Our seperation barely lasted a week before we began regularly hanging out again. I knew J had a busy week covering schedules and messaged him to ask how his week went. He ended up flipping a computer he built for another one, and has 3 computers set up in his living room now. As per usual, we catch up on shows, watch Netflix, play games, and talk a lot of philosophy. While I was playing a game at his place one day, he was watching another documentary on LGBT culture on a whim. I didn't ask him about it, but I've noticed he's been watching more and more things related to gay culture, and also started asking me questions, opinions, and talking over sexuality more. Last night he discussed a scenario to get my opinion: if there were a pill or some magic switch to make me straight and lose all gay interests in favor of fitting with evolutionary standards on the premise that the point of Life is reproduction, would I do it? My answer was "at this point in my life I am establisher in who I am as a gay guy and where my interests are.. to change my sexuality would be to redefine who I am as a unique individual; so No." J totally understood and agreed with me, saying it was a topic he and his roommate had the other day. Then he asked, theoretically again, that if I were able to become pregnant with stem cell changes, had a kid, but genetic links and capabilities told me ahead of time that he or she would be gay and I had the option to change that, would I? Again, my answer was No on the fact that my child's life is their own to decide and to live out, and that as a parent my job would be to raise them healthy, teach them good morals, and let my child define and live out his/her dreams as wished.
J also asked me as I drove him around the other day if I ever wanted to have kids and why. He's also invited me over only for him to show up at the door darting his head around to invite me in, then fleeing to his room clad in only his boxers to put some light shorts on and keep his shirt off the rest of the day.
I know, as always, that my perception is very biased in the fleeting possibility of him turning out to be gay or bi. It just seems lately that he's for some reason very fascinated with learning about gay culture and afflictions I have to deal with in a straight society, and other questions like my potential interest in raising kids down the line or what I want in a relationship. Oh, and earlier today as we drove around the metroplex he was blaring his (honestly, very very gay style) dance/disco music in my car, multiple tracks pointing out how gay they are, one that he said is by far the gayest song he knows while dancing with it and turning the volume all the way up. I asked him why, and he stated that it made him think of dancing while wearing "daisy dukes" short short cutoff jeans. I laughed and told him he'd probably look adorable in them, and he responded with "Aww thanks! Maybe when I expire some old jeans I could cut them and try that out." Seriously, J? Stop giving me reasons to think you're in the closet!
I also may have mentioned this in the previous updates, but J and I are both smokers. Yes, a very shitty habit that is horrible in many many ways, and something I hope to eventually quit for health's sake. If I go for a smoke while spending any vicinity around him, WE smoke together. There is almost never a time where I smoke alone or J smoke alone - if I go outside for a smoke, he joins me and I bum him a cig. If he wants one, he suggests it, motions to me, or otherwise lets me know that WE should to have a smoke. If I want one and he's not ready or in the middle of something, he'll want me to wait, and he does the same for me if I need to address something first. This is also the case with watching shows together, eating together, playing certain games together, planning outings with friends, etc.
Any day we spend together now, even if with another friend, if he gets hungry he'll wait for me to get hungry and he'll order something or we'll go out to eat at a restaurant and explore new places. He always pays. Always. If I try to contest, he'll brush it off and tell me not to worry about it, or that he's not counting dollars, or that I should save my money, etc. With me being unemployed for over a month and having to sell a collection of games to get over a hurdle last month, he feels really bad for me and sometimes reminds me now that if I need financial help or anything at all that he needs to know, and that it hurts him that I had to sell off my main hobby to skate by. I'm a hardened individual that wants to do everything in my power to take care of my own issues without getting others involved, even if it means making personal sacrifices. I am this way because I don't want to fall into being dependent on friends or family to fix mistakes I made on my own accord and bring others down with me. J knows this about me and we have briefly talked about it on several recent hangouts, that to him my happiness and stability is more important than him having extra money in his bank. Even if I'm mad at him, or we're on a period of me needing distance, that he is there for me.
