs". She says that it's insane to expect that ALL of one's needs can be met by one person. We expect that financial, career, emotional, intellectual, social and sexual needs can be met by just one person! She argues that monogamy is just not realistic as a life long goal.
I'm very comfortable with my decision, but Covid is really limiting my opportunities.

Thanks for sharing. Your journey is an admirable and brave way of dealing with the circumstances.
 

SpeedThePlow

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Also, let's not forget that cheating and not being monogamous are different things. I agree that gay relationships are more often candidly non-exclusive than straight ones. But open non-exclusivity with ground rules you respect is NOT the same as cheating. Every couple has to establish its own rules. Cheating is when you break those rules, not when you depart from some idea that other people have about what rules are best.

I really don't know whether gay guys cheat more than straights. I actually suspect not, because we more often agree on realistic boundaries which allow some playing outside the relationship.