colgan1999
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Attracted to new friend
- Thread starter michaang
- Start date
Well everyone, it's been a while since I've had an update. We've mainly just been friends over the past year. He began working at a summer camp for kids over the summer and made some friends. One whom he got a new (very, very expensive) apartment with. More on that later.
J and I had a great time with my now 10 year long term friends at the convention last year, and booked a room together. When I booked the room I only had the choice of a single bed, and J's older cousin invited himself to join us and split the cost of the room if he slept on the floor. So J and I shared the bed together all 3 nights at the convention, though nothing happened between us. He was a full body apart from me on the bed the first two nights, but closer on the third night with his arm by my head. Didn't think too much of it then though, since we were quite tired by then.
Overall we would hang out and play games, get food, or go to a dance club. Sometimes he would bring his girlfriend, sometimes it was just him and I on a weekend night when she wasn't available. There's something that his girlfriend and I definitely have agreed on though, and that's the $1500/month rent J and his roommate are splitting. J only knew the guy for 2 months and was talked into it. Since then J has struggled with having enough money each month since he still waits tables at a restaurant and doesn't make too much as a substitute teacher (a job he's getting closer to his teacher goal.)
J also started asking my opinions of certain guys we'd meet at different parties we would go to. Only 2 or 3 times that I recall, but it would always been a random out of context question and throw me off. Each time he'd say "I'm not into guys but I think he's handsome, and I'm kind of jealous." It may be because he feels more comfortable of getting my opinion as a gay man. Then again, I'm not quite sure.
A couple months ago there was a night that I went with J and his girlfriend out for dinner and then to the dance club. I felt like I was going with J on a date night with his girlfriend, but it was for a special event at the club that he invited me to. I sat in the back of the car, but J would open the car door for me and just watch his girlfriend. He also opened building doors for me, but not her. We also got pictures taken together in front of some artwork, again without her. She also was clearly not having a good time at all the whole night.
I had noticed her discontent with him for a while now, and that continued until recently. I spent an entire weekend with J staying at my apartment 3 weeks ago, only him leaving a few times to go to work. We had a lot of fun that weekend, and we didn't talk the rest of the week. Until I randomly got a text from J at 6pm on a Thursday asking if he could come over that night. I said sure, but had an uneasy feeling since we hadn't hung out on weekdays in a very long time and it was a random out of the blue text. He told me he'd change and be right over.
When J arrived he talked about something on the drive to my place, and then said we should go and have a cig. When we went outside to my patio, he began telling me that he broke up with his girlfriend, and that it had been expected for a while. I was a bit stunned but saw it coming, just didn't know when it would happen. He also told me that she was lying to him, her family, and his family about talking college courses for the past year and a half. How she pulled that off I'm not sure, but she had also told him that she was planning on breaking up with him when he finally got a teaching job instead of earlier and disrupting his life to delay getting a teaching job.
J wasn't yelling or too upset, but just venting everything he wanted to think out loud and knew I was there for him. We watched some videos and listened to some music, and he relaxed a bit over a few hours. He then went home, and we didn't hang out that weekend. However, the following week he texted me before I even got off work and asked if he could come over. I told him I was at work and what time I'd be home. An hour after I got home he showed up, and was really pissed off.
Over the course of a few hours he's almost at the point of yelling while talking about how his roommate (who I will now call T) is screwing him over. T's girlfriend who he's only dated for about 4-5 months has an RV, and T and his girlfriend absolutely have to leave on a nation-wide exploration trip next month. T doesn't think it's his problem for J to have to find another roommate since he's on the lease too and doesn't care if his credit gets dinged for abandoning an apartment before end of lease. It's a fucked up situation, and I was there for J to rant about it and give some advice.
So last weekend J convinced his roommate to at least post ads on craigslist for a roommate, and J seems be more assured of his current life since then. However, on Friday (which was Valentine's Day), I went to my friends' place at my old apartment (as I moved to another city closer to work last year) to spend time with good friends for the holiday. While I was there J began messaging me on Facebook asking if I had a valentine's date. I told him I didn't, and he asked me if I wanted to go out and do something, or if I wanted to grab a bite to eat, or whatever I wanted to do. I told him I was with friends, and he said if I was free later to let him know. This really confused me. On any other day it would have been normal, but the fact it was Valentine's Day and the way he was inquiring just seemed a bit off.
I waited for an hour or two before messaging him saying that I'd like to go out and do something, so he came over to the friend gathering (party? not quite..) for a bit, and after a short while we decided to go out to a dance club. We had a good time at the club and having started a carb/sugar free diet recently, having a mere 3 beers made me incredibly drunk. When J and I left, a guy that was bleeding from his lips told us he was attacked by a man and his woman and she was cheating on him, and he was walking around with his shirt off to use his shirt to soak the blood. He asked us for a cigarette, told us more of his story, and J took off his shirt and undershirt to give the guy his undershirt, then we left and got to J's car. It was a random encounter, but J always has a pure spirit to him.
I fell asleep on the drive home as I was quite drunk, and J woke me up as we were at my apartment. He helped me up the stairs and walked me to my bed, and I collapsed onto it as I couldn't see. J laughed at me as this went on (I imagine it was quite hilarious to see) and he also commented on how he's never seen me that drunk before. (Seriously. I only had 3 beers, it was weird but makes sense with my diet change.) He took my shoes off while saying "There, that way no one will draw penises on your face." Except unless my cat can draw, that wouldn't happen anyways. He also took off my glasses and my hat, as well as my jacket, and then took my phone and keys so he could plug in my phone, and put my keys in a place I'd find them. I heard him leave, and next thing I knew it was yesterday afternoon.