In the past few months he's given me a key to his apartment, a key to his computer lock, shared how much money he has saved up and his bank's debit card pin, showed me his "secret personal document" on his computer including his computer admin passwords, and pretty much has told me that what is his is mine, and that in the future if the tables were turned he knows I would do the same for him. He trusts me with most of his entire life so far and knows I would never betray him, and just wants me to be happy.
Aside from physical intimacy and living in the same place or sleeping in the same bed, it feels like we're married at this point, or at least in a long term relationship that is getting much more interlocked than just mere good friends.
Part of me wants to curiously bring up to him on how much he's focused on watching, reading, discussing, and otherwise immersing himself in gay culture very openly with me. It is undoubtably giving me mixed signals, especially his 'daisy dukes' moment, but if he is developing a curiosity in the back of his mind, I don't want to bring that forward and scare him from the idea. On the other hand, his rising trust and bond with me may just make him feel more comfortable with talking about the topic of what its like to be gay on the presumption that I won't take it for him being curious in furthering a relationship with me, and just curiosity to learn more about my side of the garden.
It's tough for me because he's bonded with me far beyond anyone else has and the constant reminders that he's got a weird 'gay side' but otherwise straight connection with me digs me into a circle of passionate loathing. I know when we mutually distance myself from our regular hangouts that when he says he understands and is ready for me to come back, that he's hurting on the inside, knowing that despite it being my one way love problem, he wants and needs me as a constant close friend and is silently hurting in my absence but doesn't want to directly or indirectly guilt me. I've known J long enough to detect body language, speech patterns, and odd shifts in conversations when he is hiding something or dodging a topic. I also know when to inquire or to let him be.
I really wish we could have our hangouts with me walking into his place by hugging, kissing, do what we normally do, cuddle and hold hands or hold each other while we watch shows on netflix or other things, let me massage his muscles to relax, give him a surprise BJ to make him feel amazing and physically show my love, and at least sleep in the same bed together. He is very handsome, goofy and adorkable, smart, has completely synchronous moral, philosophical, religious (or lake thereof), and political standards that perfectly match me at every corner. He has a quick deciding adventurous mind that supplements my slow but carefully evaulated thinking, and we enjoy doing everything together as much as possible. J is, to me, the perfect partner in every aspect I can conceive - except the physical and label of dating / initimate relationship. It drives me crazy sometimes.
I just don't know what to do but I can't let him go. It is also that very reason that the idea of him moving to Taiwan shatters my heart.. not because of a foreign cute girl that he's chosen over everything else, but that I likely won't see him for years if at all. Moving so far to a different culture will probably change him and put me in the past, but I still want HIM to be happy - I just don't want to face the potentially final farewall with the strongest love of my life.
J also asked me as I drove him around the other day if I ever wanted to have kids and why. He's also invited me over only for him to show up at the door darting his head around to invite me in, then fleeing to his room clad in only his boxers to put some light shorts on and keep his shirt off the rest of the day.
I know, as always, that my perception is very biased in the fleeting possibility of him turning out to be gay or bi. It just seems lately that he's for some reason very fascinated with learning about gay culture and afflictions I have to deal with in a straight society, and other questions like my potential interest in raising kids down the line or what I want in a relationship. Oh, and earlier today as we drove around the metroplex he was blaring his (honestly, very very gay style) dance/disco music in my car, multiple tracks pointing out how gay they are, one that he said is by far the gayest song he knows while dancing with it and turning the volume all the way up. I asked him why, and he stated that it made him think of dancing while wearing "daisy dukes" short short cutoff jeans. I laughed and told him he'd probably look adorable in them, and he responded with "Aww thanks! Maybe when I expire some old jeans I could cut them and try that out." Seriously, J? Stop giving me reasons to think you're in the closet!