I had a date planned for the late afternoon already but didn't tell J because I didn't know if J was suddenly becoming interested in me or not. I still don't, but I got a text from J shortly before my date was supposed to arrive and he wanted to hang out before he was "going to see a lady friend later.". I told him I had a date soon and that may later we could hang out. He excitedly texted me back telling me he wanted to know details and wished me luck. I asked him if his 'lady friend' was a date, and he said they dated a few times back in college but that he was too busy with school at the time. I told him to give me details as well, and didn't hear back from him. My date was a bit awkward and we had clashing chemistry, so I told J that but still didn't hear back from him.
This morning at around 10AM J texted me "Just got home
" and I told him "I figured." Haven't heard back from him on that, either. I suppose I'm still looking too deeply into this, but over time I've come to realize that I'm in love with J, and I always have to put a wall inbetween J and myself whenever it comes to being around him. I value our friendship more than anything to ruin it, but on my recent dates with different guys (none that I've found interesting so far) I always fall back to thinking about J. I think that my feelings for J are hindering myself and I question whether or not I need to restrict how often I spend time with J.
The fact that J is single now makes it even more difficult to be around him, and I still feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Overall though, that is what has been going. I really don't know what to think of J, but I do love him, and he's the best friend I've ever had - a friendship I will never compromise.
J and I had a great time with my now 10 year long term friends at the convention last year, and booked a room together. When I booked the room I only had the choice of a single bed, and J's older cousin invited himself to join us and split the cost of the room if he slept on the floor. So J and I shared the bed together all 3 nights at the convention, though nothing happened between us. He was a full body apart from me on the bed the first two nights, but closer on the third night with his arm by my head. Didn't think too much of it then though, since we were quite tired by then.
Overall we would hang out and play games, get food, or go to a dance club. Sometimes he would bring his girlfriend, sometimes it was just him and I on a weekend night when she wasn't available. There's something that his girlfriend and I definitely have agreed on though, and that's the $1500/month rent J and his roommate are splitting. J only knew the guy for 2 months and was talked into it. Since then J has struggled with having enough money each month since he still waits tables at a restaurant and doesn't make too much as a substitute teacher (a job he's getting closer to his teacher goal.)
J also started asking my opinions of certain guys we'd meet at different parties we would go to. Only 2 or 3 times that I recall, but it would always been a random out of context question and throw me off. Each time he'd say "I'm not into guys but I think he's handsome, and I'm kind of jealous." It may be because he feels more comfortable of getting my opinion as a gay man. Then again, I'm not quite sure.
A couple months ago there was a night that I went with J and his girlfriend out for dinner and then to the dance club. I felt like I was going with J on a date night with his girlfriend, but it was for a special event at the club that he invited me to. I sat in the back of the car, but J would open the car door for me and just watch his girlfriend. He also opened building doors for me, but not her. We also got pictures taken together in front of some artwork, again without her. She also was clearly not having a good time at all the whole night.
I had noticed her discontent with him for a while now, and that continued until recently. I spent an entire weekend with J staying at my apartment 3 weeks ago, only him leaving a few times to go to work. We had a lot of fun that weekend, and we didn't talk the rest of the week. Until I randomly got a text from J at 6pm on a Thursday asking if he could come over that night. I said sure, but had an uneasy feeling since we hadn't hung out on weekdays in a very long time and it was a random out of the blue text. He told me he'd change and be right over.
When J arrived he talked about something on the drive to my place, and then said we should go and have a cig. When we went outside to my patio, he began telling me that he broke up with his girlfriend, and that it had been expected for a while. I was a bit stunned but saw it coming, just didn't know when it would happen. He also told me that she was lying to him, her family, and his family about talking college courses for the past year and a half. How she pulled that off I'm not sure, but she had also told him that she was planning on breaking up with him when he finally got a teaching job instead of earlier and disrupting his life to delay getting a teaching job.
J wasn't yelling or too upset, but just venting everything he wanted to think out loud and knew I was there for him. We watched some videos and listened to some music, and he relaxed a bit over a few hours. He then went home, and we didn't hang out that weekend. However, the following week he texted me before I even got off work and asked if he could come over. I told him I was at work and what time I'd be home. An hour after I got home he showed up, and was really pissed off.
Over the course of a few hours he's almost at the point of yelling while talking about how his roommate (who I will now call T) is screwing him over. T's girlfriend who he's only dated for about 4-5 months has an RV, and T and his girlfriend absolutely have to leave on a nation-wide exploration trip next month. T doesn't think it's his problem for J to have to find another roommate since he's on the lease too and doesn't care if his credit gets dinged for abandoning an apartment before end of lease. It's a fucked up situation, and I was there for J to rant about it and give some advice.
So last weekend J convinced his roommate to at least post ads on craigslist for a roommate, and J seems be more assured of his current life since then. However, on Friday (which was Valentine's Day), I went to my friends' place at my old apartment (as I moved to another city closer to work last year) to spend time with good friends for the holiday. While I was there J began messaging me on Facebook asking if I had a valentine's date. I told him I didn't, and he asked me if I wanted to go out and do something, or if I wanted to grab a bite to eat, or whatever I wanted to do. I told him I was with friends, and he said if I was free later to let him know. This really confused me. On any other day it would have been normal, but the fact it was Valentine's Day and the way he was inquiring just seemed a bit off.
I waited for an hour or two before messaging him saying that I'd like to go out and do something, so he came over to the friend gathering (party? not quite..) for a bit, and after a short while we decided to go out to a dance club. We had a good time at the club and having started a carb/sugar free diet recently, having a mere 3 beers made me incredibly drunk. When J and I left, a guy that was bleeding from his lips told us he was attacked by a man and his woman and she was cheating on him, and he was walking around with his shirt off to use his shirt to soak the blood. He asked us for a cigarette, told us more of his story, and J took off his shirt and undershirt to give the guy his undershirt, then we left and got to J's car. It was a random encounter, but J always has a pure spirit to him.
I fell asleep on the drive home as I was quite drunk, and J woke me up as we were at my apartment. He helped me up the stairs and walked me to my bed, and I collapsed onto it as I couldn't see. J laughed at me as this went on (I imagine it was quite hilarious to see) and he also commented on how he's never seen me that drunk before. (Seriously. I only had 3 beers, it was weird but makes sense with my diet change.) He took my shoes off while saying "There, that way no one will draw penises on your face." Except unless my cat can draw, that wouldn't happen anyways. He also took off my glasses and my hat, as well as my jacket, and then took my phone and keys so he could plug in my phone, and put my keys in a place I'd find them. I heard him leave, and next thing I knew it was yesterday afternoon.
I had a date planned for the late afternoon already but didn't tell J because I didn't know if J was suddenly becoming interested in me or not. I still don't, but I got a text from J shortly before my date was supposed to arrive and he wanted to hang out before he was "going to see a lady friend later.". I told him I had a date soon and that may later we could hang out. He excitedly texted me back telling me he wanted to know details and wished me luck. I asked him if his 'lady friend' was a date, and he said they dated a few times back in college but that he was too busy with school at the time. I told him to give me details as well, and didn't hear back from him. My date was a bit awkward and we had clashing chemistry, so I told J that but still didn't hear back from him.
This morning at around 10AM J texted me "Just got home
" and I told him "I figured." Haven't heard back from him on that, either. I suppose I'm still looking too deeply into this, but over time I've come to realize that I'm in love with J, and I always have to put a wall inbetween J and myself whenever it comes to being around him. I value our friendship more than anything to ruin it, but on my recent dates with different guys (none that I've found interesting so far) I always fall back to thinking about J. I think that my feelings for J are hindering myself and I question whether or not I need to restrict how often I spend time with J.The fact that J is single now makes it even more difficult to be around him, and I still feel like I'm getting mixed signals. Overall though, that is what has been going. I really don't know what to think of J, but I do love him, and he's the best friend I've ever had - a friendship I will never compromise.
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Treasure the friendship over the sex. But that doesn't stop you from fantasizing about the sex. J. sounds like he's a great friend.
titan1968
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I agree with sonicyouth.
Auron, from what you've told us, I can see why you're attracted to J. He obviously thinks the world of you too and considers you one of his closest friends. :biggrin1:
Auron, from what you've told us, I can see why you're attracted to J. He obviously thinks the world of you too and considers you one of his closest friends. :biggrin1:
The past few weeks have been very quiet communication between J and I, which feels a bit odd given his recent messages. I asked him the other day if he was doing anything this weekend and got an immediate response, telling me he was working and didn't know what else but that some bad shit went down the past weekend and that he'd tell me later that night. Never heard back about that or anything else in 3 days, tried to call him too.
Early this morning I got a text message that he was at work from open until close yesterday, and that his phone had died. Tried to message and call him today, and again no response. I suppose it's possible he may just be really busy and sleeping when he's not, but I've known him for over a year and I can tell he's been unusually distant from me since Valentine's Day. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I'll just assume for now that he's been busy and dealing with more of life's bullshit.
Early this morning I got a text message that he was at work from open until close yesterday, and that his phone had died. Tried to message and call him today, and again no response. I suppose it's possible he may just be really busy and sleeping when he's not, but I've known him for over a year and I can tell he's been unusually distant from me since Valentine's Day. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I'll just assume for now that he's been busy and dealing with more of life's bullshit.
Dealing with more of life's bullshit is exactly what is going on. Finally talked to J on Facebook tonight and it turns out he totaled his car while too drunk after his cousin's wedding, but had no (physical) injuries and no one else was hurt, nor did he get a DUI or anything. He's been having to use public transit across DFW to get everywhere and hasn't really had any spare time to do anything. This really sucks for him :/ In the span of a month he broke up with his girlfriend, almost got screwed over by his selfish roommate, and now he lost his car that he loves too.
J's birthday was a few weeks ago and he has recently started hosting video game parties at his apartment. Coupled with his dedicated use of the public transit and myself being able to borrow another friend's car on most weekends, J and I have been spending more time together lately as a result. On the weekend after his birthday (since it was in the middle of the week) he planned a video game night on Friday, and a night in downtown Dallas at a dance club and bars for Saturday.
I went to the game night on that Friday and had a good time with he and his friends, while also hanging out with his roommate a bit that night when everyone else left. His roommate was pretty drunk and apparently didn't remember anything that night on Saturday morning, but he told me that J is an 'external liar' when J wasn't in the room, and that people don't know him like he projects himself. I didn't press into it because J entered the room a moment later.