I also may have mentioned this in the previous updates, but J and I are both smokers. Yes, a very shitty habit that is horrible in many many ways, and something I hope to eventually quit for health's sake. If I go for a smoke while spending any vicinity around him, WE smoke together. There is almost never a time where I smoke alone or J smoke alone - if I go outside for a smoke, he joins me and I bum him a cig. If he wants one, he suggests it, motions to me, or otherwise lets me know that WE should to have a smoke. If I want one and he's not ready or in the middle of something, he'll want me to wait, and he does the same for me if I need to address something first. This is also the case with watching shows together, eating together, playing certain games together, planning outings with friends, etc.
Any day we spend together now, even if with another friend, if he gets hungry he'll wait for me to get hungry and he'll order something or we'll go out to eat at a restaurant and explore new places. He always pays. Always. If I try to contest, he'll brush it off and tell me not to worry about it, or that he's not counting dollars, or that I should save my money, etc. With me being unemployed for over a month and having to sell a collection of games to get over a hurdle last month, he feels really bad for me and sometimes reminds me now that if I need financial help or anything at all that he needs to know, and that it hurts him that I had to sell off my main hobby to skate by. I'm a hardened individual that wants to do everything in my power to take care of my own issues without getting others involved, even if it means making personal sacrifices. I am this way because I don't want to fall into being dependent on friends or family to fix mistakes I made on my own accord and bring others down with me. J knows this about me and we have briefly talked about it on several recent hangouts, that to him my happiness and stability is more important than him having extra money in his bank. Even if I'm mad at him, or we're on a period of me needing distance, that he is there for me.
In the past few months he's given me a key to his apartment, a key to his computer lock, shared how much money he has saved up and his bank's debit card pin, showed me his "secret personal document" on his computer including his computer admin passwords, and pretty much has told me that what is his is mine, and that in the future if the tables were turned he knows I would do the same for him. He trusts me with most of his entire life so far and knows I would never betray him, and just wants me to be happy.
Aside from physical intimacy and living in the same place or sleeping in the same bed, it feels like we're married at this point, or at least in a long term relationship that is getting much more interlocked than just mere good friends.
Part of me wants to curiously bring up to him on how much he's focused on watching, reading, discussing, and otherwise immersing himself in gay culture very openly with me. It is undoubtably giving me mixed signals, especially his 'daisy dukes' moment, but if he is developing a curiosity in the back of his mind, I don't want to bring that forward and scare him from the idea. On the other hand, his rising trust and bond with me may just make him feel more comfortable with talking about the topic of what its like to be gay on the presumption that I won't take it for him being curious in furthering a relationship with me, and just curiosity to learn more about my side of the garden.
It's tough for me because he's bonded with me far beyond anyone else has and the constant reminders that he's got a weird 'gay side' but otherwise straight connection with me digs me into a circle of passionate loathing. I know when we mutually distance myself from our regular hangouts that when he says he understands and is ready for me to come back, that he's hurting on the inside, knowing that despite it being my one way love problem, he wants and needs me as a constant close friend and is silently hurting in my absence but doesn't want to directly or indirectly guilt me. I've known J long enough to detect body language, speech patterns, and odd shifts in conversations when he is hiding something or dodging a topic. I also know when to inquire or to let him be.
I really wish we could have our hangouts with me walking into his place by hugging, kissing, do what we normally do, cuddle and hold hands or hold each other while we watch shows on netflix or other things, let me massage his muscles to relax, give him a surprise BJ to make him feel amazing and physically show my love, and at least sleep in the same bed together. He is very handsome, goofy and adorkable, smart, has completely synchronous moral, philosophical, religious (or lake thereof), and political standards that perfectly match me at every corner. He has a quick deciding adventurous mind that supplements my slow but carefully evaulated thinking, and we enjoy doing everything together as much as possible. J is, to me, the perfect partner in every aspect I can conceive - except the physical and label of dating / initimate relationship. It drives me crazy sometimes.
I just don't know what to do but I can't let him go. It is also that very reason that the idea of him moving to Taiwan shatters my heart.. not because of a foreign cute girl that he's chosen over everything else, but that I likely won't see him for years if at all. Moving so far to a different culture will probably change him and put me in the past, but I still want HIM to be happy - I just don't want to face the potentially final farewall with the strongest love of my life.