As I didn't sleep very well that night, I drove home the next morning and took a nap, then did some errands in the afternoon and killed some time. I had issues getting my new contacts in (as up until about a month ago I had always worn glassse) that night and got frustrated. Which speaking of, J awkwardly complimented me earlier that week on how nice I look with contacts. "You look nice without glasses. I mean.. you looked nice before, but you look really good now" I also was emotionally bottled up about J for some reason and just felt like I shouldn't be around him, so I went to sleep early. What I failed to do was tell J that I wasn't going to the bars with he and his friends, nor did I plug in my phone to charge.
I also felt quite a bit depressed on Sunday and a little sick, which later that following week became a cold, and didn't do much on Sunday. I didn't even check my phone until Monday morning when I went to work as I didn't begin charging it until later Sunday night. As a result, I had an onslaught of missed text messages, voicemails, Google+ messages from J, and missed messages from a few other friends that J had contacted to try to reach me. J freaked out thinking I got pulled over, or in an accident, or died, or was mad at him for some reason. Nothing of the sort, I was just beginning to get sick, felt depressed, and emotionally wrapped up about how I feel about J.
The truth came out as I talked with J over IM that sometimes my feelings for him build up and I can't express them because he's straight, and that I have to distant myself sometimes (although I also told him that I did fall asleep on Saturday night since I was tired) - because I'm in love with him. He immediately responded that he loves me too and that he understands what it's like to be in my position, but that he's NOT going anywhere. He also told me that he feels closer to me than a lot of girls that he's dated and that I'm the best friend he's had.
Since then he's rebuilt his bike with the tax return money and car insurance return on his totaled accident (since he had full coverage) and become very immersed in traveling by bicycle to buying all kinds of accessories and travel bags to attach to his bike, and is urging me to do the same. He wants to go on 'Biking Adventures' with me, and has mentioned traveling by bus and bike to different parts of the state or other places, and camping. He's also made sure to visit me at least twice a week since then, and also started hugging me every time we part ways.
A few days ago he messaged me wanting to go out a club downtown for Friday night and I agreed, but later I seemed contemplating especially since I've been quite broke the past week (and had to pay rent, etc) so he decided upon himself to come to my apartment instead to hang out, stating "Club nights are not a requisite for us to have a good time, as we've demonstrated on numerous occasions." We talked more and both ended up having late bus rides from our jobs, and randomly mentioned "I just realized another reason why I'm so content with public transit: I'm not trying to get laid." then went on how about public transit isn't so bad and saves a lot of money compared to cars. The mention of getting laid was quite random though and had no context.
As he almost reached my apartment he texted me that we should get wasted, and soon after he got there I busted out a bottle of rum and we mixed it with soda to drink while we watched biking videos, listened to techno music, and had a good time just talking about a lot of things. A one point when we went outside to have a smoke, he mentioned that he's like the Hedonismbot on Futurama and that he "enjoys pleasure. Whatever feels good." I don't know if it was the alcohol or not, but it was hard for me to tell if he was trying to insinuate something.
Also since he came to my apartment in his work clothes he had a change of clothes, and changed in front of me in my livingroom several times (when we left for a local gas station at one point he switched clothes when leaving and coming back), again he's never done this. The second time he changed, he stayed in his underwear for about 5-10 minutes while showing me things on youtube. In the past he's always gone into another room to change but there are many nuances such as this that have changed since I told him that I love him. We've also exchanged over 2500 text messages messages since then as well.
I still view and respect him as a straight friend, but lately he keeps getting closer and closer to me as a friend and the weird part is that if we go more than 6-8 hours without communicating, he starts to worry about <_insert random reason_> and try to find a way to communicate with me in any way he can, or just worry until he hears from me again. I don't know how normal this one but I've never in my life have a friend be so attached to communicating with me. I don't view it as a bad thing, honestly.. I just find it hard to interpret on a logical level.
Anyways, that was my latest batch of experiences with J. He continues to surprise me but no matter what, I will always love him and do everything I can to preserve our friendship. If, and only if he finds himself interested in men (and/or me), that will be his interest to decide and I will not take any action to attempt to push him in that direction. It's his life, not mine, but again our friendship is what is most important.
I went to the game night on that Friday and had a good time with he and his friends, while also hanging out with his roommate a bit that night when everyone else left. His roommate was pretty drunk and apparently didn't remember anything that night on Saturday morning, but he told me that J is an 'external liar' when J wasn't in the room, and that people don't know him like he projects himself. I didn't press into it because J entered the room a moment later.
As I didn't sleep very well that night, I drove home the next morning and took a nap, then did some errands in the afternoon and killed some time. I had issues getting my new contacts in (as up until about a month ago I had always worn glassse) that night and got frustrated. Which speaking of, J awkwardly complimented me earlier that week on how nice I look with contacts. "You look nice without glasses. I mean.. you looked nice before, but you look really good now
" I also was emotionally bottled up about J for some reason and just felt like I shouldn't be around him, so I went to sleep early. What I failed to do was tell J that I wasn't going to the bars with he and his friends, nor did I plug in my phone to charge.I also felt quite a bit depressed on Sunday and a little sick, which later that following week became a cold, and didn't do much on Sunday. I didn't even check my phone until Monday morning when I went to work as I didn't begin charging it until later Sunday night. As a result, I had an onslaught of missed text messages, voicemails, Google+ messages from J, and missed messages from a few other friends that J had contacted to try to reach me. J freaked out thinking I got pulled over, or in an accident, or died, or was mad at him for some reason. Nothing of the sort, I was just beginning to get sick, felt depressed, and emotionally wrapped up about how I feel about J.
The truth came out as I talked with J over IM that sometimes my feelings for him build up and I can't express them because he's straight, and that I have to distant myself sometimes (although I also told him that I did fall asleep on Saturday night since I was tired) - because I'm in love with him. He immediately responded that he loves me too and that he understands what it's like to be in my position, but that he's NOT going anywhere. He also told me that he feels closer to me than a lot of girls that he's dated and that I'm the best friend he's had.
Since then he's rebuilt his bike with the tax return money and car insurance return on his totaled accident (since he had full coverage) and become very immersed in traveling by bicycle to buying all kinds of accessories and travel bags to attach to his bike, and is urging me to do the same. He wants to go on 'Biking Adventures' with me, and has mentioned traveling by bus and bike to different parts of the state or other places, and camping. He's also made sure to visit me at least twice a week since then, and also started hugging me every time we part ways.
A few days ago he messaged me wanting to go out a club downtown for Friday night and I agreed, but later I seemed contemplating especially since I've been quite broke the past week (and had to pay rent, etc) so he decided upon himself to come to my apartment instead to hang out, stating "Club nights are not a requisite for us to have a good time, as we've demonstrated on numerous occasions." We talked more and both ended up having late bus rides from our jobs, and randomly mentioned "I just realized another reason why I'm so content with public transit: I'm not trying to get laid." then went on how about public transit isn't so bad and saves a lot of money compared to cars. The mention of getting laid was quite random though and had no context.
As he almost reached my apartment he texted me that we should get wasted, and soon after he got there I busted out a bottle of rum and we mixed it with soda to drink while we watched biking videos, listened to techno music, and had a good time just talking about a lot of things. A one point when we went outside to have a smoke, he mentioned that he's like the Hedonismbot on Futurama and that he "enjoys pleasure. Whatever feels good." I don't know if it was the alcohol or not, but it was hard for me to tell if he was trying to insinuate something.
Also since he came to my apartment in his work clothes he had a change of clothes, and changed in front of me in my livingroom several times (when we left for a local gas station at one point he switched clothes when leaving and coming back), again he's never done this. The second time he changed, he stayed in his underwear for about 5-10 minutes while showing me things on youtube. In the past he's always gone into another room to change but there are many nuances such as this that have changed since I told him that I love him. We've also exchanged over 2500 text messages messages since then as well.
I still view and respect him as a straight friend, but lately he keeps getting closer and closer to me as a friend and the weird part is that if we go more than 6-8 hours without communicating, he starts to worry about <_insert random reason_> and try to find a way to communicate with me in any way he can, or just worry until he hears from me again. I don't know how normal this one but I've never in my life have a friend be so attached to communicating with me. I don't view it as a bad thing, honestly.. I just find it hard to interpret on a logical level.
Anyways, that was my latest batch of experiences with J. He continues to surprise me but no matter what, I will always love him and do everything I can to preserve our friendship. If, and only if he finds himself interested in men (and/or me), that will be his interest to decide and I will not take any action to attempt to push him in that direction. It's his life, not mine, but again our friendship is what is most important.
The progression of this story is very intriguing and keeps me constantly interested. At this point though, you said you aren't going to push him for anything but you need to also consider the respect he should have for you. I don't know all of the details, but I know what it is like to be in your position with your feelings, and his actions seem to be really hanging you up putting you into intimacy limbo. After a while I feel like you need to directly address it so you do not waste too much time with a certain goal in mind, while he has a completely different goal in mind. With that being said, your situation sounds great, and the fact that he is obviously making you very happy right now is awesome. I hope everything works out for the best with you.
Stephenmass
Legendary Member
Not sure how but I picked up on this thread again after not viewing it in a long time. I've read and caught up also. You read his every move or attempt to. He seems to so far be just more comfortable around you and doesn't care if you see him in his underwear or whatever knowing how you feel about him. It would drive me crazy if I had feelings for him so I don't envy you. I do envy the friendship though. That much I'll say.
I think you are smart to respect his straightness as you have all along. But it seems to have reached a point where to do so disrupts your internal well being. Do I read this as a signal? Do I not? His leg brushed mine. I saw him in his underwear, etc. You LOVE this guy, so you feel those things every time they happen. To him they may just be a I'm comfortable around you kind of deal as you have respected my being straight for a long time and seem to have honored it. It's really fucked up.
I don't think he is playing you along whatsoever. If that was the case you would have long ago felt taken advantage of by a straight guy knowing you have the hots for him and have for a long time. He seems to reciprocate emotionally while keeping the physical distance. At the same time, it IS an unusual closeness. But it's great that you two continue to be strong friends!
In a prior post of yours awhile ago, you wrote about how he was spending lots of time in the bathroom and how you noticed his boner more than once. Like anyone would in your circumstance you wonder if it is him thinking about at the very least bisexual sex or just a coincidence that you noticed. You care about him and long for him in the worst way. Who wouldn't in your situation feel and think the way you do?
If it were me, and you don't have to do this obviously because it may make him very uncomfortable after working so hard to establish I guess "comfort zones" around one another, I'd probably ask him if he ever had thoughts of having sex with another guy, etc. You could say you if you are that daring, but keep it general as it IS crossing the line a bit.
I don't know if that's good advice or not, but you are driving yourself nuts wondering if he has something going on inside of him that would like to take it further with you but is afraid to do so. I'm assuming he has never been with any guy before and wonder myself if he occasionally struggles with it. If you do ask him about it, be general and make it not about you. It may make the comfortable zone "chilly" though so you may not want to test the water that I have just said.
It makes it incredibly hard to give you advice because we are on the outside looking in and reading how you feel about it all through your words. I'd love to read his version somewhere (I know it doesn't exist) to see if he is having problems himself holding his feelings for another guy perhaps at bay because he doesn't want to fall into what he fears physical intimacy. He has obviously already connected with you emotionally, but he physical is a big step if he is even remotely considering it.
At the same time, all of what I wrote could be bullshit too and for him, because you have respected his space, simply makes it more comfortable for him to be him around you. At the very least, you have got going on what a lot of us wish we had, an emotional connection with our own sex. He seems to enjoy your friendship for sure or he would have stopped being around you long ago. But again you respected his space and it keeps him around if he is, in fact totally straight.
Life is all about risks, but losing a friend like J would be really tough for you. One, because you love him, and two, even if you didn't, you also love the emotional connection the two of you have made.
I give this advice to others I guess and I'll give it to you to. Continue to respect his straightness unless it gets to be too difficult for you. If it is too difficult, creating the distance that you sometimes need may be needed for longer period of time. At the same time, if you can have another conversation with him and instead of wondering hear it from his own mouth, do so. You could preface it saying you will always respect his being straight, but sometimes you get mixed signals. It leaves you confused and anxious, etc. You wonder how he feels about you, etc. Right now it seems to be respecting him and yes you should if he is 100% straight. If he is struggling with that admitted "label" himself take it slow and easy and let him know how hard it is to accept ones own same sex attractions when you first begin to have them and how difficult self acceptance can be. If it's clear he is totally straight again, than back off and remain 100% FRIENDS with a strong emotional attachment but only if you can finally set aside that's all it can be.
I'd need to stop wondering if I were in your shoes and find out for sure from J himself, face to face. Let him know before you discuss anything that regardless of anything he may say that you will always respect that space the two of you have already somewhat created. Is he going through his own identity crisis? Is he not and just cherishes your friendship making this more of a very close friendship?
I don't know what to tell you. Tell us what you are thinking in clear terms.
I think you are smart to respect his straightness as you have all along. But it seems to have reached a point where to do so disrupts your internal well being. Do I read this as a signal? Do I not? His leg brushed mine. I saw him in his underwear, etc. You LOVE this guy, so you feel those things every time they happen. To him they may just be a I'm comfortable around you kind of deal as you have respected my being straight for a long time and seem to have honored it. It's really fucked up.
I don't think he is playing you along whatsoever. If that was the case you would have long ago felt taken advantage of by a straight guy knowing you have the hots for him and have for a long time. He seems to reciprocate emotionally while keeping the physical distance. At the same time, it IS an unusual closeness. But it's great that you two continue to be strong friends!
In a prior post of yours awhile ago, you wrote about how he was spending lots of time in the bathroom and how you noticed his boner more than once. Like anyone would in your circumstance you wonder if it is him thinking about at the very least bisexual sex or just a coincidence that you noticed. You care about him and long for him in the worst way. Who wouldn't in your situation feel and think the way you do?
If it were me, and you don't have to do this obviously because it may make him very uncomfortable after working so hard to establish I guess "comfort zones" around one another, I'd probably ask him if he ever had thoughts of having sex with another guy, etc. You could say you if you are that daring, but keep it general as it IS crossing the line a bit.
I don't know if that's good advice or not, but you are driving yourself nuts wondering if he has something going on inside of him that would like to take it further with you but is afraid to do so. I'm assuming he has never been with any guy before and wonder myself if he occasionally struggles with it. If you do ask him about it, be general and make it not about you. It may make the comfortable zone "chilly" though so you may not want to test the water that I have just said.
It makes it incredibly hard to give you advice because we are on the outside looking in and reading how you feel about it all through your words. I'd love to read his version somewhere (I know it doesn't exist) to see if he is having problems himself holding his feelings for another guy perhaps at bay because he doesn't want to fall into what he fears physical intimacy. He has obviously already connected with you emotionally, but he physical is a big step if he is even remotely considering it.
At the same time, all of what I wrote could be bullshit too and for him, because you have respected his space, simply makes it more comfortable for him to be him around you. At the very least, you have got going on what a lot of us wish we had, an emotional connection with our own sex. He seems to enjoy your friendship for sure or he would have stopped being around you long ago. But again you respected his space and it keeps him around if he is, in fact totally straight.
Life is all about risks, but losing a friend like J would be really tough for you. One, because you love him, and two, even if you didn't, you also love the emotional connection the two of you have made.
I give this advice to others I guess and I'll give it to you to. Continue to respect his straightness unless it gets to be too difficult for you. If it is too difficult, creating the distance that you sometimes need may be needed for longer period of time. At the same time, if you can have another conversation with him and instead of wondering hear it from his own mouth, do so. You could preface it saying you will always respect his being straight, but sometimes you get mixed signals. It leaves you confused and anxious, etc. You wonder how he feels about you, etc. Right now it seems to be respecting him and yes you should if he is 100% straight. If he is struggling with that admitted "label" himself take it slow and easy and let him know how hard it is to accept ones own same sex attractions when you first begin to have them and how difficult self acceptance can be. If it's clear he is totally straight again, than back off and remain 100% FRIENDS with a strong emotional attachment but only if you can finally set aside that's all it can be.
I'd need to stop wondering if I were in your shoes and find out for sure from J himself, face to face. Let him know before you discuss anything that regardless of anything he may say that you will always respect that space the two of you have already somewhat created. Is he going through his own identity crisis? Is he not and just cherishes your friendship making this more of a very close friendship?
I don't know what to tell you. Tell us what you are thinking in clear terms.
Stephenmass
Legendary Member
When I ask what you are thinking, I guess I also want to know if you are feeling any new vibes from him or if it's more or less the same vibe over and over again, driving you crazy.
I know you cherish your times with him. It is taking it's toll on you though. Lots of time not wasted because you have developed a great friendship, but if that is all it's going to be than perhaps you need to consider keeping the friendship with him and becoming more available to others so your emotional and physical needs can realistically be met.
I know you cherish your times with him. It is taking it's toll on you though. Lots of time not wasted because you have developed a great friendship, but if that is all it's going to be than perhaps you need to consider keeping the friendship with him and becoming more available to others so your emotional and physical needs can realistically be met.
I really appreciate your input, and I agree I've been analyzing this a bit too closely, most likely afflicted by my love for him. I have however got different vibes from him since I've confessed my feelings.
The other night when I subtlely brought up living situations he seemed wary about the idea of being roommates with me, despite our emotional closeness. I don't know if he's afraid of living with me or not. I have considered asking him whether or not he's had any experiences with guys, but unless there was a befitting context I feel it'd be too direct and obvious as to why I'm asking, and thus crossing the line.
One of my friends last night discussed this with me about J and she said that everytime we're together we look so cute together and that she wants to beat it in his mind that he should date me. Of course I've told her to back off, but we're noticeably close even amongst friends.
What am I thinking? Hard to say. I think I'm being driven by my emotions and read too much into this, and want to date other people. J is just always at my side. I do think it's a good idea to have a talk with him and state that I get mixed signals, but not sure how to bring that up without being awkward.
The other night when I subtlely brought up living situations he seemed wary about the idea of being roommates with me, despite our emotional closeness. I don't know if he's afraid of living with me or not. I have considered asking him whether or not he's had any experiences with guys, but unless there was a befitting context I feel it'd be too direct and obvious as to why I'm asking, and thus crossing the line.
One of my friends last night discussed this with me about J and she said that everytime we're together we look so cute together and that she wants to beat it in his mind that he should date me. Of course I've told her to back off, but we're noticeably close even amongst friends.
What am I thinking? Hard to say. I think I'm being driven by my emotions and read too much into this, and want to date other people. J is just always at my side. I do think it's a good idea to have a talk with him and state that I get mixed signals, but not sure how to bring that up without being awkward.
- Mr23,
I hate mixed signals...Just continue to play it cool, and let the rest do itself...If it's met to happen IT WILL. Sounds like he really likes you a lot....But in what way, I really don't know. Some straight dudes like playing with gay and bi dudes heads like that, so who knows....Just play it cool and if he really wants you, then it'll be known in due time.
Well, latest update is a bit dark..
It had been a few weeks since we had spoke. I had recently been in an antisocial, depressed mood (of which I'm out of, I was just sorting out some personal feelings about life and work) for a month, and J and I sometimes do not speak for a few weeks when we're busy, so I didn't think too much of it. Well, a week and a half ago I got a message from J that said "Still alive, stories to tell, miss ya lots, we'll talk soon". It was very cryptic and had me a bit worried, but he didn't respond to any of my replies for a few days.
On a Sunday night just over a week ago, he messaged me that he was at his parents and wanted to talk to me about something and asked if I'd be online after he had dinner. I told him I'd definitely be around and that I missed him too, and that I'd be free to talk when he was available. When he hit me up on IM he began talking about how two weeks prior he had 'been on a hot date' and it was a fun night. He then explained how he apparently found it so hot that he decided to 'relieve himself' of that at the bathroom at work - his job as as substitute teacher. However, a student caught him and immediately reported him to the principal. He was immediately fired.
How did J respond to this sudden course of events? Well, J went further to explain how he went to buy a shotgun to kill himself. He didn't use it, but instead overdosed on prescription meds and draino, then his roommate called the police and they had a SWAT team outside because he was armed. Out of delirium from the overdose he panicked and fired a shot out the patio (his apartment was on the third floor.) Eventually he turned himself in and got arrested, then immediately taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. Following that he was taken to a psyche ward for evaluation, counseling, and therapy when his parents got involved. He was evicted from his apartment for firing a gun out the patio, and his parents moved him back to their house immediately while he was instituted.
That night we talked for a few hours and I stayed up late to talk with him, ignoring the fact I had work early in the morning because J was my priority. I was shocked and terrified, and yet incredibly relieved that he was still in this world. Since then my perspective on the world and my own mortality has shifted a bit. I have not lost a friend to suicide since my first boyfriend, so I was flooded with emotions over the course of the night. I could barely sleep that night and was emotionally torn up the next day at work, but J has seemed to be perfectly okay since then. Life seems like it's back to normal, but we have been talking -constantly- since then. He's told me that if it weren't for the love from his parents, cousin, and myself, that he probably wouldn't still be here today.
The following morning when we began our daily morning conversations (as I have free time to talk during work a bit over IM), he told me he came back from his dad's radiation therapy: his dad has cancer. I was not aware of this, and it's something they found out in the past month. So in the series of events in just a few mere months, J broke up with his long-term girlfriend, totaled his car, lost his job because of an incredibly stupid decision on his part, and found out his dad has cancer. J has been through a lot of horrible things and yet has masked his feelings almost entirely up to this point, but it seems it all collapsed on him and getting fired for his actions was just a trigger. His second job (and previously primary, anyhow) is still around and he managed to work a few easy shifts since then.
A few nights ago I got to see him again as his cousin is getting re-deployed in the military tomorrow and J wanted the three of us to have some drinks and have a board game night at a bar. It was a really fun night, and before we did that we went to a comic shop and browsed board games and figurines. J had been talking about a really sophisticated board game called Twilight Imperium (3rd Edition) and how he really wanted it. Since I never got around to getting him a birthday present (for his birthday 2 months ago), I ordered it that night and it's arriving in the mail tomorrow. I told him I ordered him a late birthday present over IM that night, and he responded with "Awwwwwwww" with a bunch of text smilies.
I'm still keeping in constant contact with him and making sure he's okay on a daily basis, and giving him positive feedback on everything. While he may not love my exactly as I do him, we have an ever-increasing bond and I don't know what I'd do without him in this world so early. It would definitely shroud my world, and he knows it. He re-assures me that he's doing okay and appreciates my attentive concern. On multiple occasions since the scary news presented to me that night over a week ago, he's told me he loves me too. To my understand he means that as a brother he never had, as a close friend, and as one of the most important people he's met in his life.
I am forever honored to have J in my life, and hope he lives as long as possible in this world.
It had been a few weeks since we had spoke. I had recently been in an antisocial, depressed mood (of which I'm out of, I was just sorting out some personal feelings about life and work) for a month, and J and I sometimes do not speak for a few weeks when we're busy, so I didn't think too much of it. Well, a week and a half ago I got a message from J that said "Still alive, stories to tell, miss ya lots, we'll talk soon". It was very cryptic and had me a bit worried, but he didn't respond to any of my replies for a few days.
On a Sunday night just over a week ago, he messaged me that he was at his parents and wanted to talk to me about something and asked if I'd be online after he had dinner. I told him I'd definitely be around and that I missed him too, and that I'd be free to talk when he was available. When he hit me up on IM he began talking about how two weeks prior he had 'been on a hot date' and it was a fun night. He then explained how he apparently found it so hot that he decided to 'relieve himself' of that at the bathroom at work - his job as as substitute teacher. However, a student caught him and immediately reported him to the principal. He was immediately fired.
How did J respond to this sudden course of events? Well, J went further to explain how he went to buy a shotgun to kill himself. He didn't use it, but instead overdosed on prescription meds and draino, then his roommate called the police and they had a SWAT team outside because he was armed. Out of delirium from the overdose he panicked and fired a shot out the patio (his apartment was on the third floor.) Eventually he turned himself in and got arrested, then immediately taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. Following that he was taken to a psyche ward for evaluation, counseling, and therapy when his parents got involved. He was evicted from his apartment for firing a gun out the patio, and his parents moved him back to their house immediately while he was instituted.
That night we talked for a few hours and I stayed up late to talk with him, ignoring the fact I had work early in the morning because J was my priority. I was shocked and terrified, and yet incredibly relieved that he was still in this world. Since then my perspective on the world and my own mortality has shifted a bit. I have not lost a friend to suicide since my first boyfriend, so I was flooded with emotions over the course of the night. I could barely sleep that night and was emotionally torn up the next day at work, but J has seemed to be perfectly okay since then. Life seems like it's back to normal, but we have been talking -constantly- since then. He's told me that if it weren't for the love from his parents, cousin, and myself, that he probably wouldn't still be here today.
The following morning when we began our daily morning conversations (as I have free time to talk during work a bit over IM), he told me he came back from his dad's radiation therapy: his dad has cancer. I was not aware of this, and it's something they found out in the past month. So in the series of events in just a few mere months, J broke up with his long-term girlfriend, totaled his car, lost his job because of an incredibly stupid decision on his part, and found out his dad has cancer. J has been through a lot of horrible things and yet has masked his feelings almost entirely up to this point, but it seems it all collapsed on him and getting fired for his actions was just a trigger. His second job (and previously primary, anyhow) is still around and he managed to work a few easy shifts since then.
A few nights ago I got to see him again as his cousin is getting re-deployed in the military tomorrow and J wanted the three of us to have some drinks and have a board game night at a bar. It was a really fun night, and before we did that we went to a comic shop and browsed board games and figurines. J had been talking about a really sophisticated board game called Twilight Imperium (3rd Edition) and how he really wanted it. Since I never got around to getting him a birthday present (for his birthday 2 months ago), I ordered it that night and it's arriving in the mail tomorrow. I told him I ordered him a late birthday present over IM that night, and he responded with "Awwwwwwww" with a bunch of text smilies.
I'm still keeping in constant contact with him and making sure he's okay on a daily basis, and giving him positive feedback on everything. While he may not love my exactly as I do him, we have an ever-increasing bond and I don't know what I'd do without him in this world so early. It would definitely shroud my world, and he knows it. He re-assures me that he's doing okay and appreciates my attentive concern. On multiple occasions since the scary news presented to me that night over a week ago, he's told me he loves me too. To my understand he means that as a brother he never had, as a close friend, and as one of the most important people he's met in his life.
I am forever honored to have J in my life, and hope he lives as long as possible in this world.
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